Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Out With The Old Year

Well, this is it, my last post of 2008, and the 999th in Rubinville history.  I'm heading out shortly, but just wanted to wish you all a happy new year and may you all get drunk and laid tonight.  

For those of you who don't drink or have sex may you enjoy whatever else you like to do.  But really, you should try those two...

2008 Reasons

In a mere 8 hour and 22 minutes this giant ball will drop in Times Square and we can all kiss 2008 goodbye.  It has been a great year for me all around, personally, professionally and a few other words that end in "ly."  That being said, I know 2009 is going to bring more of the same and I'm ready to rock it.

Oh, I just noticed that this is actually my 998th post, and not 999th, as expected.  I guess that means I have to end this and write another one shortly.

A bonus post coming.  The gifts just keep on coming around here...

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I'm Baaaaack

I have returned from my week in Dallas.  It was a great time being with Carlos' family and I ate Chick-fil-A three times.  Good stuff.

(Also, I was able to get out before the Cowboys lost, thus probably saving my life.)

Actually, I had never been to a Chick-fil-A before, but now I'm hearing a rumor that there is one somewhere near NYU downtown.  Sounds like an afternoon adventure for me.  Can anyone confirm this rumor? 

So, I go on vacation for a week and all hell breaks loose in the Middle East.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Barack is getting some heat for not speaking up more about what is going on over there but it seems to me that he is doing the right thing as we only have one president at a time.  Sure, it's hard to believe that president is still George, but according to my research, it is true.

Amazingly, the 998th post here on Rubinville.  I'm gonna post one more time before the new year, thus my post on January first will be the 1000th.  That has a nice ring to it, right?  Also, I have some new ideas and plans for the site, I'll tell ya more about them in the 1000th.

Alright, that's it for now, I know this wasn't a hilarious post, but just you wait til 999...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Vodka And Red Bull Equals...

...Me on line at a club in Dallas waiting for more girls to arrive so we can get in.

Good lord...

Friday, December 26, 2008

Texas Xmas

I probably should've mentioned that I was going to Texas for Christmas week. Carlos is from Dallas, and that is where I am iPhone blogging from. I'll be back in a couple days but I will check in again if this iPhone application works.

Blogging on an iPhone in Texas. What a world...

Friday, December 19, 2008

Chicago (Not The Musical)

Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich said today that he is innocent and will not resign from office.  "I will fight, I will fight, I will fight until I take my last breath," he said at a news conference today.  Then, in a bizarre twist, he tried to take his last breath but his tongue got stuck between his lips.

It's been a snowy day here in NYC as well as much of the country according to the good people who monitor such events.  Believe it or not, when it snows I wear the same Timberland boots that I got all the way back in the 9th grade.  Actually, that reminds me I need to copy my homework from a nerd before 7th period math class.  

(That was not an anti-nerd statement.  I was once a nerd and know full-well that they are people, too.  And as such, often very useful to us now cool people.)

Alright, that's it for me.  I've got a little more Chrismukah shopping to do this weekend and find some time to make a couple people laugh.  If only I could combine those two into one spectacular event.  Hmm...

What's the deal with Circuit City, people?  Isn't that just the worst store ever?  Am I right?  Am I?  Is this thing on??

Have a good weekend, everyone...

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Never Enough Of A Good Thing

I just got an e-mail from Jeff, a fan in Boston, reminding me that I never re-posted the 1986 NBC promo video that Eliot Glazer and I talked about during his interview on Hot Gay Comics. Here it is in all it's glory...

God, I wish I had a time machine...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

This Is CNN (With Old Graphics)

As some of you may have noticed, CNN changed their graphics earlier this week.  Unlike most graphics changes, be they television, video game or your dentists computer system, CNN decided to actually go backwards with their graphics.  They now look like something from the 1980's and even have a white "crawl" on the bottom.  Not only does the white look really bad, but it also is the worst color to constantly be on TV for those with plasma TV's.  

This all leads me to surmise one thing...

James Earl Jones is in cahoots with the LCD TV people and he wants the plasma people to all suffer from "screen-burn" so we will have to go out and get new TV's.

Damn you, James Early Jones!  I'm onto you!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Circuit City Sucks

Alright, we're back in business, people.  And speaking of business, today's post will be about a company that should be, and is, going out of business.

So, we were doing some holiday shopping yesterday and ended up at Circuit City.  That in and of itself was my first mistake.  I can't tell you the item I wanted to purchase (the receiver of the gift probably will read this), but it was something electronic, over a hundred bucks.  As I was about to pay for it the salesgirl tells me they have a special going and i can get a free gift with it.  I wasn't expecting a free gift, so it was just a bonus, but then she tells me they are all out of the free gift.  I asked her if I could just take something very similar to the free gift, an item that was actually cheaper than the free one, but she said no.  Sooooo, off to talk to the manager I went.

The manager was hiding in the Geek Squad area and refused to come around the desk to talk to me. He said he couldn't offer me anything else and I said that I would just go to the Circuit City ten blocks away but I'd rather just buy it here.  He clearly didn't want to make the sale, so I left.

I get to the other Circuit City and they tell me that they don't even have this free gift sale in their system.  The salesguy calls the original Circuit City and they claim they don't even know about the sale in the first place.   He then tells me there is nothing he can do and walks away.

Long story short, I purchased the item at Best Buy (actually for a few dollars more than the CC price) just out of spite.

Spite, what the holidays are all about.  Right?

(More later, I'm feeling it today...)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Where's the Inspiration?


As you've noticed, Rubinville has been lacking a certain something lately, namely posts. I've sat around a couple times trying to post as usual, but then nothing comes out. Or sometimes something comes out and I just delete it. Or sometimes I just write the whole thing in Mandarin, only to remember that most of you don't speak the language. Anyway, all this adds up to the lack of consistency that you've come accustomed to around here.

Blogging is a strange thing. Sometimes I need it just to get some creative juices out. Lately though, I've been in a really nice groove with stand-up and my podcasts, so blogging hasn't seem as necessary. That isn't it totally though, cuz there are plenty of times stand-up, podcasts and everything else is in the flow and I still am posting around here. So, I'm not exactly sure what it is.

It might have something to do with being only 10 posts away from 1000 and it has caused me to look back a little on how far we've come here and how much further there is to go. And when I say "we" I do mean you too, all the people who read my little musings and especially the ones who comment on them.

Soooo, I promise, promise, promise and super-promise, to get back to regalar, full-time funny postings starting this Monday, December 15th.

And if I don't, I recommend you call 1(800)LAWYER...

(But seriously, I will.)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Windy (And Corrupt) City

By now you've all obviously heard about the crazy going-ons in Chicago.  While most of the articles I am reading are about his sheer disregard for the law, I would rather focus on two other things, his name and his hair.

Tell me his name, Rod Blagojevich, doesn't sound like the leader of any rebel faction in a country that ends in "...stan."  

And his hair totally matches that look.  People are surprised that he did something un-American?  C'mon.  I think he was the bad guy in "Under Seige 2."

Alright people, my half-assed, random posting is over.  The full comeback is on starting tomorrow...

Monday, December 08, 2008

Another Series Down

If you haven't been watching already, it's probably a little late to tell you to catch the series finale of Boston Legal tonight.  I've only been watching it for the last three seasons (out of five), but I have to say it has been funny, irreverent and probably the most underrated show on TV.  The cast, with actors like William Shatner, James Spader and Candice Bergen were all perfect in their roles and they even made time for fit in guest starts Tom Selleck, Parker Posey, and most importantly Betty White.  

I will miss the offices of Crane, Pool and Schmidt, though I will keep them in mind if I am ever arrested after a bad comedy show in Boston.  

So, yes, I cannot deny that it has been slow around Rubinville lately.  Bailouts, terrorism and a recession clearly have led to a lock of posting.  I have been searching the city for some inspiration though, and I can sense it bubbling.

I must have some kind of lotion for that...

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Better Than Nothing

I've been a lil crazed this week. But check out this great video from Funny or Die. Great stuff. I promise I'll try to post later...

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

The City of Brotherly Love

There's a nice interview with me in the most recent "Philadelphia Gay News."  Just like the last article I posted here, if you click the picture above it will get bigger.  I don't know how that happens, but it is a nifty little trick of the internet.  Thank you once again, Al Gore.

More tomorrow.

I know, I know, this really isn't a post.  But I think a pleasant interview is just as good.  Don't you?

Monday, December 01, 2008

Gone Fishin'


Hi everyone.  Hope you all had a good holiday weekend.  I know I said I'd be back starting today but it has been quite a hectic day so I am gonna postpone my grand return until tomorrow.  

In the interest of full disclosure, I have not actually gone fishin', but I am considering having fish for dinner tonight...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving Break

Since it's a short week and I haven't posted, I think we're gonna close shop here in Rubinville until after the holiday.

I'm thankful for so many things this year particularly because so many things in my life have fallen into place.  One of those things is the support I get from all the people who come see me perform, send me e-mails or Facebook/MySpace messages and comment right here.  So thank you all and have a happy Thanksgiving.

Gobble, gobble...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Right Off The Press


There's an interview with me in today's Metro Newspaper.  It's so cold out there though, don't bother go picking up a copy, just click here the picture above and it will magically get bigger...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Piracy! (Not The Good Kind)

A bunch of pirates have hijacked a Saudi Arabian ship, causing this man, Saudi Prince Saud al-Faisal to say, "Piracy, like terrorism, is a disease which is against everybody, and everybody must address it together."

Strange, coming from a guy who's country 15 of the 19 September 11th terrorists came from.

(Also strange is that this was the best picture I could find of the guy.  Someone from Central Casting really needs to get him booked as a bad guy in the next Bond.)

Alright, I'm heading out to the high-seas to see what's-what about all this pirate business.  Full post tomorrow...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Great Scott!

It was just reported that Christopher Llyod has lost his 11 million dollar home in the California wildfires.  There is good news for Marty McFly, however, because my sources say that Llyod was able to get the plans for the Flux Capacitor out of the house in time.

Of course now there is the whole issue about finding 1.21 jiggawatts of electricity, but I guess one thing at a time.  

Anyone got anything good cooking on a Monday night?

Friday, November 14, 2008

TV Time


Hot Gay Comics debuts tonight on here! I host the debut episode and it features three of my favorite comics and best friends, Mike Singer, Anne Neczypor and Shawn Hollenbach. If you don't catch it tonight at 8 pm, don't worry, it will be repeating plenty and of course you can get it On Demand anytime. Come to think of it, you could watch me over and over and over, for all 48 hours of the weekend. If you can think of anything better to do, I'd sure like to hear it.

T-Minus 4 hours and counting...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Rubinville Sneak Peak

As promised, here is a sneak peak clip of the premiere episode of Hot Gay Comics, debuting this Friday. Now excuse me, I'm off to play with the Mormons...


There's an intersting article from the AP about how The Cosby Show helped pave the way for Barack Obama to become president. Thank god the show wasn't about an ignorant, ex-beauty queen from Alaska.

I guess I'm a bit ahead of the times when it comes to Cosby's influence. I was about five years old when I saw his HBO special Himself and that was when I first started trying to make people laugh. So, by using some nifty logic, you could say that I, too, paved the way for Obama.

Speaking of paving the way, I've had a couple people take me up on the offer of going down to the Prop 8 rally at the Church of Latter Day Saints later tonight. Emma is frothing at the mouth after a day of staring at Mitt Romney's meat-laden genitals, so I'm expecting a pretty fantastic protest.

"Mitt Romney's meat-laden gentials." There's a visual for ya...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Hang Time

(Photo courtesy of Carlos Masip)

Not bad for a white guy, right?

That's me playing ball yesterday, finally getting to run-off some of my post-election madness. I scored 28, but we lost in overtime. It was fixed! Fixed, I say!

The country continues to be feel the Obama-Glow. There is a real sense that some sort of collective headache is gone and that maybe we can get back to being the country we all used to believe in. The real question is now are we counting the days until Obama officially takes over or are we just counting the days until George goes out to pasture?

I know that it is just semantics yet I'm still counting the George days more.

Circuit City has filed for bankruptcy today. I assume that means that the government will take it over and start selling Blu-ray players at a 5 percent discount.

There is a big protest on Wednesday outside the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints because of all the money they gave to support Prop 8 in California. It's only about 15 blocks from my apartment so I will be going for sure if any of you want to join. I am also training Emma to bite mormons, though I don't know if putting meat on a giant cardboard cutout of Mitt Romney's genitals will work.

And on that note, I have to head out and get some meat. Strangely, I already have a giant cardboard cutout of Mitt Romney, please don't ask why...

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Election Review


The post-election Topical has just been posted...

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Rubinville Projects Obama Win


None of the networks have done it yet, but I am officially projecting Barack Obama as the next president of the United States.

All my thoughts on this will be discussed on tomorrow's Topical. Now excuse me while I finish this bottle of wine and await the coronation...

Help Me Obi-Wan, You're My Only Hope


Well, it's only 7:15 and CNN has offered us the first utterly ridiculous moment of the night. Wolf Blitzer is standing in the Situation Room talking to a hologram of reporter Jessica Yellin. That's right, a HOLOGRAM.

Wolf ended their conversation by saying, "You're a terrific hologram."

Let's just hope she manages to get Death Star plans to the rebel leaders in time...

Palin Party Pooper


So here it is, a picture of the knob I turned right after I opened a curtain and just before I pulled a lever.

Now I know what a day at the job for Joe the Plumber is like.

(Did that joke fully make sense?)

More pictures and updates throughout the day...

One Small Step


I have done my duty as an American and voted for a socialist. Here, you can see me just moments before voting. Though I was highly caffeinated I was able to pull the lever without incident.

Pictures from inside the booth on the way...

Vote! (Unless You Disagree With Me)


So, it all comes down to this. After almost two years of debates, commercials, lies, truths, half-truth, quarter-truths, sexism, racism, pandering, drivel and hubris, we are finally here. I am meeting comedian and friend Anne Neczypor to go vote in just a few minutes. I highly recommend that you go vote with a comedian too, e-mail me if you need one to meet you at your local polling station.

I'll post a couple times tonight as the results roll in. I have already purchased a couple bottles of wine for me and extra treats for Emma.

Alright, time to shower and put on my voting outfit. I plan on taking a picture when I am in the voting booth, so check back here at about shortly...

Monday, November 03, 2008

One Middle Finger, One More Day

With only one day left before the election, Barack Obama made his feelings about John McCain pretty clear with his use of the middle finger in this clip below...

While it seems like it might've been unintentional or even subconscious, he also did this to Hillary a few months ago. You know the old saying, where there is a finger, there is fire.

So, one more day and then we can start preparing for 2012. We are doing Topical early on Wednesday morning, so you'll be able to listen earlier in the day to either our feelings on the recount or the riots, depending on how it all shakes out.

Okay, I'm gonna take Emma to go vote. Dog's are allowed to vote early here in NYC, and even though she is voting for Nader, I promised I'd take her...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Philosophical Dave


As you may know, Hot Gay Comics premieres on television on November 14th. As loyal Rubinville visitors, I wanted to offer you some behind-the-scenes pictures before the debut. Here you can see me being interviewed just before the show, clearly pontificating about the profound difference between a dick joke and a fart joke...

Just Set It And Forget It

I was out doing stand-up last night, so didn't get a chance to see the Barack Obama prime-time infomercial that ran on seven different networks.  You know that a campaign is going well when a candidate can start selling rotisserie chicken roasters.  My sources are also telling me that Obama plans on selling spray-on hair sometime in early 2009.

Heading for a run, will return...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Six Feet Under (No, Not McCain's Campaign...Yet)

Was flicking the channels last night after 10 dollar fajita night and came across the last episode of Six Feet Under. Those of you who have been reading Rubinville for years know that I consider this the best television series ever, and the last ten minutes of the finale the prime example of it's brilliance. I cried like a baby when I watched it the first time, and did so again last night. Here are those last few minutes...

When is the last time you cried to a TV show or movie?*

*Crying during the presidential debates doesn't count...

Monday, October 27, 2008


John McCain, pictured here choking and imaginary heathen, yesterday guaranteed a tight election victory next week. A McCain aide later attributed the comment to the fact that John hadn't slept much the night before and "was a little loopy."

10 dollar fajita night at my favorite mexican restaurant on the Upper West Side. Anyone wanna come with?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The View From The Right (Or Wrong)

While I usually take the weekend off from the ladies of The View, I was at the gym today and turned on the TV to find Elisabeth Hasselbeck doing a little crowd warm-up for Sarah Palin. I so can't wait for the blowout on Hot Topics tomorrow morning...

My weekend was pretty normal uneventful except for my friend Dan's bachelor party on Saturday night. It ended at a strip club, where, much to my dismay, there were no three-breasted strippers.

Disappointing, indeed...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Palin' Around With Palin

Sarah Palin continues to insult American intelligence, most recently in an interview on CNN yesterday. She left me no choice but to speak to her directly...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Yo Joe!

Joe Biden, a man fully qualified to be vice-president, president or hair plug expert, was on Ellen today. C'mon Palin, beat this...

Red, White And Black And Blue


America is clearly beat up these days, and consequently CNN is doing polls about it. The main story at right now reads, "Poll finds Americans angry, worried." While I agree with that, it seems to be that they are leaving out one other emotion we are all having lately...horny. I've been asking around and people are telling me they are having excessive pre-election horniness. Does that go for you to? What are you doing about it? Lemme know.

HA. No joke, I just wrote that and then went over to where the headline reads, "Planning for greater depression." The caption beneath it reads, "Special report: From hoarding food and bullets to learning how to sew, some Americans are preparing for even worse economic times."

I'm totally afraid to see what's going on at

More this afternoon, unless this depression/anger/horny thing hits...

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Dream of Johnnie

*Note: Pictures won't load this morning, please insert a lovely mental image of John McCain dressed as a genie here.

I had a dream last night that I was some sort of business man and I was in an jam packed elevator with John McCain. He was smushed in the back of the elevator and I thought it was weird that nobody was talking to him. I turned and said "Hello", to which he said, "I'm trying" and then we all got out of the elevator. He then walked right out of the building and across the street, all alone.

So, am I secretly a Republican? What does this dream mean?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Anyone Know A Good Plumber?


The debate basically went as expected. Obama was slick, cool, intelligent and eloquent. McCain was fidgety, nervous, off-message and annoyed. The attacks didn't really stick, and I think you can put a fork in this election, cuz it's done.

That brings me to Joe the Plumber. I just saw a live interview with him outside his home this morning on MSNBC. He matter of factly explained why he is for the war in Iraq, against Obama's tax plan and open to running for office. I actually found him more forceful and passionate than McCain and I think if the Republicans want a chance in hell to win this thing they should replace McCain with Joe the Plumber.

Hey, who can clean up the shit in Washington better than a plumber?

(You saw that coming, right?)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Plumber Joe

John McCain has been focusing on a man named plumber Joe throughout much of this third debate.  While that's all well and good, let's hope that it isn't at the expense of my personal favorite plumber, Mario.

The Third Time Is The Charm, Right?


Besides being lovers, these two men will debate tonight for the third time. The first two debate were little more than preplanned, pandering drivel, but there is always a chance that this one will be different. Of course, there is also a chance that scud missiles will be launched out of President George's ass, but I don't see that happening, either.

Getting away from George's ass for a moment, I have had a pretty badly sprained ankle for the past few days. It happened while playing basketball on Sunday and after a few days of icing the ankle, it is feeling much better today. I went with vanilla icing even though most people said chocolate would help it heal quicker.

There really isn't much other interesting news to talk about today. Everyone is going on and on about how bad the economy is, highlighted by a report today that retail sales slumped hugely in September. Frankly, as long as Spencers Gifts is doing fine, then I think the economy is strong.

Does Spencers Gifts even exist anymore? After living in NYC for years I haven't been to a mall for awhile.

Gotta go out and get a case of wine for the debate tonight. Hmm, Cabernet or Chianti?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Crazy Bitch!

Rubinville visitor Steve, from California, sent me this clip of Betty White discussing politics with Craig Ferguson. No, Betty ain't the crazy bitch, watch out find out who is...

More coming in a little bit. I need some coffee to get the funny going...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Saturday Night Republican


I'm pretty sure that if I've written anything about SNL over the 5-plus years of Rubinville, it has not been positive. What once was a great show, and hugely influential on me in the late 80's and early 90's, has been pretty crappy, to say the least, over the past few years.


The show has had a major comeback in this election season. It is peaking right about now with all this Tina Fey/Sarah Palin stuff. The show has been funny and edgy again, and the impressions have been spot on.

I just read that Sarah Palin herself is going to be on the show in the coming weeks. It seems to me that she should be studying foreign policy and financial markets instead of doing a comedy show that is already doing it right. But, these days, doing a cameo on SNL is somehow more important than knowing anything about the office you are running for.

Where is John Belushi, Chris Farley and Phil Hartman when you need them?

Oh. Right.

Anyway, the point of all this is that if Palin ends up doing stand up on Letterman before me, it's going to be a real problem.

Ok, time to go for a run. I'll be back this afternoon...

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

What's The Deal With Bumping Into Comedians?

I just bumped into Jerry Seinfeld near my apartment and walked and chatted with him for about three blocks. While I can't divulge the private conversations of two comedians, I did get him to laugh a couple times and vice versa. (Which I'm sure meant a lot to him!)

That's all, I'm too psyched after chatting with a hero of mine to write about politics. Now, I'm going to put on my puffy shirt and go get a marble rye...

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Border Shmorder

It's now 10:20 and they have spent the last 10 minutes discussing the Pakistan/Afghanistan border. Frankly, I would've enjoyed more time on the economy and health care because it seems obvious that this guy has the whole border thing under control...

44 Minutes And Counting (And Praying)

We're 44 minutes into the debate, and Tom Brokaw is begging the candidates to keep their remarks brief. While he will surely fail at that, I'm pretty sure he got laid after taking this picture...

950 And Counting


No, 950 isn't the amount of lies that we're going to hear at the debate tonight. It is actually the amount of posts I've done here on Rubinville. (The amount of lies tonight will be in the thousands.) It has been quite a ride so far, and much like the economy, it has had its up and downs.*

*Unlike the economy, however, Rubinville's best days are ahead of it.

I will post during the debate tonight. 951 here we come...

Monday, October 06, 2008


After a week of heavy-duty politics, I decided to see Bill Maher's new religion-busting movie, Religulous, over the weekend. It was funny, biting and truthful. Kinda like the exact reverse of Sarah Palin. Check out this preview and then get up and check out the movie.

Full post tomorrow. My 950th post, actually. That sure is a lot of bandwith, I think...

Friday, October 03, 2008

Post Traumatic Debate Disorder

It is not debatable that I am exhausted from this debate induced week. However, being the profesional that I am, I will give you my thoughts on the debate in Haiku form...

There was a debate
Palin is Republican
Bad for this country

Have a good weekend...

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Pre-Debate Debate


Ok, last entry before the debate. Check out today's Topical to find out all the insider information you need to know. I assure you it is more fair and balanced than Fox News, and less annoying than Chris Mathews and Keith Olbermann.

Go now...

But How Do You Really Feel, Jack?

CNN's Jack Cafferty, one of the last truly independent voices on television today, pretty much sums it all up about Sarah Palin.

What in high, holy hell was she talking about there? Good work, Jack. Now get Wolf to shave and then you can retire.

Debate commentary tonight, as the fiasco unfurls...

How'd She Even Have Time To Make Those Five Kids?

We could go from a President who admits that he doesn't read the newspapers to a VP who reads them ALL...

I ain't done today. We work overtime in Rubinville on debate days...


I'm gonna post a couple things today, and will start with this ridiculous "joke" by Sarah Palin, and then her sarcastic/lie response when questioned about it by Katie Couric.

Why didn't Katie just look at her and say, "Liar, Liar, pants on fire..."

I'm Baaaack

Sorry bout vanishing for a couple days but I was at my parents house back in Long Island for Rosh Hashashanahahahahah. I am sitting down right now with a cup of coffee, a couple DVR'd episodes of The View, and my notepad. Full post shortly.

So is true true? Do absence make the heart grow fonder?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

My Personal Bailout

Despite saying I would post something this weekend, I just didn't do it. I would've, but I had to go to DC to help get this bailout passed. If my version of the bill passes all my fans will be getting Nintendo Wii's. I'll keep you posted.

Oh, and Nancy Pelosi looks even more Botoxed in person...

Friday, September 26, 2008

A Hole Lotta BS

So, George, John, Barack, and a few other people who claim to be fighting for us have been sitting behind closed doors in DC trying to solve this financial crisis thingy. George said he had a plan (but nobody listened), John said he was suspending his campaign and postponing the debate (which he backtracked on), and Barack said he needed time to think (which he loves to do).

Since then, various other polticians like Harry "I'm half napping" Reid, Chris "Look at my white hair" Dodd, and Barney "My speech impediment has nothing to do with my sexuality" Frank, have all been posturing for the TV cameras. No deal has been made, my personal bank Washington Mutual collapsed today, and for a bunch of people who all talk about bi-partisanship, they all seem pretty partisan.

This has all led me to believe that Washington is nothing more than a giant black hole. You see, scientists have long hypothesized that there are black holes in outer space. Basically, they are places where matter sort of collapses on itself and matter simply dissapears. Some scientists believe that the matter reappears in another time and space, but of course this can't be proved. However, if that is true, let's just hope these people all end up in Newark, New Jersey, at about 3 in the morning. Somehow, I think they'll become bi-partisan pretty quickly out there.

Alright, that's all. I'll be doing stand-up tonight during the debate, but I will DVR it and comment over the weekend. That's right, these motherfuckers have me blogging on the weekend.

Fuck you, you black hole fuckers...

(Rare cursing today, I know, but I'm just saying what everyone at CNN is thinking.)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

See ya, Summer!

The summer is officially over, which seems particularly sucky when you look back on days like this one. This picture is from a few weeks back at the Boat Basin alongside the Hudson River right here in NYC. As you can clearly see, I was in deep thought as I knocked back that Corona.

What was I thinking, you ask?

I have no idea. It was the summer. I was drinking. The sun was setting. And thinking at such times is highly overrated.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I was just walking down the street when I realized what the contents of my bag were.

1. Sex and the City DVD (For Carlos)
2. Hair product (From Dramatics NYC)
Diet Coke (No sense in extra calories)

Yes, folks, you're right, it's undeniable. I'm a woman.

(Let the gay jokes begin...)

A Golden Oldie

I was flicking the channels last night and happened to turn on Dancing with the Stars just as 82 year old Cloris Leachman was about to take to the dance floor. If I'm doing anything like this 50 years from now, it'll be pretty amazing...

The UN General Assembly is going on for the next few days right here in NYC. I'm listening to George talk right now and I have to say he is reading his speech quite well. That's George for ya, finishing up his reign of terror on a high-note.

This afternoon Hitler-wannabe, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, will speak at the very same podium that George is standing at right now. After he gets done blaming Israel for the world's problems I am told he will have a hot pastrami sandwich over at Ben's Kosher Deli in Rockefeller Center.

(You just can't get a good pastrami sandwich in Iran. You know, that whole no Jew thing.)

Alright, I'm heading out for a bagel. Hey, maybe I'll bump into Ahmadinejad having brunch before the big speech. Will keep you posted...

Friday, September 19, 2008

Quite A Week

It was some crazy week here in the good ole' US of A. I'd write about it, but instead I think you should hear my thoughts about it on this weeks Topical. Click the link below for the most recent episode or go to iTunes and subscribe.

That is all. Have a financially sound weekend.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Cindy McCain is complaining that the ladies of The View were "picking their bones clean" when she and John McCain visited the show last Friday. While some of the interview might've been a little harsh (oh, poor presidential candidate getting asked tough questions), there were several moments that were really fantastic. One of those moments was this, when Joy Behar looked John in the eye and said this...

Pretty great, right? When do politicians ever get called out on their bullshit? Not only that, but she actually asked the question in a deferential way, and even her voice changed, as if to say, "I liked you, what happened?" Cindy McCain can go suck an egg if she thinks that was too hard of an interview.

I've don't think I've ever used "suck an egg" before. It just felt right there.

Speaking of sucking eggs, I think I'm gonna make some. Be back later...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Go Tuck Yourself!

I thought that Tucker Carlson, the bow-tie wearing dingbat on MSNBC, was the most annoying Tucker on television until I came across Tucker Bounds, an aide on the McCain campaign. How this guy got a job is beyond me. See the video below, and if you're as amazed as I am, there's plenty more on YouTube.

So, I played some Force Unleashed last night and so far so good. You open the game as Darth Vader, (I think the first time you play as him in a video game) and I used my Wii-saber to slash some Wookiees and cause general mayhem. Using the controller as a lightsaber is pretty awesome, although you can only use it as a righty and I am a natural lefty. Makes you wonder if there were any real Jedi's who were leftys. I'll have to Wookipeedia that.

(Yes, there is a Wookieepedia. Pretty great, I know.)

The line at midnight to pickup the game was a rather depressing collection of people who clearly hadn't been laid in a long time. They actually only let us in the store two a time, which led me to say to the guy guarding the door, "Jeez, this is like a hot club!" He looked at me confused, as if he had never been to a club. And to think, I almost was the king of these people.

Alright, I have a couple things to do including killing more Wookiees and submitting my resume to the McCain campaign...

One Tired Jedi


I took this picture a few minutes past midnight after picking up my copy of The Force Unleashed.* Several funny things happened while on line, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out because I have to play this thing at least once before I pass out.

*The strange lighting in the picture is because I stood under a sign for Sister of the Traveling Pants 2 when snapping the shot...

Monday, September 15, 2008

May The Dork Be With You

Few people know this, but Darth Vader actually had a secret apprentice, so secret, in fact, that the Emperor himself didn't know about him. Not only that, but even Star Wars fans such as myself didn't even know until the last few months when the story for the new Force Unleashed video game was leaked on the internet.

I just returned from pre-purchasing the game over at Game Stop, where I can go tonight at midnight and pick up my copy for my brand new Wiiiiiiiiiii. Believe it or not, I have never lined up for a video game midnight release and to be quite frank, at my advanced age of 32, I'm a little nervous about the whole situation. That is precisely why I'm going to bring my old Nintendo Duck Hunt gun to stave off the nerds in case things get out of hand.

I will take a picture once the game is in my hand. May the force be with us all...

Oh, Brothers!

Lehman Brothers is going under and people are freaking about it all over the country. While I don't know much about the financial markets, I do know a little something about lighting, and it seems to me that a company that uses this much electricity just to light the outside of the office was due to go bankrupt.

George spoke about the situation from the White House lawn, but had to be corrected by an aide when he confused Lehman Brothers with the Ringling Brothers. The ironic part was that he was actually making sense when he said something about the clowns running that place.

More later, got an important meeting in Central Park...

Friday, September 12, 2008


In case you didn't see Sarah Palin with Charlie Gibson last night, here is one of the many mind-blowing clips. In this one, she answers a totally different question than the one he asks, proving only that she is, in fact, a politician...

(Dunno why I can't center the clip, but after five tries, I can do no more.)

Love, Exciting and New


Tell me John McCain isn't trying to crush Obama's hand in that picture. Strange, considering it appears he is also about to hand him some lovely flowers.

More in a bit, promise...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Live with Regis and Dave!


I took this picture of Regis Philbin and I standing on the very same embankment just an hour ago.

Yea, stardom has its perks.

Doggie Crime


Emma, pictured here with face blurred, busted into the garbage in the kitchen last night. It's only the second time she has done that in the over two years since I've had her. The first time the culprit was the bones of about 20 chicken wings. If you've never spent any real length of time with a dog farting buffalo sauce is, you don't really know hard time. This time, however, the culprit was a bag of dog food, some tissues, and a couple banana peels. I sense that this will be a much less painful day after for both of us.

The "big bang" machine that I mentioned on Monday had it's first successful test yesterday. Another day without the universe being sucked up by a black hole. Pretty, pretty good.

Hurricane Ike is battering the Gulf of Mexico and expected to hit southern Texas shortly. While Ike is considered so dangerous that the federal government has sent Tina Turner down to Texas to deal with it.

(You did get the Ike/Tina reference there, right? Ok, good.)

Alright, gotta jump in the shower. Cleanliness is next to godliness, you know...

Monday, September 08, 2008

Can This End Well?


Though this picture is small, and looks like it is from a new Marvel movie, it is in fact a particle accelerator that is buried deep in a bunker beneath the border of France and Switzerland. Scientists are using it to recreate the big bang theory, though my guess is that the experiment will go horrifically awry and that one of them will end up having robotic arms fused to his spine. That, or the whole thing will blow up and the Earth will be consumed by a giant black hole. We shall see which.

The weekend was a good one. We had a storm here which trapped everyone inside their respective apartments on Saturday. By mid-day I couldn't take the isolation anymore so went out to go get myself a Nintendo Wiiiiiiiiiiiiii. After playing only for an hour I had smashed holes in virtually every wall in my apartment. Nintendo pays you back for the spackle right?

In other news, Bonnie Hunt (not really sure who she is), has a new talk show. I'm watching as I write this and have to say it is quite awful.* Robin Williams is jumping around and speaking in various accents. After all these years of doing the same thing he really seems to be just crying for help.

*I will glady do the show, call me, Bonnie.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Honey, I Found an Actor!

UPDATE: My sources are now confirming that Rick Moranis will be unshrunk in order to reprise his role as Louis "The Keymaster" Tully in Ghostbusters 3...

More updates as they come in...