Friday, January 30, 2004

Fox is putting on a new reality show about a midget who must choose from twelve female midgets to make his bride.

I am now leaving my apartment to go to a pawn shop to buy a gun.

I will come back with the head of a Fox Network Executive, much like when Perseus came back with the head of Medusa in the movie "Clash of the Titans."


Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Just got back from my first vacation in over 2 years. I went to Florida for a week and relaxed on the beach and by the pool. It was my goal not to write anything down, not to think a funny thought, and not to say anything that could even be considered slightly humorous. (Many comics would say I've been operating under these conditions for years, but that's not important right now). Anyways, I feel refreshed, reinvigorated, rejuvinated and slightly refurbished.

For those of you who have been e-mailing me about getting new vide on the site, I'm working on it. Unfortunately, I'm much more of a perfectionist than I was when I posted those older videos, so lately I've just been trying to get the perfect 20 minute video to get up on here. Hopefully, it will come sooner than later.

And now 2 political jokes...

John Kerry has now won both Iowa and New Hampshire. I guess his people are getting out the message that he is not actually Frankenstein.

Wesley Clark came in 3rd today in New Hampshire. Many people think he would've done better if he had been more consistent about his feelings on the war in Iraq. Today, he finally said that there was an 80 percent chance that he supported a war, but there was only a 10 percent chance of that.

Let's see, what else? Hmm, I haven't written for awhile so I'm struggling to come up with anything good here. Hangon, lemme smoke a joint...

Actually, I don't really smoke pot anymore, mostly because there was a period of time that I thought that Wolf Blitzser was sending me messages through CNN. I actually thought his beard was some sort of alien entity that wanted me to kill people and vote, of course.

Hence not really smoking pot anymore. Though rumor has it I could make a comeback anyday.

My roomate Mike is now working again after about 8 months off. He was concerned that he forgot all his skills related to being in an office, but luckily we remain in contact via Instant Messenger during the day so that I can instruct him what to do. For example, today I told him to always keep his pants buttoned. One can only wonder what I will offer up tommorrow.

One more joke...

Apparently, many voters want a candidate who has a chance of beating Bush. That reminds me of a porn I saw a while back. "Beating Bush", a fine movie indeed.

Over and out.

Friday, January 16, 2004

I'm watching this Michael Jackson insanity unfold on CNN now. I hope that he goes to jail and that all his defense lawyers, who care nothing about the truth and only about money, all burn in hell. And now some monologue jokes...

Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to molesting a 12 year old boy today. He claimed that touching a young cancer patient's gentials is the only sure fire cure for the disease.

Michael Jackson just announced he was having a party for his fans and supporters at Neverland Ranch. Security was tight. Bouncers working door enfoced a strict 14 and below age requirement. (Tarun Shetty wrote that one.)

Michael Jackson just announced he is having a party for his fans and supporters at neverland ranch after his arraignment today. I've heard of an after party but this is ridiclulous.

Debbie Rowe, the mother of Michael Jackson's two children is allegedly concerned that their children are being brought up as members of the Nation of Islam, an anti-semetic group. Rowe, who is Jewish is upset because she strongly feels that child molesting is better left in the hands of the Catholic Church.

Michael Jackson had to stop the court proceeedings today so that he could go urinate. While he likes his sex victims in diapers, he apparently does not wear them.

Michael Jackson has consistently waved the peace sign over the past few weeks. It turns out that he is not actually waving the peace sign but signalling that he would like two fresh boys to join him back at Neverland.

While it was originally thought that Michael uses an umbrella because he is allergic to the sun, it was just reported that in fact he uses it in fact because he is a horrible disfigured child molesting freak.

After his court hearing today Michael got on the top of his limosine and did an impromtu dance for the fans in a unabashed act of exhibitionism. This is in stark contrast to the seclusion of the secret underground sex dungeon where Michael drugs and molests young cancer patients.

Michael's brother Jermaine Jackson was present at the court hearing today. It was the first time in almost 30 years that anyone knew cared where Jermaine was.

There's more where that came from. Stay tuned.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

As a comic it is my job to be funny. And, while it is great to work my craft and better myself at what I do night after night, it is also a goal of most comics to get on TV where you can gain more exposure and do better things than performing in a small comedy club can afford. In some ways this is ironic, because the art of stand up itself is best done for an intimate group of people, and I think often loses a lot once it gets to television, where, if you heckle the comic, you are just some loser yelling at the TV.

Anyways, I mention this because as I do stand up everynight I'm always working on all these side projects to get on TV, which for me, is only so I can then get some exposure to do stand up at better places and in better venues. So, with that in mind, I've come up with a couple ideas I want to now pitch around to networks. I contacted a friend of mine who works at MTV and she sent me this long 6 page release form that MTV makes you sign before they will look at anything you submit. It's full of all this nonsensicle legal mumbo-jumbo, but I have to show you this one part...

"Much of the material that is now being submitted embodies materials, suggestions or ideas substantially similar or identical to those which have been developed by our staff or which have been submitted by others. Further, we may begin using material similar or identical to yours which we received after the date of your submission."

Similiar or Identical? IDENTICAL? Identical means exactly the same. Like identicla twins. Or Identical scripts that MTV steals.

To put in in other terms, they are basically saying, "We can, and will steal your material and ideas...have a nice day."

And on that note, have a nice day.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

The Knicks are about to fire head coach Don Chaney and replace him with "The Czar of the Telestrator", Mike Fratello. I think it's time that Chaney went, he always has this look on his face like he has to take a dump really bad. Now, he'll finally have the time.

Mike Fratello will prob do a good job, thought I wonder if a bunch of tall black guys can really take basketball pointers from a short white guy.

I got locked out of my apartment yesterday and didn't have my wallet nor cell phone with me. What I realized from the whole thing is how we have become so dependant on cell phones that I literally couldn't remember one friend's phone number off the top of my head. Of course, it didn't really matter cuz I didn't have my cell phone to make a call anyways, but it would have at least been nice to have some phone numbers to think about and pass the time.

Ever see that commerical for that medication so you won't have to pee so often? It shows two women playing golf and suddenly one of them has to run down the fairway because she has to pee so bad. That's hilarious. Women playing golf.

I've got the night off tonight because they are doing some private event at Joe Franklin's. What do regular people do on Wednesday nights? Can I come with?

I'm writing like 18 different things at the moment but can't seem to focus on any particular. I feel like I need a deadline or something. Anyone wanna asign me a project?

Monday, January 12, 2004

NBC just announced that this will be the last season of Frasier, ending the 20 year run that Kelsey Grammer has played the same character. Makes you wonder if he'll be drinking more or less once the show is over.

I'm thinking more.

Roger Clemens just announced he is unretiring to pitch for the Houston Astros. Considering he didn't spend one day actually retired, I'm not sure this is really unretiring. Actually, you know what, I'm announcing my retirement right now.

And now I'd like to announce my comeback. Pretty seamless, huh?

It was insanely cold out this weekend, sub-zero temperatures, and myself and my incredible group of comics were still out on the streets handing out flyers trying to get people into our shows. We put on a bunch of great shows, and I'm convinced more than ever that this group of comics will be the next great generation. I'm just not sure which generation.

Friday, January 09, 2004

Pete Rose finally admitted to betting on baseball. Reminds me of when I first started comedy and I would bet on which comics would do well or not. I lost hundreds of thousands of dollars on Gallagher.

Who really cares it Pete Rose gets into the Hall of Fame? I have more pressing issues to worry about. Like whether Don Mattingly will ever get in.

I'm watchin WFAN radio on the YES Network right now. Nothing more interesting than seeing talk radio on television. Two middle aged losers areguing whther the mets should get Vladmir Guererro. One things thats nice though, is that you can actually see Mike Franscesa getting fatter by the minute when you watch it on TV.

I spend a lot of time during the day writing various things, stand up, stories, scripts, etc. As I'm doing this I'm usually instant messaging with various people. The comment below is something I just wrote to my friend Joe, who lives in DC. I think the comment stands on it's own...

ComedyGuy2: Yes, he did in the movie, temporarily, but then Galvatron came back and killed him.

That's right people, I'm doing important work over here at Rubinville.

It's been absolutely freezing here in NYC. I'm wearing double underwear today. I'm even thinking of putting pants on.

Bluish, my favorite rock band with a flute, is playing at CBGB on January 19th 1t 11:30 pm. The club is located at 315 Bowery. These guys are well on their way to stardom, so check em out before they sell-out and do gameshow theme songs. I, of course, will be the host on the various game shows.

Monday, January 05, 2004

So the Knicks just got Stephon Marbury and Penny Hardway for a bunch of washed up players and some draft picks and some cash. It was making me think that trading comics would be fun if we were on some kind of team or something. If that was possible I think I'd trade Seinfeld and Ellen for Cosby, Lenny Bruce and a conditional first round pick.

Hmm, this is making me think of all kinds of other trades. Like a Presidential trade. I'd trade Bush for Castro and some Cuban cigars. I also would trade Bill Clinton for Tony Blair and some shoe polish. And Jimmy Carter for peanuts.

I caught the last five mintues of Sex in the City last night, only because I didn't want to miss the beginning of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which was on after it. Ironically, the scene I saw took place at the Hudson Hotel, the same place that I couldn't get into the night before and thus wrote my last rambling journal entry about. The show further confirmed my thoughts about that place. May the Hudson Hotel and its bouncer burn in hell.

The Terrot Alert thing is still Orange. I don't know when they are gonna go back to Yellow, but I doubt we'll ever see it at Red. I mean if its Red you might as well start killing people yourself because the shit is about to hit the fan anyways, right?

I am official sober from New Years in 3, 2, 1...Ahhhhhh.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

We had two kick-ass shows tonight over at the comedy club. There are so many tourists in town that the club filled up quick and people we're defintely in a laughing mood, I guess the New Year is treating people well so far.

Anyways, the reason I'm writing in the journal at 2:15 a.m. is because after the show, Tarun, Mindy and I decided to go out for a drink. Not really wanting to go to our usual spots we headed over to the Hudson Hotel which is on 58th and 8th. I've been there once before, and from what I remember it was hyper trendy, with lotsa dudes in big lapel open shirts and lota girls who need something to eat. While this isn't like our usual dive bar we figured it be fun to check out.

We were going up to the entrance when some guy dressed in all black and with a big mohawk stopped us and told us that the bar is only for people who are staying in the hotel. Now seeing as a group of hot girls walked in right past us, I found this to be a little curious. Apparently the guy before us had a problem with the mohhawk dude too, because he got in his face and was telling him to "go fuck himself", and that he "hadn't heard the last from me."

I guess that three comedians and some other random guy and his friends aren't quite cool enough for the Hudson Hotel. I'd like to take this time to tell that mohawk dude that he is nothing more than an insecure poser, who sadly thinks that his life is important because he can pick who he thinks is cool enough to have over-priced drinks with a bunch of other plastic people. I'd also like to say to the owners of the Hudson Hotel that they will soon be paying for having some sort of exclusivity clause, because I'm gonna write a kick ass bit about this bullshit and get them a bunch of bad PR.

Ahhhhhhhh, i feel much better now.

Good night.