Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Well, its the last day of 2003. Lemme do a quick recap of events of the past year. Did stand up pretty much every night in January-March at Gladys'. Then we opened ComedyWorks and I did stand up there pretty much every night from March to November. Then we caught Sadaam. Then it was Christmas season. And then the year ended. I think that about wraps it up.

Actually, I think I accomplished more this year both personally and professionally than any year up to now, and hopefully this will be just another one of the years that I can say that. I'm pretty sure that the whole point, right?

I'll be heading downtown to a loft party for the New Years celebration tonight. The plan goes something like this; go to party, drink, drink, drink, get laid. Not necessarily in that order, of course.

The other day I dropped my laundry off at the place down the street only to pick it up and find out I must've left some gum inj a pocket because all my white shirts are now pink. I don't mind the color change but after chewing the shirts for only like 15 minutes they lose all their flavor.

I'd like to have a lesbain friend. Not a rugby lesbian friend, but like a hot lesbian friend. Please e-mail me if you are interested or can recommend someone.

For my last political comment of the year, I'd like to once again say that there is something purely evil about Howard Dean and that he must be stopped at all costs.

For my last Michael Jackson comment of the year, I'd like introduce the following idea. Let's just put him in jail for something. I dunno what exactly, but just a short time in jail with no special treatment. I'd like to see him dance after a month of being someone else's little 12 year old.

And for my last comment of the year, I'd like to thank all of those of you who have come out to see me do stand up and support some loon with a joke and a dream. 2004 here we come.

Monday, December 29, 2003

We had the Roast of Adam Hunter last night at ComedyWorks. The night was really incredible. We brought together the most random mixed-match of comedians and put on a great show. Adam took the whole thing in stride, which was quite amazing for anyone to deal with 2 hours of insults, much less a guy like Adam who takes so much stuff personally. However, he had a smile on his face the entire time, though come to think of it that might have had something to do with the 8-10 Corona's he drank. For the most part all the comics were sharp and the jokes were just the right mix of insult and humor. I hosted the show, which was great fun, mostly because I got to throw zingers at every comic before and after I brought them up to perform. I'm sure as my career goes on that I'll be part of many more roasts, however, I think this one will always be special because it was before any of us were anything, and only because we came together as comics and friends.

That was by far the sappiest thing I've ever written in the Daily Dave. I owe you one.

The NFL regular season ended today, sending both the Giants and Jets home for a couple long months. I wish life had an off-season to re-group and heal injuries and take anabolic steriods.

Okay, I'm still slightly hungover so I'll write more tommorrow.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

1000 people dressed as Santa Claus went to the Islanders hockey game today. In between periods they all went out onto the ice so the fans could see them, when suddenly, 2 of them ripped of their Santa Clause uniforms to expose Ranger jerseys. Several other Santas attacked them. This once again proves my theory that hockey sucks.

My fish tank is undergoing some sort of mass death syndrome. Unless there is some sort of Christmas Miracle I don't think anyone will be alive in the morning. This once again proves my theory that fish need to be fed.

I just asked my roomate for something good to funny to write about and he said, "Well, you could write about the socio-economic effects of the mass transit system of New York City." This once again proves my theory that regular people aren't funny.

Someone came up to me the other night and said that I do the best Transformers but that they had ever heard. It was one of the most touching moments of my life. Almost as touching as when Ultra Magnus handed down the Matix of Power to Rodimus Prime shortly after the death of Optimus Prime.

The movie American Pie is on TV right now. Lemme be the first to say that when your father catches you making sweet love to a pie it is far less funny than it appeared to be in the movie.

SportsCenter did their list of the top ten dunkers of all time. They put Clyde Drexler at number 10, even though I think he should have been closer to 5th. Thoughts? Comments?

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

I've received several e-mails from people saying that I was too harsh in my critique of the last Lord of the Rings. I thought about it, and then re-read what I wrote, and I realized that I did make a mistake. Turns out I saw Lord of the Dance, not Lord of the Rings. I'm still not sure why there were elves in that, though.

I just saw a commerical for a mediation for Excema (which apparently is some kind of skin itching thing) and suddenly my skin started itching. Makes you wonder if they just put all these commercials out there to trick us into buying all their crap.

I don't understand what a gift reciept is. I know there is no price on it, but when you return the item, don't you find out the price anyway? Who are we fooling here people?

Apparently, the cast from Seinfeld won't do commentary on the upcoming DVD of the first season of the series. I look forward to the day I can turn down hundreeds of thousands of dollars to sit and talk for a few minutes.

I think that they light the fitting room of the Gap in such a way that when you try clothes on you end up staring into the mirror and examing your life rather than actually seeing how the clothes look.

That's a good premise, someone write some jokes about that for me, ok?

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Just got back from the lastest and last Lord of the Rings.

If you like painfully long movies that are endlessly repetitive and have tons of characters that you don't care about at all, then see this movie. About half way through the movie I actually considered committing suicide. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have any of the swords or sprears or axes on me that they had in the movie. Oh well, lifes goes on.

I'd like to write some funny things here but that movie just sucked the funny out of me. Oh, here's one, I hate people that clap after a movie. This isn't Broadway. It's not live you morons.

Damn, that movie put me in a worse mood than I thought.

I'm gonna make some grilled cheese, that should make everything ok.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

We got Sadaam. I'll let the pundits and people with bow-ties discuss what this means for America, but who knew that Sadaam with a beard would look so much like Topol from Fiddler on the Roof?

They shaved Sadaam immediately and that was making me wonder who actually does the shaving? I mean, in whose job description does it say, "Shaving all captured ex-dictators".

In the video they released of Sadaam they also showed him getting what looked like some cavity checkup. There's a guy with gloves on sticking those little wooden sticks into his mouth like my dentist does. I wonder if they are playing really bad elevator music in the background.

They also seemed to check him for lice. That reminds me of when I was in third grade and they checked everyone for lice. Those were the days.

I just saw some video of the little 8 foot hole that Sadaam was living in. They are saying it was infested with rats and mice and he could barely move around. Sounds strikingly similiar to my NYC apartment.

Al Sharpton is talking on about Sadaam right now, it seems that his body is getting smaller and his head is getting bigger, I wonder if that is some type of medical condition. Maybe he's the first to have it, "Al Sharpton's Disease."

More Sadaam related humor forthecoming, I haven't even had coffee yet.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

So Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean. Could there possibly be two more boring people standing on one stage? Why do people think this is a big endoresemen? Nobody likes Gore. And Dean is even more stiff than him. The democrats are like a bunch of nerds in junior high school who are just happy to have another nerd in the fold so their numbers increase.

Andy Pettitte just signed with the Houston Astros. Pettitte has been my favorite pitcher in baseball for about 8 years, since Jimmy Key retired. I assume that since the Yanks lost him they will now sign 10 more over-paid high-profile free agents, thus ballooning their payroll over 200 million. That is roughly half of the payroll I dole out for the comics at Joe Franklin's.

Our new basketball team debuted last night and we won 59-50. We looked pretty sharp. Fellow comic Marty McLean is now aboard the team, and using skills he gained on PS2's NBA Live, he orchestrated a nice flowing offense and a solid defense. My brother Jonathan is on the team, and working in the regular world has taken its toll on his game, but I expect a full recovery by mid-season. The highlight of the game was a late-game alley-oop that i caught and scored on. I would've dunked but I chose to just lay it up because I didn't wanna show up the opponents.

Adam Hunter is heading out to make the dream come true in LA. I've heard some really horrible things about LA in general and the stand up scene in particular, but if there is someone who can go there and revolutionize it, its the Hunter. We shall see.

Oh, ESPN is promoting their new season of Professional Bowling. That's right, Professional Bowling. Aren't white people great?

Monday, December 08, 2003

Okay, time to get back to the funny after my last reality/depression blog. Funny in 3, 2, 1...

One good thing about the snow is that people are constantly falling all over the place. I saw at least 10 people fall flat on their asses over the weekend. Young, old, big and small, seeing someone fall while walking down the street is always funny.

John Kerry told Rolling Stone magazine that President Bush "fucked up" the Iraq situation. About time a politician started talking like a junior high school student instead of just acting like one.

Krusty the Clown had his Bar Mitzvah on The Simpsons last night. I can't believe I didn't get to light a candle.

Went to the pet store yesterday to get some fishfood. Remember those colored tubes that you could connect to create all kind of crazy mazes to put your hamsters through? I remember them being called Habitrail, but they are something else now. Anyways, they brought back many good memories of childhood for me, so I bought some. Apparently, though, you can't put fish in them. I found that out a little too late.

Just got an e-mail for my 10 year high school reunion. I better make something of my life quick.

CNN is doing a piece about the trial of a cannibal from Germany. I wonder what would go better with human, teriyaki or duck sauce? Either way, I think a nice German beer would help it go down smoothly.

This entry wasn't all that hilarious, but I'm on the comeback trail, so watch out.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Sometimes its hard to explain what following your dream is really like. And, in some respects, it probably shouldn't be explained, it should just be lived. However, since I'm a comic, and I have to hash these things out into words, I'm feeling the need to write about what doing comedy was like last night.

The blizzrd of December 2003, or whatever it is they are calling this thing, hit in full force yesterday. Slowly but surely, as the day progressed, I got several calls from comics cancelling their spots on the show because they couldnt get into the city. The few of us that pressed on, Hunter, Tarun, Meghan, Marty, Singer and Tsirklin, got to the club and grabbed some flyers with the hopes of getting some people to see the show. We all stood out there in the freezing temperatures for about an hour and evnetually got about 10-12 people into the show. Mike Singer once said to me that years from now they will name a psycological condition after comedians who "bark" outside in sub-zero temperatures. I guess they could call it "Bakers Syndrome". Needless to say, the show was less than great, and I had probably the worst set I've had in 3 years.

The second show was slightly less sucky, but I think that overall last night was one of my worst in five years of this adventure. If anything though, it only strengthens my resolve to treck on and push harder and figure out more ways to make this all happen.

Hmm, this wasn't a funny blog at any level was it? I feel like I owe you one. You know what? Come over to my place and I'll give free massages to anyone who reads this, I think thats fair.

Funnyness continues in next blog, I promise.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Did a college radio show last night. I really love doing radio stuff. You can be talking very seriously about something while making silly faces and nobody is the wiser. Much like making your sexy face while having sex and then when they look at you you're like, "Oh, that was nothing, just a little twitch."

Got our final basketball scrimmage tonight before the season begins. Tonight also marks the first time in over 3 years that I will be lacing up new basketball sneakers. Sadly however, I have a feeling I will continue the 27 year run I have on being unable to dunk.

Now I will rank three 80's sitcoms from best to worst: Growing Pains, Who's the Boss, Night Court.

I haven't yet seen the new Paris Hilton show on Fox (that's because I'm still reviewing her sex tapes), but I hope that at some point she at least steps in cow shit or gets molested by an old man on the farm.

Ever think the Middle East Peace Process has nothing to do with peace nor is a process? But, I guess that it sound better than Middle East Not Peace Unprocess.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Well, I just watched "The Reagans" on Showtime. Now, before I get into it, I want to admit that I was flipping between that and the Nets-Kings, so I might've missed some important stuff.

The main point of the movie is that Ronald was a pushover and that Nancy ran the show. I'm not sure if that is true or not but I am a little concerned that the Conservatives in this country got CBS to boot the show over to Showtime in the first place. Somehow I don't think they'll have much of a problem in 10 years when they make "The Clintons" and the show Bill on the phone with Trent Lott while getting head from Monica.

Oh, but we all know that actually was true.

I retract the above paragraph entirely.

As I was watching some football today I noticed that the Bengals are in first place. Last time I heard about the Bengals it was about 1989 because of the Ikky Shuffle. Which, by the way, I invented, but I called it the Rubin Shuffle until they stole it. I haven't danced ever since. And the world breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Ever look through you cell phone and realize there are several people on there that you can't figure out who they are?

Is it possible that Osama bin Landen is working at the bagel place that I get my coffee in the morning?

And if so, is it wrong I still get my coffee there? I mean the coffee is really good.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

I'm watching "The National Dog Show" on the Bravo Channel. I never thought that there would be anything funnier about dog shows than the movie "Best in Show", yet the actual dog show itself is far funnier. The judge I'm watching right now seems to be wearing a slightly too-tight tuxedo so he is having trouble walking around. The play-by-play announcer just told us that we should root for the same dog we have at home, much like one would root for their alma-mater.

A bunch of people have asked me lately why I haven't been on Letterman yet. I'm not sure of the answer to that. Can someone make a call for me?

Here's a new Michael Jackson one for ya. This freak lives in Neverland. Why is it that rich people can name their estates? Michael Jackson living in Neverland is the equivalent of me getting rich one day and moving to Caste Greyskull.

I've offically stopped getting haircuts at Supercuts as of today. I now am part of the Jean Louis David family. Seems like a big step in life, doesn't it?

Bush showed up in Iraq the other day. I didn't know that sitting Presidents can do guest appearances in a war.

Just got some new basketball sneakers, Adidas. I'm not sure if they will make me jump higher, but since I've been wearing them I've had this strange desire to drink Sprite.

Speaking of Kobe, and endoresments he no longer has, you think he's gotta be the happiest person in the world since this Michael Jackson thing broke, right? He's gotta be sitting there going, "Shit man, keep molestiing those kids. This is great!"

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Since every news channel is America is on a non-stop Michael Jackson watch, I'll just throw in one more thing...

Who does this freak of nature take advice from? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, should've said to him, "Okay Micheal, now you are going in to take a mug shot because you are being accused of molesting a twelve year old boy. I think you should take it easy on the BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK! YOU FREAK!! And ease up on the EYELINER! YOU FREAK!! FREAK!! FREAK!! FREAK!!"

Good use of capitalization there for emphasis, huh?

And now that I've thought of it, there will be more MJ stuff to come, this one is just too easy.

Now, moving along, the 4 shows at Bananas this weekend were awesome. The shows were all sold-out and there were tons of drunken New Jersians, all having a great time. I forgot that in most parts of the world you can still smoke inside, unlike in NYC, and at one point I was on stage and because of the lights and the smoke I really couldn't see anyone in the crowd. All I could see was the thick bellowing smoke in front of me. Through it I could hear the laughter though, which was defintely a cool, almost surreal feeling.

In other news, try not to get drunk and fall into a camp fire. This is generally an unsaid rule of life, something you just kind of pick up, but apparently some people need to be told this. If you knew that already, ignore the previous sentence completely.

Just watched a new Simpsons, where they go to London. While the show has lost a step or two over the past few years it is still pretty good. It's like a blowjob in that way. Even when its not great, it's still pretty good.

Friday, November 21, 2003

If you're looking to see me perform this weekend, I'll be at Bananas Comedy Club in New Jersey. There are two shows tonight and two shows tommorrow, check out their website at I'll be performing with Cory Kahane and Rich Vos, both of who were in Last Comic Standing on NBC. Okay, time to be funny...

Thursday, November 20, 2003

What is with these Old Navy commercials? Does anyone understand whats going on in them? Why can't I get the songs out of my head? Can't Fran Drescher find anything else to do these days?

Speaking of Fran Drescher, I was never a fan of "The Nanny" though I've caught it a couple times on Lifetime. Yea, its television for women, but so what? Look, if liking the Golden Girls makes me any less of a man, well, then, I just don't know what to say. This whole conversation is making me upset, I'm gonna go eat some ice cream.

I'm all over the place here. Point is, I constantly see the actor who played the butler in "The Nanny" when I'm walking around the Upper West Side. Every now and again, we make this strange eye contact, like him recognizing that I'm someone who recognizes him. And then that makes me feel like I should say something to him, but I can never think what I should say. "Hey buddy, I don't know your name, but you were the butler in that show that I really never watched."

I'll try that next time.

In other news, Rubinville has gotten more hits this month than any other month in our history. Considering we've got almost 2 weeks left in the month this is very exciting. Yea, checking how many people hit this site excites me. You got a problem with that? If you do, come back to the site tommorrow and register a complaint. And then check back each day thereafter to see if your complaint has been taken into account. Thank you very much.

I'm watching an old episode of "The Cosby Show". It's too bad Rudy got so ugle in the later episodes.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Police are now at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Court TV is saying a 12 years old boy has made some allegations. I won't guess what happened, however, if this 12 year old kids parents let him stay at Michael Jackson's place alone, well, then they should be put in jail whether he did something or not.

My parents wouldn't even let me go to Neverland Ranch today if I wanted to.

I don't think I'm shrinking but I put on a pair of old jeans this morning and I had to roll em up at the bottom cuz they were too long. How could this be?

I watched a JFK assasination conspiracy show last night on the History Channel. Apparently, they don't only show "The Women that Hitler Loved". Who knew?

I totally believe that JFK was assasinated as part of a government conspiracy. If anyone from the government is reading this, I am a comedian, and that is a joke.

Or was it?

What is wrong with a world where the President of the United States goes to Britian and 100, 000 people protest? Where are all the people protesting the dictators in the Arab world who are fermenting all this hatred?

Whatdya think of the new look to the website? We've got some more changes coming. Sit tight kids.

Massachusetts did something that might pave the way for gay people to get married. I'm not sure what they did but I'm sure it was fabulous.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Saw the Matrix Revolutions yesterday. Now, I am am a college graduate. I've read some philosophy. I've smoked a lot of pot. And despite these qualifications, I don't know what the hell that movie was about. And what happened to that bus that couldn't go below 55 miles per hour?

If I learned anything from that movie is was that...uhh...err...umm...uhh...nothing, that's it, nothing. Actually, if anything, I feel slightly dumber.

So Iraq is getting messier every day. On one hand I say lets get the hell out of there before this whole situation gets worse. On the other hand, if we leave, then the Arab world will see us running when the going gets tough. Maybe we should get David Blaine to go over there and do some crazy stunt, and then when everyone is looking, we get the hell out of there.

Played basketball instead of comedy last night. I love this game. And I don't even get paid 8.7 million dollars a year to say that.

You ever stick a Q-Tip in your ear and then realize that it's a half hour later and you've been twirling that thing a little too deep for a little too long?

Ok, gotta go, this Q-Tip is bothering me.

Monday, November 10, 2003

I've noticed a lot of people carrying their dogs in their arms lately. Is there any way that the dog is enjoying this? I find this even more irritating than when people talk to their dogs as if they were people, but then when you look at them they don't even to see that there is something slightly wrong with what they are doing. However, these two pale in comparison to my number oen dog related pet peeve. That would be when you see two people walking their dogs in oppositve directions and when they cross each others' paths, the dogs try to stop and sniff each others butts'. Nine times out of ten, the people will let the dogs do this for no more than five seconds, and then they pull the leash a little harder than usual and drag the dog away.

This scenario makes me ponder our future as human beings. Let's just say that one day in the future alien beings come to Earth, and because they will be more advanced than we are since they got to us first, they are also more powerful and smarter than us. Then, let's say they decide to make us their pets and they put us on leashes and take us out for walks twice a day. If that happens, well then what right would we have to stop and sniff each others butts' if we don't even let our dogs do it now, before we have been colonized by a superior alien race?

Think about it.

So they're saying that Prince Charles had an affair with a male servant. I'd like to quote (to the best of my memory) Leslie Nielson in Naked Gun when I say, "We must respect out British friends, no matter how absurd it is that they have a King and a Queen".

Or in this case a Queen and a Queen.


Friday, November 07, 2003

Howard Stern was on Letterman last night. The guy was absolutely fantastic. It was more interesting than anything I've seen on TV in, well, a long freaking time. It was great watching Stern grill Dave about having a kid and throwing every question that Dave asked right back into his face. The two of them played it perfectly. Howard, the antogonist, and Dave, the patsy. Letterman is a true pro. He kept his sense of humor and his dignity the entire time, even though he was clearly losing control of his own show. I kept thinking what a train wreck this would be if Mr. Leno was in charge.

A bunch of people have e-mailed me saying they liked the posting about the Holy Roman Empire from a couple days ago. As I mentioned when I wrote it, I did that as a request, so if anyone has any other random topic or insane thought that want me to write about, e-mail me and consider it done. As long as it gets past the people at Standards and Practices, that is.

Anyone else find themselves getting less nuerotic about their own life as they watch any Woody Allen movie?

I'm gonna be posting some new video on the site soon. I think I'm gonna try to do one new video per week on some sort of rotating basis. I want to show what the random Monday or Wednesday night is like in a comedy club. Not just the showcase sets that somehow end up on television, but never actually happen in the clubs themselves. The first posting will be from last night, when I did 15 of the craziest minutes that I've ever been a part of. By the end I had two girls on stage giving me a 3 way kiss. Not bad, not bad at all. Video forthcoming.

I'll end here with a joke since there was nothing particularly hilarious about this posting ----

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

(That's all I've written so far, let me know if you have a punchline.)

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

It looks like CBS is about to can their Ronald Regan mini-series. Now I should preface anything I say here by mentioning that I'm sure I wouldn't have even watched this thing in the first place, but now that CBS might dump it, the whole things seems a little more interesting to me.

Basically, some Republican groups read the script and don't like how they portray Ronnie in the movie. This reminds me of a couple years ago when the good people at CBS wanted to make my life into a mini-series and then the Republicans pulled the same thing. I didn't even care that the mini-series made me look like nothing more than a womanizing, masogynistic, booze-hount. Actually, I relished in it. I mean any publicity is good publicity, right? Damn republicans.

In an unrelated event, ABC Family is now they're showing the episode of Growing Pains when Kirk Cameron's wife-to-be leaves him at the alter. And they say there is nothing good on television.

Let's see what else. My hair has never been longer and I think I'm starting to look a little insane but people keep telling me it looks good. Maybe insanity fits me.

Congress gave Bush the green light on the 87 Billion for the war. Does anyone else wonder where this money is coming from? What are we loosing if we are giving up an extra 87 billion? It doesn't even seem like a fathomable number, does it? 87 billion? What is that? Actually, it's 87.5 billion. That .5 is the key billion, though. Thats for all the Iraqi's to get shaving equipment to get rid of their Sadaam mustaches.

Ok, that's all folks.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

I rarely take requests on my journal here, but the President of my fan club in Ohio has specifically requested that I write about the Roman Empire in this entry.

(Before I continue I am currently seeking Presidents for my fan clubs in Alaska, Arizona, Alabama, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida Georgia, uhh, you get the point.)

And now a bit about The Holy Roman Empire...

The Roman Empire did a lot of stuff. Most of it was good if you were Roman, and bad if you weren't. The movie "Gladiator" was taken from live footage of stuff going on during that time. Romans liked to eat both in the morning and at night, as well as once in between. Contrary to what most people think, the Romans did not invent the Roman Candle, it was actually invented by a guy in the small city of Porgutamahunteramana, which was south of Rome, but, because Porgutamahunteramana doesn't easily slip off the tongue, the they chose to call it The Roman Candle instead.

Besides all that stuff, Rome was pretty boring. Well except for that period of time that Robin Hood starting stealing money from the rich and giving it to the poor. And also the time that Skeletor almost conquered Castle Greyskull. Those were both very important events in the history of Rome.

For more information about Rome you should get on a flight to Italy and ask to speak to the Pope. He is a young, energetic fellow and he is always looking for someone to talk to.

Monday, October 27, 2003

Warren told me that my last entry was a little depressing so I was just sitting here trying to think of something funny when on TV (Fox News Channel - I'm a glutton for punishment), I hear Al Sharpton say, "I'm in this race because of the fight between the Christian Right in this country and the Right Christians!"

Then they went to commercial.

What the hell does that mean? I didn't even know a fight was setup. Which side is Jesus on? Is it on Pay-Per-View? How much does it cost?

And which race does Sharpton think he is in exactly, anyway? The race to the hair gel factory? Race to the thesaurus to sound smarter than you are? Race for the White House? All very funny possibilities.

The fires in California are running rampant. It sure would be upsetting if they destroyed all of Hollywood, wouldn't it be?


When was the last time you heard someone say "NOT" like that? Been awhile huh? Well, I guess it was only a sentence ago.

NBA season starts in 2 days. My official prediction is a rematch of last season's finals, Spurs v. Nets. However, this time, I think the Nets will get it right and win it in 6. Book it, yo!

Ramadan began yesterday and someone bombed some more stuff in Baghdad. Nice to see the holiday starting off with a bang. Oh those crazy muslim radicals.

Maybe I'll run for President. How do you go about doing that? Hmm. Maybe I'll star in a couple action movies and then jump in, that seems like it would work.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

So we did an "industry show" last night at ComedyWorks. I had really nothing to do with setting it up, but I was told that there were about 20 people who were either commercial agents, managers or bookers at the club. The show was sold-out, we actually had to turn around about 20 people. Anyways, my set was really good, I even told jokes, and I'd say 9 out of the 10 minutes were pretty killer.

After the show I watched as all the comics flocked all over the "industry" people outside the club. Now first off, seeing as I've been doing comedy for about 5 years and haven't ever really met anyone from the industry before, I'm not sure that the industry even exists. For all I know these people are from the steel industry or the locomotive industry.

Instead of fawning over these people and making small talk and trying to hand out my business cards to everyone I sat at the bar and had a beer. Maybe this is egotistical of me but I really think that if someone sees talent in me that they should approach me, not wait until I come up to them. They should see something and want to be part of it, not want to make me kiss their ass. Unfortunately, the whole thing seems to be set up the wrong way, and, of course, comics seem to all be willing to kiss ass preemtively.

(I apologize for the above self-indulgent rant, but I gotta do it sometimes, it's either that or pushing people into subway trains.)

Got some new fish yesterday including this really big goldfish who looks like he has his brain on the outside of his head. Somehow this makes me think he is smarter than all the other fish, but I doubt that is actually true. Maybe he just has severe brain damage.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Bumped into Conan O'Brien while walking the Upper West Side earlier today. We talked for a few minutes and he was very cool. He gave me the name of the person who books comedians on the show, so an e-mail has already be sent, now we wait and see.

Why do I keep getting Instant Messages from girls who want to show me their live webcam? And how do they always know that I'm a stud? It's like they're psychic.

The PH in the fishtank is a little low, about 6.4 now. What is PH? What does it stand for? Why is it so important? So many questions, so few answers.

OK, time to go, The Simpsons are on --- The one thing in the universe funnier than me.

Monday, October 20, 2003

World Series is looking pretty good so far, although even as a Yankee fan I don't really care after that zany series with Boston. NBA starts in a few weeks and I'm still unsigned. Yea, that's right, I'm still without an NBA team. What's going on here? I'll even play for the veteran minumum.

The Democrats are having some presidential debate in a couple days. Do any of them know that the election is over a year away? Do any of them know that nobody watches these things anyway? Do any of them know that they are all highly dorky?

Bought new shoes over the weekend.

Also bought a Swifer, which gets more dust off the floor than anything I've ever seen. It also collected a disturbing amount of human hair, I'll have to look into that.

We're looking for alternative ways to promote ComedyWorks, so if you have any ideas please let me know. As it gets colder out I don't realyl want to keep the comics out there barking. Plus, the shows have been really good lately, we just need some publicity. Maybe I'll do some sort of hostage situation or something.

The DC Sniper is going to defend himself in court. I know there is a good joke about this, give me a a day or two.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Some dude sticks his hand out trying to catch a foul ball and now the entire city of Chicago wants to kill him. This, ladies and gentlemen, is very definition of funny.

Steve Bartman is now public enemy #1.

I'd go so far as to say that if the Cubs don't win game 7 tonight, that Bartman won't make it out of the weekend alive.

Talk about irony. I mean the guy is obviously such a huge Cubs fan that he is the guy that goes to the game in a Cubs hat and listens to the game on his walkman so he can hear the play-by-play. And now he might've cost them a shot at the World Series. This guy is gonna have one tough time getting a date in Chi-Town.

I'm watching Saved by the Bell right now. A young Tori Spelling is playing Violet, Screech's girlfriend. It is one of the most emotionally heartwrenching episodes of television I've ever seen.

Cosby is on next. Not The Cobsy Show, but Cosby. What was he thinking with that show anyway? And how did he think he was gonna get away with having Felicia Rashaad as his wife on two different sitcoms? Ahmad Rashaad must want to kill him.

Actually, Ahmad and Felicia has since gotten divorced. I heard it was because she like extra butter on her Pop-Secret Popcorn and he didn't like any butter.

Think that's all I've got for today. By the way I'm still searching for a good manager/agent. You can 30 days to discover me before I officially go at it alone. Over and out.

Monday, October 13, 2003

I haven't written or even talked about this in about a year but for some reason it has been on my mind lately.

The Tom Hanks Thing.

Long story very short, Tom Hanks used a bunch of my jokes on the Tonight Show when he was promoting "Castaway" a couple years ago. It really brings up all these weird feelings for me to even think about it, but basically he did this bit, while sitting and talking to Leno (in the biz, its known as "panel"), about all these 80's toys, culminating in a bit about the Transformers.

If you ask most comics, bits are liften/stolen/raped all the time. However, when you see perhaps the most famous actor in the world doing your bit on the Tonight Show, versus an unknown hack doing your bit at 1:35 a.m. in a comedy club, there is a subtle difference.

My feelings about the whole thing were corraborated by a bunch of comics, who knew I was the only comic at the time doing such silly stuff as all those 80's toys. The story got a little blurb in Page Six of the New York Post, and Inside Edition came down to the Comedy Cellar to interview me about the story. I didn't know what the hell to do, and I really didn't want to be known as the comedian that attacked Tom Hanks, so I really let the whole thing drop.

After that is when I began my couple year adventure into telling no jokes while on stage. My new motto became "Just be funny". They could always steal my jokes, but they couldn't steal my funny.

I think I'm ready to talk about the whole fiasco on stage, and the aftermath of it, if I can figure out how to make it funny. Interesting, writing some jokes about why I can't really tell jokes. Lemme get on that.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Okay, I'm back after a small, but effective killing spree in honor of Governor-Elect Arnold. Rumor has it that he felt up six unsuspecting women after his acceptance speech.

Rememeber in 7th grade when feeling up a girl was an accomplishment? Now you bump into a girl in the elevator and you get just as far.

If you haven't checked out Adam Hunter's website, jump on there at He's even got a little journal like this one where you can read about all the stuff that I forget about.

I'm thinking about ditching all my jokes again and starting to go back up there and just be funny, like I did for about 3 years before this past year. Is it possible to miss the good old days before you have gotten anywhere else?

I guess my joke about Arnold is no longer topical but I do still think having his twin brother Danny DeVito serve as Deputy Governor is pretty funny.

Could the Democrats have a more pathetic bunch of people running for President? Maybe I'll throw my hat in the ring. I only have one good hat, thought, forget it.

Jay Leno is introducing Arnold as the next Governor of California - I will comment on this further in the morning if I haven't gone on a killing spree.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

So Rush Limbaugh thinks that Donovan McNabb is overratted because he is a black quarterback. I wonder if he would think that I'm overratted because I'm a black comic. Oh wait, I'm not black. Son of a bitch.

Speaking of black, I had a delicious black and white cookie the other day. I think the black and white is my favorite cookie.

I'v really had it with bands doing covers of other bands songs. Why do we let them get away with this? Imagine if a comedian tried to do a cover of another comedians joke? Oh wait, I think Robin Williams built a career on that.

(That was an inside joke mainly for comedians.)

(Sorry about that.)

(What's the point of these parenthesis?)

I need some coffee. Adios.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

"Well, Hurricane Isabel has hit land, and if you think naming a hurricane after a woman is sexist, then you've never seen the women at the sales rack at Bloomingdales."

I loosely stole that line from Kent Brockman, the newsman in The Simpsons, when a hurricane is about to hit Springfield.

Why is it that we have th need to send newspeople ou tto the middle of the storm. They look like complete morons as they stand out there in a raincoat and golashes. "It sure is rainy and windy out here." Hot damn, there's a hurricane and its rainy and windy. I can't believe it.

The ComedyWorks website is now up at We've also got major news about the club coming in the next few weeks. I'll have my press people writing up a very wordy release.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

I'm not feeling any particular inspiration right now so I'm gonna try to do some freestyle writing here and see what happens. By freestyle, basically I'm just gonna keep typing even when I'm not having any particular thought. So, right now, for example, I'm not really thinking of anything but I'm writing it. I guess this could become a massive headache for both of us, but I've started and now I can't stop.

So I'm watching the The People's Court right now, I think Marilyn whats-her-last-name wears too much makeup to be a judge. For some reason I don't think a judge should wear red lipstick that you would expect a hooker to wear. Although, speaking of hookers, I've noticed that the hookers on 8th Avenue don't wear that much makeup anymore. What kind of world is it when our judges look like hookers and our hookers look like they need more makeup?

I just made new business cards using some business card software. That seems like a good thing to do with business card software, right?

Why is it that no matter how many times I clean my room that all my clothes end up on the floor? I don't remember ever putting everything on the floor, yet it just gets there. I think there's something going on that I don't know about.

If you are reading this and have seen me perform lately, if you have a better finish for the bit about the guy behind the counter at Subway, I'd really like to hear it. For some reason I can't finish it off right. Come to think of it, I have the same problem with sex, I just don't finish strong.

I'm not sure what that meant either.

Freestyle writing here folks, I can't be help acocuntable for any of this.

Okay, I think that's it for today, see ya on the flipside. Or next time you come to Rubinville, either or.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Jay Leno makes me sick.

Literally, sick.

As in I just tried to watch the Tonight Show for a few minutes and I feel phsyically ill.

Luckily, since I'm doing comedy just about every night I don't have the chance to see the show that often, but I took a rare night off tonight and tuned in for a couple minutes. That guy is literally the biggest hack known to man. I won't get off on a crazy rant about him, but if you want to know my feelings about Jay Leno I'd recommend buying or downloading Bill Hick's bit on Leno from about 1992, I forget which CD it is, but I'll post that in when I find out.

Leno is a sellout at every level. I don't know one self respecting comic that likes the guy, yet nobody will say that in public because everyone wants to get on his show. But even getting on his show isn't like it used to be when Carson hosted - then, if Carson liked you, you made it. Now Leno is at the helm and since nobody really respects him, nobody respect the show. Damaged goods, is what it is. I'm sure Johnny Carson would be flipping out if he knew what garbage his show became, but somehow I doubt he watches.

Oh, I guess I did get off on a rant there, huh?

Okay, now I don't wanna seem like some angry player hater so lemme list some comics that I really respect and admire:

Bill Cosby
David Letterman
Jerry Seinfeld
Larry David
Ellen Degeneres
Chris Rock

I guess writing this hurts my chances of getting on The Tonight Show, but to quote Derrick Coleman, "woop de damn do". I'd rather do some stand up and then sit there with Letterman any day. Whether you like him comedically or not, the guy at least has managed to keep some level of intergrity in a business that has none. Leno is further along in the Darkside than Darth Vader ever was. He's more machine than comic.

Ah, good to get some shit off my chest. Over and out.

Friday, August 29, 2003

My roomate Mike got the Juiceman Juicer for his birthday last week. Ever since then I've been juicing like a madman. While I do fear that my eybrows will eventually become silver and bushy and turn upwards like the Juiceman's himself, I cannot stop the juicing process. Today I'm thinking I'll go with some sort of orange/apple/carrot combo. There is a rumor some grapfruit will get in there, but I can't confirm nor deny that at this point.

Comedy continues to go really well. I've noticed lately that the general state of the NYC comedy scene is a distarter, with tons of comics depressed about the way things are going, but we've really got an awesome thing going on at ComedyWorks. I'd bet that there isn't a better, more creative atmosphere in the entire country as for comedians to be part of. The website for the club will be up soon at

Hmm, what else?


Friday, August 22, 2003

So Arnold is running for the governor of California. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to capitalize the "G" in governor, but now that Arnold is running I am official never capitalized that word again. Anyways, President Bush has already come out and said that Arnold would make a good governor, which means the endorsement is right around the corner. And that was making me think, I mean, what is GWB basing this on? How does he know Arnold would make a good governor? Does he know any of Arnold's policies? Does Arnold know his policies? Does anyone know any of Arnold's policies? I don't think so. But maybe, just maybe GWB things that Arnold actually is the Terminator. He's walking around thinking, "Boy, if he can go back in time to save John Conner and thus save the world, he'd sure make a pretty good governor. He can probably go back in time and kill Grey Davis' mother. And I know he'd work well with children because of Kindergarten Cop. And I bet he'd surround himself with good people, like his twin brother, Danny DeVito."

Oh, that crazy GWB.

Let's see, what else is going on? We had the blackout last week which was interesting. Governor Pataki became like a 7th grader doing current events during the whole thing? "I don;t know who did this. I don't know what happened. I don't know when it happend. I don't know where it happened. And I don't know how it happened. Now where are my shoes?"

Oh, that crazy Pataki.

OK, time to shoot some hoops. I've re-found my old three point touch. Gonna go show those 12 year old whose boss.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

I'm doing the old Daily Dave today live from Central Park where I'm sitting on a green park bench by the Great Lawn. I don't know why I felt it necessary to tell you the color of the park bench, but I don' t feel like deleting that sentence, so know that the bench is green and revel in all that knowledge.

We've been getting a lot of hits here at Rubinville lately, which is making the general population here quite happy. We're also working on a website for Comedyworks so in a few weeks you can check out and find even more hysterical stuff.

I was discussing the lifestyle of a comedian the other day with Tarun and he said that he doesn't want to be 30-something and alone in a room with just a couple jokes to show for it. I told him that if he wrote more joes that the room would seem more full and that then he would be ok. Pretty sound advice I think.

My roomate rented the "Old School DVD" yesterday because it has some bonus footage. Bonus Footage. Who are these ass monkeys fooling? Bonus footage is just extra crap that they couldn't fit in the original movie in the first place. Bonus Footage. Yea, I usually walk out of movies thinking, "You know what? That movie was pretty good but I wish there was another 30-45 minutes of it. If they only would've tacked on another 45 minutes to the boat sinking scene in the Titanic I really think it would've more enjoyable. Ya, 45 minutes more of the boatin sinking, that woulda made it just perfect!"

So Arnold is running for Governor of California. I saw GWB say the other day that he thought Arnold would make a good Governor. Now, obviously he says that only because they are both Republicans, I mean what is he basing this statement on? He has absolutely no idea what Arnold policies or thoughts are on anything. (Much like the general public as well as Arnold himself.) Then I got to thinking - Maybe GWB thinks that Arnold is actually the Terminator in reality - And who would fuck around with Governor Terminator? Not GWB, apparently.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

I'd like to start today with a shout out to my fans in Cincinatti. That's actually the first shout out I've ever given. I tried to give one a couple years ago but I lost it mid-sentence cuz i choked on a piece of apple.

So I went to the Broadway Arcade on 42nd Street yesterday with Bob Juergens. We played several intense games of Ms. Pacman, and though I do pride myself on my video game skills, Bob won each game. In the last game he won by only 20 points, or two pellets, because I foolishly checked the score instead of seeing that Blinky and Clyde were closing in on me.

We looked around for some of the newer video games to play but I gotta say I know I'm getting older because I'm intimidated by all the new games. Have you ever seen that dancing game? You actually dance to techno music on some crazy board for points. This is not something a comedian should ever take part of. I actually thought of going up to the kids and saying, (in old man voice), "Back in my day we didn't have dancing boards, we had joysticks with 1 button, 2 if we were lucky. Now go home and nap, damnit!"

Marty, I'm writing about you in this sentence you are reading right now. Thank you for not physically attacking any audience members this week. Much appreciated. Keep up the good work.

I'll end with this. I've noticed that I enjoy writing comedy - or whatever this is. But, when I do stand up, I like just going up there and seeing what happens. I've become the comedian who can't tell a joke. I gotta look into that.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

I'd say that watching television at 4:30 in the afternoon is probably one of the worst experiences you can have as a human being. Despite my 100 plus channels on digital TV, there is absolutely nothing to watch. I almost gave up and left "Crossfire" on CNN on, but Tucker Carlsons tie is way to upsetting. What a freak that guy is. I mean how hard can you be trying to look intellectual to be 30 something and wearing one of those dorky ties? I wonder if he has sex with that tie on. Of course, that would imply he actually has sex, which, we all know isn't true.

Long story short, I'm watching "Weekend at Bernie's" on HBO. I've seen it probably 30 times. It too bad they had to actually kill Terry Kiser to make the movie, though. Whatever happened to Jonathan Silverman? I'm picturing him in an alley somewhere trying to score some drugs. Whatdya think?

Check out my friend Mindy's newest online column at -

She's a comic ally of mine (as Tarun calls us all). Funny girl and good writer.

Think that's it for now. Weekend at Bernie's is calling.

Friday, August 01, 2003

Just as a public service reminder, my e-mail adress is - My old e-mail address, has been wigging out lately, so if you are trying to e-mail just send it to the AOL one. AOL is a giant monopoly and they need our money and service to help them take over the world.

Comedy is still going real well. The club has been getting better and better, and I'm working in a really good creative mode lately. Sometimes when things are going well I have this feeling that some disaster is about to strike, but thats not very productive, so after a couple shots of tequila I don't think like that anymore.

Caught Minority Report on HBO yesterday. Great flick. Something very similair happened to me actually. Without getting into it, that whole eye replacement thing isn't as painful as it looks.

Just hooked up wireless internet to my apartment here. Now I can sit on the toilet and take a dump while researching about toilets. Pretty cool.

Dinner just arrived, turkey burger and fries. Adios.

Friday, July 25, 2003

Folks, after a 5 week workin-like-a-regular person stint, I am officialy back in action.

My time promoting Verizon Wi-Fi is over and the hilarity can begin once again.

But first, some clerical things...

ComedyWorks in the big room has been a big success. Our opening night last Monday packed in about 150 people which, under normal circumstances is great, but the AC broke in the middle of the show, and there is nothign worse than comedy when people are sweating. We also had some audio problems and other logistical things, but we've since been knocking them out and the shows have been comign together once again. I think the coolest part of the room is that the windows surrounding the place allow people on 8th Avenue to see the show from outside - I don't know of any other comedy club that has anything like that but its defintely a nice touch.

Got a new cell phone today. Fancy color screen. When I was a kid we didn't have cell phones. And we didn't have color screens. We just had to yell as loud as we could from across the street. All in black and white.

I wonder how may people actually read these nonsensicle ramblings anyways? I got some random emails from people but I really have no idea. Are you reading this right now? Are you? Are you?

I've noticed that can no longer function without coffee in the morning. When I wake up I am like Jason from Friday the 13th - "Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill". Then, I have one little sip of coffee and I don't wanna kill anyone. Coffee is stopping me from killing, who woulda thunk?

Monday, July 21, 2003

So the new and improved ComedyWorks opens tonight. this weekend has been filled with building stages, setting lights, rearranging tables and writing a couple jokes. We had mentions in the NY Post and the Daily News this weekend, so everything should be rockin' tonight.

Here's my last plug...

ComedyWorks Big Room Grand Opening
TONIGHT, July 21, 2003
8:30 pm
On the corner of 45th and 8th
212.592.0341 for reservations

Be there or be square.

I haven't said that phrase since 1987. Oh, 1987 was a good time. 3rd grade. Had a crush on Amy Weinstein. My first Gi Joe v. transformer war took place in the basement of my house. Smoked crack in the dumpster behind school. Yea, those were the days.

Monday, July 14, 2003

Great news on the comedy front today. As of next Friday, ComedyWorks will be taking over all Joe Franklin's Restaurant. Basically, the shows have been such a success that we're gonna see what happens if we add another 50 or so seats. So, if your reading this come by on Friday or Saturday - drop me an e-mail before hand and I'll personalize a joke to each and every one of you.*

*Personal joke not guaranteed.

Working back at Verizon right now. They are making me do the tucked in shirt which is one of my most hated fashion things. I don't like doing the tuck, I don;t like seeing the tuck and I don't like people who like the tuck.

Spent a quality day with the family yesterday, without drinking. I know that goes against my proclamation made last week about always drinking when I'm around the family but everyone was on their best behavior yesterday, I think it was the weather. That or the joint we all passed around.

If you haven't checked it out yet, take a look at Tarun is a "comedic ally" of mine, as he puts it. Beware though, he is Indian, so if you think Kashmir should go back to Pakistan then you better steer clear of the site before his radical views get to you.

Thats it for now, Bob Juergens need to check his e-mail because he just signed up for lavalife. Pathetic, isn't it?

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

So one of the drawbacks of having an online journal is that people read it. Without getting into a whole long thing here, I'd like to publicly apologize to anyone named Warren that I've recently offended. I'd also like to apologize to the New York State Board of Education, my 7th grade english teacher, the Tuna Association of America, and everyone on the 1 train going downtown last Friday when I farted during rushhour.

You'll be happy to know I'm now officially 2 months off of Chapstick. Its been rough, and I do have to check into the Methadone clinic 2 or 3 times a week still, but I think I'm off that stuff for good. Hilarious bit on said subject forethcoming.

Bought some pants at Urban Outfitters yesterday. Maybe I'll buy a shirt today.

Yea, a shirt, nobody can stop me.

Monday, June 30, 2003

Right now I'm standing on the corner of 79th and Broadway while on the internet through the new Verizon wireless internet service. See, while I am a hugely successfulcomedian, with more money than I could ever spend in this lifetime, I still like to work during the day doing nonsensical promotions for giant telecommunication companies. Yup,thats just what I like to do.

I've officially decided to drink alcohol whenever I spend more than 2 consecutives hours with my family. This new policy officially went into affect at dinner last night.

Phenomonal shows this week at the ComedyWorks. Warren hosted the late show on Saturday, did an awesome job. The amount of people that stayed after the show just to meet us was pretty amazing.

Ok, I'm gonna ask Bob Juergens to say something funny right now let's see what he comes up with...

"Perpetrating segundas"

That's what he said. I'm not sure what that means but I'll cut him some slack, comedians usually aren't as funny in the daytime.

Ok keep up the good folks. Drink a lot of water, it's hot out there.

Friday, June 27, 2003

Heatwave 2003 continues here in NYC. I think I've dropped about 15 pounds of sweat in the last few days, which, if it continues at this rate, could lead to me becoming just a pile of clothes by mid to late next week.

It was my birthday yesterday so all the comics took me out which ended in a big drunken mess. Mike Tsirklin bought shots for everyone of some unnamed alcohol which everyone is paying the price for today. Come to think of it, I never saw him actually buy the shots, I wonder if he just brewed that stuff himself. I'll have to do some research.

There is a guy in our bathroom right now trying to fix the sink thats been clogged up. I just heard a big crash and then the sound of glass shattering. I wonder if I should go see if he is okay.


Friday, June 20, 2003

I have some bad news to report. There has been a death in the fishtank. Goldfish #2 is no more. Investigators are still trying to find out the cause of death but I think it may have been due to his long depression. Services will be held this Saturday at Temple Emanuel in Great Neck, Long Island. Donations can be made to the following address:

The Small Goldfish Family
32 Gravel Lane
Underwater, Fishtank 10024

A tree will be planted in a fishtank in the Holy Land for every donation made.

We'll all miss you Goldfish #2, send my best to Old Bluey.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Hmm, I'm not really in the mood to write about the world of comedy today, lets see, what else is there?

I'm playing Grand Theft Auto - Vice City on Playstion 2. I'm not sure what the point of the game is but I've been beating up hookers and driving over old people all day long. Pretty cool, right? My friend Lenny lent (thats kinda funny - Lenny lent) me the game Bounty Hunter, where you play Jango Fett on some missions between Stars Wars Episodes I and II. I'd say that Boba Fett was my favorite character from Star Wars which is probably why I moonlight as a bounty hunter myself.

A couple comics have said to me that I shoukd think about retracting all my anti Leno/NBC thoughts that I write on this thing. After reviewing the evidence I stand by everything I've said, and in some cases you can double the hosticility and triple the annoyance.

I just saw the Muppets Take Manhattan the other day. Great movie. I just find it hard to believe that the guy who owned the diner would hire rats to cook the food. That's got to be some kind of health violation, don't you think?

One of my goldfish is looking kind of sick these days. He's just been laying low by the gravel pile. I wonder if he knows his days are numbered. They say fish only have 6 second memories, so I guess that doesn't give him too much time to write up his last rites.

Deep stuff today, right?

Thursday, June 12, 2003

So people keep asking me what I think of NBC's new reality show "Last Comic Standing". I guess because I'm a comedian I should have some passionate feelings about the show, so, for the record here are my feelings...

I haven't seen the show, but I'm sure it sucks. Putting comedians in a reality show is exactly the opposite of what any real comedian should be doing, seeing as the reason so many comics can't get on TV these says is because of these reality shows in the first place. Screw NBC.

NBA Finals are now 2-2. I'm still sticking with my 4-2 Nets prediction. My friends have been telling me I play like Kerry Kittles, I'm not sure how to take that.

I'm thinking about making some tuna right now but my hand is kind of aching from excessive Playstation 2 and I'm not sure I'll be able to use the can opener properly.

I think I'll go with a turkey sandwich instead. Isn't that exciting? That's it for now.

Friday, June 06, 2003

Well, I finally moved into my new place last weekend. It's looking pretty good so far and I'm a little closer to where Seinfeld took place, so I'm feeling quite comedic these days. Now I just have to find a neighbor who has crazy hair and swings the door open to massive applause whenever he enters.

I bought a 12 gallon fishtank the other day, which is a massive step up from my previous 3 gallon one. We've got s bunc hof different goldfish in there, and so far there have been no reported deaths or drownings. Seeing the new tank set up reminded me of Old Bluey, my Japanese Fighting Fish, who passed on just about a year ago. Old Bluey was a good fish despite the fact that the other fish in the tank, particularly the Neons, barely ever swam with him. I miss ya buddy.

ComedyWorks continues to go strong. We were without Adam Hunter for the past couple days, as he was off to LA to for some spots at the Improv. I spoke to him briefly this morning and it sounds like it went well. I'd guess the sitcom deal should be knocked out in a day or two, I'll keep you posted.

The quality of comedy has contunutely gotten better in the less than two months that we've been running the club. I really don't think there is another club in NYC, or probably the whole country that has a better, more committed group of comics working hard to make things happen for themselves and each other. We don't have any of the ridiculous bullshit politics of the main clubs, and the atmosphere is amazing because we all are actually friends with each other. Anytime I need some inspiration someone does something on stage to give it to me. Lately, its been Bob Jergins who is in an unbelievable zone. He's even cutting down on the fart jokes, which, im told, is a good thing.

Nets are down 1-0 in the finals, but I'm sticking to my 4-2 Nets win. Nutty, I tell ya, nutty.

Monday, May 26, 2003

Went to Adam Hunter's Big Birthday Bash out in Longbeach, Long Island today. Joining me were such great comedic minds as Mike Tsirlkin, Mindy Raff, Warren Holstein, Bob Jergins, Eric Bronstein and Meghan Hanley. The day was filled with beers, burgers and lots of verbal sparring at each others' expense. There are few things more hilarious also painful as a bunch of comics ripping each other apart during a road trip. Highlights included Bob telling Warren he stole his famous farting bit, and Tsirlkin threatening to "turn this car around" if we all didn't shut up when we got slightly lost after getting off the Long Island Railroad.

I think I have this apartment all locked up, which would be nice seeing as I have to move out of this apartment in 5 days. These bastards want every piece of paper that I ever filled out in my life. Social Security number, W-2 forms, Savings Account number, etc. etc. That's all well and good, but when they asked to see my permanant record from elementary school I knew something was fishy. What do they do with those permanent records anyway? I hope they destroy them otherwise some of those incidents back in third grade could come back and haunt me.

The Nets are in the NBA Finals and the Spurs are up 3-1. I'm gonna make a crazy prediction here and say Nets in 6.

ComedyWorks continues to get better. Looks like we're adding a late show on Tuesday now too, which brings the weekly show total to 11. I'm getting up on every show, about 20 minutes per show, which translates into a lot of stagetime. I just wish I knew some good jokes. Actually, the comics keep calling me, "The comic with no jokes", so why should I fight it?

Big thanks to Steve and Laruen Giordano, the brother/sister combo who handle all the technical stuff here at Rubinville. They have bigger plans for the whole site but they are putting up this temporary version cuz I harass Steve at work constantly via Instant Messaging. Thanks guys.

Time to hit the sack, well either that or go to bed. G'nite.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

I�m sitting in Central Park on one of those green benches around the loop of the Great Lawn. I�ve become one of those people who take their laptops out to Central Park, which, I guess I is better than one of those people who take their laptops out to Starbucks, but in all honesty, I once was one of those people as well. I�m guessing that it�s about 80 degrees outside, and there is barely a cloud in the sky � by far the nicest day of the year so far. Actually, it�s so sunny that I can�t even see the computer screen at all, so I�m guessing there will be plenty of typos in here, but I have spell check on this computer � pretty fancy, huh?

Looks like I finally found an apartment the other day. A little 2 bedroom on Amsterdam and 83rd. Its pretty small, but brand new inside, and the price, 1650 per month for a 2 bedroom, is pretty damn good in this city. My roommate Mike is finishing up the paperwork as I write this. People are always doing paperwork. I don�t think I�ve ever done paperwork, nor do I ever want to do paperwork. At my last office job I spent most of the days shifting papers around the desk to look busy, but somehow I don�t think that�s what people mean when they talk about paperwork. Either way, paperwork just isn�t for me.

ComedyWorks is still going great. As of this week we have added a 2nd show to Wednesdays as well, which now brings us up to 10 shows per week. I�m getting on stage and doing more time than I ever have, and am feeling quite hilarious in the process. I�m working on this new bit about how when I am with my extended family I like to look around and see who did what psychological damage to who, and how that affects everyone else in the family. As I�ve done that more and more I�ve been able to take it up generation after generation and as I see it, everyone is messed up because 2 monkeys weren�t sharing a banana way back when.

Our basketball team won again last night and are now on a season long 4 game winning streak. With 2 games to play we�re looking pretty good for the playoffs barring major disaster. Blake turned his ankle yesterday, though some team insiders claim played it up just for the camera.

I bought new sneakers a couple days ago in my first purchase of anything besides shoes in probably about a year. I went with Blue Pumas after a very intense five minutes of deliberating at the local Athlete�s Foot.

My second purchase was a 6 dollar shirt that I bought at the Salvation Army while with Bob Jergins, Bob has mastered the art of shopping at the Salvation Army and was thrilled to bring me into his little world. I do like the shirt, I just hope I don�t start smelling like old man stink now.

I wonder how long a laptop can be out in the sun before it melts.

Thursday, May 08, 2003

So I'm in a full-fledged apartment search these says. I won't go into all the hack jokes about how small and expensive New York City apartments are, but let me just say thats New York City apartment are very small and very expensive. There is a certain beauty in being able to get a drink from the fridge, take a dump on the toilet and be able to open your front door all at the same time, though.

Comedy Works goes to 2 shows on Thursdays starting tonight. We've had so much success on the Friday/Saturday shows, that we figure why not on Thursday too? We'll see how it goes, anyone know a good joke?

They're saying that Al Queda is working on another stirke the size of September 11th. CNN was showing that some people are actually making "safe rooms" in their homes, that would protect them from a chemical or biological strike. Can you imagine being locked in a room with your family during a terrorist attack? Talk about a dysfunctional breeding ground My Dad would be complaining that the guy didn't paint it right, my brother and my sister would be punching each other, my mom would be crying while asking them to stop fighting, and I would be in the corner, writing it all down. We'd kill each other before the anthrax would even have a chance.

Pardon the Interuption on ESPN is one of the best shows on TV. I don't have enough time or tolerance to watch an hour long Sporstcenter anymore, but in a half hour these guys catch you up on everything going on in the world of sports and entertainment and make it amusing. Plus, Tony Kornheiser went to Binghamton - I wonder if we got our weed from the same guy.

Justin Timberlake is now doing a segment on TNT's playoff basketball coverage. What planet am I on?

That's all folks...

Sunday, May 04, 2003

Hi, everyone, we have a great blogger for you tonight. Don't you hate it when late night talk show hosts say "we have a great show for you tonight"? I really can't stand that. I mean 9 out of 10 times they are lying. And even worse than that, they seem to have the need to tell you that instead of proving it. So I was kidding when I said we have a great blogger for you tonight. Cuz, in truth, ladies and gentlemen, its a fantastic blogger. And here we go...

So we had 4 kick ass shows this weekend at The Comedy Works. One thing I think its really hard to do in life is sit back and realize when you have done good work before its too late to realize that you did it in the first place. That sentence was grmatically horrendous, but I think you get the point. The thing is, that only like 6 weeks ago, me, Adam, Melissa, Bob, Warren, Mike Singer, Mike Tsirklin, Tarun and others were stuck at Gladys' doing all kinds of good comedy but with really no finacial or otherwise tangible return. Basically, I went crazy one night and Adam and I began the hunt to find a better place to do comedy. Joe Franklin's has just been a great match for what we wanted. Joe is an old timer in the industry and we are the young, hungry up-and-comers. That usually makes for two things - good comedy and disturbing porn.

Spring is in full effect now so I took a leisurely stroll through Central Park today. Lots of people walking dogs and/or pushing baby carraiges. The people who do both at the same time must have some real need to be cleaning up shit constantly.

I actually fell asleep tonight during a new episode of The Simpsons. I think thats the first sign that I'm getting old.

Speaking of getting old, time to go to bed. G'nite.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

Hi there, long time no read. So my new operation, Comedy Works at Joe Franklin's is going in full force these days. I started the room with Adam Hunter, my friend who ran most of the shows at Gladys' Comedy Room. Basically, we were being treated like shit over there - not just us, but all the comics - so Adam and I decided to do something about it. After a couple weeks of searching for a new room, we finally were able to work out a deal with Joe Franklin's and the rest is history. Opening night was about 2 weeks ago and everything has been great so far. The room looks great, the crowds have been excellent and the comics are all re-engergized and feeling good. We've really brought in some great comics including Bob Jergens, Warren Holstien, Melissa Rauch and Tarun Shetty. Now its just a race to see who can get discovered first. Or who goes crazy first, we'll see.

Lemme think what else is going on. Oh yea, I hit a game winning runner last night in my Urban Pro basketball game. Our team, "Full Court Depression" (Good name, right?) is now 2-2 and back in the playoff hunt. I think if Kobe and Shaq both get injured we just might have a chance to go all the way.

In other news, I got my laptop back from the good people at Gateway. I don't know why you would consider that news, but I just report this stuff, I don't make judgement calls.

I'm looking for an apartment now, which, if you have never done in NYC, is not fun at all. I thought we were in some kind of recession or depression or something like that yet you can't find a two bedroom for under 2200 bucks. I'm considering a studio on the moon if my credit check goes through.

I had another falling out with the people over at Subway today because I requested turkey instead of ham on the Italian BMT. There is a lot of tension when I go into that place. I think there is a picture of me in the back room. What's worng with these people? The guy told me that the meat is on inventory in the computer and that's what they can't do the switch. Wonderderful...Subway, eat fresh, just not what you want.

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

Been almost two week since the last blog, time sure flies when you haven't blogged. So I started a job today handing out flyers for AT&T at college campuses all over New Jersey. 700 bucks a week for a month, and I'm doing it with a bunch of comics, so that sounds pretty decent, we shall see. I did two shows last night, the usual hystericalness over at Gladys' and then I hit an open mic uptown. I've noticed a lot of comics trying to say something about the war, though most don't have anything interesting to say. Without getting too into it anymore, I'd say just don't watch CNN while stoned. There is something going on in Wolf Blitzer's beard. It's freaky, thats all I'm saying.

I dropped my laptop the other day and its not working so now I'm using my roomates computer. Without getting too into it the Gateway technical support people are all very pleasant but I don't think that anyone over there knows what the hell they are doing. However, since they are all so nice about it, you can't get angry at anyone. And that pisses me off. Dude, don't get a Gateway.

I'm starving, hmm, pizza or turkey sandwich? Oh, the choices.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

GWB gave the big 48 hours speech last night. I'm pretty much behind the president on this one, but I wish that when he spoke he could say a single word without reading it off the teleprompter. I know, thats not really anything original there, but its hard to get past the idea that the man who is running the show that the whole world is a part of, is really nothing more the a former coke head who gets knocked out by eating a pretzel too fast.

France is a real piece of shit country, isn't it? Today, they said that if Sadaam used chemical or biological weapons they would then help us out in the war. Isn't it a little too late for that? I say preemtive strike on France and then we'll figure the rest out.

I'm curious to see how the comedy world will be affected by the war. After September 11th, a decent amount of comics stopped, so maybe that will happen again this time. I think it will help the good comics on their search for truth, because the country will need a voice. Sometimes I think comics are really the last bastion of people who are able to really say anything. I'm not even sure what I want to say, and on top of that, I have to make it funny. This is a fine mess I've gotten myself into.

This 48 hour thing is kinda funny. I'm picturing Sadaam and his family packing for a vacation to Lake George. Then they are in the car and Sadaam's wife says to him, "Honey, I think I left the stove on, we have to run around."

Are you supposed to put the quotes first or the period first in the sentence before this?

I'll end with a random thought. Why is it that in The Jeffersons they needed a live in maid? I mean it was only George and Weasy living in that apartment. And he was a dry cleaner. Was Weazy binge eating at night and getting crumbs all over the place? Makes you wonder, that all I'm saying.

Thursday, March 13, 2003

Third blogger here we come. So, I play basketball in the Urban Professional League here in Manhattan. I'm not a professional by any definition of the word, but they still let me play which is nice. Last night, my team, which was 3-7 coming into the game, decided to play spoiler for the 6-4 team that we were playing. I had probably the best game I've ever played, aroiund 40 points, and we won by five. The only thing I love more than comedy is basketball, and when I was a kid I would tell people I was going to be a professional basketball player. In turn, they would laugh, and that is how I become a comedian. I mention this basketball thing cuz late in the game I had a breakaway layup and some dude inentionally closelined me. Now, I'm not much of a fighter (I don't want to mangle up my comedy hands), but when I got up I just decked the guy into the wall. Then, before I knew it, every player on the court was in on the melee (is that how you spell it?), and technicals were being thrown all over the place. I'd like to take this time to give mad propps to my teammate Dan, better known as DL, for the awesome camel clutch that he gave to the guy who clotheslined me, it would've made the Iron Sheik proud. Mad propps DL, mad propps.

I've got a show tonight at Gramercy Comedy Club where I'll be doing 20 minutes. Anyone know a good joke? I really don;t get how I see most comics go up night after night and do the same set. I literally have never done the same set twice, how freakin boring is that? I wrote freakin there instead of fuckin' because industry people don't like you to say fuck to much. Actually fuck them. I've never even met them. Come to think of it, I don't even know that the industry even exists. Either way, fuck em, fuck em, fuck em.

War should be kicking in any day now. I bought two rolls of duct tape today, one for the plastic sheets and one to tape up the mouths of whoever I'm stuck in the room with.

Sunday, March 02, 2003

Okay, this is my second posting here. Again, I'm not sure what I wanna write about but it's Sunday afternoon and it's raining outside and the Knicks are losing to the Timberwolves 46-21, so if you have a better idea, I'd like to hear it. I'm flipping the channels now and there just ain't much on TV. My mom just called to ask me how to save a file on a floppy disc. I tried to explain to her that nobody really uses discs anymore and that you can e-mail a document but she really wants to put some file on a disc. She said that she has to give the disc with the file on it to Eric. Who is Eric, and what is this file? I didn't ask either question because I've learned that the less that I ask, the less chance that I'll find out more pointless information.

I'm very broke these days. Now I know you are thinking, "But Dave, I've seen you perform at such wonderful comedy clubs as Gladys', how could you be broke?" Well, and I'm going out on a limb by saying this in public, but comics don't get paid well in NYC. We all bitch and moan about it to each other but then we keep telling you people how wonderful being a comic is. I see that happen all the time. So there you go, we're all broke, and we're all slightly annoyed about it. And by slightly, I mean extremely.

Time for something funny now. Hmm. Did you see that Mr. Rogers died the other day? So sad. That was the same day that they lowered the terror level down to yellow again. Coincidence? I think not. (Insert laughter here).

I'm starving, time for Subway. Struggling comic, remember?

Thursday, February 27, 2003

Hey, welcome to my first blog. That has some dirty feeling to it, doesn't it? Like, I blogged for hours last night, now I'm sore. I'm gonna try to blog at least once a day. Sometimes I'll probably blog more, it depends if I'm busy or not. Okay, I think I've taken that bit as far as it can go. So yea, this is The Daily Dave, where I'll check in and just write some thoughts about whatever pops into my head as I'm smacking away at the keyboard. For example, right now, I don't have any thoughts whatsoever, so thats what I'm writing. Wow, this could get pretty annoying. Alright, lemme think of something. Umm, okay, I'm watching the Fox News Channel right now. I think Shepard Smith is wearing a toupee. Is that how you spell toupee? Does blogger have a spell check? So many questions.

Looks like we're gonna do this Iraq thing. I've been trying to do some jokes about the war lately, but sometimes I think, even if this shit is funny, do people come to comedy clubs to hear people talk about war? Shouldn't I be talking about farting and falling down the stairs, thats why people go to comedy shows, isn't it?

Are Judith Light from "Who's the Boss?" and Joanna Kearns from "Growing Pains" really the same person?

I used to do a joke about how they had a character in "Growing Pains" named Boner. I don't think you could have a character on a sitcom named Boner anymore. How'd they come up with the name Boner, anyway? Like they had this big meeting at ABC and someone there said, "Let's give Kirk Cameron a about we name his Jeff? No, what about Tom? Wait, wait, I got it, BONER!" And the rest is sitcom history.

Maybe I should tell you something more substantial about my life. Not to say discussing the origin of Boner isn't important, cuz we all know it is, but I should offer up a little nugget about myself here. Well, I graduated college in May of 1998 and have been doing stand up ever since. The first years it was like once a month, and it has progressively gotten to be more and more, up to now when I work 6 nights a week. As most of you know, I haven't been on Comedy Central yet, but there is hope, I am almost complete with the construction of my robot which I will enter into the "Battlebots" competition. And then, my dreams will have all come true.

That's it for The Daily Dave number 1. Keep it real, would ya?