Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Sorry I didn't make it back for a full post yesterday, but with all the 3rd anniversary parties, I was pretty spent by the end of the day.

Got a bagel this morning, as I often do, over at H&H Bagels, which is a NYC institution. For years they have been known as the best bagel in the world, thought lately I have noticed a consistent downward spiral in their quality. The bagels have gotten smaller, less shaply, and more doughy. I don't know what's going on over there but I'm seriosuly considering becoming a regular at "Hot N' Crusty", despite the fact I find the name to be less than appetizing.

FYI, that picture is of the very H&H that I go to, as well as the New York Sports Club that I go to. Yes, I'm at the level of celebrity where I have to give my stalkers clues.

In technology news, Apple today announced some new Mac computers as well as a home stereo for the iPod. At the end of the press conference, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced that they all will be obsolete by summer 2006.

Anna Nicole Smith is testifying in front of the Supreme Court today in the first case of whether a person can be put to death for being completely useless. Paris Hilton is anxiously awaiting the verdict.

I'm watching "Napoleon Dynamite" right now. I did miss the first 15 minutes, where clearly something happens, because I have absolutely no idea what's going on here. Is this guy retarded? Just slow? What's the deal?

Alright, I'm gonna get going, inspiration isn't totally back yet, but I feel something bubbling.

Maybe I should have that checked out...

Monday, February 27, 2006

As you can see, The Daily Dave 3rd Anniversary Block Party got a little out of hand.

Yup, it was three years ago today that I began this adventure known as blogging, or journaling, or writing, or babbling, or whatever this is. I just took a look at some of the archives and we really have come a long way. Spelling errors alone are now down 80 percent. More importantly though, word seems to be spreading about this, so for that I thank you.

I'll have a regular post later in the day, but for now I'd love to see some congratulatory comments for making it this far. And if that's too much to ask, there always is that little PayPal button to the left, all you have to do is click it...

Friday, February 24, 2006


So last night I decided to take a walk to clear my mind. You might find that a bit odd, since it seems like not much has been in my mind over the past few days, but I did it nonetheless. I took a long stroll which led me to a part of Central Park that I had never been to before. It was a dark, wooded area, with only one small light in the distance. Feeling the need to explore, I walked towards the light.

As I got closer, I noticed that the light led to a small, concrete, winding staircase. I pushed some shrubs aside to get down there stairs, and down I went. When I got to the bottom of the stairs there was a wooden door with a metal lock. As I went to open the door I was wacked in the head with something, and that is exactly the last thing I remember.

I awoke slumped over a bench at the entrance of the park on 81st Street. Confused, I quickly checked for my wallet and keys, both of which were in my pocket, untouched. I then looked for my camera, which was in my other pocket. I turked on the camera only to find that there were no pictures in the memory except for the one that I've posted above. I also found a small note in my pocket that said, "You know too much. Keep it quiet."

I don't know what happened last night, but obviously whoever did this to me knows that Monday is the third anniversary of The Daily Dave, and that I plan this year to be it's best ever.

The powers that be are getting nervous. Institutions are shaking. Executives are loosening their collars. But fear not, it'll take a little more than a medieval torture chamber to stop me...

Thursday, February 23, 2006

I'm not quite sure what's going on here, but I'm not feeling any particular inspiration for the last day or two. As I mentioned, I have switched over to water as my full-time drink, so I might be over-hydrated, but I'm not convinced that's it.

This does happen sometimes to writers/comics/actors/lawyers/robots/monkeys and whatever it is that you are. I've found not to fight these moments, but to just sit in them and see what comes from them is usually the best way to handle them. Usually, what comes from them is something very good.

I do think that this partly has to do with the fact that the news has become amazingly repetitious lately. Muslims burn this, someone bombs that, there's a riot here and a torching there. It's just getting boring, isn't it? On top of that, I went to see "Date Movie", which I wrote about, and I think that is sucked some of the creative juices out of me. Damn that big Hollywood sucking machine.

Ironically, I've got a couple potentially good things just on the horizon, which come to think of it, might also have to do with the nothingness right this second. Does anyone remember how Atreyu and Bastian defeated The Nothing?

It was by using their imagination. And with that, tommorrow I promise for a highly imaginative and interesting post.

Carrot Top (is it two words?) is on The View right now. I've never felt more worthless in my entire life.

And yes, Congress will be calling him in for Steroid abuse very soon.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Don't have much in the creative well today. I've been drinking a lot of water lately, maybe that has something to do with it. I'm probably diluted...

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


First off, let me apologize for the late post today. You pay good money for this, umm, uhh, I mean for your internet access, and the least I can do is post while you are at work. I'm normally able to do that, but today I was sidetracked with some computer problems. It seems that my printer won't print, so I spent most of the day on the phone with "Mike" and "Angela" from HP technical support.

I use quotes around their names because they both had very heavy indian accents which leads me to believe that HP outsources their technical support people. I don't have a problem with that, all is fair in capitalism, but why do they then feel the need to then change their name? It's not like if they had said their names were Sanjay and Manjip I would've hungup the phone. I needed their expertise, regardless of their name. Be proud of who you are, thats my point.

That being said, I have to admit that Dave Rubin isn't my real name. It's Apu Shamalyan.

God, I feel so free.

After four hours on the phone with my Indian friends, we were unable to solve the problem. So, for you tech people out there, I have a HP Pavillion notebook with a HP 1210 printer, and for some reason the printer isn't being recognized when I plug it in the USB port. I already re-installed the software for the printer, but Device Manager refuses to show that I have a printer.

If you can solve this USB mystery, you will get some sort of prize. I'm not sure what, but something, I promise.

Ironic that I'm having a problem with my USB port the day after making a parallel port joke, isn't it?

I bet the United Arab Emirates has something to do with this port problem, too.

Speaking of this port sale fiasco, it seems to me that Bush is absolutely, positively trying to piss off every last person in the country. Today, he said we shouldn't hold Arab countries to a different standard than other countries, such as England, that own ports here. This coming from a man who can't say two consecutive sentences without the phase, "September the 11th" in one of them. I'm thinking that it was GWB that Dick Cheney shot and the other dude was just used to cover-up Bush's brain damage.

If you can help me prove that theory, you will get some sort of prize. I'm not sure what, but something, I promise.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Awful. Absolutely awful.

Don't ask me why I saw it, or why I would see anything called "Date Movie" with my brother, but I did actually see it. It was a painfullly poor attempt at a funny movie, and it basically was just a parody of whatever it was trying to be.

That's the last time I go on a date with my brother, I promise you that.

Besides that, the three day weekend was rather uneventful. My supply of Vicodin ran out today, and tommorrow I get the stitches from my oral surgery out, which is obviously a little bitter-sweet. Yea, I requested bitter-sweet flavored stitches, they were all out of mint flavored.

The NBA All-Star game was pretty solid, with my personal highlight being Clyde Drexler back in action during the "Shooting Stars Competition." If Tracey McGrady could hit an open jumper they would've won. Damn you, McGrady. What kind of girly name is Tracey, anyway?

In American news, it looks like we're going to sell some major ports to a company run by the United Arab Emirates. Everyone is making a big deal about it, as if giving control of our ports to an Arab country is a problem, but frankly I think the Arabs have earned our respect and trust.

Umm, I'm gonna have to retract that sentence. I turned on CNN while writing that, and some Arabs just burned down a Chuck E. Cheese's in Pakistan. Hell will freeze over before I have people like that in charge of my ports.

Unless it's my parallel port, I have like three extra's that I don't ever use.

(That's so gonna be stolen by a late-night show, just you wait and see.)

Friday, February 17, 2006


Due to size issues, I had to take down that Transformer video from yesterday. It's the first time in my life I've ever had size issues, I swear. Please enjoy this picture of the Decepticons as compensation.

(FYI, this is the very picture I use as my wallpaper on my laptop. I truly am the definition of cool.)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Alright, I'm back from my lunch meeting and then a run in Central Park. As the picture above would indicate I had waffles for lunch. I know that's a little crazy, to eat a breakfast food for lunch, but I'm a pretty crazy guy. One time I even had scrambled eggs for dinner. Yea, that sounds nuts, but it was because I had eaten a filet mignon for breakfast and I needed to balance the whole thing out. I'd tell you what I had for lunch that day but it'd probably blow your mind.

The Joey Reynolds Show was a lot of fun last night, and I was the only guest for a full hour. I have a CD with the audio, and if I can do a little MP3 converting, it might even get posted here. If not, you are welcome to come to my place anytime and listen.

Bush says that he's "okay" with Cheney's story on the shooting. When probed further he said, "Well, he's the boss and I don't want to get fired."

That will be my only and last Cheney joke. By the way did anyone happen to torture themselves through the Leno monologue over the last two night's? I'm wondering if I was right on the over/under of seven hack jokes.

Okay, this has been brief but I owe the good people over at www.gadgetell.com another article. If I finish it today I'll even post a link to here here like I usually do. Yea, just giving a little something back to you folks. No thanks necessary.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


I'll be on the Joey Reynolds Radio Show tonight on WOR 710 AM in NY. It's a nationally syndicated show, so you can find it wherever you are as long as you are somewhere in this great nation. If you aren't in this nation, or would like to listen while checking out porn, try this link...


I'll be on from about 2 a.m. till the end of the show. That's almost prime-time, plus or minus seven hours.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


I guess the Dollar Menu isn't quite as extensive in Pakistan as it is here in America.

You'll be happy to know that I survived the oral surgery and I'm writing this while all hopped-up on pain medication. If there's a better way to write, I sure haven't seen it.

I'm not supposed to eat solid foods for the next day or two which has led to a lot of soup, ice-cream and pudding. This morning, I was enjoying a nice bowl of chocolate pudding which led me to popping in my "Bill Cosby: Himself" DVD. It really is a brilliant stand-up routine that still has it's legs twenty years after it was first taped. I've seen Bill live twice, spoken to him once, and has always been a huge influence in my comedy career.

So, I'd like to take this time to thank Bill for helping out a guy with a throbbing upper-lip who is suddenly having a craving for chocolate cake.

Dad is great, bakes us chocolate cake. I hope I can write something that catchy one day.

Hmm, I'm not sure what else to write about at the moment. I'm sort of just stuck here, chilling out, watching some TV, trying to figure out the meaning of life. I guess it's like every other day in that regard.

Okay, lemme get some air and come back with something edgy, brilliant and pudding-like...

Monday, February 13, 2006


Just pulled an old man out of the snow and then helped push a car through the slush. Who says New Yorkers aren't nice people?

I'm leaving shortly to go have some oral surgery. Don't worry, it's nothing major, and unfortunately, not nearly as sexy as it sounds. From what the doctor says, I'll be half the man I used to be for about a day or two. Half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be...

Who sang that? I'm thinking Nirvana.

Oh, my movie day yesterday also included most of "The Never Ending Story", which as I've mentioned here before is one of the few movies I can always watch and love everytime, as well as part of "Spiderman 2" and "Airplane." I know what you're thinking, "Dave, that's a lot of movie for one day, surely you can't be serious."

I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

It looses something when spelled out, doesn't it?

In clerical Daily Dave news, every day last week we hit a new all-time high in the amount of people that came here. From what I understand though, that's not nearly the amount of people who came at www.horsevagina.com.

Hey, cut me some slack, it's been a least a month without a horse vagina reference. That's a personal record for me.

I'd mention something about the Olympics here, but I'm not watching them, and either are you.

Oh yea, how'd I go this far without mentioning that Dick Cheney shot his hunting buddy? I'm not gonna bother writing a joke about it, instead I'm gonna say that Leno will make 7 hack jokes about it tonight. Anyone wanna take the over/under on that?

Okay, I gotta get ready for my hot, sweaty, oral...surgery. If anything happens to me, someone please feed my fish...

Sunday, February 12, 2006


Seeing as NYC is under a ton of snow, it looks like this is gonna be an all-movie weekend. Watched "Saved!" last night, which was suprisingly good, and then woke up to "Air Force One" this morning. Now it's looking like "Daffy Duck's Quackbusters", "The Color Purple", or "Welcome to Mooseport."

I know, I know, they're all sort of the same, so it really doesn't matter which one I choose.

Oh yea, while "Air Force One" is a great flick, Harrison Ford saying "Get off my plane!", is one of the worst lines in movie history. Cleary, it was originally written for an Arnold movie.

More snowy fun to come...

Friday, February 10, 2006


They only come in black, but I think it's quite a bargain at only $18.99.

Defend free speech and get yours at www.shopmetrospy.com. (The site might be a little slow, they're getting more traffic than at the free hummus stand at a Hamas Rally.)

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Went to Duane Reade this morning (Eckerd's for my Southern readers), only to end up waiting on line for about 15 minutes because the woman in front of me was trying to return Krazy Glue. Yea, you read that right, she was trying to return Krazy Glue. Not only was she trying to do that, which is ridiculous enough, but she also didn't have the receipt for the Krazy Glue, which led to all kinds of people having to be called over the PA system and nearly caused a riot of angry customers.

Fortunately, she had the receipt for her Danish magazine with the Mohammed cartoon in it, so that stopped the rest of us from burning the store to the ground.

Yea, I'm still fanning the flames.

Anyway, why in the world would someone return Krazy Glue? Is it at all possible to buy it and then find out that it doesn't work? Has Krazy Glue every not worked? Could you buy Krazy Glue and then realize you've purchased the wrong thing? For the three bucks it costs could you just not return it? And then, to top it off, you try to return it without the receipt? This woman clearly needed her brain krazy glued into her head.

While on line during this fiasco, I was in front of an older woman who had two packages of adult diapers. I couldn't help but think that she was about to have an accident and that I was gonna be standing in it if the Krazy Glue woman didn't move quick enough. Fortunately, she either held it in, or she was wearing her very last diaper.

Steering away from adult incontinence, my hoops team beat a bunch of bankers 79-75, last night. I scored only 8 points but hit two big free throws with about a minute to go. I'll spare you the rest of the details, but let me just say that bankers are the biggest bunch of whiny, arrogant, blowhards that you can ever play a sport with.

Should I have hyphenated the word blowhards? I'm not sure, but let's just go ahead and replace it with ass-monkeys.

Good work. You get a check-plus. A hyphenated check-plus.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


Check out the second of my weekly postings over at Gadgetell. The direct link is http://www.gadgetell.com/entry/723

You didn't think I was just slacking off today, did you?
This is the picture CNN.com has on their frontpage right now with the headline, "Bush urges end to cartoon violence." I'm pretty sure he was talking about all the Muslims burning down Europe, but either way, this can't bode well for Itchy and Scratchy.

I'll be back in a bit. I don't want to brag, but I have a meeting in MIDTOWN...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


I couldn't get the video to load here, but if you click on the Video Page in the left column you can watch the 10 minute trailer of "Truly Great People", one of the many shows I have created with Andrew Tavani. We even pitched this one to HBO, though I haven't heard from them since. Hmmmmmm....

Monday, February 06, 2006


I spent most of today looking for a job.

And now what you've all been waiting for, The Daily Dave Superbowl Roundup...

The game itself was nothing special, and had it not been for the one reverse play that the Steelers pulled off, it might've qualified as the most boring Superbowl ever. I do give Matt Hasselbeck credit though, for being so bald and still getting out there and trying each and every day.

As for the commercials, the FedEx one with the caveman was by far the best. I think we all had that little moment of feeling bad for the little dinosaur that he kicked, only to have our carnal desires quenched when he got stepped on by some other huge dinosaur. While I think that the large dinosaur's foot was disproportionately large, I'll let that go because of an otherwise good commercial.

Beyond that, the two commercials for Ameriquest were pretty solid. I don't really know what Ameriquest does, nor have any desire to find out, but they are doing fine in the commercial department.

P Diddy did a Diet Coke commercial, thus proving that he never is not in on any major event one way or another. I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone other than his entourage when I say, "P, go away for awhile, somewhere far, we'll call you." (Note my correct use of the double-negative in the first sentence there.)

Otherwise, the commercial pack was pretty weak, though it was great to see Kermit the Frog back in action. I just wonder what Jim Henson would think of Kermit's corporate shilling if he were alive today.

Oh yea, I am sort of curious to try the new Gillette Fusion, with five blades, but where do we stop with the blades? Seven? Nine? Ninteen? It's a slippery slope, that's all I'm saying.

The food was pizza and chips, and that worked out quite well. I topped it all off with two chocolate chips cookies.

As for halftime, well, you've got to give The Rolling Stones credit for being alive. I'm pretty sure they are using that youth syrum that Homer was injecting Mr. Burns with during an episode of The Simpson a couple seasons back, though. They all look like they need a little break and maybe a stop into an all-you-can-eat buffett somewhere in Ohio. I could make the reverse joke about Aretha Franklin here, but I shall not.

Mick Jagger seems to dance as if he's a mental patient who just escaped and thinks that by dancing that way that a space ship will come and rescue him. And, not that there's anything wrong with it, but is he gay, or am I very confused?

So that's it for my Superbowl Roundup. Unlike every other one, it was brief and to the point. I do apologize for the lack of pacing of this post, but I wrote all this down on a dirty napkin that I then accidentely threw out after the game. My whole piece on John Madden's eyebrows is covered under salsa...

Sunday, February 05, 2006


FedEx had by far the best commercial of the Superbowl in what was otherwise a rather unimpressive showing. I'll have a full rundown of my thoughts on the commercials and the various types of chips I ate tommorrow.

I'd write more now but I have to FedEx Mick Jagger a sandwich. He's starving away right in front of our eyes...

Friday, February 03, 2006


This is the image of Mohammed, as printed in a Danish newspaper, that is now causing Muslims all over the world to riot and burn stuff. CNN.com is refusing to show this picture on their website "out of respect for Islam."

Sounds like more like they don't want their burea in Gaza burned to the ground.

Right, like journalists suddenly have respect for anyone. And anyway, it's a flattering picture, I think. I'm wondering where he got that lovely bomb hat.

It's pretty sad when the biggest news organization in the world is afraid to print a picture because of some extremists thousands of miles away. Don't worry folks, I'll continue to post pictures that inflame the Arab Street as long as you keep supporting my right to do it.

Uh oh, I just got a call that some extremists are surrounding The Daily Dave Bureau in Gaza. Gotta go...

Thursday, February 02, 2006


First off, I'm not dead. It's nice to know that only two days of not posting can cause such a stir in the blogosphere, but contrary to the rumors I am, in fact, still alive. I would like to thank The Grim Reaper, Stiffy McBonerson, Cinders and Lyndon for their concern.

So the pic above, as I'm sure you are aware, is Jodie Sweetin, better known as Stephanie Tanner on "Full House." According to someone who e-mailed me something, it turns out that Stephanie was a Crystal Meth addict for a couple years after the show went off the air. For some reason that made me happy when I heard about it. What's that about?

Iran is now threatening full-scale enrichment work, thus furthering their nuclear ambitions. I'm no psycologist but maybe if Iranian parents hugged their children more they wouldn't be so obsessed with destroying the world.

I can't rememember if I mentioned this, but I recently got rid of my fish tank and replaced it with a fish bowl. Fritz, my one remaining fish, is now enjoying life in a smaller, but more upscale, clean, safe neighborhood. It's like when the Jefferson's moved on up from that dump next door to the Bunkers'.

Frankly, I think they should've moved to the West Side instead of the East Side, but you live and learn.

Dave Chappelle will be on Oprah tomorrow explaining why he left TV. I'll be on Oprah sometime later this month explaining why I'm not on TV.

Okay, I have to return a couple calls confirming my non-death. I promise a healthy, lively and enjoyable post tommorrow.