Saturday, July 30, 2005

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Posting on a Saturday? Dave, are you okay?

Ohh, I'm more than okay folks, I'm on the road!

The road is a place where comedians go when they want to make some money. I wish it was more lofty than that, but that's really all it is. It constitutes any place that is in the middle of nowhere, and that you wouldn't visit unless you were running from the law. It's a place of snack machines, dirty hotel rooms and getting lost on roads with no signs. It's a place where one wrong turn could lead you into the plot of any 80's horror flick.

Despite all that, I do enjoy hitting the road every so often, just to remind myself that life exists outside of New York City. I did one show last night which was sold out, about 200 people, and went pretty well. There are two more shows tonight and I'd expect them to go even better now that I've felt up the good people of Utica.

Yea, I felt them up, it's really the only good way to gauge a crowd.

Right now I'm writing this from my motel room, which has internet access, thank the good lord. It looks like a nice day out, and I can see what looks like a pool or a pond or a ditch from my window, so I think I'll go sit out there in a bit.

This morning, as I sat alone eating my eggs and having my coffee, there was a table of four people in the restaurant who kept looking at me. Finally, after about 10 minutes of weirdness, a woman in her mid-40's came up to me and said, "We were at the show last night and you were just great. We really loved you." I said, "Thanks, you guys were a lot of fun", and then continued to eat my eggs and drink my coffee. They continued to stare at me non-stop for the next 20 minutes. As the awkwardness grew I decided to pretend to make several cell phone calls so that I'd look like I was doing something important.

I can only imagine that while I did this they were thinking, "Look at the comedian, he's on the phone! He must be calling Seinfeld or his big hollywood agent!"

And that's what the road is all about: Sitting at a table alone pretending to be important while other people stare at you and wonder when you'll notice that you don't even get cell phone service in this part of town.

Now you'll have to excuse me, I'm going to lay out by the ditch.

Friday, July 29, 2005

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Thousands of middle-aged women, and a few very secure men are all very excited this week because Lifetime is bringing back "The Golden Palace" for a limited run. The show was a spin-off of the Golden Girls, about Blanche, Rose and Sophia running a Miami Hotel. Despite this ingenious plot, the show lasted only one season.

From what I remember about the show it just never had the quick wit and banter that the made the original so good. Many would argue that is was because Dorothy was gone, now married to Lucas, played by one of my all-time favorite comic actors, Leslie Nielson. I was always hoping that they would bring Dorothy back for just one episode, perhaps because Frank Drebin had a case to crack in Miami, but as far as I know it never happened.

The Golden Girls, along with The Cosby Show, Sienfeld and The Simpsons, are the big four influences in my sitcom world. Unfortunately, right now TV mostly consists of shows like, "Who Wants to Do It With My Grandma?", "Let's Trade Losers" and "Dancing With A Midget". Everything goes in phases though, and I think some good shows might be on the horizon. I don't have any proof, or even remote reason to believe that, but I'm a crazy dreamer.

I'm hitting the road this weekend all the way up to Utica, NY, where I'll be at Fat Katz Comedy Club. The road can be a scary, lonely, depressing place. In other words, a great place for comedy.

Today's Maury Povich: "Dont Leave Me...I Slept With Your Sister!"

He must be proud.

Okay, I've gotta pack for the weekend. Shirt, check, shoes, check, rubber-chicken, check.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

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My apologies to CNN's KYRA PHILLIPS, who I have written about several times here, but spelled her name wrong each time. The correct spelling is KYRA PHILLIPS, and now that I've yelled it at you twice you won't forget it either.

Larry Brown is going to be announced as the new head coach of the Knicks later this afternoon. The current roster of the Knicks is so poorly constructed that I'm honestly not sure I would take the job for the 10 million per year that Larry is getting. Of course, I make 12 million per year as a comedian and blogger, so it would be a foolish move regardless.

Have you heard about this blind 16 year old kid in Nebraska who is a video game wiz? Apparently, he kicks ass at several games, with Mortal Kombat being on the top of the list. While his feat is impressive, I don't think it comes anywhere close to me being able to play any sports game on Sega Genesis while having the wire from the controller wrapped around my neck as my brother tried to choke me just because I was winning. You try running back a 82 yard kick-off in Madden '93 while slipping in-and-out of consciousness.

As long as we're on video games, Wal-Mart, Circuit City, Target and Best Buy, have all pulled Grand Theft Auto:San Andreas, because of percieved adult content. At the same time an 82 year old grandmother from New York is suing Rock Star Games for the "offensive" content in the game. Stuff like this really makes me want to get my sawed-off shotgun and go on a killing spree. Luckily, I can instead do it in games such as GTA:San Andreas. Oh wait, now I can't because I don't have the game and I don't know where else to buy it. Well, I don't see any way around it then, I'll have to go on a real killing spree.

I hope you're happy Sam Walmart.

Is that even a real person? It just sounds right.

As long as I'm going on a killing spree, I will also kill the people who are releasing Duece Bigalo: European Gigalo. Unnecessary doesn't begin to describe it.

The View is doing a segment today called, "Is the Internet Killing Your Kid?" I'm not sure about that, but the reverse would be so much worse. Imagine if your kid was killing the internet. There are so many kids out there, but there's only one internet. We need the internet. Kids can be replaced so easily. You can just get a dog, or a cat or a robot. All of which can be purchased on the internet.

Freaky, I know.

OJ Simpson was ordered to pay $25,000 dollars in damages for DirecTV for stealing it's service. He also killed his ex-wife and her boyfriend.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

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Okay folks, back in business after my day off yesterday. I promise this to be a refreshing, enlightening and uplifting entry...about horse penis.

I watched a new show on the Discovery Channel last night called, "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe". The show follows Mike as he goes from various jobs that nobody would want to other jobs that nobody would want. In just this one episode, he plucked golf balls from alligator infested waters, he was a garbage man and he jacked off a horse.

Yes, that's right. People are doing this. For a living.

Apparently, getting horses to mate old-school style, is very 1980's, so horse breeders basically jack off horses, get an egg from another horse, and then plant the embryo in a third, very lucky horse.

The woman in charge of the breeding took out a giant tube known as "the artificial vagina". She called it "the artificial vagina" about 10 times, as if we were going to think it was real unless she kept saying "artificial". Then they had the horse begin to mount something that looked like a balance beam that would be used in gymnastics. Somehow, they would then get the horse to stick it's dick in the "artificial vagina" while it thought it was banging the balance beam. After a surprisingly few amount of pumps, the "artificial vagina" was "artificially inseminated".

I bring all this up because while they showed all of this on TV, they chose to block out the horses penis throughout this whole process. So, while you got the general gist of what was going on, you still had to use your imagination some. I wouldn't have minded this - I do have quite the imagination - but shorlty after this they took the show to a whole other level.

They showed Mike as used his knuckle's to clean out the female horse's vagina. Not only that but the cleaner he used was in a old-squeeze ketchup bottle and it looked like chocolate sauce. Somehow the people at Standards and Practices had no problem not blocking this out. So that meant that someone said, "Look, we can show a horse vagina getting rubbed down in chocolate sauce, but simply cannot show a horse humping the uneven bars! Not on my watch!"

I should also mention that earlier in the show they had also blocked it out when Mike vomited while grinding up fish on a boat, but then they had no problem showing a giant bag of horse jizz after he wacked it off. Who is in charge of what gets blocked and what doesn't? Horse vagina is good, horse penis is not. Human vomit evil, horse jizz wonderful.

The show was thoroughly enjoyable, and kudos to Mike Rowe for not cracking up every time the very serious woman kept saying "artificial vagina". FYI, a bag of horse semen is worth $25,000 bucks on the black market. Hmm, that gives me an idea.

As I was watching the show I said to my roomate that I was going to post this on the Daily Dave but that I'd really like to have a picture of a horse penis to start it off with. Long story short, don't go to www.horsecock.com. Just thank me for putting up a picture of a horses other head.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

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Gonna be gone all day today doing various things. It'd be great to come back to some comments like, "Good work, Dave", or "Thanks for writing, Dave", or "Go screw yourself, Dave".

I've noticed I'm getting a bunch of hits lately from two different book publishers and two different PR companies. Hmm, what could a guy like me do with a book publisher or a public relations firm?

I'll be back tommorrow, or even later tonight. If you're nice, that is.

Monday, July 25, 2005

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Ahhh, Monday morning. Truly, is there anything more exciting?

I'm not having any particular inspiration on this Monday morning, but keeping with my every weekeday posting lately, here I am. So lets see, well, the weekend at Comedy Company was interesting if nothing else. The air conditioning still isn't working so basically I go on stage and talk about sweat for 25 minutes. There is such a wealth of hilarity in talking about glandular issues, lemme tell ya.

The late show on Saturday was the best. Every so often I find myself up there consciously having a breathrough of some kind, and the late show was one of those moments. I can't really explain the nature of the breathrough, I'd need to use a 3-D pie chart, and I don't think you can put one of those in a blog. Or maybe you can, but I haven't had that kind of blogging breakthrough yet.

Played softball yesterday with a bunch of people that I sort-of knew in college. I had a couple hits but my glove at third base was less than stellar. Long story short, don't go out drinking till five in the morning if you are playing in a competetitive sport early the next day. At one point I actually sweat out an entire gin and tonic, which I then drank and sweat out again.

Bill Maher's new HBO special comes out this Saturday. Not sure when mine is coming out, I keep forgetting to call HBO and ask.

Watched the movie "Contact" a few days ago. Really great flick about religion v. science. Rumor has it religion v. science will also be duking it out in Wrestlemania 21 at the end of the month.

Dave, you put the "Contact" picture up above and then didn't mention the movie until just now. Are you crazy?

Crazy like a fox!

Suicide bombings this month in London, Israel, Egypt and Iraq. How many of those 72 virgins can even open up their legs anymore?

Still trying to figure out how to make some money off the Daily Dave. I don't know why I have ethical issues with actually making money off my work. If I could only pay rent and eat my ethics I'd be in good shape.

If I could eat ethics I think I'd lightly bread them and then sautee them. And then serve them over a bed of brown rice. Delicious.

Okay, time for breakfast. Eggs, scrambled, over a bed of brown rice. Delicious.

Friday, July 22, 2005

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Enjoy these disconnected, random, one sentence stories. It's the future of storytelling.

There was no proof that gummy berry juice was laced with crack, but that didn't stop Nancy Reagan from trying to kill all the Gummy Bears.

Midget-tossing had been outlawed a long time ago in this small town in Alabama, but it didn't stop hardcore tossers from moving to Mobile, Alabama, where midgets were tossed openly and freely.

He was the 7th consecutive father in Family Double Dare to kill himself immediately after the taping.

The original title for "227" was "129" but Marla Gibbs held out until her radical demands were met.

A recent Quinnipiac survey showed that 18 percent of weathermen were molested during a twister.

She worried that now that they could search his bag on the subway that the authorities would soon find out about her unhealthy fondness of quadruple-stuff Oreo's.

Yes, it was impressive that he could cycle with one testicle, but the truth was that his third nipple more than made up for it.

Sex-parties were mostly for the rich, but every few months homeless people were known to hold copycat parties after saving up for the tuxedos and masks.

Matt Lauer secretly snuck into Tom Cruise's bedroom everynight and fed him a Prozac-Zoloft cocktail.

One day the internet would become self-aware and only show porn involving 5 and 1/4 inch floppy disks being jammed into 3 and 1/2 inch floppy drives.

********

I welcome you all to write your own one-sentence stories in the comments section. Whoever writes the best one will recieve nothing except the adjulation of web-surfing strangers. I, for one, would argue that there is no greater adjulation than that.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

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"It's 99.9 percent I'm not going to pitch no more."

That quote is from Washington Nationals pitcher Livan Hernandez who wants us to think he is never going to pitch again, but if you notice the double-negative in that statement he really said, "There is a 0.1 percent chance I'm not going to pitch again."

He then said, about his aching knee, "It's not the doctors. It's me. I'm the doctor. I don't need it, but I'm going to have an operation."

Hmm, I think when you suddenly think you are a doctor and you are going to give yourself an unnecessary surgery, that's when Doctor Phil should step in.

I don't want to make fun of Livan though, he only makes 7 million dollars a year to play baseball for a living, so I'm sure he has an axe to grind.

That reminds me I'm 99.9 percent sure that I'm not going to not be not eating lunch this afternoon.

Or am I not?

Caught a few minutes of Tucker Carlson's new MSNBC show last night. I've discussed what a bow-tie wearing dork he is before, but now let me also throw in that even without the bow-tie he is still a big dork.

Carson Daly is moving his show to LA at the end of this week. That doesn't affect my placement on the Official Talented People of New York List because Carson was never on there in the first place.

BOO YAA!!

According to Yahoo's Buzz Log, whatever the hell that is, The Transformers are up 126% this week. Holy Energon Cubes!

The Transformer movie is coming out in 2007. That gives me almost 2 years to polish up my "Starscream is gay" bit.

Little Known Fact: The guy who did Starscream's voice also did Cobra Commander's voice.

Another Little Known Fact: I'm wearing only socks right now.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

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If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

As of yesterday, the Daily Dave now has Google Ads subtely placed in the right column. I struggled with the idea of doing this because it seems to commercialize the whole thing, but ultimately I decided to give it a go. Clearly, I don't do anything in this life with money as the goal, and getting a couple bucks a day from people clicking around on these ads isn't gonna affect my intergrity in any way. However, it might allow my to buy large Jamba Juice sometime, and I've always wondered what drinking a large would be like.

So, if you like what I'm doing here, please click around those ads every now and then to help a poor boy from the wrong side of the tracks in Long Island put a little coin in his pocket.

(If the Google people are reading this, I was never trying to beat you, but that just seemed like the right way to start this entry. I now pledge my eternal allegiance to you much like Darth Vader pledged it to the Emperor after he knocked Mace Windu out of the window. If you'd like me to slaughter the Younglings now just let me know.)

In other news, Bush selected a middle-aged white guy for the Surpreme Court. Most people seemed to think he would go with a female or a minority, but Bush once again surprised everyone with his choice. When questioned about the choice Bush said, "Look, I could've selected a woman or a minority, but that would've made it that much harder to overturn Roe v. Wade next month."

Super-speed broadband will give people internet access up to 100 times faster than standard cable modems as early as 2006. In response the porn industry is now asking all actors to start fucking a little slower than they normally would.

Sorry for "fucking" in that sentence but I didn't see a way around it. "Banging", "doing it", and "screwing", all left a little something to be desired.

Dancing with the Stars has been renewed!!! There is a God!!!

The Nets are close to getting Shareef Abdur-Rahim from the Trailblazers. There was almost a screwup in the paperwork which would've left them with Shareef Abdur-Wahad who is the Beirut bureau chief for al-Jazeera. Good thing Rod Thorn re-reads all his stuff.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

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Here's the Snapple bottle picture for the posting below. I know how important a visual aid is to these things...
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(Pretend there is a picture of Snapple iced tea here, I can't get it to load at the moment.)

I love iced tea. I'll drink it anytime, anywhere, with anyone. I like it both sweetened and unsweetened. Sometimes it's all I'll drink for days on end. That being said, there was an incident yesterday, and I have to bring it up...

We currently have no air conditioning at the Comedy Company. The last few days have been dreadfully hot and equally as humid. This combination is not good for anything, much less comedy. I've sweat so much on stage over the past few days that I now have a 6-pack coming in, though I'm not sure this is the best way to get it.

Anyway, after a particularly hot and sweaty show last night, I was walking home and decided to stop in the local store and pick up a lemon iced tea Snapple. For years Snapple has been my iced tea of choice and I briefly had an affair with Wendy Kaufman, the Snapply lady, several years ago.

With sweaty pouring down my head I purchased the Snapple and briefly put it agisnt my forehead to cool off before drinking the heavenly beverage. Next, I opened the bottle, ignored the Snapple "Real Fact" underneath the cap and took my first gulp of tea.

Something was not right with my tea. It didn't taste like Snapple, or anything remotely close to Snapple. I was shocked and appauled, but I drank it anyway. It was a curious taste, not good nor bad, but one I cannot truly describe in words.

What happened at the Snapple plant? Was this the work of al-Queda? Who would taint that delicious recipe? Was Wendy Kaufman peeing in the tea? These questions and more began to run through my mind.

I doubt that I will ever know the answer to these questions, but for now on, when I drink a Snapple, I'll always wonder what happened to this specific bottle. I doubt I'll ever find out the truth, but the question alone has changed me forever.

In a strange way I have to thank Snapple. Whatever was put in that magical bottle, it has opened doors for me that I didn't even knew exist. My eyes are now open, and they can never be shut.

Today I toast to Snapple! Hazaa! Hazaa!

(Serisouly though folks, don't drink that shit, there's something wrong with the current batch. Something really, really wrong.)

Monday, July 18, 2005

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After my posting about The Andy Milonakis Show yesterday, I found myself doing some real soul-searching as to why it is I am trying so hard to become part of a medium that seems like it dying a slow, painful death. Instead of fester in this unanswerable question, I decided to list a bunch of things on TV that I do like at the moment, so here they are, in no particular order...

Family Guy - It's back and as good as ever. Who knew Optimus Prime was Jewish?

Garden State - Watched it last night. Great story, soundtrack and acting.

Nancy Grace - She hates most highly paid defense lawyers. Enough said.

Around the Horn - Makes talking about overpaid athletes actually interesting.

Joy Behar - Doesn't take shit from Star Jones.

Six Feet Under - Life, death, and all the pot-smoking one family can do.

Robot Chicken - I had this idea about 10 years ago, but Seth Green did it first. Good job.

Kira Phillips - That smile makes suicide bombings look sorta cute.

David Blaine - Have you seen his special on TLC? The man can levitate, now that's a skill.

In non-television related things, I have also recently enjoyed Al Lieter's comeback with the Yankees, the new pillow I bought at Bed, Bath and Beyond, and the Eliptical Machine at the gym.

Alright, gotta go write. And by write I mean sit at Starbucks and stare at a blank page while angry customers wait for me to leave my table.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

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Arhg sindf dfdsfs dnar jnvmcxnb fin fnmcxnb iorhjsodin vdifjg sndfmb s/dfASET dvASDFG THWEQW fdsg eryd bcdb, lfghkorm mbdk fhktnhtinsd,mb 124efmls4 05 gm rt em,cmv rdmgs;w[r w#%%W$ Gslermt oemgflgmsr oekj ergow 4590 girnm gs'en geklnrgakd nfraem4 tw4wa,em gtw34ki ut9o23 nkfne/woer

If any of that made sense to you then I highly recommend The Andy Milonakis Show on MTV. I have literally no idea what the show is about, but it is based around an overgrown, mildly-obese, childlike moron who does various nonsensical stunts. As I watched in utter horror my roomate turned to me and said...

"This is the end of television as we know it."

I heard what he said, paused, and then said, "No, it can get worse."

How it can get worse I have no idea, but I've got faith in these people.

Don't worry about me though, I'm gonna keep doing what I do, and working harder and harder to get wherever it is I'm supposed to go. However, in the meantime, here's a little something for the masses...

dfnasfd aweo 34 5r -er0 emrge omr g04 rkglm emm5 95 ygw efrmdvmsamv 0er23 r e54 55y tr00d ffe 3dmkwm ew fwefwef 0 im gdg aeg r ir gerngk gmdfg fgksng i559j ermiwm rigwe 95 5gek weknr giwer gnewkg wekg ee 0000 fwefefef j6trwe 23 ddw88 3ef

You'll have to excuse me now, I need some Advil.

Friday, July 15, 2005

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Hillary Clinton thinks that the federal government has to start regulating content in video games. Right wing conspiracies aside, this woman has flipper her wig, and here's why...

If it weren't for video games I would kill people. Yea, that's right, each and everyday I would shoot, stab, or in some other fashion kill at least one person. Life can be quite frustrating at times, and often you're only job during the day is just to figure out how to deal with it without going completely bonkers. For me, I do two things to avoid becoming a mass murderer; comedy and video games.

Hillary thinks that the simulated sex in Grand Theft Auto is pretty much the beginning of the end of human civilization. Of course, co-moralist Joe Lieberman is joining Hillary on this crusade to save humanity as we know it. Somehow I doubt the two of them have ever played the game, or any other game for that matter, but as politicians they obviously feel qualified to tell us why they think we're all messed up.

Back to why I play video games for a second. Sometimes, once in a blue moon, I have a bad set. Afterwards, I could go drink, or do drugs, or drink and do drugs, but usually I just come home and play some video games instead. A half hour later I couldn't care less about the set and I'm more focused on how to shut off a power generator so I can move to the next stage, or how to
beat the level 4 boss.

Though I did eat mushrooms in college, I assure you it had nothing to do with Super Mario Brothers. And while I did once stop an evil alien force from taking over the world it had nothing to do with Contra. And you know what, if it did, would it be that bad?

Video games do not make people more violent. Politicians who trivialize real issues and then make it about things such as video games is what make people violent.

Now you'll have to excuse me. This whole thing has me so riled up that I'm gonna have to fire up Grand Theft Auto and punch out a couple hookers.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

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Continuing my week of shameless plugging, I'll be on the Joey Reynolds Radio Show tonight at 2 a.m. I've been doing Joey's show for a couple years and it's always an interesting event, completely unscripted and often quite confusing. You can listen in at 710 on your AM dial here in NY, or listen online at this link...

http://www.wor710.com/joey_reynolds.shtml

Just click the "Listen Live" button and sit back and enjoy the craziness.

There's a new HP laptop commercial showing a bunch of kids sitting through a boring lecture in college, so instead of paying attention they are listening to music and watching videos on their computers. Man, if we had that kind of technology when I was in college I might've actually gone to class.

I have an HP laptop, which I'm writing on right now, so I guess I officially endorse the HP brand. Go out and get yourself one, it's a fine machine.

Speaking of products I'm using, I've recently switched to Axe Body Spray. I'm not sure it actualyl works but I like the idea of spraying something all over myself.

There's something a little sick about that.

Having lunch with grandma today. I'm thinking French Toast, but a burger might make a last minute substitution. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.

Why did I capitlize French Toast? And why did I do it again right there?

Okay, gotta go shower and then spray myself down with that body spray. Oh yeaaaaaa!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

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The Apairy, a website devoted to the NYC comedy scene, just posted a mini-interview with me as a follow-up to The Gothamist one. Check it out at www.theapiary.org.

For today's Daily Dave just scroll down...

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So you know that you're getting older when you're flicking the channels and you're roomate says to you, "It's pretty sad when the All-Star Game is the best thing on TV." If this was 1989, I would've been watching that thing with a scorecard in one hand and a box of Cracker Jacks in the other.

Tuesday is my one night off from comedy so it usually consists of mindlessly changing the channels while praying that something worthwhile will be on. Last night mostly consisted of the All-Star game, though I had to change quite often because I realized that I didn't know who half the players were and that fact was making me feel old.

NBC was airing, "Avergage Joe: The Joes Strike Back", which is an embarrassment to average people, less-than-average people, better-than-average people, and even comatose people. The woman who they were fighting for made out with 3 of the guys in this one episode alone, including one of the average guys. I just e-mailed NBC to have them change the show's title to "The Skanky Whore Hookup Hour".

Tiffany Amber Theissen got married yesterday. Zach Morris showed up at the wedding all drunk, made a big fool of himself, and was removed by security.

The big Thiessen married story was on CNN.com's front-page yesterday. That does seem pretty newsworthy.

Senator John McCain has a role in the new movie, "Wedding Crashers". The movie, which is pretty much a boob-fest, is a surprising debut for a man who was once trying to get goevernment control to censor movies. McCain has responded to criticism by saying that he "just really likes breasts."

Anyone else been watching 6 Feet Under this season? I find that sometimes when I'm watchign it I get a quesy feeling. You know something is good when it makes you wanna puke.

Nate is probably the best character on TV. Consistently working through his shit, trying to figure out his life. Like me, but with more of a work-ethic.

I read somewhere the other day that blogs are just "open mic nights online". I guess that's partly true, but how many of you are drinking right now while also ignoring the performer?

A couple people have e-mailed me saying that maybe it wasn't too wise to talk about Jay Leno the way I did in the Gothamist article. I gotta stand by what I said, I mean if I can't maintain my intergrity now, then how will I have have it in the future? Hmm, someone should ask Jay that question and then watch him spontanteously combust.

Space Shuttle Discovery is set to launch in a couple hours. I really wanna be the first comedian in space...

"Boy I just flew in from Alpha Centauri and boy are my arms tired!"

"Take my spacecraft...please!"

"I'll be here all week folks, don't forget to tip your waitress and try the astronaut ice-cream, it's delicious."

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

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I was interviewed this weekend for The Gothamist, which is a website about all things NYC. Check out the interview at...

www.gothamist.com/archives/2005/07/12/dave_rubin_comedian.php

I'll post more this afternoon, but I just wanted to get that up for now. Click it! What's the worst that could happen?

Monday, July 11, 2005

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It was bound to happen and this emblem is proof that the rumors are true; Cobra and the Decepticons are now working together. I've been saying for years that the writing was on the wall for this evil tandem to pair up, and was always shot-down by the so-called experts. Well, now my worst fears are confirmed, and it may be too late to stop them.

Originally, there was a third partner involved in this new axis of evil, but at the last minute Skeletor and his bunch of bad guys dropped out because of salary cap issues. That's lucky for the rest of us, because my sources tell me that He-Man is no longer fighting evil and has retired to a studio apartment in Chelsea.

I'll keep you posted with all the evil-doings of this new, deadly alliance.

(All that just because I wanted to post that pic. Truly amazing.)

Caught Fantastic 4 over the weekend. It was a movie with super-heros in it. If you like those type of movies go see it. If you don't like those movies, dont see it.

7-Eleven's Slurpee is 40 years old today. That's over 1 billion brain-freezes sold.

American workers say they waste two hours of time at work everyday. If The Daily Dave is but 30 seconds of that for a few people, then I've done my part.

Can someone lend me a couple thousand dollars? I e-mailed Ellen Degeneres about it a couple months ago and she never got back to me, so now I'm opening it up to the general public.

Another full-week of postings coming up. Think of it as reality TV but it's on the computer and with no animal testicle consumption.

Unless you want that, cuz it can be arranged. Really, it's not a problem.

Friday, July 08, 2005

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After my serious posting from yesterday I decided to post this picture to remind myself that I'm a comedian first, quasi-political thinker second.

That picture is from 2 summers ago, at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club. I started JF's along with Adam Hunter a bunch of other comics who I often talk about on here. At the time this picture was taken the club had become so successful that we took over the entire restaurant to do comedy everynight, instead of just working out of the back room.

About 6 months after this picture Adam moved to LA and the oppurtunity to open a new club, the Comedy Company, presented itself. I moved over to the new club with some of the guys and some of the team stayed at Joe Franklin's. I'm pretty sure it was the first time ever that two full-time comedy clubs were completely run by and for the comics themselves, and I'm pretty proud of what we accomplished and what we continue to work on.

Uhhh, Dave, can you write something funny now? Oh fine...

450 sheep jumped to their deaths to the stunned amazement of sheephearders in Turkey. The cause is unknown just to be careful, the head sheaphearder has announced that "we will all stop having unprotected anal sex with the sheep, just in case."

One of my fish died today but I left him in the tank for an extra hour so that his friend could say goodbye. Unfortunately, fish only have 3 second memories so I think I just caused him the same grief over and over, literally hundreds of times...

"Oh shit, Frank is dead!" ---3 seconds --- "Oh shit, Frank is dead!" ---3 seconds --- "Oh shit, Frank is dead!" --- 3 seconds --- Oh shit, Frank is dead!" (Repeat as necessary.)

I didn't even know his name was Frank.

The unemployment rate has dropped to 5%, which is the lowest in 4 years. Interestingly, the job-unhappiness rate has risen to 95 percent, it's highest in 4 years.

I finally defeated Star Wars: Episode III, on PS2 yesterday. It was a lengthy dual between Obi-Wan and Annakin, and I'm pretty sure you know how it ends. Now it appears that if I go back and find a secret that I can unlock a level where I play as Darth Vader on the Death Star. Does anyone know where that secret is found? I don't think my fingers have the stamina to play all over again without knowing where to go.

Speaking of finger stamina, I'll soon be pitching "Over the Top: Part 2", where Sly Stallone enters a thumb wrestling tournament to regain the trust and love of his estranged son. The evil grandfather will be played once again by Robert Loggia, who can play an old bastard better than anyone I know.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

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That's a picture taken from a camera phone of London commuter as he climbed up to safety after the bombings earlier today. I normally like to think of the Daily Dave as a comedy journal, but today I'm going to go in another direction...

I ride on the NYC subway every day of my life. When I'm on the train I see white people, black people, asian people, gay people, homeless people, business people and every other type of people. I often find great inspiration on the subway because of this crazy mix of people, and I probably write more ideas down while in the subway than anywhere else.

So earlier today, in London, as all those types of people went to work or wherever else they were headed, they suddenly found themselves climbing out of the underground, praying for their lives.

Terror is really an amazing tool. It makes nations choose their destiny instead of avoiding it. When America was attacked, we chose to go on the offensive. When Spain was attacked, they chose to retreat. Now England will have their choice, and we'll see what they do. I have a feeling they'll go on the offensive, but Europe is a strange place, and there are many people who think that if you appease the bad guys that they will stop hating you as much.

A month from now Israel is going to pull out of the Gaza Strip. I can't help but think that the same guys who attacked us on 9/11, and the same guys who hit London today, are the same guys who will be thrilled that Israel is leaving because of an unrelenting campaign of terror. I'm not saying that staying just because they will feel rewarded if you leave is enough to stay, but I am wondering if leaving emboldens them to fight even more.

This is the challenge of all free nations in the 21st century. How do we keep our freedoms and our liberties while at the same time stopping backwards minds from turning us into the barbarians they they themselves are?

I was down by the Statue of Liberty on July 4th, and as I watched the fireworks while standing amongst so many different types of people I kept thinking about how much I love New York City. And by an extension of that I supposed I really was thinking how much I love this country.

Today, I'd imagine every person in England is thinking about how much they love their country.

And that powerful feeling is stronger than what a few fundamentalist fuckers can ever blow-up.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

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For some reason I can't get pics to load at the moment, so we'll have to do this in the old-school style...

Had a great 4th of July weekend which was highlighted by fireworks over the Statue of Liberty. For a moment, as I watched the amazing display of exploding lights over the statue, I thought maybe the French aren't so bad after all. Then I came to my senses.

London was awarded the 2012 Olympics today. As a New Yorker, I'm dissapointed that we won't have the games here. But moreso dissapointed that now the Mayor will have less leverage in having our homeless mass-removed from Manhattan.

NBC is coming out with a new reality show using "real lawyers in real cases". It's brilliantly titled, "The Law Firm". Another groundbreaking show from the braintrust at NBC.

I'm currently pitching a show to NBC where regular people get to hunt down NBC executives and murder them in cold blood. The first person to get Jeff Zucker gets a million bucks.

That's actually a show that'd I'd watch. Wouldn't that be a network exec's worst nightmare? A show where they risk getting killed but the ratings were just too good to pass up? Anyone wanna help me write the treatment?

So since I've added the comments section here at the Daily Dave we've had a wopping 10 comments posted. And out of those, I've posted 4 of them. I think people don't know what to post, since I write about a lot of random stuff. Post about anything you are thinking/feeling/doing. I'll respond to all comments no matter how silly/pointless/worthless.

Take me up on this offer people, cuz the second I make it I ain't responding to nobody.

Ain't responding to nobody. Oh shit, that's a double negative, which means that I will respond to everybody. Damn you people and you're knowledge of the English language.

It's always interesting seeing where people come from that check in here at Rubinville. I've been getting a bunch of hits from someone at the New York Times lately. If this is about that whole CIA leak thing, I don't reveal my sources. Unless you pay in cash.

Bought some underwear this weekend at a store that will remain nameless, and when I got home and openend the package it turns out I bought regular briefs instead of boxer briefs. While I was dissapointed at first, I do look rather sexy in them. I wonder what it would be like to do comedy is regular briefs.

I'll have to ask someone.

Darin Kagan has over-taken Kira Phillips in my favorite CNN Girl Poll. Christiane Aman Pour, or however you spell that, is currently in 4th place, below Candy Crowley.

Time Warner cable here in NYC is now Carrying AZN Television, "The Network for Asian Americans". This is a real problem going on in America right now, that everyone thinks they need their own channel. The asain channel, the woman channel, the gay channel, the black channel. What's next, a comedy channel?

No, they'd probably just show repeats of old 1980's HBO specials all day. Nobody would watch that.

Gotta go, my phone is ringing. Might be Jeff Zucker. These people move quick.

Friday, July 01, 2005

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The first woman ever on the Supreme Court, Sandra Day O'Connor, has announced she is retiring. While I know that President Bush will be under a lot of pressure to replace her with a woman, I'd like to take this time to throw my name into the ring. Here are my thoughts on some of the keys issues...

Abortion
I believe that abortion should be legal as long as the woman wants it. No forced abortions on my watch.

Death Penalty
I'm for the death penalty if you kill more than five people and eat their skin. So, someone like Hannibal Lecter would qualify for that. I'm against it if you just kill one person, because I believe all celebrities should be able to kill one person.

Seperation of Church and State
They must remain seperated, unless Jesus is involved. A lot of people really like him, and our government should be run by what people think he would do.

Election Issues
The Supreme Court will only decide an election when the majority of people on the court want to overturn the specific state's ruling because they weren't appointed by a politician from the winning party.


The more I look at that picture of Sandra Day O'Connor, the more she looks like Sophia Petrillo.

Now Sophia would be a good choice for Surpeme Court Justice. Can you imagine those dissenting opinions? Picture it, Sicily, 1943...

I'm a lil congested today so I'm about to pop 2 Tylenol Cold's. Anyone got a better recommendation. Only legal drugs, please.