Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Jay Leno just resigned with NBC to host the Tonight Show through 2009. I'd tell you how many horrific hack jokes that would add up to over the years, but I'm not a rocket scientist.

Melon gatorade is delicious.

The Comedy Company is looking good for our April 16th opening. It is my master plan to both revolutionize the way stand up comedy is done, and turn the entire industry upside down at the same time. Shouldn't be too hard.

Viacam announced that it is going to start a gay TV channel. I guess that channel would then only have sex with the upcoming Showtime gay channel. Or Bravo, which is obviously bi-curious.

So Condoleeza Rice is gonna testify before the 9/11 commission. What would stop her from lying about issues that might get her in trouble? Swearing on the bible? Ha, now thats funny.

A girl won the Powerade slam dunk contest in Illinois. Good for her. That changes my whole theory on not letting women vote.

Friday, March 26, 2004

Lemme get this straight. The intelligence community basically made up this weapons of mass destruction thing, thus us going to war, and now the 9/11 commission is saying all our intelligence was screwed up before then too. Shouldn't someone be fired? I don't really care who, just someone. Fire SOMEONE...ANYONE. Fire a Secretary, a janitor, the lady who waters the plants, just fire someone. Please.

So I'm waiting for the subway yesterday and there is a homeless guy singing, hoping to get some change. He was a pretty bad singer, but damn, he was puttin all his soul into it, so I went into my pocket trying to find some change. As I approached him to put the change in the bag, I was consumed by a horrific stench that was emmitting from him. I backed up, and he looked at me curiously, because clearly I had been moving in to give him some change. I thought about the situation and then decided that even holding my breathe wouldnt be good enough because the stench might burn my eyes. My only option was to get close enough to the bag to toss the change in.

Now, due to a finger injusry sustained playing basketball a few weeks ago, when I lobbed the change towards the bag, some of the coins veered offf to the right a bit. They hit the floor, scattered and I began to walk away. Suddenly, the man yelled out "You cracka-ass muthafucka! You don't wanna come close to me or what, muthafucka!"

I wonder who he was talking to.

In other news, gasoline is at an all-time high. Good thing I stopped drinking it.

Dateline NBC is going to do a 2 hour program on the life of Donald Trump. If I didn't know better, I'd think that NBC News is blatantly cross-promoting to hype something for NBC Entertainment. But I'm sure NBC wouldn't do something like that.

Baseball season is about to begin. I'm predicting the Yankees will trade for the entire Red Sox organization by mid-June.

Monday, March 22, 2004

The Israeli's killed Hamas leader Shiek something-or-other Yassin. Now the world is condemning them for killing the leader of the organization that was trying to destroy their nation. The Arabs, those peace loving, freedom loving people, are saying they'll kill Jews wherever they are. I thought that the Jews were the Chosen People. Chosen for what exactly?

China has announced it is going to the moon. They say their goal is to eventually colonize it and put in a little China Town where they will sell chicken with brocolli at extremely low prices. But what they haven't admitted yet is that on the moon chicken will actually be called cat and cat will actually be called chicken.

John Kerry has five homes worth about 33 million combined. Makes me want to marry an offspring of a condiment company.

Not for the money, I just love mustard. Honey mustard, to be precise.

I just read an article about how losing contestants on reality shows are now all the rage and find themselves getting other TV offers. That is just great. And by great I mean the most disturbing thing I've ever heard.

I got really close to buying a Big Mac yesterday. Then I remembered I don't like searing pain in my stomach.

Time to clean my room. Now where are all the cleaning supplies?

Friday, March 19, 2004

I'm watching the movie "Armed and Dangerous" right now. It's one of a handful of movies that I can see over and over again and enjoy everytime. A couple others are "9 to 5", "Naked Gun", "The Neverending Story", and "Caddyshack".

That is in no oder, and no, I will not adjust that list under any circumstances.

I've been looking into getting a new vice since I'm really over drinking and drugs. I'm thinking about milk and cookies.

Looks like the Pakistani's are closing in on Osama's #2 name, whose name I won't bother trying to spell-out. Doesn't anyone realize that the Pakistani's aren't good guys either? Unless selling nuclear components to Iran makes you good. And if thats the case, I'd be Time Man of the Year.

March Madness began yesterday. I'm not big on college hoops, so I won't make a prediction on that. I will however, predict that I will finish writing this entry within the next five minutes.

The Comedy Company continues to get closer to our opening day, April 16th. I was gonna try to bring in some big names for the opening night, but are there really any bigger names than Dave Rubin, Tarun Shetty and Mike Singer?

Actually, I tried to call Gallagher to come in, but he's still pissed at me for the time I hollowed out one of his watermellons and filled it with monkey feces.

A good friend of mine got engaged yesterday. It's really great to see two people so in love. I actually got a little depressed after thinking about it since I'm not with anyone, but then I realized that I have Playstation 2 AND Sega Genesis. Beat that!

Anyone else sometimes feel something vibrating in their pocket even when they don't have their cell phone on them? That can't be good.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Without boring you with the details, I didn't pass my Comic Strip audition last night. The lady in charge of passing comics told me I did too much crowd work and that I shoud've been tighter. That's exactly the same thing the last girl I slept with told me.

Wait, that came out wrong.

Either way, I didn't pass the audition, which doesn't really bother me because I have so many other good things going on. While it would've been nice at an ego level, it has become apparent to me that I will help change stand-up from the outside, and any conventional way of success isn't gonna be something that I'll be a part of. That being said, it was a pretty damn good set, and I don't quite think that the lady I auditioned for understand exactly what crowd work is.

John Kerry said the other day that there are many world leaders who would like to see President Bush ousted, but then refused to name and names. Could we possibly have to worse candidates? One, an incumbent who has slowly been taking away our civil liberties and wrecking the economy, and another who is resorting to the old "other world leaders don't like you" routine. Just pathetic.

I jammed my finger playing basketball on Sunday and I told my brother that it looks like, "Barney's ass". He looked all confused and was like, "Barney Rubble?"

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in June. I know a lot of people willbe judging each other on career choices, weight gain, stuff like that. I just really want to be in the top 10 percent of haircount in men.

Looks like astronomers have found a new planet, tentatively named Sedna. You know the Spin doctors for Pluto are bugging out right now because Pluto will soon lose its claim as the furthest planet from Earth. They're gonna need a new catchphase or something. "Pluto: It's cold, but it still betta than Sedna!" Or, "Pluto: Still bigger than Uranus!"

Friday, March 12, 2004

Entertainment Weekly came out with their Top 25 Funniest People issue and, quite shockingly, I was not on the list. I'm pretty sure it was because I didn't fill out my paperwork correctly, but I'll let you know as soon as I find out. Strangely, the people at the magazine haven't returned my e-mail, phone calls, nor carrier pigeon messages.

The Knicks just signed alcoholic basketball star Vin Baker for the remainder of the season. I don't get all these athletes that have drub habits. I mean I'm a comedian, I have to drink.

Apparently, the NHL is considering completely banning fighting because of that dude that got his head bashed in earlier this week. I don't watch hockey but I will say that if they take the fighting out of hockey I will continue to not watch hockey.

There, I said it.

Does it bother anyone that Halliburton, the company that Dick Cheney used to run, is now getting most of the oil contracts for the reconstruction of Iraq? Halliburton is now being investigated for over-charging on its services. That's gotta be a sticky situation for the VP, don't you think? I'm guessing some random people related to this will die strange natural cuase deaths over the next few months.

CNN is airing some special on the Dean Campaign which will focus on his ability to garner support from young people because of his use of the internet. This brings the total uses of the internet to three things. Porn, the Dean Campaign and Rubinville. Obviously, that's in no specific order.

There are comedy clubs opening all over the city and I've been getting random e-mails from comedians telling me how excited they are, like there is some comedy boom going on. Lemme be the first to say that this is no boom, its the internet of five years ago, and its gonna burst soon enough and a lot of people are gonna lose a lot of money. That doesn't include my new operation because I've surrounded myself with not only great comics but the right mix of people who understand the trends and truly have their passions in the right place. So, I'll try not to smile too much when the whole thing comes crashing down on the big name, huge-money clubs.

Ever take a dump that is so amazing you want to not flush because you want someone else to see it? Take it from me, the old lady who lives down the hall doesn't want to see.

I recently bought a comic book for the first time in about 10 years. I bought Transformers: Generation 1, Issue #2. I can't believe it but it turns out Starscream has a brother. Yup, a brother. His name is Sunstorm and he is a super bad dude. I don't know how a robot could even have a brother but that's neither her nor there. I have a feeling that they might team up to take down Megatron, but I don't think that we're here to dicuss internal Decepticon politics.

I wanted to get that phrase is really badly, as I try to get it in here once a month or so. That's gonna be the name of my one-man show, "Internal Decepticon Politics with Dave Rubin". Anyone wanna write that for me?

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

My basketball team has officially been knocked out of the playoffs after a 60-50 defeat tonight, dropping our record to 6-5. We have one remaining game which will be more about pride than anything else. Hopefully we'll get a high draft pick, trade some players to create cap room, and come back strong for next season. Or maybe we'll pretend that we're a real NBA team and get stoned and buy Hummers and beat our wives.

Imitation is the best form of flattery, this is something I've really been trying to accept lately. That, and that I can't move a glass off a table just by staring at it, no matter how hard I concentrate.

Did you hear about this woman who tried to use a one million dollar bill at Wal-Mart? She want to only purchase about a thousand dollars worth of stuff and then get back a cool $999,000 from the lady at the cash register. That is simply just funny on it's own. I'll let the Leno writer's do all the quick one-liners.

April 16th, 2004, is looking like the official opening date for The Comedy Company NYC. I've been working hard at planning all the details and figuring out how to run it, manage it, and still be funny. Fortunately, as long as I have my woopie chushion and flower lapel that shoots water, I'll never have to worry about the latter of the three.

I just saw a hilarious McDonald's commercial where this guy says "I've decided to make some changes". And then they show him working out and at the office, doing all this stuff. Then they mention how Chicken McNuggets have changed because they are all-white meat now. Now, I haven't had the new McNuggets, and I'm sure they are delicious, but can someone explain to me why old people congregate at McDonalds at like 11 pm to drink coffee and eat those little pies?

Also, have you ever walked into a McDonald's in the middle of the day? It's like a homeless shelter except it smells worse and you'll be sicker once you leave.

I'll end with this one. Lately, I've been seeing the butler from the show, "The Nanny" walking around the neighborhood. I never really watched the show, but somehow I recognize him. Every time I pass him I feel like I shoudl go up to him and say something, like, "Hey, you're that guy on the show that I really never watched! But I'm sure you were as good, if not better than the butler on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! Have a nice day geeves!"

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Well, the Sopranos began their new season tonight, and I won't reveal any plot points here because in case someone on the West Coast is reading this before 9 pm out there I don't want to play the spoiler. (This was brought to my attention by the head of the San Diego fan club, much thanks.)

So, while I won't give away plot points, I will mention that Vinny Delpino, Doogie Howser's best friend, is now one of Tony's underlings. He even ends up guarding Tony's house because a bear is in the backyard. At one point he tells Carmela that if anyone gets injured by the bear he has a good friend who is a teenage doctor.

I just gave away a plot point, didnt I? The bear plot was a little random, but it reminded me of the time that a racoon was in our attic when I was a child and I thought that someone was trying to break into the house everynight and didn't have a good nights sleep for about 8 years. That was nice.

I had a Red Bull the other night at about 8 pm as a little pick-me-up before the two Saturday Shows. I had 2 great sets, though I think that it may have had to do with the involuntary twitching that has yet to stop 2 days later.

Speaking of Red Bull, if you are looking for a legal high, I recommend getting a venti anything at Starbucks and then putting about 4 sugars in it and drinking it with your legs up on a table. It's a good time and it's legal. More expensive than cocaine, but legal.

One of the wonders of the internet is that I can see where I get hits on this website from. And it appears that someone from Comedy Central has been checking in pretty frequently. I just want to say that I know what you're up to and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

I still haven't seen, nor plan on seeing, the Mel Gibson Jesus movie. However, in honor of the movie I've built a cross and put it outside my apartment and have been asking the Jews who walk by if they want me to cruxify anyone. Turns out most Jews aren't into killing people. Maybe I'll make a movie about that and then sell every little stupid fuckin product I can think of related to said movie. Sound's like a pretty good idea. And then just like Mel, it will be because I have great faith.

In summation, I've gotten to the age where drinking a glass of milk means that I'll be farting my brains out for about 2 hours.


Thursday, March 04, 2004

I just read an interesting article about how at the finals for the next season of "Last Comic Standing" on NBC, that Brett Butler, one of the celebrity judges, stormed out when the producers of the show overrode the judges decisions and selected whoever they wanted to move on.

I think that was a run on sentence, but I couldn't figure out how to do it differently.

Anyways, I actually never saw one minute of the first Last Comic Standing, but it obviosuly doesn't surprise me that the whole thing is fixed. I've even talked to some of the comics who were in the last one, and they were telling me all about who was friends with the host, Jay Mohr, and the other producers/managers, and how that effected who moved on.

It obviously doesn't come as a surprise that NBC, or any other network would do anything to get what they want, but the idea that they even "cheat" on a reality show, makes this whole thing all the more nauseating. Or maybe, for me, it is all the more nauseating, because I see good life-long comedians who have no choice but to try to be part of crappy reality shows because the industry is so dead thanks to reality TV in the first place.

I've probably babbled on about this before so I will get off my soapbox in 3...2...1...

Ok then, so how about that President Bush? Is he an idiot or what? C'mon people!

Ahh, okay back into comic mode.

Does it bother anyone else that Bush and John Kerry both went to Yale and were in the same secret Skull and Bones Society? If you don't know what it is, think of the movie Fight Club, but with Republicans. And now two of them are running against each other for President. Smells like something is rotten in Stinktown.

Everyone is all upset about Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi and some other baseball players possibly taking steroids. Please, you know how many comics are on zoloft? Where's the public outcry on that one?

If you don't watch Bill Maher's HBO show you are missing by far the sharpest, wittiest comedy on television.

So NASA is saying they've founf proof there was water on Mars. I guess that means if martians had iced tea mix they could've made iced tea. Everyone loves iced tea.

McDonalds announced that it is phasing out Supersize meals by the end of the year. Fat people have since announced that they would like to see McDonald's package the grease from the fryer in frozen form as a desert.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Big basketball win last night, pushing our team record to 6-4 and right back in the thick of the playoff hunt. Now we gotta win out the last 2 game and we might just pull off what nobody thought could happen.

The reason that nobody thought it could happen, of course, was that nobody would waste their time thinking of such things.

I bought some iced coffee yesterday and didn't finish it so I put in in the fridge. I just took it out to drink this morning but I'm a little concerned that something could've congeled or gestated or something. We shall see.

Watched a few minutes of the Oscars the other night. First thing is, Billy Crystal does a nice job with these things, but he appears to be made of clay, and melting just a bit.

Besides Billy melting, I'd like to now throw in my two cents on the overall idea of rewarding artists in some sort of competitive atmosphere. Imagine is painters or sculptors actually did this. The whole thing is so ludicrous that it is beyong imagination. And the worst is when the actors look into the crowd and thank other actors with lines like, "You are my friend, my inspiration." Nobody talks like that. These self-indulgent freaks.

I'd like to pre-emptively take these comments back, assuming that I'll win an Oscar in about 2009 for my autobiographical movie, "Please Laugh, Pretty Please".

The Sopranos are coming back in a couple weeks, and everyone is very excited. I'll watch it but once you've lived that stuff, like me, it's hard to get excited over the TV version.

Today is Super Tuesday, which means that the John Edwards campaign will either end tonight or make it to hit the southern states next week. Isn't that super?