Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Well, its the last day of 2003. Lemme do a quick recap of events of the past year. Did stand up pretty much every night in January-March at Gladys'. Then we opened ComedyWorks and I did stand up there pretty much every night from March to November. Then we caught Sadaam. Then it was Christmas season. And then the year ended. I think that about wraps it up.

Actually, I think I accomplished more this year both personally and professionally than any year up to now, and hopefully this will be just another one of the years that I can say that. I'm pretty sure that the whole point, right?

I'll be heading downtown to a loft party for the New Years celebration tonight. The plan goes something like this; go to party, drink, drink, drink, get laid. Not necessarily in that order, of course.

The other day I dropped my laundry off at the place down the street only to pick it up and find out I must've left some gum inj a pocket because all my white shirts are now pink. I don't mind the color change but after chewing the shirts for only like 15 minutes they lose all their flavor.

I'd like to have a lesbain friend. Not a rugby lesbian friend, but like a hot lesbian friend. Please e-mail me if you are interested or can recommend someone.

For my last political comment of the year, I'd like to once again say that there is something purely evil about Howard Dean and that he must be stopped at all costs.

For my last Michael Jackson comment of the year, I'd like introduce the following idea. Let's just put him in jail for something. I dunno what exactly, but just a short time in jail with no special treatment. I'd like to see him dance after a month of being someone else's little 12 year old.

And for my last comment of the year, I'd like to thank all of those of you who have come out to see me do stand up and support some loon with a joke and a dream. 2004 here we come.

Monday, December 29, 2003

We had the Roast of Adam Hunter last night at ComedyWorks. The night was really incredible. We brought together the most random mixed-match of comedians and put on a great show. Adam took the whole thing in stride, which was quite amazing for anyone to deal with 2 hours of insults, much less a guy like Adam who takes so much stuff personally. However, he had a smile on his face the entire time, though come to think of it that might have had something to do with the 8-10 Corona's he drank. For the most part all the comics were sharp and the jokes were just the right mix of insult and humor. I hosted the show, which was great fun, mostly because I got to throw zingers at every comic before and after I brought them up to perform. I'm sure as my career goes on that I'll be part of many more roasts, however, I think this one will always be special because it was before any of us were anything, and only because we came together as comics and friends.

That was by far the sappiest thing I've ever written in the Daily Dave. I owe you one.

The NFL regular season ended today, sending both the Giants and Jets home for a couple long months. I wish life had an off-season to re-group and heal injuries and take anabolic steriods.

Okay, I'm still slightly hungover so I'll write more tommorrow.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

1000 people dressed as Santa Claus went to the Islanders hockey game today. In between periods they all went out onto the ice so the fans could see them, when suddenly, 2 of them ripped of their Santa Clause uniforms to expose Ranger jerseys. Several other Santas attacked them. This once again proves my theory that hockey sucks.

My fish tank is undergoing some sort of mass death syndrome. Unless there is some sort of Christmas Miracle I don't think anyone will be alive in the morning. This once again proves my theory that fish need to be fed.

I just asked my roomate for something good to funny to write about and he said, "Well, you could write about the socio-economic effects of the mass transit system of New York City." This once again proves my theory that regular people aren't funny.

Someone came up to me the other night and said that I do the best Transformers but that they had ever heard. It was one of the most touching moments of my life. Almost as touching as when Ultra Magnus handed down the Matix of Power to Rodimus Prime shortly after the death of Optimus Prime.

The movie American Pie is on TV right now. Lemme be the first to say that when your father catches you making sweet love to a pie it is far less funny than it appeared to be in the movie.

SportsCenter did their list of the top ten dunkers of all time. They put Clyde Drexler at number 10, even though I think he should have been closer to 5th. Thoughts? Comments?

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

I've received several e-mails from people saying that I was too harsh in my critique of the last Lord of the Rings. I thought about it, and then re-read what I wrote, and I realized that I did make a mistake. Turns out I saw Lord of the Dance, not Lord of the Rings. I'm still not sure why there were elves in that, though.

I just saw a commerical for a mediation for Excema (which apparently is some kind of skin itching thing) and suddenly my skin started itching. Makes you wonder if they just put all these commercials out there to trick us into buying all their crap.

I don't understand what a gift reciept is. I know there is no price on it, but when you return the item, don't you find out the price anyway? Who are we fooling here people?

Apparently, the cast from Seinfeld won't do commentary on the upcoming DVD of the first season of the series. I look forward to the day I can turn down hundreeds of thousands of dollars to sit and talk for a few minutes.

I think that they light the fitting room of the Gap in such a way that when you try clothes on you end up staring into the mirror and examing your life rather than actually seeing how the clothes look.

That's a good premise, someone write some jokes about that for me, ok?

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Just got back from the lastest and last Lord of the Rings.

If you like painfully long movies that are endlessly repetitive and have tons of characters that you don't care about at all, then see this movie. About half way through the movie I actually considered committing suicide. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have any of the swords or sprears or axes on me that they had in the movie. Oh well, lifes goes on.

I'd like to write some funny things here but that movie just sucked the funny out of me. Oh, here's one, I hate people that clap after a movie. This isn't Broadway. It's not live you morons.

Damn, that movie put me in a worse mood than I thought.

I'm gonna make some grilled cheese, that should make everything ok.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

We got Sadaam. I'll let the pundits and people with bow-ties discuss what this means for America, but who knew that Sadaam with a beard would look so much like Topol from Fiddler on the Roof?

They shaved Sadaam immediately and that was making me wonder who actually does the shaving? I mean, in whose job description does it say, "Shaving all captured ex-dictators".

In the video they released of Sadaam they also showed him getting what looked like some cavity checkup. There's a guy with gloves on sticking those little wooden sticks into his mouth like my dentist does. I wonder if they are playing really bad elevator music in the background.

They also seemed to check him for lice. That reminds me of when I was in third grade and they checked everyone for lice. Those were the days.

I just saw some video of the little 8 foot hole that Sadaam was living in. They are saying it was infested with rats and mice and he could barely move around. Sounds strikingly similiar to my NYC apartment.

Al Sharpton is talking on about Sadaam right now, it seems that his body is getting smaller and his head is getting bigger, I wonder if that is some type of medical condition. Maybe he's the first to have it, "Al Sharpton's Disease."

More Sadaam related humor forthecoming, I haven't even had coffee yet.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

So Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean. Could there possibly be two more boring people standing on one stage? Why do people think this is a big endoresemen? Nobody likes Gore. And Dean is even more stiff than him. The democrats are like a bunch of nerds in junior high school who are just happy to have another nerd in the fold so their numbers increase.

Andy Pettitte just signed with the Houston Astros. Pettitte has been my favorite pitcher in baseball for about 8 years, since Jimmy Key retired. I assume that since the Yanks lost him they will now sign 10 more over-paid high-profile free agents, thus ballooning their payroll over 200 million. That is roughly half of the payroll I dole out for the comics at Joe Franklin's.

Our new basketball team debuted last night and we won 59-50. We looked pretty sharp. Fellow comic Marty McLean is now aboard the team, and using skills he gained on PS2's NBA Live, he orchestrated a nice flowing offense and a solid defense. My brother Jonathan is on the team, and working in the regular world has taken its toll on his game, but I expect a full recovery by mid-season. The highlight of the game was a late-game alley-oop that i caught and scored on. I would've dunked but I chose to just lay it up because I didn't wanna show up the opponents.

Adam Hunter is heading out to make the dream come true in LA. I've heard some really horrible things about LA in general and the stand up scene in particular, but if there is someone who can go there and revolutionize it, its the Hunter. We shall see.

Oh, ESPN is promoting their new season of Professional Bowling. That's right, Professional Bowling. Aren't white people great?

Monday, December 08, 2003

Okay, time to get back to the funny after my last reality/depression blog. Funny in 3, 2, 1...

One good thing about the snow is that people are constantly falling all over the place. I saw at least 10 people fall flat on their asses over the weekend. Young, old, big and small, seeing someone fall while walking down the street is always funny.

John Kerry told Rolling Stone magazine that President Bush "fucked up" the Iraq situation. About time a politician started talking like a junior high school student instead of just acting like one.

Krusty the Clown had his Bar Mitzvah on The Simpsons last night. I can't believe I didn't get to light a candle.

Went to the pet store yesterday to get some fishfood. Remember those colored tubes that you could connect to create all kind of crazy mazes to put your hamsters through? I remember them being called Habitrail, but they are something else now. Anyways, they brought back many good memories of childhood for me, so I bought some. Apparently, though, you can't put fish in them. I found that out a little too late.

Just got an e-mail for my 10 year high school reunion. I better make something of my life quick.

CNN is doing a piece about the trial of a cannibal from Germany. I wonder what would go better with human, teriyaki or duck sauce? Either way, I think a nice German beer would help it go down smoothly.

This entry wasn't all that hilarious, but I'm on the comeback trail, so watch out.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Sometimes its hard to explain what following your dream is really like. And, in some respects, it probably shouldn't be explained, it should just be lived. However, since I'm a comic, and I have to hash these things out into words, I'm feeling the need to write about what doing comedy was like last night.

The blizzrd of December 2003, or whatever it is they are calling this thing, hit in full force yesterday. Slowly but surely, as the day progressed, I got several calls from comics cancelling their spots on the show because they couldnt get into the city. The few of us that pressed on, Hunter, Tarun, Meghan, Marty, Singer and Tsirklin, got to the club and grabbed some flyers with the hopes of getting some people to see the show. We all stood out there in the freezing temperatures for about an hour and evnetually got about 10-12 people into the show. Mike Singer once said to me that years from now they will name a psycological condition after comedians who "bark" outside in sub-zero temperatures. I guess they could call it "Bakers Syndrome". Needless to say, the show was less than great, and I had probably the worst set I've had in 3 years.

The second show was slightly less sucky, but I think that overall last night was one of my worst in five years of this adventure. If anything though, it only strengthens my resolve to treck on and push harder and figure out more ways to make this all happen.

Hmm, this wasn't a funny blog at any level was it? I feel like I owe you one. You know what? Come over to my place and I'll give free massages to anyone who reads this, I think thats fair.

Funnyness continues in next blog, I promise.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Did a college radio show last night. I really love doing radio stuff. You can be talking very seriously about something while making silly faces and nobody is the wiser. Much like making your sexy face while having sex and then when they look at you you're like, "Oh, that was nothing, just a little twitch."

Got our final basketball scrimmage tonight before the season begins. Tonight also marks the first time in over 3 years that I will be lacing up new basketball sneakers. Sadly however, I have a feeling I will continue the 27 year run I have on being unable to dunk.

Now I will rank three 80's sitcoms from best to worst: Growing Pains, Who's the Boss, Night Court.

I haven't yet seen the new Paris Hilton show on Fox (that's because I'm still reviewing her sex tapes), but I hope that at some point she at least steps in cow shit or gets molested by an old man on the farm.

Ever think the Middle East Peace Process has nothing to do with peace nor is a process? But, I guess that it sound better than Middle East Not Peace Unprocess.