Monday, October 31, 2005

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Theo Epstein is leaving the Red Sox. Everyone is saying it's because of money, but my insiders tell me it's because he likes Krispy Kreme more than Dunkin Donuts.

I find it hard to sympathize with anyone making millions of dollars to do anything. I can't even sympathize with anyone making a million lira. Take that Mario and Luigi!

Mario and Luigi were the plumbers who said they could unclog my toilet in under and hour for a million lira (20 US dollars), but then left without finishing the job. They claimed that they had to save some princess and I haven't heard from them since. I guess that's what you get when you find your plumber from the Nintendo Yellow Pages.

Don't even ask me about the time Donkey Kong came over to fix my leaky barrel.

Bush picked a new Supreme Court nominee, but I haven't had a chance to read about his record and make-up ridiculous statements yet, so give me another day on this one. I like to have my facts sideways before I make my opinions known.

I'm going to be heading downtown to the big Haloween parade tonight. It's really quite a scene down there with all the freaks, the ghouls, the misfits and the oddballs. And then there's all the people who get into costume.

Oh, the Stewie Griffin DVD was excellent as I assumed it would be. Lotsa funny stuff, some edgier than they get away with on TV, and they already get away with more than any other comedy out there. I'd give it two thumbs up.

Two thumbs up? Dave, you stole that from Siskel, err, Ebert and Roper. No, not really. See, I am only one man, thus giving it both my thumbs up. Those guys each give only one thumb per movie. It's totally different.

Okay, I'm outta here, I'll tell you more about the freakshow tommorrow. And maybe I'll discuss the parade, too.

Ah, the callback, you gotta love it.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

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Just rented the Stewie Griffin DVD, which I have very high hopes for. I'll be watching it once I finish with this gripping episode of "Mysteries of the Bible."

I love the bible shows, though this one isn't nearly as good as "The Cosby Mysteries of the Bible."

Seems like The Simpsons should be showing their new Halloween epsiode tonight instead of next week. I have to call Rupert Murdoch about that. Maybe in Australia Halloween is a week later.

So we turned the clock back an hour last night, and that, coupled with the excessive drinking I did, has turned this into perhaps the longest day of my life. I've taken three naps, had two lunches, and solved at least four mysteries of the bible.

"Saw II" was the number one movie at the box office this weekend. I never saw "Saw", so I'm not planning on seeing "Saw II". It doesn't seem right to see "Saw II" before you've ever seen "Saw" in the first place.

I did however, use a seesaw at the local park this afternoon and it brough back some truly horrible grade-school memories. Damn fat kids, holding me up in the air and then jumping off and dropping me. It's a miracle I never broke my tail bone. A miracle, I tell ya.

For a far better version of the "Saw" bit, check out "Who's on First?" by Abbott and Costello.

Oh, now they're delving into bible codes. I better go, there might be something about me in there. Maybe "Rubin" is crossed with "Comedic" and "Genius".

Or maybe it'll just be crossed with "Should" and "Retire".

Either way, the end of times is coming. Have a nice evening.

Friday, October 28, 2005

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Well, I've finally done it folks. Slightly below, in the right column, you can now click the PayPal button and make a donation to me.

I'd like to say that if you don't donate that I won't write anymore, but we both know that's just not true. If anything, if I make money off this I won't even know what to do with myself and I'll probably go on a heroine binge or something.

Yes, I wrote "heroine" there, as in a female hero, not "heroin", as in the drug. I don't really do drugs anymore, but there is a chance that if I get a ton of money that I might have a sex change and then chase criminals throughout New York City. Without money, I just can't afford to do that.

So that's it. If you donate, it'll help me to what I do, and if you don't, I'll do it anyway. But, think of this this way, if you donate, I'm responsible to make you laugh instead of me making it big and being responsible to protect corporate interests. So donating to me in many ways is a donation for free speech, which in a larger sense is a donation for Democracy, which is really a donation for America, and that, ultimately, is a donation to the force of good.

Perhaps I'll also use some of the donated money to take a course on how not to write run-on sentences.

The big news of the day is that Lewis "Scooter" Libby has resigned after being indicted in the CIA leak investigation. Libby made the announcement and then got onto his scooter and drove off into the sunset.

George Takei, Star Trek's Sulu, has come out and admitted he is gay. Is this really a surprise to anyone? I vaguely remember an episode of Star Trek where he was involved some group sex with Scotty and a couple male aliens.

I would've said the type of aliens but believe it or not I can't remember what the alien's were called in Star Trek. Highly illogical.

Okay, I'll write more this weekend. I'm heading to the Knicks game tonight and and I have to lace up my sneakers before I get there. The team is looking pretty weak this season and I have a feeling that I'm no more than two injuries away from knocking down a couple three's.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

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Harriet Miers has withdrawn her nomination to the Supreme Court in a move that is a major blow to the Bush administration. The debate will rage as to why she turned down the oppurtunity of a lifetime, but my sources tell me that is has something to do with the late-term abortion she is going to have later this week.

Yes, those suits she wears are rather slimming.

Tropical Storm Beta is forming in the Caribbean. Luckily for us, it's just a beta version, and not the full version. For $29.95 you can download the full version which includes floods, evacuations and looting.

According to the Drudge Report, the costs of the new "King Kong" movie have soared to over 207 million dollars. Turns out that Kong is off bananas and onto Faberge Eggs.

My missing friend is still missing. I asked another friend if I should do anything about it and he said, "No, people disappear."

Michael Jackson is looking to sell Neverland Ranch because of the high costs of maintaining the estate. He's thinking of moving into something smaller and more manageable, something like Castle Greyskull.

Iran's President yesterday said that he's like to see Israel "wiped off the map." Then he used the map to wipe some babaganoush off his chin.

I was going to say "falafel" there, but I think babaganoush is way funnier.

Heading out in a few minutes to get some keys made. Is a guy who makes keys known as The Keymaster, or just The Angry Key-Man?

Pretty chilly out there today. I think I'm gonna slice open a tauntaun and stay inside it for warmth.

"I thought they smell bad on the outside."

Great quote. For 100 million dollars, who said it?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

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Pics don't want to seem to load at the moment and I don't know if I'm up to posting without a visual. Lemme see...

Nope. Nothing.

I promise to write something worthy of your return if I can get pictures to load sometime later today. If pictures never load again, well, it's been a pleasure entertaining you.

Oh, one other thing. Note the Jon Corzine Google Ad to the right of this column. Good work Jon, now let's get rid of the beard. Trust me, that'll get you at least 6 percentage points.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

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Clearly, Jon Corzine, or the people running his self-funded campaign, are devoted readers of The Daily Dave. A couple days ago I mentioned that all the ads in his campaign against Doug Forrester have only been negative bashes of the other candidate. The following day I saw an ad by Corzine actually comparing his views with Forrester's. Then today, I saw a commercial with President Clinton saying positive things about Corzine. Good for you Jon, positivity is the way to go.

That bit of advice was free but I'm charging for my next round of insight. How about a stipend or a grant? For god's sake, you have more money than Bloomberg, help a brother out!

This posting is coming live from Starbucks, which I decided to trek to despite the persistent drizzle.

Rome has outlawed fish bowls, claiming they don't allow enough air for the fish and that their shape can cause fish to go blind. Here's three punchlines, in question form, for that premise...

1. Who knew Stevie Wonder grew up in a fish bowl?

2. How would you know if your fish was blind, is there a fish eye chart?

3. Who knew Ray Charles grew up in a fish bowl?

Yup, #3 is by far the best.

I apologize, in advance, to all of my blind readers.

That's it for now. I know this was brief, but the rain is making the wireless connection here more unreliable than usual. If I lose this bit of blind-fish humor it would be okay, but I don't think I could handle losing my bit about how the wheels in the cage can make a gerbil deaf. I'll just save that for a time when I'm writing from a more secure location.

Monday, October 24, 2005

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As my way of giving back to you guys for reading my ramblings, I will share this very precious information with you...

At Champagne Video on 79th and Amsterdam they are already selling and renting Revenge of the Sith. It's not supposed to be out until November 1st, but I've always considered this a renegade video-rental store, and once again it is proving why.

$4.25 to rent for one night
$29.95 to purchase

Please keep this between us because I haven't purchased my copy yet. If I get there and there are none left I'll have no choice but to unleash Revenge of the Comedian.

Moving along, I get nauseous when I see Ashley Simpson on TV.

Catherine Zeta-Jones just admitted that her life isn't perfect while talking to the ladies of The View. My world is now forever changed.

Anyone use Limewire? People keep telling me that it won't mess up your computer but I just don't believe it. I guess you could call me a non-believer of Limewire not messing up my computer.

Hangon, gonna start the eggs...

Ok, eggs are cooking, two eggs, over-medium, on wheat toast with American cheese.

Oh no! That lengthy desciption of the eggs might've caused me to burn the toast. Hangon...

Phew, I made it back just in time.

Oh no! I think I left the refrigerator door open when I got the orange juice. Hangon...

Phew, the monkey-brains didn't spoil.

Alright, I'm gonna eat the egg-sandwich and then head out to pick up another monkey or two. I'm having a little dinner party tonight, and it'd be embarrasing to not have enough monkey-brains. One time that happened to my aunt, and man, you never hear the end of something like that.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

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It's Sunday which means I don't plan on doing much today. My one mission is go get some of that sticky stuff to put a poster on the wall. It was raining yesterday and I decided not to leave the apartment so I tried to stick a poster on the wall by chewing gum and then using it. Not only doesn't Trident stick that well, now my apartment smells like Cherry flavored Trident.

I'm not complaining though, it's quite pleasant.

It's time for the Top Ten Google searches phrases that people use to come to The Daily Dave...

1. Horse Vagina
2. Dave Rubin
3. Woody Paige
4. Kyra Phillips
5. Artificial Horse Vagina
6. David Rubin
7. Hot Newscasters
8. Shepard Smith
9. Dave Rubin Comedy
10. Daryn Kagan

Congrats to Woody Paige of ESPN for not only making the list, but making his debut at the coveted number 3 spot. If you don't know Woody, check him out on ESPN's "Around the Horn."

Horse Vagina continues to be a big hit here. My mother must be so proud. As for the artificial horse vagina searches, I sincerely hope whoever is searching for that is in the horse-breeding business.

I'm also getting a bunch of hits from people at Myspace.com. Anyone know who that's coming from?

Senator Jon Corzine must read The Daily Dave because yesterday I finally saw a commercial for him that didn't simply bash his opponent but also said some nice things about the man himself. I guess now I'm not only a comedian and writer, but also political strategy maker.

Jon, as long as I've got your ear, consider shaving the beard, it makes you look a little too much like that guy from "Inside the Actors Studio."

Great article in the NY Post the other day about how Saturday Night Live should be cancelled. Of course, all the people quoted in the article were anonymous, so I'll do it publicly for them...SNL should be cancelled. If that's too harsh, at least get some fresh blood in there to fix it. Lorne, I know some people, call me.

Uh oh, I gotta run out and get some more gum, it looks like the clock is about to fall off the wall.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

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It's 10:45 am on a Saturday, and here I am posting for you. Don't let them ever say it was me who didn't try to make this relationship work.

I know, I know, I never came back yesterday, and you probably wondered what happened to me. Rest assured, I'm okay. There was an incident with the aquarium and it drained me both mentally and physically.

Anyway, I felt guilty all night for keeping you hanging so I just got some coffee and turned on the TV and here I am. HBO Comedy is showing "The Late Shift", which is the story of how Leno and Letterman duked it out for The Tonight Show. It's a great flick that gives a little insight to how the television industry works, or doesn't work, depending on how you look at it.

It's making me think about who my arch enemy in comedy will be. Yea, I can't stand Leno, but I mean someone who is a contemporary of mine. I need someone about my age who I can go at it with to fight over some show. It'll probably be to host Fear Factor: Homeless Edition, but I promise a hell of a fight. If anyone wants to be my arch enemy please let me know.

Quick world-news recap: Wilma is coming, Syria is assassinating people, DeLay is in court, birds have the flu, and I'm about to take a shower...

Friday, October 21, 2005

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Tell me Arnold isn't wishing he was still an actor right now so that he could rip that guys arm's off. I'm not sure who that guy is, nor why Arnold is giving him the glance of death, but I thought the pic was post-worthy.

I'll be back with a bigger post in a bit.

Ha, "I'll be back." I didn't even do that intentionally.

Accidental comedy. That's just how in-tune I am with the Comedy Matrix.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

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Quick drop-in from Starbucks on 81st and Broadway...

It took me 20 minutes to get a seat because after I got my coffee and was about to sit down, a woman with a baby-stroller (is there any other kind?), saw the same table I did and rammed the stroller into me, as if it were some sort of battering-ram. Interestingly, there was no child in the stroller, just a bag from Zabar's.

Now she is sitting slightly behind me, and if the reflection I can see in my laptop is correct, she is trying to read what I am writing right now. Look away woman! Look away!

Oh yea, if you read The Daily Dave and you have a website that you think would be worth trading links with, drop me an e-mail. It doesn't have to be comedy related, just interesting.

Hmm, I wonder if the woman behind me want's to trade links. Do you lady reading this right now as I type it? Do you? Do you?
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A new era of what we do here at The Daily Dave is about to begin. I've done a bunch of podcasts (listed to the left), mostly which consist of me babbling pointlessly. The exception to that is Podcast 5, which is my interview with Cobra Commander, that was a very important piece. Anyways, I plan on doing more with the podcasts and in a day or two I will be listed in iTunes. Then, I think, those of you with an iPod will be able to subscribe to my podcast and iTunes will automatically put the newest one on your iPod when you sync it up. Is any of this making sense?

The RSS feed you need to subscribe to is...

http://feeds.feedburner.com/TheDailyDave

Let me emphasize that I'm not really sure what I'm talking about here and if anyone has some insight into this I'm all ears. Figuratively, that is.

It's Doug Forrester vs. Jon Corzine for the race to be the next Governor of New Jersey. If I see one more commercial for one candidate that only bashes the other, without even saying anything positive about candidate paying for the ad, I'm going to start throwing stuff.

"Doug Forrester rased taxes 15 times...Doug Forrester doesn't believe in school vouchers...Doug Forrester smokes crack...Doug Forrester fucked your aunt..."

Yes, those are slight exaggerations. I think it said "snorts coke" instead of "smokes crack", but I felt that had more heft to illustrate the point.

President Bush met with Palestinian Authority President Abbas today. Abbas, knowing that today is opposite day, declared an end to the cycle of violence.

There's been a rash of burglaries in Long Island, which is where I'm from, and where my parents still reside. Fortunately, my parents have thrown out most of my childhood valuables so there isn't too much I'm worried about getting stolen.

Isn't it a sad day when you return to your home and see that your parents have turned your bedroom into a guest room, or a sewing room, or a shrine to Motley Crew?

In my case, they turned it into all three. Very bizarre.

"Jon Corzine takes money from big tobacco companies...Jon Corzine supports George Bush...Jon Corzine makes out with clowns...Jon Corzine fucked your aunt..."

My missing friend, who I don't have the money to hire a private investigator to find, is still missing. Seems like you can't really cheap out on a private invesigator, right? Maybe I'll call Dog the Bounty Hunter.

No, I've never watched the show either.

Oh, one last thing, I said a week or two ago that all these natural disasters aren't the result of god being angry at us. If Hurricane Wilma makes Florida an island, I'll officially retract that statement.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

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Not sure if 6:15 counts as "later this afternoon", but I am back, and since I do this for free, you can just keep the complaints to yourself. Or sue me. Go ahead, I dare you.

The Parents Television Council, a cleverely named council of parents who guard television for everyone else, has come out with a list of TV programs that are the worst for family viewing. "Family Guy" was one of their big targets, despite the fact that Fox puts up a warning that the show is for mature audiences. The council claimed that Fox is peddling the show to families simply because it is in cartoon form. Using that logic I suppose that if pornography was in cartoon form that would then also be for family viewing.

Hmm, that gives me an idea. Gotta go...
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Sadaam's trial began yesterday and not surprisingly he pleaded not guilty. I just can't wait for the Johnny Cochran style glove-moment during the trial. "If the fatwa doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

Correction from yesterday's post. I thought I was sent Herbie Hancock stuff yesterday but it turned out to be John Coltrane. I really love jazz, especially jazz with no words. Generally speaking I like things with no words. Believe me, if I could do this blog with no words, I would, really.

Actually, lemme try to think of something and you see if you can guess it..


(Focus...Focus...Fuckus...I mean Focus...)


If you were thinking about how good nap time was in Kindergarten then you're right. Well done. Well done indeed.

I write The Daily Dave from my HP laptop which I would highly recommend, though recently I noticed that it was heating up quite a bit. I called tech support and within two days they sent me a new AC adapter at no charge. Unfortunately, I've lost over 4 million sperm in the time that I wasted before calling.

Let's have a moment of silence for lost sperm. And another. Okay, one more.

I've got a bunch of stuff to do today so that's it for this post though I will to try to write something later this afternoon. Obviously, I can't get into the specifics what I have to do now but I will tell you that it will start on the east side, in the high 50's, and end somewhere downtown. If you can figure out it, you'll win a free aardvark.

Yea, nobody claimed it yesterday. I'm as shocked as you are.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

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Yup, I'm using another one of these hurricane pictures today as Wilma looks to slam into Florida any day now. Well, either that, or the Predator is in a spaceship high above our atmosphere just watching us and waiting...

As I mentioned once before Predator is my second favorite Arnold movie, right behind Total Recall. If three-breasted women are the only by-product of breathing the Mars atmosphere then sign me up!

I finally got that female aardvark and now it hasn't rained in days. How typical of God? He just wants us to do all the preparation and then he decides when and if to do the natural disaster. Well, if any of you want an aardvark I'd be willing to part with one of them. They're both house trained and they're surprisingly pleasant to cuddle with.

So I was on Splenda for a couple days but now I'm back to Equal. Does anyone know the difference between the two? And please no wise-asses saying "the color of the packaging."

If you have another wise-ass comment however, I'd love to hear it.

Special thanks to the person who sent me some Herbie Hancock stuff via the internet.

I know the FBI constantly checks in here at The Daily Dave, so I want to stress it was a legal file transfer. Yes, a legal music transfer over the internet.*

*Depending on what year's law you are looking at. I'm looking at the Internet Music Sharing Law of 1976.

Can someone remind President Bush that one of the basic tenants of our government is that we have Seperation of Powers? That means if he appoints his cronies to the Supreme Court that one day we will no longer have that seperation and then Bush and his people will have some sort of facist-dictatorial rule over us. Some people think he knows this already and that's why he's doing it, but I'm not quite ready to give him that much credit.

CNN airs "CNN International" here in America at 12:00 pm eastern time. The anchors are British, so to really get into it I have tea and crumpets while I read all kinds of dish about the Queen in The Daily Mirror.

No, I don't know what crumpets are either. I just have Entenmann's chocolate cookies and pretend that they are crumpets.

Former Secretary of State Madeliene Albright is going to be on an upcoming episode of "Charmed." First Alyssa Milano, then Shannon Daugherty and now Madeleine Albright. Man, the WB sure know's how to get all the naughty girls.

Working on a couple big things to be unvieled around Thanksgiving. Finally, something to truly be thankful for. Well that, and those silly Indians for trading it all for a couple beads.

Okay, heading out to my bead making class. See ya later.

Monday, October 17, 2005

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Rocky 6 is official, and aptly titled, "Rocky Balboa." They settled on that name after debating several others including: "Tired Old Franchise", "Part Five Was Terrible", "We're Sorry" and "Sylvester Has To Pay For His Gaudy Lifestyle Somehow."

The plot will include Rocky making it all the way back to fight the newly-crowned boxing champion. In the fight, the cocky champion will not have read the contract and will be forced to fight in a blindfold match. This will give Rocky the advantage because earlier in the movie he will have been blinded by a perfume sprayed in his eyes by the champ.

Oh wait a sec, that's not from Rocky 6, that's what happened between Jake "The Snake" Roberts and Rick "The Model" Martel, in Wrestlemania 5.

Tropical Storm Wilma could threaten the Gulf Coast sometime next week. Fred and Barney meanwhile are are at the local bowling alley instead of being at work.

Went to Brooklyn yesterday, down by the water, and suddenly found myself amongst the hipster's and the hipster-wannabee's. I blended in as a wannabee hipster-wannabee.

They had all kinds of art showings there, many of which looked like something you did in 3rd grade art class and several others looked like something that you could find in your garbage. I actually bought a pile of garbage for 50 bucks. You've gotta support your local starving artists, who, according to their garbage, eat a lot of White Castle.

Actually, it was fun getting out of Manhattan. It was the first time I went below 72nd Street during the daytime since 1997.

Is daytime one word?

Watched the movie "Sideways" for the first time the other night. Great buddy flick with real characters and fantastic acting. Yes, everyone in the movie was a raging alcoholic, but somehow it seems less bad when it's wine instead of scotch.

Someone just recommended that I listen to Herbie Hancock's "Chameleon." Can anyone else second this recommendation?

The White Sox have made the World Series for the first time since 1917. I remember that series like it was yesterday. I had just put a down payment on my first horse and we were about to move the family to the big city so that I could follow my dream of tap-dancing.

Al Roker is coming out with some sort of dog reality show. A cow and a dog on a show together, who woulda thunk?

Yes, I could've done something more thought out and witty with that, and Al isn't really fat anymore, but frankly I don't think a dog reality show deserves much better.

Quick Modern-Lingo Update - Ubersexual is the new metrosexual which is the old homosexual.

Interesting interview by Barbara Walters with the Saudi King aired this weekend. He said that he's trying to make things better for women in Saudi Arabia. Then he demanded that Barbara blow him.

I did that purely for the visual. Enjoy!

Watching a commercial for Wellbutrin XL right now, and a woman just said, "I take it so I'm ready for the day." Ugh, these commercials make me sick. Just try Starbucks, lady. Starbucks with 7 sugars, some ground up valium and a shot of oxycotin.

Gotta go prepare the aquarium. I'm thinking of getting some new fish today. Yup, I'm really thinking about it. Maybe even considering it. We shall see.

Friday, October 14, 2005

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Chewbacca is about to become a naturalized American. The Wookiee, who I thought was from the planet Kashyyyk, is actually from England. Next we'll find out that Yoda isn't from the Degobah System, but actually from Australia.

There is a big debate amongst Star Wars people as to why an eight-foot tall Wookie would move to Endor, where he was surrounded by two-foot tall Ewoks. It's an important debate, and I'll be sure to keep you abreast of it.

Steven Spielberg and Electronic Arts are teaming up to make video-games for the new consoles, like the X-Box 360. Their first release will be "Schindler's List 2: Schindler Returns."

The rain continues here as does my search for that female aardvark. I tried to go to "Aardvark's 'R' US" in Jersey but the whole place was flooded and ransacked.

I just realized there's now way to type out a reverse "R". Geoffory the Giraffe must have some super-advanced typewriter or something.

Apple, in an effort to make everything they introduce one week earlier obsolete, has introduced the video iPod. Next week they will unviel an iPod that will teleport you to the nearest spaceship, ala Star Trek. The week after that they'll invent an iPod that will teleport you to the nearest Star Trek convention. The week after that they'll invent one that will take you directly to William Shatner's house. The week after that they invent one that will take you to Leonard Nemoy's chateau in France. Feel free to add more of these lines related to other Star Trek characters as you feel necessary.

Anyone else have a friend that just dissapeared one day and you don't have the money to hire a private investigator to find out what happened to him?

Believe it or not, I can still watch "Who Want's to be a Millionaire?", and thoroughly enjoy it. Meredith is such a flirt.

Hmm, not too much else in the news today except for some Karl Rove stuff. He's a bad dude, we get it, we get it. For my last Star Wars reference today (it's been awhile anyways), isn't there something about him that reminds you of Chancellor Palpatine? He's secretly the Sith Lord, just pulling all the strings until he takes over power of the Empire. The only real difference between the two of them is that Rove has slightly better skin tone than Palpatine.

Okay, that's for me, I gotta finish building this ark. I made the ostrich cage too small and now I think one of them has scoliosis.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

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From Gawker.com via Radar...

"According to "an analyst," GE CEO Jefferey Immelt has "got a silver bullet with Zucker's name on it."

The piece goes on to talk about how Zucker has made a mess of the NBC News as well as rolling out the current NBC schedule.

Now, I thought you needed a silver bullet to kill a werewolf or Dracula, but apparently it will also kill the otherwise indestructible network executive. Finally, the secret has been revealed!

Zucker, who has helped wreck TV by rolling out so many reality shows at the expense of real programming deserves that silver bullet. Yea, maybe it isn't wise for me to say that on here, but it isn't the first time and won't be the last time.

Years ago we sent Zucker "The Anti Show", which we filmed in NBC studios (unknown to him), and he never even bothered to respond to us. That was just one opportunity he had to take a chance on something completely oringinal, edgy and ahead of the curve. Instead he green-lit dozens of awful reality shows and a couple stale sitcoms. Karma is a bitch Jeff, but don't worry, it sounds like you'll be put out of your misery soon.

I do love karma.

But Dave, isn't it bad karma to wish someone getting fired? I don't think so, I'm not actually wishing it, I'm just reporting facts that seem to already be in motion. Yea, yea, that's it.

Okay, moving on, the rain continues to pour here and I still can't find that female aardvark in my quest to get two of every animal. I went to Chinatown to find one and they kept pushing a cat dressed-up like an aardvark on me. No thank you, good sir.

Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad says that "America should re-evaluate what's going on in Iraq." Maybe Bashar should re-evaluate the public beheadings that go on in Damascus each and every day.

CNN's Situation Room used Kyra Phillips and that shaved-head guy who's name I can't remember, to fill-in for Wolf Blitzer yesterday. Dare I say it was a lot better. Don't worry Wolf, I'm not endorsing a silver bullet, I'm just saying Kyra is really good.

Steven Spielberg has invented a technology that he calls the "future of cinema." Rumors are circulating that it includes making movies with endings that actually make sense.

Damn, I'm on a roll today. Good thing for me that it's the Day of Atonement tommorrow.

China has launched two Chinese astronauts into outer-space for the first time. Insert corny joke about a Chinese delivery man here.

Last thought for today...

I have a flashback to 1989 everytime they see a commercial for "A Current Affair."

And now I'm about to have a current affair with some eggs, see ya later.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

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Read today's earlier posting before this one...

So after I post that, I was walking to the gym when a girl stopped me on the street and said, "Are you an animal lover?" I noticed that she was holding a folder for "The North Shore Animal League" which is a pet shelter out on Long Island. Since she asked, I told her all about the plight of the hamsters at Petland and about my idea to build a huge system of habitrails to lead them to freedom.

Long story short, don't joke around with people from the North Shore Animal League.

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President Bush is speaking at a school re-opening in Mississippi as i write this. He is so calm, cool, and collected as he speaks to five to nine year olds. He hasn't fudged any words, nor done that thing where he tightens his lips and moves them to the right. Looks like little Bushie is really growing into himself. All it took was being surrounded by people on his intellectual level.

If any of you are big animal freaks I'd recommend going to the Petland Discounts on 72nd and Columbus. They keep all the hamsters right under the air conditioning ducts which is causing around twenty hamsters to jam into a little wooden house that shouldn't fit more than four or five of them. When they come out to eat it's like a hamster clown car. I said something something to the hamster-guy about it but he seemed to think I was joking.

I'm thinking about building a giant Habitrail as an escape route for them but I'll need somebody to create a distraction at the cash register. Will you step up to the plate and help some freezing Hamsters? Will you? Will you?

I just realized that I started that hamster story by saying, "If any of you are big animal freaks." That might've been a bit harsh and callous, so let's go ahead and change that to "If any of you are pro-hamster."

Two people this week have mentioned to me something that I try not to think about but keeps coming back to haunt me. No, not the night I lost my virginity. Two simple words...

Tom Hanks.

Yup, Tom Hanks.

I'm going to give the brief version of this story because I need to save the long version for a real interview/my manifesto, but here we go...

One night a couple years ago Tom was on the Tonight Show to promote "Castaway." It was right before Chistmas and he was talking about all these toys, such as the Carebears and Power Rangers. I was noticing that some of the stuff he was saying was amazingly close to my material at the time, and he was even saying it pretty much how I was saying it. Then he went into this whole thing about the Tranformers, about how they transform from robots into cars. He ended by singing a version of the Transformers theme song in the voice of Frank Sinatra.

By this time I was freaking out, because the Transformer part was basically exactly what I was doing at the time, though slightly dumbed down. I did a bit about Soundwave transforming into a cassette player. I also did something about the theme song. As I sat there freaking out, I got a call from Andrew Tavani telling me to turn on the Tonight Show because Tom Hanks was using my material. While we were on the phone his girlfriend called him to say the same thing. It was pretty much as close to an out-of-body experience as you can have.

Eventually, the NY Post got wind of this and put a piece in "Page 6". The TV show "Inside Edition" came to the Comedy Cellar to interview me, but I really wouldn't say anything because I didn't want to make a big deal of it and my guess was that Tom didn't know it was stolen material in the first place. The segment never aired, I assume because I wouldn't give them anything juicy enough.

Dave, why would Tom Hanks steal your material, and how would he even get it in the first place? Good questions. As you probably know, when any actor goes on one of these shows all the questions/answers and jokes are pre-written. It was very clear to me that Tom was just doing material he had been given. So no, I don't think Tom had any idea what was going on. I think he paid some writer for some material and some writer gave him stolen stuff. It's not the first time it has happened, nor the last time it will happen, it just sucks when it happens to you.

I'm pretty sure I know who gave him the material, but that I won't say until there is more worth in telling this story.

Looking back, it's actually good that this happened, because it really helped shape how I've become a good comic. I stopped doing just material and really learned how to do crowdwork and be in-the-moment, two things that are lost in today's stand up scene. So, I guess shit happens, and you just gotta figure out how to do something good with it. Kind of like how Tina Turner ran Bartertown on pig shit in "Madmax and the Thunderdome."

Yup, just like that.

Monday, October 10, 2005

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The ladies of The View are talking about whether we're at "the beginning of the end." You know I'm a big supporter of these women, but this is the most ridiculous conversation I've ever heard. One sec, I gotta listen to this...

Ahhh, now there debating whether we can blame god for everything going on. Personally, I don't believe that god even thinks about us at all. He started this little chemistry project a long time ago and is now onto bigger and better universes. He probably checks what's on TV every now and then and goes right back to creating other civilizations.

Note I wrote "god" with a small "g" as opposed to the capital "G" that most people use. Yes, I said note it. I'll even note it, too. There, now it's duly noted.

Anyone got any idea's as to how I can actually make money off this site? I know, it's crazy, actually profitting off your work, but I am one crazy motherfucker.

I caught the opening few minutes of Saturday Night Live the other night. It was really awful, and the guy who does Bush should start looking for other work.

David Lee Roth is going to replace Howard Stern in many markets once Howard moves to Siruis. It was going to be me, but I demanded a Hawaiian Punch water fountain in the lobby.

Yes, I know that Adam Sandler had a Hawaiian Punch water fountain in "Mr. Deeds" but that doesn't mean I can't have one. Mr. Deeds was not a true story, it was just based on a true story. The true version of that was "Brewster's Millions."

Yanks-Angels game 5 tonight. I'm gonna say Yanks 6, Angels 5. I'll be within five runs for either team for sure.

It's still drizzling out here, as it has been for the past few days. I mentioned in my last posting about going out to get two of every animal just in case, but it's impossible to find an ardvark on the Upper West Side. If I have to go all the way down to Chinatown for one I'm gonna be seriously pissed.

Speaking of which, I gotta pee. Later.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

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I continue to use the NYC subway system despite the horrific smell, umm, I mean terror warning.

Lotsa weird eye contact happening on the subway these days as everyone is checking everyone else out to make sure they don't look shady or are carrying a briefcase. Ironcially, I've been saying for years that the shadiest people out there are the ones carrying briefcases.

In non-NYC news, the Earth continues to revolt against humanity, this time with a huge Earthquake in India/Pakistan. Maybe we should send the Earth some chocolates or flowers or a nice card or something, it's obviously pissed at us.

Sprayed Febreeze on my couch today. While I haven't buried my head in the couch in an effort to sniff it out as much as possible, it does smell very pleasant. I had to spray it on the couch after noticing that every now and again the couch would fart. Yes, literally fart. Every so often there would be a sound and then a smell. I wouldn't have believed it either unless I had experienced it for myself. Tommorrow I'll tell you about my burping shower.

Fox is promoting a rerun of Prison Break as a "Special Encore Presentation." In my day we called that a repeat.

Boy George faces 15 years in prison after a drug bust. Fortuantely for him, nobody knows what his face really looks like.

Iran's stock market dropped 30% yesterday. Can you imagine what it smells like on the trading floor of the Iran Stock Exchange? Nobody there wears deoderant for God's sake. If you want help to turn it around I'd recommend putting all your money in Allah Body Spray. Women will pull down there burka's as low as their nose if they smell it.

Yes, I've noticed an over-abundance of smell-related humor here at the Daily Dave. No more this month unless I go to a bean eating contest.

Is burka the right word for that sentence or is a burka the whole outfit, and the head part is called something else? If I wasn't so lazy I'd go to www.whatsupwithburkas.com to find out.

Okay, gotta go, it's been raining all day today and it's supposed to stay like this all week. I'm heading out to pick up some wood and get two of every animal just in case.

Friday, October 07, 2005

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Mayor Bloomerberg rode the subway this morning to show solidarity with the commuters of New York. As a show of solidarity with the rich elite of New York I will be riding a helicopter to the Rainbow Room later this afternoon.

Actually, I give Bloomberg credit for taking charge of everything in the city and I defintely will vote for him next month. Not that there are great options, Freddy Ferrer seems like he got his ass kicked a lot in middle school.

Apparently there was a "green soapy substance" coming out of a Pepsi bottle in Penn Station today. Speaking of Penn Station, if you ever want to smell the worse thing known to humanity go to the downstairs bathroom by the Long Island Rail Road and take a whiff. Truly horrific.

I'm about to head to Commerce Bank with my pretzel jar of change. Anyone wanna take the over/under on 75 bucks?

London is planning a "Sexual Theme Park". The anal rollercoaster is supposed to be one of the tightest rides ever.

I probably could've done more with that.

Ashley Simpson is the musical guest on Saturday Night Live this week. I remember a time when people actually watched Saturday Night Live. It was back when the musicians actually sang the songs and the show was actually funny. Where have you gone Dana Carvey?

Got a little headache right now, must be the bird flu that everyone is talking about. In case I don't make it, I want you to know that it's been a pleasure entertaining you.

Well, the real pleasure has been pleasuring myself, but you're cool, too.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

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Back in action here at the Daily Dave, I hope that your Tuesday and Wednesday were doable without me.

This morning I was heading to the gym and about ten feet before I walked in I realized that I didn't have my keys. All I did have in my hand were my earphones, which, while they come in very handy, don't do much for you when you are locked out of your apartment. I couldn't even call anyone because in the age of cell phones I can no longer remember anyone's phone number.

Fortunately, the guy at the bodega downstairs lent my his metro card and I picked up my roomate's keys. In the past I've had my suspicions that the bodega guy works for al-Queda, but on this day he was a good man.

You might be wondering why we have a Fisher-Price lock on the door, but that's a story for another day.

President Bush gave a speech this morning saying that we're not going to give up the War on Terror. Phew, cuz I thought we were about to throw in the towel. Good old stubborn Bush.

I just stopped writing this for about 4 hours to do a bunch of random nonsense. How is it that random nonsense can be so time consuming?

My grandma asked me why I haven't been on the Jay Leno show yet. I told her we had a falling out.

Anyone else freaked out by the Bush-Clinton commercial to raise money for the victims of hurricane Katrina? I feel like someone has a gun behind both their heads.

Oh great, I'm reading on CNN.com that there is a specific threat against the NYC subway. Now where am I going to get my turkey sandwich on hearty italian bread with all the fixin's I can eat?

Damn terrorists, I was thinking of seeing a movie downtown and now I might have to go to something within walking distance. There goes stadium seating for "In Her Shoes."

Okay, that's it for today, I'm gonna go to the kitchen and raise out color-coordinated terror-chart.

Monday, October 03, 2005

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Despite the Red Sox 10-1 spanking of the Yankees yesterday, the Yanks clinched their 8th straight division title over the weekend. The Yanks did lose home field advantage for the first round however, when Texas manager Buck Showalter pulled his best players from the lineup, thus allowing the Angels to comeback for a 7-4 win. Many of the Yanks were irked at the move by Showwalter who had this to say...

"Those guys posted up everyday. They deserved that cookie."

Hmm, interesting. A major league manager that uses cookies as incentive. I'm thinking he gives out black and white cookies, possibly chocolate chip.

Started playing X-Men Legends 2 yesterday. Finally I can control both good guys and bad guys. For those of you into politics more than videogames, it'd be like controlling both houses of Congress.

Well, sort of, both houses of Congress are evil, but just pretend.

Fantasia, the winner of American Idol, just admitted she can't read. I'd write something funny about that here, but since she wouldn't be able to read it, I don't think it would be fair.

I won't be posting until Thursday because I'll be back home for the next few days for Rosh Hashanah, aka the Jewish New Year. I'd imagine I'll come back with all kinds of hilarious stories about the family. That's what holidays are all about, right?

Tom DeLay says his indictment is "politically movitated". I wonder if him attacking President Clinton was politically motivated, or if he just really cared about the White House intern program.

That's it for today, I have to buy confetti and party hats and champagne for the New Year. See ya in 5766!