Friday, April 29, 2005

A couple people have mentioned to me that I could put up some text ads here using Google's AdWare program to make a little cash form Rubinville. I have consistently rebuked the idea and let me know say I will never put sponsors on this website because this is a forum for free thought and open and honest dialogue.

But Dave, you say, if this were a forum there would be an option to post comments. Well okay, I'm gonna look into it. But I don't like this whole idea of you jamming things down my throat.

I spoke to Billy Crystal last night for a moment after I saw him walking out of his show, "700 Sundays" on 44th Street. He was clearly exhausted from the show, but was friendly and offered me up a couple words of encouragement after I told him I'm a comic from Long Island just like him, and that I started Joe Franklin's Comedy Club. Billy used to do an impression of Joe Franklin on Saturday Night Live.

Anyways, the point of this continues the string of good interactions I've had with some of the big names of comedy, like Seinfeld, Cosby and now Crystal. I've also had a couple good talks with Gilbert Gottfried, just not sure if he falls into the "big names" category.

Here's my e-mail to Ellen for today...

Hey Ellen,

Something came up and I was wondering if I could borrow 2000 dollars.


Okay, what else is going on? Oh yea, I recently made the switch from my usual Right Guard Gel to Axe Body Spray. I think there's a bit of a learning curve on making the move to a spray and I'm still not sure how much I like it. However, I do feel a lil cooler when I'm spraying myself, so that's nice.

Apparently one of the finalists in American Idol was once involved in a cocaine bust. Shut up! Someone in LA involved in cocaine? It's like just when you think you know whats going on in the world something crazy like this happens and you have to re-evaluate important stuff.

Stealing iPods is now the number one subway crime in NYC. Kids are just running up to people and snagging the iPod out of their pocket when they see the white headphones. That's why I've switched to black headphones. Not only that, I don't even connect them to anything, I just leave black headphones in my ears with the cord dangling in my pocket. And lemme tell you, I've never felt safer.

Last night the major networks all cut-off President Bush literally in mid-sentence to get back to their sweeps shows, which included seeing Paris Hilton on Fox, the Apprentice on NBC and Survivor on CBS. Now, as a comedian I have a vested interest in listening to President Bush speak but even beyond the comic worth, we really have a problem when the networks are pulling this shit. Who is in charge anymore? Cuz, I mean, I was just getting comfortable with knowing the government was watching and controlling me, but if it's the networks now, I just don't think I could handle that.

Unlesss it was Bravo, their brand of reality TV can control me anyday.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

As some of you may know every other day or so I send Ellen Degeneres an e-mail with no specific point. Sometimes I just update her on things I'm doing, sometimes I ask a random question, sometimes I rant about politics. I've been doing this for about a year and have yet to get even one response back. So today it hit me, maybe Ellen isn't even getting my e-mails and they are being filtered out by some assistant or intern. So starting today, whenever I send Ellen an e-mail I'm also going to post a copy of it here in the Daily Dave. Here's what I sent today...


I'm starting to think by your lack of responses to my emails that someone else is reading your emails. Who is this person? What qualifies them to read things in your name? How do they decide what gets passed onto you?

I realize that this person is reading this right now and thus probably won't pass it along, but I just want to say to that person that Ellen would really like to read this email and if you stop her from doing so, you are really stopping freedom of speech, which is the most American thing out there, and Ellen is pro-America, is she not??


Now I suppose we wait and see. The ball is in your court Ellen...

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Heya, folks, long time no write...

So my laptop basically exploded the other day causing me to have to buy a new one. Once again, thank god for no-APR credit cards. After the explosion of the first laptop, I freaked out because all my writing is on there from the past 7 years of being in "the biz". My freaking lasted only about 3 hours though because my roomate was able to retrieve my stuff though I think the porn is lost forever.

(Insert sobbing and crying here.)

One nice thing about retrieving these docuements was that I found a book that wrote a couple years back and then just abuptly ended because I couldn't think of an ending. Well, I'm working on it again now, with a goal of figuring out the ending by 2028.

Many people know about my hatred of cats. Someone asked me the other day to explain a little bit into why I hate these deranged, sick animals. While I think I'll save the full story for the book, I will tell you a little bit here. First off, I'm incredibly allergic to cats and suddenly can't breathe when they are around, which is compounded my itchy and watery eyes that render me almost blind. Since braeathing and seeing are two of my favorite senses, this is not a good combination.

A couple years back my grandma decided that she wanted a cat despite the fact that most of my family is allergic to them. Hmm, maybe it was a not-so-subtle hint, now that I think of it. Anyway, despite my allergies I went to the ASPCA with her several times to find a cat. Foolishly I even went into the cat room itself which is basically wall to wall with cages of dozens of cats, all pissing, hissing and doing several other "ing's". During the visit to the cat room I had some sort of super human allergic episode and was in a constant vegetative state for almost a month after. My family tried to have my feeding tube removed but thank's to a federal government more than happy to overstep its boundaries the feeding tube remained and I survived.

A few weeks later I went to a very high-end pet store in NYC to find a cat since hey wouldn't allow me back into the ASPCA. My grandma spoke to a very nice guy at the pet store and seemed to find a cat she liked. She was playing with the cat and it was purring and seemingly have a good time when my grandma turned to the guy and said something I bet nobody has even heard their grandmother say before...

"Can you hold it up, so that I can see it's anus?"

Yup, that's what she said. I did a double-take. What in the hell was my grandma talking about? Why would she want to see the cats anus? And who wants to even hear their grandma saying anus? It was a disaster at every level. In any event, the man gladly showed her his anus, I mean the cats anus, and she purchased the cat.

Since then I can only sit on one chair at my grandmas apartment and if I breathe too heavily or move to fast I end up in a sneezing fit. My grandma refers to the cat as my aunt, as if it's her daughter, but the day I call a cat my aunt, well, that'll be the day I'm a monkey's uncle.

Which reminds me of a whole other story that I'll tell you another time.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The new Pope was installed today, a German named Joseph Ratzinger. Good to see him getting a job after doing nothing for so many years since playing the mailman on "Cheers".

Getting some nice feedback about the Tavani/Rubin podcast. If you've got some other ideas just let us know and we'll get the team of monkey's at type-writers on it ASAP. If you haven't checked it out yet, click on the video page, and it is Podcast 3.

I think I mentioned that we had a group of high-school Unitarians come to the club on Friday night. If you've never performed for Unitarians before I'd only recommend one thing...Don't say you are for anything, are not for anything, or are indifferent about anything. Basically pretend to be a politician.

Actually, the kids were totally cool and really bright. Ya, that's right, bright people at a comedy club. Weird, wild stuff.

Went running in Central Park today. It's amazing how many people are trying to get in shape for the summer. Since I'm one of those people I won't make fun of them, except for the ridiculously fat people who no matter how hard they try will never look good for this summer. I think that if you are running/working-out for a summer that isn't in the current calendar year that you should be kept in a seperate section like the cows that you are.

The Star Wars: Episode III book is now out in stores. I haven't read it but I do have a hunch that Darth Vader is going to be the main bad guy.

The Yankees are sucking it up pretty good so far this season. Hmm, makes you wonder if a group of old, highly overpaid athletes might not have the fire that a bunch of young players with something to prove have.

It's the same reason that at this very moment, me with nothing but hunger is funnier then even legendary joke-man Henny Youngman.

Oh wait, he's dead.

Take my dead comedian...please...

Monday, April 18, 2005

Amazing day out today so I'm heading to Central Park to throw around a baseball. I should mention that I will be throwing it around with a friend and not doing the rare one-man version of "catch".

New Podcast up today. This is my third one, but the first with NYC's own writing-rebel, Andrew Tavani. It's a half hour show and we even put music in it! Yea, nobody can stop us now. The show is listed on video page here at Rubinville. Might take a lil time to download especially if you don't have a fast connection, but I promise it's worth it.

Bigger entry coming either later today or tommorrow, but a quick retraction from a recent entry. I mentioned the high school kids from Ramses high School, it turns out it is actually Ramsey High School. Ramses is actually a condom, though I prefer Trojan Extra Large.

They make great water balloons.

Over and out.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Just saw a commercial for "8 Simple Rules" on ABC. It said there is a secret so shocking that "it will upset even special guest Nicole Ritchie!"

(Insert coked-up whore joke here)

Gary Sheffield of the Yanks smacked a fan in Boston yesterday after the fan wacked him across the head while he was trying to play a ball against the right-field wall. Note where I chose to place the words "smacked" and "wack" in that sentence. Sometimes words make all the difference.

Adam Sandler's "Wedding Singer" is going to be on Broadway in 2006. I would've preferred "Billy Madison", which I saw over 300 times while stoned during my sophmore year of college.

A high-school senior in Orlando Florida bit off a classmates ear during a fight yesterday. Originally charges were filed but they were later dropped when it turned out the were in their 3rd period "How to be more like Mike Tyson" class.

How many quotes will I use in this entry? Defintely some sort of record today.

Finished up another week as a stand in for ESPN's Stump the Schwab. Television is really a great industry, basically you just stand around listening to music and then "take 5" every 10 minutes. I think you guys should start taking 5 at your jobs.

"Johnson, where is the T-500 report that you were supposed to have finished for today's meeting?"

"Umm, I uhhh, well, uhhh, hey, let's take 5!"

"Good idea Johnson"

It says something about how out of the working world I am that when I come up with a working-man bit, I can only think of the name Johnson. And on top of that the only report I could think of was the T-500, which I'm pretty sure was an older model of the Terminator.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Eating Frosted Flakes while I write this. That's what we call multi-tasking.

The weather in NYC has been absolutely beautiful the past few days. It will never cease to amaze me how people are just so much happier and pleasant when the sun is shining. I didn't consider killing anyone at any point yesterday. That's in stark contrast to the winter when I consider killing about 10 people a day and usually actually make good on it two or three times a week.

Shout out to those crazy kids from Ramses High School (I think thats what they said), who were at the 8:30 show on Saturday. A special shout out to the asian girl up front who wouldn't even let me get a joke out before she told me that she loves oragami and calculus.

Apparently Tiger Woods did some really amazing comeback yesterday at the Masters. Did you know you get a green jacket for winning the Masters? Where do you even wear a green jacket? Now he has four of them, I mean this guy must been some crazy closet space.

Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano got hit in the head by a line drive in the third inning of yesterday's game. Reminded me of the time I got a hit, once, in little league.

Yea, back then I wasn't the highly-tuned athelete that you all know me to be now. Speaking of which, my new hoops team is 1-0 with our second game this Thursday. Tickets are 37.50 for courtside, 22.50 for the mezzanine, and 14.75 for upper-tier.

Maury Povich is on ESPN's Cold Pizza right now. He's wearing so much makeup that he is starting to look like Connie Chung.

Doesn't Connie Chung sounds like a type of infectious disease?

"Dude, that's a pretty bad cough you got there"

"Yea, I've got a bad case of Connie Chung."

It's 62 degrees according to NY1 News. That's right around my jacket cutoff temperature. I'm hoping that by the time I finish typing this that we'll hit 65 and I can have a jacket-less day.

I just realized that the second jacket comment I've made in this entry. Maybe I'm really having jacket-envy of Tiger.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Just had the TV on mute in the background and I glanced up and saw a woman in a bikini with completely off-color, orange skin. Turned out to be a commercial for Hollywood Tans. Thank god, I thought I sat on the tint button on the remote control.

I received an e-mail from someone who visited Rubinville for the first time. After saying "the site is much fancier than I expected", the person went on to ask a few important questions about what we do here at Rubinville. So, instead of just writing back specifically to this person, I thought I'd open this whole thing up for all of you good people...

Question 1: What's the forecast for Rubinville this year?

The Rubinville forecast for this time of year is very similiar to the forecast for Saturn's largest moon, Europa.

Question 2: What is the main export? I assume funny.

Actually, funny is not the main export of Rubinville, contrary to popular belief. The main export is long winded, usually pointless sentences that often go nowhere and have little to do with anything relevant or important to the world in which we live.

Question 3: Are there any natural wonders in Rubinville?

There are two natural wonders, only one of which I can write about here because this is a family website. The one I can write about is the the Rubinville Dyke which is the only man-made dyke made out of 100 percent out of old jokes.

Question 4: All roads in Rubinville lead to...(fill in the blank)

Existential Bliss.

Those were the 4 questions I deemed most important. Betcha didn't know you could even make a dyke out of old jokes, did you?

In non-Rubinville news, Britney Spears is getting a reality show on UPN. Britney is very talented and needs more TV exposure. The previous sensence is a PUN.

I think its a pun, at least. And if it isn't a pun then you know what I was going for, so just pretend.

That's what Rubinville is all about. Me not knowing exactly what I'm writing, and you finishing up the job.

Which reminds me about the time I went to the ________ and slipped on a small _____. When I regained consciousness there was a _______ on my ________. It sure felt ______ and _______.

Ok, that's it for today. I'm gonna go _______. I haven't since yesterday.

Friday, April 01, 2005

As promised, here is the way-overdue update...

I've been doing a day gig for ESPN for a few days, as a stand-in for a gameshow called, "Stump the Schwab". Basically, they take sports geeks from all over the world and they have to beat Howie Schwab, a man who knows more about sports than Steven Hawking knows about eletric wheelchairs.

Or astro-physics, for that matter.

I didn't have to do much besides stand/sit whereever they wanted me to, and occasioanlly read some stuff of a cue card. Actually, the whole thing was inspiring to be back in a studio, with the cameras on, and the craft service table full of food. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love gummy bears.

Conservative columnist/politician Pat Robertson got doused with salad dressing at a speaking event in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Isn't Kalamazoo a funny name?

Ted Kopell is officially leaving Nightline which means that ABC will be looking for and 11:30 host of some sort of talk show. Rumor has it that Ellen Degeneres is in the front running, but I'd like to start a rumor that I'm in a close second for the gig. Run with that rumor, folks. Run, run, run.

Speaking of rumors, I think Dick Vitale is a cocaine addict. But only during the Final Four.

Got a wedding tonight out in Long Island. I've decided not to stay at the hotel near the reception and instead drive back into the city. Yea, that's right, a wedding without drinking. A questionable decision, at best.

Ok, I must shower and shave, I look like Tom Hanks in "Castaway" and I just got into an aruement about the right to die with a volleyball.