Tuesday, August 31, 2004

The Republicans are here in full force. Yes, that happy bunch of open-minded, free-thinking peaceniks is here and the rest of us just have to deal with it. They've brought with them thousands of protesters who, normally are more my kind of people, but many of them need deoderant, and all of them need to shower.

The highlight of the convention last night was Rudy Guiliani's speech. He made some good points about not backing down to terror and how the US must lead the world in the fight for freedom. I just feel bad for the people sitting in the first few rows because his lisp seems rather pronounced and that means a lot of spit was flying.

The city is otherwise dead besides the Republicans and the protesters. The club was pretty emtpy last night and bars and restaurants everywhere were light as well. Once again Republicans screwing me over. First it was my mom not being able to have me aborted, then this.

That was disturbing.

And funny.

Or maybe disturbingly funny.

President Bush told Matt Lauer yesterday that we cannot win the war on terror. A few minutes later Los Angeles Clippers President Donald Sterling said that the Clippers cannont win, ever.

Just made some tuna for lunch. I've been on a turkey kick lately and felt the need to switch to tuna. Let's just hope i don't die of mercury poisoning.

Andrew Tavani and I have almost finished out next project and will be pitching it to several networks soon. If this show doesn't get picked up we will either begin another project or start filming a reality show about 2 comics who go around NYC trying to assassin network executives.

I've been thinking of wearing flip-flops on stage but I'm worried about a twisted ankle. And they say comedy is easy.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

So Kerry either was a war hero or apparently murdered 100's of innocent Vietnamese, depending on who you listen to. Considering GWB was snorting coke and living of his dad at the time I don't really think he should be talking.

Tony Danza has a new talk show coming out. It's called, "Who's the talk show host most likely to be cancelled within 2 months?"

The Republicans will be here in NYC in the next few days. If I go on a shooting spree just to take out some Republicans is that considered terrorism? I'd do it to the democrats too, so it's not just about killing Republicans for me, if that's what you think.

The convention protesters wants to use the great lawn to stage a massive protest. That is where I do most of my writing, including these journal entries very often. Would it be wrong to shoot up a couple protesters? See, I'm equal oppurtunity. I just want some silence.

Don't worry I won't shoot anyone, I'm waiting for lasers to come out before I do something like that.

I just heard Governor Pataki say that "everyone should come to New York City now, I will be here, my wife Libby will be here, our children will be here." Wow, that does sound enticing.

I just had grilled cheese for breakfast. Can that be done?

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Just got back from 5 days in Chicago. Wrigley Field was the main highlight, that place really is a throwback to another era in baseball. Unfortunately, the Cubs lost, and i think the guy next to me had a bit of a gas problem. That might have had something to do with the 6 Chicago-Style hot dogs he ate.

Flying on an airplane during turbulence is the only time I directly talk to God.

On Sunday night I caught Alien v. Predator. I can;t really tell you anything about the plot of the movie, but there were just enough explosions and green blood and sliced heads to make it worth while. Interestingly, AVP as it's known, was the number 1 movie of the weekend. That comes on the heels of Freddie v. Jason doing surprisingly well too. I wonder how many of these movies they can pit againt each other, like Forest Gump v. The Ladies of the Joy Luck Club, or Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man v. DeNiro in Awakenings.

USA lost to Puerto Rico in Olympic Hoops the other day. For the last time, I'm available guys. I'm more of a natural point guard than Iverson or Marbury.

Speaking of Marbury, he is by far the most over-rated player in NBA history.

Governor Jim McGreevey of New Jersey is gay. That probably explains why NJ has no sales tax on clothes.

State University of New York at Albany was just ranked the number 1 party school in the country. I went to the State University of New York at Binghamton, during which time my dorm room was ranked as #2 pot smoking room in the country.

They guys 2 doors over smoked A LOT of pot. They had a real problem.

American Idol is auditioning people in Washington, DC today. I'm glad I have spent 6 years reworking and retooling and redifining my craft while Simon Cowell can tell some semi-retarded person that he won't make it.

Back to comedy tonight after my 5 day break. I feel refreshed, reinvigorated and rejuvinated. Now if I only knew a good joke.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

According to Drudgereport.com, John Kerry and wife Theresa got into a big fight last night in Flagstaff, Arizona, and ended up sleeping in different hotel rooms. My sources tell me that Theresa enjoyed not sleeping next to an "emotionless, cold, stiff" and instead cuddled up to a "warm, fluffly and cozy pillow" all night.

Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes was arrrested last night for supposedly lunging into two cops outside an east side restaurant here in Manhattan. Yea, its good to see with terrorists trying to blow the city to smitherines that cops are protecting us from those crazy 86 year old TV anchors. I have nightmares about them.

So Mary Kay LeTourneau is trying to get back with the boy who fathered her child when he was 12 years old. I really don't know why everyone is makking such a big deal about this whole situation. I mean back when I was a kid everyone slept with at least one teacher. Actually, I slept with 2 teachers, the school nurse, the librarian, the ice cream man and a priest.

The priest was the only really disturbing one...because I'm not even Catholic.

Thank you very much. I'll be here all week, don't forget to try the veal.

Some dude in San Fransisco faked his own beheading and posted it on the Kazaa file sharing sservice to show the media that they shouldn't just swallow all of the terrorists videos withouth checking the facts. Some people are saying that this kid just did us a great service, while others are saying he is just some wacko. One thing we can all agree on however, is that Kazaa has some pretty great porn.

I've become completely and wholly addicted to Jamba Juice. The Orange Dream Machine is like crack to me. Someone help me. Someone. Please. I need help.

Thousands of people continue to die of starvation or are being slaughtered in the Sudan. What has the world come to when Muslims are killing Muslims? It's like the Iran-Iraq war all over again. Hmm, I can't think of the funny part, maybe something about Sadaam having mustard gas?

CBS is getting good summer ratings for Charlie Sheen's "Two and a Half Men". I've never seen it, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it is no "My Two Dads".

Whatever happened to the guy who wasn't Paul Rieser anyways?

Come to think of it, what happened to Paul Rieser?

Monday, August 09, 2004

Great shows at Comedy Company all this past week, especially the weekend. Sometimes I think we'll really look back on these as the good old days so I gotta somehow appreciate them more. But then I think, you know what, when I have the mansion and the pool and the PS2 in my Hummer, those days will be pretty good too.

Sportscenter is going "Old School" this week and bringing back anchors from years past. I'd say my two favorite anchors would be Craig Kilborne and Charlie Steiner. I think Kilbourne was the one who really added comedy to the show, and Steiner would just burst into uncontrollable laughter while on-air which was always great to see. Imagine if Tom Brokaw ever did that, that would make news actually worth watching.

Spent yesterday with my family and got into a big debate over whether lesbians should be allowed to get married. Then the debate became about the differences between midgets and dwarfs. It ended with everyone agreeing that lesbian midgets should not be allowed to marry.

So the Dream Team is still struggling in these pre-Olympic warm-up games. I wish there was some way we could take that original Dream Team and have them play these guys. I think the orginals would win every game by about 20 points.

Speaking of the original Dream Team, I am thinking of going to the Basketball Hall of Fame the weekend of Septemeber 10th, to see my childhood hero, Clyde Drexler, inducted to the hall. I can't get anyone to come with me though. You wanna come?

Alan Keyes is now running for Sentor in Illinois. This guy is like the black Ralph Nader, he just doesn't know when to throw in the towel.

And no that note I'm going to buy a new towel. Really. I need a new towel. There was no implication in that. I just would like a new fluffy shower towel. That's it. Really.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Bill Clinton was on Letterman last night. Man, I really wish that guy was still President. There is something so calmly cool about him, like he knows something really important, and he just gives us enough information so we don't go crazy. That's in stark contrast to Mr. Bush who clearly knows nothing and keeps us all afraid all the time so we don't call him out on it.

The American basketball team got crushed by the Italians yesterday, marking the first time that an American team has lost in this competitions since pros have been used starting in 1992. Some people are saying the Americans are at a disadvange because of the zone defense played in Europe and that theEuropeans are better outside shooters. That may be true, but I think that this specific loss to the Italians might've had something to do with Tony Soprano brandishing his gun while sitting courtside.

Ellen Cleghorne, who was on Saturday Night Live when it was actually funny in the mid 90's, will be on both shows this Saturday at the Comedy Company.

Terror levels are up here in NYC. I don't know about you guys, but everytime they up the terror level I just walk around with one eyebrow a little higher than the other. That makes people think I'm crazy.

I'm not sure what that has to do with the terror level, but people don't ask me for directions when I do that.

Tucker Carlson, the right-wing, bow-tie wearing dork on CNN is a right-wing, bow-tie wearing dork.

Why do I keep getting random Instant Messages from girls who want to show me their webcams? It's so sad that teen girls are so lonley.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Went to my 10th High School Reunion on Friday night. That's right people, it was only 10 years ago that I was a pot-smoking, video-game playing, Sportscenter watching kid. Oh wait, that was yesterday, too. Anyhoo, it was a great time as I expected. Got to see lots of old random people and, more importantly, got to see how many of the guys I have more hair than.

The people it was best to see were moslty from Alice P. Willits Elementary School. I was a real stud back then and it was good to see all the people who remember me as said stud.

In career news, I taped VH1's "Awesomely Badder Girls" on Friday. I was quite hilarious if I do say so myself, and it airs sometime in September. Also, using the latest makeup techniques I looks hot as hell. I woulda even done myself.

I'm looking forward to the Republican Convention coming to town in a few weeks because it'll be fun to do some political material in that atmosphere. I will, of course, be wearing a bullet-proof vest on stage because as we all know, most Bush supporters are gun-toting lunatics.

Speaking of the convention, President Bush is going to outline his intelligence plan on Monday. The report is entitled "We Don't know Much."

El Duque is the best starting pitcher for the Yanks right now. What year is this?

I don't like M. Night Shyamalan. I don't know why, but I don't.

Correction to recent entry: Turns out that Steven Spielberg, not Robert Zemeckis will be doing the new Transformers movie. Steve, if you are reading this I wouldn't mind seeing some Transformers v. Velociraptor action.

Yea, I call him Steve.

Nicholas Cage married a 20 year old former waitress. Didn't he do a movie about that a few years ago?