Monday, January 31, 2005

30 year old Leonardo DiCaprio just won the lifetime achievement award at the Santa Barbara Film Festival. 30 years old and a lifetime achievement award. How does that make any sense? I think the only way that would make sense is if this were the midevil times and the life expectancy was 35. Of course then Leonardo probably would've died of disentary already. That pussy.

Terrel Owens will or will not play in the Superbowl. You heard it here first.

2 weeks of coverage is just way too much before the Superbowl. I don't care what Tom Brady's jockstrap smells like after a practice. Shame on you ESPN.

Trying to eat more salad these day, can anyone recommend a new vegetable to throw in there? Something interesting, I already am on the cucumbers and broccoli.

On this day in 1995 I was a sophmore of college and most likely very stoned.

I'm watching a commercial for MTV's "Made" for an episode where a high school jock tries to become a ballet dancer. In case I haven't said it lately, fuck MTV.

For reasons I don't want to get into I almost danced on Saturday night. Fortunately at the last second I got an important call and had to step outside.

I just got an offer for an American Express Blue Card. What is this APR thing and what can it do for me?

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Hazaa to me for finishing X-Men Legends this weekend. It was a difficult few weeks working on the game but finally we stopped Magneto from crashing the moon into the Earth and thus creating a new world order.

Well, I think that what was the game was about, I'm not sure cuz I had to spend so much time icing down my fingers from all the button-mashing madness.

So last night I go to Gamestop, our local video game store, to see what my next conquest will be. I go with my roomate Mike and we talk to the salesman (or saleskid, as it were). I tell him that we are looking for some sort of adventure game that 2 players can play together. He recommends a few titles and in the middle of his speech, Mike turns to me and says, "Well, I guess this fulfills our nerd quotia for the month." The words sliced through the saleskid like a knife, and while he did help us get "Balders Gate", clearly he was wounded from Mike's verbal assault.

Now Mike didn't mean to offend the nerd, let me say that. He was implying that we were nerds for playing these games into our late-20's. However, the nerd clearly thought Mike was talking about him, because like most nerds, he was very attuned to people saying nerdish things around him. I tried to console him as I payed for the game by saying that I used to be an assistant manager at Electronics Boutique, and that I wasn't always as cool as I am now, but sadly I think my words fell on deaf nerd ears.

So people the point here is please, if you ask a nerd a question, like something about video games or Lord of the Rings or Star Wars etc., please don't comment on your inner-nerd or their nerdom right to their face. It's just awkward and uncomfortable.

And more importantly many nerds are friends with wiccans and witches who know potions that can hurt you in many ways.

In other news, XM Radio and Sirius are in talk to merge into one big satellite radio company. Similairly, I am in talks with Jerry Sienfeld to form one big super-comic. With my hunger and in-the-moment style and his money and industry contacts nobody could stop us. Nobody I say, nobody!

I'm voting for Steve Nash for NBA MVP. Techincally I don't get a vote because I'm not on the panel of sports writers that is qualified to vote, but I know a guy.

Watched the movie, "The Day After Tommorrow", during the big snow storm this weekend. I'd like to say that the movie is absolutely the worst movie ever made when you factor in budget, acting, writing, and the sheer movieness of it all. I actually sat by my phone for 2 hours after the movie just waiting for someone from Hollywood to call me to apologize.

I missed Leno's lil speech about Johnny Carson the other night but I've been told my several comics that it was completely over-prepared, totally canned and in no way heart-felt at all. At least Jay didn't get better overnight.

I'm looking forward to Letterman's show next week when he comes back from vacation and gets a chance to talk about Johnny and how he influenced and inspired Dave. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it will be the complete opposite of the Leno "essay" as they called it.

Final thought for today - I usually begin my mornings with a tall glass of Tropicana orange juice, which, according to the carton, is the way to "Start Your Day Right". Does that count if I'm shooting up heroine as I drink the OJ?

Sunday, January 23, 2005

I was about to sit down to watch the Eagles-Falcons game when I flicked the channel and now I see that Johnny Carson has passed away. Pretty ironic that my last entry on the Daily Dave, like 2 or 3 days ago, I mentioned how classy Johnny was, I don't think I've ever written about him before.

Johnny probably did more for comedians than anyone else out there. Everyone knows all the stories about how being invited to the couch after your set was the biggest thing that could happen to a comic back when Johnny hosted the Tonight Show. Though I really don't remember the show that well, I think somehow I was really affected by him, because I always try to incorporate the things that people say about him into how I do my comedy.

As their showing all these clips of Johnny I can't help but hope that maybe him passing will somehow help fix the mess that television comedy has become. Leno has just totally wrecked that show and no self-respecting comic can stand the guy. Though, as I have joked before, I probably shouldn't write that.

But Leno and the other crappy late night shows aren't the only problem. Reality TV and these horrific sitcoms have to run their course. I thought that phase would've ended about a year or two ago, but amazingly we're still stuck in the middle of it.

As I listen to Joan Rivers and Jackie Mason talk about Johnny on CNN I can't help but be jealous that there was once a guy on TV who was there to make people look better and to find young talent and to not so insecure than to feel that he has to top the guest at every turn.

The stuff that we have been doing at the Comedy Company lately is the type of stand up that Johnny would've loved, I'm sure.

So Dave Letterman, if you find yourself a lil nostalgic, and looking for new comics like how Johnny once found you, I'm only about 3 blocks away.

Anyway, I've always been committed to doing good things in comedy and figuring out what my place in it is, but Johnny passing will recommit me to figuring out where I belong and what I should be doing.

I'd imagine he's proably making God look pretty good right about now. Goodnight, Johnny.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Inauguration of President Bush is going on right at this moment. I'd like to submit an idea that instead of playing Hail to the Chief when he walks out, that they play the music that Darth Vader walked out to in Star Wars.

When else do you say inauguration besides on this day every four years?

I'm watching the coverage on ABC News which means I'm listening to Canadian anchor man Peter Jennings. He is always half whispering. I'm just waiting for him to say, "And now Bush with a chance for a birdie on the 17th hole."

Michael Moore is so sitting in his house brandishing a gun and muttering to himself right now.

I will admit that GWB has grown on me over the past few months. There is something about a guy with so little upstiars accomplishing so much. It's like that childrens book, "The Little Engine that Could".

I'm in the 20th hour of X-Men Legends on PS2. We've found Magneto's secret moon base and once we can figure out how to transport the team there we'll be able to save the galaxy. Keep your fingers crossed, folks.

I haven't yet seen Desperate Houswives, but according to the commercial I just saw, "This is the one that America has been waiting for!"

Funny, I thought America was waiting for a re-make of Growing Pains, this time starring Kirk Cameron as the father, and Alan Thicke not in it.

I wonder wish of the Bush twins gives better head.

I hit 2 big 3's in our basketball game last night but we lost by one point after a furious comeback. Well, maybe not a furious comeback, more like Michael Jordan's 2nd one with the Wizards.

According to the AP Johnny Carson occasionally writes jokes for David Letterman and thinkgs that Dave should've gotten the Tonight Show instead of Jay. Johnny is probably one of maybe 3 comedians I would pay to see. Unfortunately, he's so damn classy he just left the limelight altogether after 40 something years on the air. Damn him and his classyness.

Speaking of classyness I gotta clip my nails. Later.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

The big reopening of the Comedy Company this past weekend was a huge success. Everyone was reenergized, excited and inspired and we had 4 kick ass shows. The highlight was probably Mike Singer gettting about 20 people to join him on stage and sing "We are the World" in an attempt to raise money for Tsunami victims.

I bumped into Woody Paige from ESPN's "Around the Horn" while walked down the street the other day. We spoke for about 2 minutes, and I told him that he is doing good work, etc., but I compltely forgot to ask him about the inflateable woman that was behind him on the show a couple weeks ago. I guess we'll never know what that was really about.

It's absolutely freezing outside. I recommend boxers briefs with a pair of regualr boxers above them to keep your balls nice and toasty.

Everyone loves toasty balls.

Watched the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Enough has been written about the actors and the awards, I'd just like to say that Star Jones had a lump of fat coming out of her dress in the armpit area. So very disturbing.

Someone told me I'm like an older Topher Grace. How do you even respond to that?

I've officially stopped writing Ellen Degeneres e-mails because she refuses to respond. That's it Ellen, no more compliments about your dancing either.

The other day I was having lunch at the diner and I saw a friend of mine's wife walking down the street in the middle of the day with a brown paper bag in her hand. Do you think I should tell my friend, or does he just have to find out for himself?

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Comedy Company will officially reopen this coming Friday, January 14th. It's been a nice lil break from the two shows a night, 6 nights a week grind over the past month or so. I've been able to refocus, write some different stuff, do more work on the one man show and actually go out occasionally like a regular person.

Speaking of going out like a regular person, last night I went to the birthday bash of fellow comic and friend Bob Castrone. The bar was jam packed and sweaty, it was a little like being in Abu Griab, from the pictures I've seen. Long story short, instead of cramming downstairs with all the 25 year old's, I sat upstairs with another fellow comic and friend, Barry Ribs, who is probably around my fathers age. I'd like to think we were pretty damn cool, but sadly, I don't think that would be the truth.

Is it wildly innaproriate to tell you that I just got up and took and amazing dump while in the middle of writing this? I normally wouldn't say anything but this one was truly unreal. I almost took a picture of it.

X-Men on PS2 is still my current videogame. Strangely, while I woud've thought I'd been a Wolverine guy, I've been using Iceman and Cyclops more than the clawed-one. Just when you think you know yourself life throws you a loop. Truly amazing.

Watching Back to the Future Part 3 at the moment. I've seen it before, and I'll see it again, but I honeslty couldn't tell you the plot if my life depended on it.

I can't really think of a situation where my life would depend on knowing the plot to Back to the Future Par3 3, much less any other movie, but that doesn't mean I'm not a little concerned.

Palestian elections are today and most people are expecting Abu Mazen to win by a solid margin. If any Palestians are reading this and haven't voted yet, please use your vote to write-in Arab-American actor Tony Shaloub. People think to think his show 'Monk' is funny, but it actually sucks and I think he'll be out of work soon enough.

I still can't get over that dump I took. I think I lost a vital organ.

Went to take a particular sweater off the hanger for the first time this season only to notice that the shoulders have become distorted due to a year on the hanger. If any of you have really mangled shoulders and want an old Banana Republic stiped sweater let me know.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I've written about ESPN's "Around the Horn" a couple times. At this very moment I am watching and Woody Paige has behind him, sitting in his office, what appear to be an inflatable woman. It makes you wonder can you respect the opinions of a sports journalist who sleeps with a plastic woman?

In other news, my cousin Adam, who is studying abroad in England, wrote a mass e-mail today to the whole family. He signed the e-mail "With kind regards". I see the British got to him already.

Hey that's a good title of a porno, "Studying A Broad."

Speaking of porno, I enjoy it.

Short and sweet today.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

2005 is finally here and not a minute to soon. I was really getting sick of 2004 with all it's jabbering and in-your-faceness.

Family trip to the Dominican was very relaxing and amazingly sane. The only major fight was the debate we got into at dinner one night as my brother argued that Oprah Winfrey could do more good for people as the rest of the family argued she does enough. He seemed to only be satisfied if she ends up sleeping in a shack with no running water. Otherwise she is just taking, taking, taking.

Had 2 great sets at Joe Franklin's last night. During the second one the crowd literally was chanting for me not to get off stage, and then when the following comic got on stage they started yelling for me to come back on.

Just a lil something for the ego to chew on I guess.

Last day of the NFL regular season today. I predict by the end of the day that we will know what teams will be in the playoffs.

Feeling a little lazy today for some reason, maybe it's some sort of post-vacation disorder. I'm actually feeling so lazy that I don't know if I have the fortitude to finish this senten....

ce...Okay, I did it.

Damn, that took a lot out of me.

Where is my inspiration? Where is that little witty man who lives inside me and says all kinds of funny things?

That would be something, wouldn't it? If a little man actually lived inside me and he was controlling my sense of humor.

What the hell am I talking about?

I think i might've gotten too much sun in the Dominican.

Read a little bit of Betty White's autobiography last week, please don't ask where or why. Did you know she is actually not from Saint Olaf? I can't believe it.

I also can't believe that Carson Daly is still on television. I guess I'm just not ready to take that leap of faith that I learned about in Philosophy 420 in my senior year of college.

Philosophy 420. Now there was a class I studied for.