Monday, October 27, 2003

Warren told me that my last entry was a little depressing so I was just sitting here trying to think of something funny when on TV (Fox News Channel - I'm a glutton for punishment), I hear Al Sharpton say, "I'm in this race because of the fight between the Christian Right in this country and the Right Christians!"

Then they went to commercial.

What the hell does that mean? I didn't even know a fight was setup. Which side is Jesus on? Is it on Pay-Per-View? How much does it cost?

And which race does Sharpton think he is in exactly, anyway? The race to the hair gel factory? Race to the thesaurus to sound smarter than you are? Race for the White House? All very funny possibilities.

The fires in California are running rampant. It sure would be upsetting if they destroyed all of Hollywood, wouldn't it be?


When was the last time you heard someone say "NOT" like that? Been awhile huh? Well, I guess it was only a sentence ago.

NBA season starts in 2 days. My official prediction is a rematch of last season's finals, Spurs v. Nets. However, this time, I think the Nets will get it right and win it in 6. Book it, yo!

Ramadan began yesterday and someone bombed some more stuff in Baghdad. Nice to see the holiday starting off with a bang. Oh those crazy muslim radicals.

Maybe I'll run for President. How do you go about doing that? Hmm. Maybe I'll star in a couple action movies and then jump in, that seems like it would work.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

So we did an "industry show" last night at ComedyWorks. I had really nothing to do with setting it up, but I was told that there were about 20 people who were either commercial agents, managers or bookers at the club. The show was sold-out, we actually had to turn around about 20 people. Anyways, my set was really good, I even told jokes, and I'd say 9 out of the 10 minutes were pretty killer.

After the show I watched as all the comics flocked all over the "industry" people outside the club. Now first off, seeing as I've been doing comedy for about 5 years and haven't ever really met anyone from the industry before, I'm not sure that the industry even exists. For all I know these people are from the steel industry or the locomotive industry.

Instead of fawning over these people and making small talk and trying to hand out my business cards to everyone I sat at the bar and had a beer. Maybe this is egotistical of me but I really think that if someone sees talent in me that they should approach me, not wait until I come up to them. They should see something and want to be part of it, not want to make me kiss their ass. Unfortunately, the whole thing seems to be set up the wrong way, and, of course, comics seem to all be willing to kiss ass preemtively.

(I apologize for the above self-indulgent rant, but I gotta do it sometimes, it's either that or pushing people into subway trains.)

Got some new fish yesterday including this really big goldfish who looks like he has his brain on the outside of his head. Somehow this makes me think he is smarter than all the other fish, but I doubt that is actually true. Maybe he just has severe brain damage.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Bumped into Conan O'Brien while walking the Upper West Side earlier today. We talked for a few minutes and he was very cool. He gave me the name of the person who books comedians on the show, so an e-mail has already be sent, now we wait and see.

Why do I keep getting Instant Messages from girls who want to show me their live webcam? And how do they always know that I'm a stud? It's like they're psychic.

The PH in the fishtank is a little low, about 6.4 now. What is PH? What does it stand for? Why is it so important? So many questions, so few answers.

OK, time to go, The Simpsons are on --- The one thing in the universe funnier than me.

Monday, October 20, 2003

World Series is looking pretty good so far, although even as a Yankee fan I don't really care after that zany series with Boston. NBA starts in a few weeks and I'm still unsigned. Yea, that's right, I'm still without an NBA team. What's going on here? I'll even play for the veteran minumum.

The Democrats are having some presidential debate in a couple days. Do any of them know that the election is over a year away? Do any of them know that nobody watches these things anyway? Do any of them know that they are all highly dorky?

Bought new shoes over the weekend.

Also bought a Swifer, which gets more dust off the floor than anything I've ever seen. It also collected a disturbing amount of human hair, I'll have to look into that.

We're looking for alternative ways to promote ComedyWorks, so if you have any ideas please let me know. As it gets colder out I don't realyl want to keep the comics out there barking. Plus, the shows have been really good lately, we just need some publicity. Maybe I'll do some sort of hostage situation or something.

The DC Sniper is going to defend himself in court. I know there is a good joke about this, give me a a day or two.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Some dude sticks his hand out trying to catch a foul ball and now the entire city of Chicago wants to kill him. This, ladies and gentlemen, is very definition of funny.

Steve Bartman is now public enemy #1.

I'd go so far as to say that if the Cubs don't win game 7 tonight, that Bartman won't make it out of the weekend alive.

Talk about irony. I mean the guy is obviously such a huge Cubs fan that he is the guy that goes to the game in a Cubs hat and listens to the game on his walkman so he can hear the play-by-play. And now he might've cost them a shot at the World Series. This guy is gonna have one tough time getting a date in Chi-Town.

I'm watching Saved by the Bell right now. A young Tori Spelling is playing Violet, Screech's girlfriend. It is one of the most emotionally heartwrenching episodes of television I've ever seen.

Cosby is on next. Not The Cobsy Show, but Cosby. What was he thinking with that show anyway? And how did he think he was gonna get away with having Felicia Rashaad as his wife on two different sitcoms? Ahmad Rashaad must want to kill him.

Actually, Ahmad and Felicia has since gotten divorced. I heard it was because she like extra butter on her Pop-Secret Popcorn and he didn't like any butter.

Think that's all I've got for today. By the way I'm still searching for a good manager/agent. You can 30 days to discover me before I officially go at it alone. Over and out.

Monday, October 13, 2003

I haven't written or even talked about this in about a year but for some reason it has been on my mind lately.

The Tom Hanks Thing.

Long story very short, Tom Hanks used a bunch of my jokes on the Tonight Show when he was promoting "Castaway" a couple years ago. It really brings up all these weird feelings for me to even think about it, but basically he did this bit, while sitting and talking to Leno (in the biz, its known as "panel"), about all these 80's toys, culminating in a bit about the Transformers.

If you ask most comics, bits are liften/stolen/raped all the time. However, when you see perhaps the most famous actor in the world doing your bit on the Tonight Show, versus an unknown hack doing your bit at 1:35 a.m. in a comedy club, there is a subtle difference.

My feelings about the whole thing were corraborated by a bunch of comics, who knew I was the only comic at the time doing such silly stuff as all those 80's toys. The story got a little blurb in Page Six of the New York Post, and Inside Edition came down to the Comedy Cellar to interview me about the story. I didn't know what the hell to do, and I really didn't want to be known as the comedian that attacked Tom Hanks, so I really let the whole thing drop.

After that is when I began my couple year adventure into telling no jokes while on stage. My new motto became "Just be funny". They could always steal my jokes, but they couldn't steal my funny.

I think I'm ready to talk about the whole fiasco on stage, and the aftermath of it, if I can figure out how to make it funny. Interesting, writing some jokes about why I can't really tell jokes. Lemme get on that.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Okay, I'm back after a small, but effective killing spree in honor of Governor-Elect Arnold. Rumor has it that he felt up six unsuspecting women after his acceptance speech.

Rememeber in 7th grade when feeling up a girl was an accomplishment? Now you bump into a girl in the elevator and you get just as far.

If you haven't checked out Adam Hunter's website, jump on there at He's even got a little journal like this one where you can read about all the stuff that I forget about.

I'm thinking about ditching all my jokes again and starting to go back up there and just be funny, like I did for about 3 years before this past year. Is it possible to miss the good old days before you have gotten anywhere else?

I guess my joke about Arnold is no longer topical but I do still think having his twin brother Danny DeVito serve as Deputy Governor is pretty funny.

Could the Democrats have a more pathetic bunch of people running for President? Maybe I'll throw my hat in the ring. I only have one good hat, thought, forget it.

Jay Leno is introducing Arnold as the next Governor of California - I will comment on this further in the morning if I haven't gone on a killing spree.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

So Rush Limbaugh thinks that Donovan McNabb is overratted because he is a black quarterback. I wonder if he would think that I'm overratted because I'm a black comic. Oh wait, I'm not black. Son of a bitch.

Speaking of black, I had a delicious black and white cookie the other day. I think the black and white is my favorite cookie.

I'v really had it with bands doing covers of other bands songs. Why do we let them get away with this? Imagine if a comedian tried to do a cover of another comedians joke? Oh wait, I think Robin Williams built a career on that.

(That was an inside joke mainly for comedians.)

(Sorry about that.)

(What's the point of these parenthesis?)

I need some coffee. Adios.