Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Sorry for the late posting today, I was busy with a few things. What things you ask? Let's just say the Iranians are in for quite a surprise the next time they open one of those uranium enichment canisters.

This might be the first night-time posting I've ever done. Lemme turn off the lights and put a flashlight under my face for effect.

Ohhh, scary.

Crazy stuff going down in Louisiana and Mississippi. It really puts life into perspective when I see people being air-lifted off roofs while I'm trying to figure out if "cock" is funnier than "penis".

Yes, yes, I know, it's cock. Basic comedy K's. I was just illustrating a point.

What is it about the human condition that the second a natural disaster hits people forget that they are part of civilization and run right to the 7-11 to loot the place? There were 10 year old kids carrying cases of beer walking behind 40 year old men carrying cases of Mountain Dew.

I can only imagine what its like being one of the 30,000 people in the Superdome tonight. I freak out when I'm on a crowded subway.

Doing a one day gig tommorrow for the new Martha Stewart Show. I'll have all the salacious details on Thursday. The delicious details will come right after that.

I just typed "Salacious" into Google to see if I spelled it correctly and the first thing that came up was a link to Starwars.com's webpage devoted to "Salacious B. Crumb". He was the little guy who sat next to Jaba the Hutt.

(Insert Johnny Carson voice)

I did not know that.

Okay, good luck to the folks affected by Katrina, and screw the rest of you.

Monday, August 29, 2005


Oh, I beg to differ with that slogan.

Yup, that's right, yours truly, in a moment of complete and utter weakness, ate McDonald's last night. I honestly don't know why I did it.

They say the definition of a crazy person who does something that they know will hurt them, but then does it anyway.

Last night, I was one crazy mother-fucker.

I had a large #1, the Big Mac Meal. I took it to go because I refuse to eat in a Mcdonald's in NYC because they are really just homeless shelters without the cots.

I ate the "meal" as I watched The Simpsons. The first few bites were fine but then slowly the inevitable happened. By the time Family Guy was on, I was on laying on my side, groaning in pain.

As I twisted and turned to find a comfortable position, I found myself doing a current events homework assignment from high school. Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

There were no answers, only more questions.

Around 9 pm I felt like a pregnant woman in the third-trimester.

At 9:15 I temporarily lost my vision.

By 9:30 I had given birth, to a beautiful dump, a healthy 8 pounds, 3 ounces.

At 9:45 I cried.

As 10 pm came, I made myself a promise...


Well, maybe just for a McFish. The tarter sauce is so tangy and delicious.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

A moving picture! Welcome to 1999!

Looks like Katrina is gonna hit shortly. Reminds me of a great line Kent Brockman had in The Simpsons...

"...and the weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught of Hurricane Barbara. And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale."


Saturday, August 27, 2005


We've already more than doubled the amount of hits to Rubinville this month than any previous one. In celebration of that, let's take a look at the top ten search terms used to come here...

1. Horse Vagina
2. Daryn Kagin
3. Horse Penis
4. Kyra Phillips
5. Dave Rubin
6. Horse Humping
7. Hot Newscasters
8. David Rubin
9. Bob Castrone
10. Cat Anus

I wish I made that list up, but if I did I'd just be horsing around. Oh man, just saying "horsing around" will probably will bring in 50 new people. Pretty brilliant, if I do say so myself.

Great piece on CNN right now about how Bush made up the whole Iraq war. Ya think they should've aired it about two years ago?

Okay, heading out for the night but let me just say that you'll never see Kyra Phillips doing anything with a horse vagina if Daryn Kagin is near her while holding a horse penis.

More tommorrow.

Friday, August 26, 2005


Some French newspaper is saying that Lance Armstrong did steroids back in 1999. The guy has one nut, leave him alone for god's sake. Although I don't think we needed another reason to drop the bomb on France, I think we now officially have it.

I wrote about Daryn Kagin's big necklace the other day, and today she is wearing a thin, barely visible, silver one. Affecting the world, that's what I'm all about.

My first hour on Craigslist yesterday was accidentely searching for jobs in San Franscisco. Considering I hate commuting to the East Side, San Fran would really be pushing it.

A public thanks to the person who sent me the e-mail with various ideas to promote my comedy. You work pro bono, right? If not, how about free?

The Thai Prime Minister has had a buzzer installed in his podium so that when a reporter asks him a question he doesn't like he can just buzz it, which means he won't answer the question. He has also asked the reporters to give him the answers and he'll say the questions.

The Six Feet Under message board has a rumor going around that when Ruth called Maggie to ask if Nate was happy when he died, that Maggie was at an abortion clinic. Another great twist to a brilliant finale. Damn, I'm gonna miss that show.

I think I'm gonna pass on HBO's new "Rome". I've seen "Gladiator" twice already.

Kathy Griffin has a new show on Bravo called, "My Life on the D-List". I'm pretty sure once you have a show you are off the D-List. She's probably C-List now. I'm D-List. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm G-List, but I aspire to be D-List. Man, D-List, that'd be so sweet.

Okay, gotta go, I've got a lot of work to do. D-List here we come.

Thursday, August 25, 2005


Don't really have time to post today because I'll be spending most of my time at www.craigslist.org, looking for a job. While I doubt I'll find a job on there I'm sure I can find a great escort and maybe even add a little something to "Rants and Raves".

If one more person tells me that I'd make a good teacher I'm gonna kill them.

Have a nice day.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


Saw a great movie last night, "What The Bleep Do We Know?" Finally, a movie about the question I ask myself all day long. It's a movie about quantum physics, philosophy and everything in between. If you haven't quite figured out the meaning of life yet, I'd highly recommend it. And if you think you have figured out the meaning of life, I'd even more highly recommend it.

Google has a new Instant Messenger service as that you can download if you have a Gmail account. They're taking over the world right in front of our eyes and we can't do anything but watch. Now click on my Google Ads, quick!

Still looking for a manager.

Still looking for spots.

And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Maybe I should call U2. They must've figured it out by now.

So Pat Robertson wants to the United States to assasinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. I thought Venezeula was on our team, didn't you? I can't believe they're bad guys. This changes everything. Now I'm gonna have to switch my vacation plans to Venezuela. I wonder how the weather is in Cuba this time of year.

Hmm, wait a minute, I'm a little low on funds, I'm not morally opposed to assasination, you know what, I'll eliminate Chavaz and Robertson. That's right, 2-for-1 assasinations here at Rubinville, today only.

Okay, that's it for now. I have to shine my sniper rifle.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Sportscenter is in Chicago today as part of it's "50 States in 50 Days" segment. As I watch this they're doing a piece on Steve Bartman, that poor guy who stuck his arm out at the wrong time and in the wrong place. Apparently, nobody knows where he is and many people in the city want him to come back and apologize so that they can have a little closure. By closure they mean "murder."

Did I just do a Bartman joke almost two years later? Whoa, what's going on with me?

I'll have a new podcast up later this afternoon. It's just a little five minute life-update, it'll be listed on the left side here, above the archives.

Went for some beers with Andrew Tavani last night. We discussed our future, the future of TV, and the future of humanity. As for our future, we're gonna work on some more projects, cuz that's what we do. As for the future of TV, it ain't pretty. And as for the future of humanity, it looks like monkey's will rule humans by 2021.

CNN's Darin Kagin is wearing a silver necklace today that appears to be one of those necklaces that they put on you in futuristic jails so that you can't go too far away from your unknown necklace partner or you'll both will explode.

Didn't get on stage last night. I'm still plotting how to go about getting some spots which isn't an easy feat here in NYC. I don't think I can go more than 4 days without doing comedy or I'll just spontaneously combust, so if I were you I'd avoid me on Wednesday at all costs.

Oh, I just got an e-mail from my trusty webmaster, it looks like Podcast 4 will be up by the time I post this. iPods rejoice!

If you haven't seen them yet, check out the obituaries for all the main characters on Six Feet Under at www.hbo.com.

Did I really have to tell you to go to hbo.com for that? You're right, I need to trust you more.

Okay, I'm going for a run. I like to pretend I'm running from something when I'm running, today it'll be zombie's. I know zombie's aren't fast, but you always have to run as fast as you can from them, and then no matter how slow they're walking, they get ya. That'll do the trick.

Monday, August 22, 2005


Best television show ever.

I cried.

Yup, I can't believe it either. I didn't even know I had tear ducts. But suddenly, about 45 minutes in, I felt this moisture building up in my eyes. Then it kept coming, and by the end I was crying just like a real human being. Please keep that between me and you, ok?

The finale, of what I'd call the best show I've ever seen, remained true to itself throughout the entire episode. It had all the twists and turns we've come to expect, and everyone's internal and external battles finally came to a head. I realized somewhere in the middle of the show that it's real brilliance is that each of us can identify with the issues of all of the characters in some way.

I usually felt myself identifying with Nate, for being an idealist trying to figure out why the world isn't as right as he wanted it to be. But at times I identified with David as he ran from his own self-created fears. Sometimes I identified with Claire for being the struggling artist. Other times I could identify with Ruth for wondering what could have been. I could even identify with Brenda for being a pregnant woman taking care of another woman's toddler.

Well, that one is a bit of a stretch, but you see my point.

I'm really gonna miss the show because in a time when TV is at it's worst, there was one show doign something totally different, completely edgy, and absolutely real. It even left us with a clear message, something so simple that all of us intuitively know it but rarely live it...We've only got one chance here, so live it while you can.

Now I've got so much to do I don't know where to begin. Thank you very much Alan Ball.

Actually, I'm gonna begin by going to my Grandma's, apparently there's something it up with the cat, but after that I have to start the rest of my life. Perhaps I'll even post something again later today. Two posts in one day would be rather revolutionary, but I've only got one life here and I have to pack in as much stuff as possible.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Blogging from Starbucks today. Somehow I feel more average at this very moment than I've ever felt in my entire life.

I haven't purchased anything yet because when I walked in here there was a table available, and a free table at Starbucks in NYC is like a day without a suicide bombing in Iraq...pretty rare.

One of the barista's (their fancy word for coffee-getter), is looking at me, clearly wanting me to order something. I'm actually kind of thirsty but I can't leave my laptop at the table unguarded. Sometimes people ask other random people to watch their stuff while they go order something, but that's pretty much the equivalent of saying, "Take my stuff...please."

So, parched, but sitting comfortably, I will write.

It's really amazing how packed each and every Starbucks in NYC is. I don't know if they have a slogan, but it should be, "Crack for the Middle Class".

Oh no, some guy is looking at the extra chair at my table as if he wants to sit with me. I'm gonna put on my crazy face, excuse me for a second.

OK, he hasn't approached yet. Good old crazy face.

Real Time with Bill Maher started it's new season last night. I've said it before, agree with him or not, you've got to give Bill credit for saying what he believes. I'd like to be a panelist on the show. Bill, are you reading this?

I sent Bill an e-mail once, to which I got an automated response that was signed, "Love, Bill". We've really gotten somewhere when you can automate love.

I'm pretty much broke and not sure what to do, anyone got any recommendations? I'll pretty much do anything but be an male prostitute. I just can't go back into that game again, it will bring up to many issues that I put to bed a long time ago.

As long as I'm talking about the future, I could also use a manager. Most comedy managers are slick, slimey, money-hungry bastards. So, if you fit that desciption and are looking for a new line of work, I'm your guy.

Argh, the wireless internet connection keeps popping in and out which is making me think I won't be able to post this. If that happens I will have just sat here writing to myself, and then not even have any proof of it. If you blog and it doesn't post, have you really blogged at all?

Caught a little bit of the "Alf Hit Talk Show" on TV Land late last night. Dare I say it's better than his self-titled sitcom. Yes, I dare.

Well, I'm about to hit "Publish Post", let's see if this works, or if the whole thing was just a figment of my imagination.

Friday, August 19, 2005


Footballer Randy Moss has admitted to smoking marijuana. I guess that's the real difference between football players and baseballs players. Baseball players use drugs to get bigger, faster and stronger, while football players use drugs to get slower, fatter and more paranoid.

No sure why it would surprise anyone that Randy Moss smokes weed, I mean have you ever seen his hair when his cornrows aren't in? You could get high while smoking a locket of it.

So this is the last weekend of Comedy Company, unless we decide to come back after the construction, which is 50/50 at best. I'm excited as well as nervous about the future because I've only done comedy one way, on my own terms, and now I'm about to embark on a new adventure for the first time in 7 years. Once I get my settled in, I'll be assembling a new team to help me on my quest. I'll need a wizard, a dwarf, a droid, a cyclops and an accountant. E-mail resumes if interested.

It's pouring out here again. I've started to collect two of every animal but I can only find a single male ardvark. He was at the bar downstairs, alone, drinking away his sorrows.

I'd like to be the Weekend Update guy for Saturday Night Live. How do you go about doing that? I don't want to be in any sketches, just let me do my thing and get out.

A company in Japan is working on a device that will let you smell whatever you are watching on TV. Let's just hope that Bill O'Rielly is off the air by the time that comes to fruition.

I'm not sure what that meant either.

CBS news, which is third in the ratings just allowed five interns to present new ideas to revamp their new broadcasts. That's pretty slick, having unpaid kids fix your whole news division because the paid people are so uninspired. Of course, Linda Mason, CBS News VP for Standards and Special Projects was able to spin it slightly differently...

"This project was for their benefit, not for our benefit."

Righto. Now let's see how many of those kids they hire after taking their ideas, which I bet were pretty good.

Okay I gotta get going, al-Queda fired three rockets at a US Navy ship near Jordan this morning, and the Pentagon just called me to go over there and see what's up.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


I don't think that I've ever used the Daily Dave to promote anything other than myself, and I probably don't even do that well enough, but I wanna take a second to promote someone else today. Melissa Rauch, who I've done stand-up with since the beginning, is now starring in her own one-woman show as part of the NYC Fringe Festival. I saw the show last night and it's really great and Melissa is fantastic. So, after you check out one of our final six shows from tonight to Saturday at the Comedy Company, go check out Melissa before the show goes on a national tour. Take a look at the website at www.misseducation.com.

Ahhh, it's nice to actually have something good out there to promote. Feels good.

Found out yesterday that another one of my friends is taking Paxil. Why is it that everyone that I know who is on these drugs are the people that are really fine, and the people that aren't on them are the complete wacko's?

Was reading the back of a Viagra ad in this week's Sports Illustrated and noticed it said, "Do not give to infants." Umm, if you were even considering giving it to an infant, I'd recommend you become one of the people in the Paxil Nation.

Dave, why were you reading the back of a Viagra ad? Rumor has it your one of the most potent men alive. Yes, that is true, but I'm always fascinated by the scientific research behind erectile dysfunction drugs. Just a quirky thing about me, I suppose.

I'll have some new video up within a week or so. It's my first sex-tape. I don't want to give anything away but let's say it involves a certain star from TV's, "All in the Family".

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he's just like every other guy and even surfs the internet for porn. I guess that would explain the strong arm.

Thank you ladles and jellyspoons, I'll be here all week.

Can someone tell the people at The Gap to lower the lights a little. Everytime I go in the dressing room to look at jeans I end up staring at myself for 20 minutes.

Last night, as I was waiting for the subway a man just a few feet away from me ripped off a fart in full-force, without even trying to cover it up in any way. He didn't move nor look around. All I could think was, "I wish I was that guy."

Okay, that's it for me, Cocoa Pebbles are calling.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


Saw literally one-minute of NBC's new "Tommy Lee Goes to College", which is a new reality show that follows the former rocker as he enrolls as a student at the University of Nebraska. I would've watched more but the show inspired me to write my own, as-of-yet untitled reality show. It takes 10 people from all walks of life and they get to hunt down NBC executives and bring their heads back to me. Whoever brings back the most decapitated heads wins one million dollars. It's similar to Harry Hamlin bringing back Medusa's head in "Clash of the Titans". If you've got a good name for the show please let me know.

The University of Nebraska is a sham of a mockery of a mockery of a sham for doing such a pathetic publicity stunt.

Bob Costas guest-hosted Larry King Live last night. Bob is amazingly boring but he is hosts or guest hosts about 8 shows that are currently on the air. Last night he interviewed Conan O'brien, which reminded me of when I bumped into Conan about a year ago here on the Upper West Side. Conan was totally friendly and took the time to stop and talk. He even gave me the name of the person to contact if I want to submit a tape to get on the show. I was curious to see if his hair would be as high when he is outdoors, but sadly he was wearing a hat.

Also caught a big of the 2005 Teen Choice Awards last night. Paris Hilton was in the audience for the big show. I think it would've been more appropriate to have her hanging in a cage above the stage as an example of what every child shouldn't become.

"Look it's a vapid, self-abosrbed, talentless, media-whore! Don't you become like her little Jenny!"

Not sure how I came up with the name "Jenny" for that. I was trying to think of a young girls name these days. Maybe Alexis or Brianna or Celexa would've been better.

I didn't post yesterday because I was at a pitch meeting with a network. Pitch meeting? What were you pitching? I didn't know you could pitch! Why didn't you tell me earlier? All fair questions. I'm like a crafty, veteran-left pitcher who can consistentely go 7 innings and strike out 6 people while only walking one and letting up 2 runs. Think Jimmy Key in 1999.


Props to Mario Vazquez, the kid who bolted American Idol because he didn't want to be forced to sign some crazy contract with the producers of the show that would've basically let them own him for the rest of his natural life. Instead, Mario just signed on with Clive Davis who has helped countless muscians prosper.

Any interest in comedy, Clive?

I submitted my blog to www.huffingtonpost.com, but haven't heard back yet. Arianna couldn't be a liberal elitist, could she?

Alright, it's a beautiful day outside, I'm gonna go look for terrorists in Central Park.

Monday, August 15, 2005


We had some sort of biblical storm here last night, which left me staying inside watching Sunday night TV. Six Feet Under was brilliant as always, but I won't comment on it again until after the last episode next week. I also caught the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson, and here's what I learned...

(I apologize in advance for any graphicness to follow, but I'm just recapping what happened.)

Jimmy Kimmel, who hosted the show, is amazingly unfunnny, and will be cancelled any day now.

Greg Giraldo and Nick Dipalo are nothing without Colin Quinn, and barely anything with him.

Sara Silverman has no real talent and will continue to suck Jimmy Kimmel's cock for as long as he has a TV show.

Adam Corrola also sucked Jimmy Kimmel's dick to further his career. And it was no easy feat because if his giant teeth.

Lisa Lampanelli seems to be getting fatter and angrier by the minute.

Andy Dick doesn't care what kind of hole you have, as long as you have a hole.

Jeffrey Ross would have no career if it weren't for Comedy Central Roasts.

Tommy Lee has a giant penis and everyone else there wishes they were him.

Courtney Love is clearly drugged out of her mind and when she OD's all these people will be partly responsible.

Pamela Anderson has giant breats and everyone mentioned above has pleasured themselves to her many, many, many, many, many, many times.

The roast was really one joke told over and over, and after about 5 minutes it was almost hard to watch. Back in the day roasts were for and by real celebrities who were actual friends, not just a random collection of people all trying to further their career. I dare Comedy Central to replay some of Dean Martin's roasts instead of putting up these wanna-be fiasco's.

But Dave, poor, silly, idealistic Dave, wouldn't you do one of these roasts if Comedy Central called you? Yes, yes I would. I'd do it, because as these guys all prove, you have to do random meaningless stuff to get somewhere. And while I'm on the outside of it I can still comment on it, which is a lot more meaningful than the other way around.

Bea Arthur, who has gotten a lot of attention here on the Daily Dave recently, was probably the only truly funny thing about the roast. She simply read passages from Pamela's novel. The book was written not to be funny, but Bea reading it made it hilarious. Bea didn't bother commenting on any of the other people who made fun of her, but it was clear she wasn't going to give the nobody's any more attention than they could possibly squeeze out for themselves.

I wonder which nobody's will show up for my Comedy Central roast in 2025. After this posting, I'm pretty sure none of these guys will be in the business anymore, but Bea will be more than welcome.

Moving along, I've been watching Jerry Springer as I watch this and I have to say his ability to do this everyday is truly one of the most amazing things in the history of humanity.

Israel is pulling out of Gaza today. Why is it that Jews can't live in a place that is run by Arabs, but Arabs can live in Israel, France, Britian, America and every other country on the planet?

Oh yea, the Arabs are backwards, fundamentalist wacko's. I keep forgetting that.

That's it for today, I have to start preparing the guest list for my roast.

Friday, August 12, 2005

The Sopranos has announced they they are going to add 8 extra episodes to next season's scheduled 12 shows. Of course, all this won't happen until March 2006, which will be about 2 years since the show was last on. I can't remember a thing that happened because last season was so long ago. Actually, everytime I try to remember what happend I end up replaying Joe Pesci's, "You think I'm funny? I amuse you?" scene, from Goodfellas.

John McCain is on Sportscenter right now talking about what the government should do about Rafael Palmiero's steroid use. Hot damn, I didn't know we won the war on terror. I can't believe it. I mean, we must've won the war on terror, or what would a Senator be doing wasting his time talking about steroid abuse? What a relief. The war on terror is finally over. Praise Allah.

Speaking of Sportscenter, Mario Lopez, better known as AC Slater, is new doing a new segment on Sportscenter called ESPN Hollywood. He is so smiley its ridiculous. Mario, we all know you want to kill people, from Zach Morris to Stuart Scott. Let it go bud, you don't have to smile the whole time. It's offensive.

A new poll says that Lucille Ball is America's favorite dead celebrity. I'm sure Lucy would be incredibly happy to know that we still love Lucy, dead or alive.

I wonder what Lucille Ball would be doing in television right now if she were alive. I assume she and Ricky would be doing some sort of wife-swap thing with Fred and Ethel.

They'd still all sleep in seperate beds, so I'm not sure it would have the gravity that today's shows possess.

The second installment of Deuce Bigelow comes out today. I will continue to sit by my phone waiting for an apology from someone in showbiz.

Watching the women of The View talk to Rob Schneider about Duece Bigelow as I write this. I'm trying to figure out if them pretending to respect him is worse than him trying to pretend that the movie is funny. Let's just call it an even split.

Denny's is now offering double-the-sausage for no extra-charge. That's great, let's fatten up people that go to Denny's even more. Why even have them come to the restaurant at all, can't we just deliver double-sausage to their trailers?

Many people are saying that President Bush should meet with this woman who is camping outside Bush's ranch because she wants to get the troops out of Iraq. In a twist to this story, my mom is now camping outside the ranch in an effort to get President Bush to convince me to stop being a comedian.

Okay, that's it for now, gotta go help Tiger Woods with his stroke, he's playing like crap.

Thursday, August 11, 2005


Not sure what to write about today, so how about a life update...

Looks like The Comedy Company will be closing it's doors as of August 20th. This may be a temporary closing, or it might be a permanent one, we're still not sure. We do know for sure that they are doing some construction down there, and that the time has come for us to move on. I'm incredibly proud of what we've accomplished at CC in the last 2 years. We gave the power back to the comics in a time when the clubs are pretty much abusing everyone. All our comics got to do more time and learn more from each other in an atmosphere that was something completely different from anything in the current stand-up landscape.

We've done comedy with no rules and no bullshit, and in some ways I guess that's why we're still relatively unknown, because the industry is always the last to know when something good is going on. And, while I'm not sure how I'm going to make my living after this, it's been incredible learning my craft with some great comedians, all on our own terms. Doing this under the radar has made it like our little secret, and now we've got to figure out how to share it with everyone else.

So, while overall I'm excited for this next phase, and I've got a couple cool things lined up that I'll discuss over the next few weeks, I am a little worried cuz my cash flow is about to come to a screaching halt. Yea, I'll hit the road more, so that'll be something, but not quite enough. Fortunately, I'm not a man of material things, so I'll be okay on way or another. I really don't need much to live besides rent and some food. Oh, and I'd like to get X-Men 2 on PS2 next month. That ain't too much to ask for is it?

As long as I'm discussing money, I should tell you I've made a whopping $26.28 from the Google Ads in the month that the've been up. That turns into almost a dollar a day, so if we keep that pace, I'll have almost a million dollars in a million days from right now. Patience is a virtue.

I'm thinking of putting up a Paypal button on here to let people donate to the Dave Fund. People sell themselves out in so many ways, but is it selling yourself out if you are just getting enough money to live onwhile you still chase your dream? Actually, I'm pretty sure that's the complete reverse of selling out. So, a Paypal button might be coming. And then, for just 12 cents a day you can help feed a starving boy in Africa. Err, I mean a starving boy on the Upper West Side.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


Well, I wondered it, and it happened. Dorothy made her return on Golden Palace last night. She was back just to visit but then decided that she was going to take Sophia back to Atlanta to live with her. It wasn't quite the plot I had predicted involving Frank Drebin, but I'll take what I can get.

The show, which clearly wasn't as good as the original, had some bright moments with Dorothy back in the mix. Don Cheadle and Cheech Marin just look completely lost the whole time, but it was a nice effort by both.

I just realized that I started this posting by saying, "Well, I wondered it, and it happened." The problem with that is that what I wondered happened 12 years ago, and I didn't wonder it until 2 weeks ago. I'm like some sort of reverse mentalist or something.

Sorry for the late posting today. I really don't have a good excuse, unless you count that I was kidnapped by terrorist ninja's and wasn't able to break free until an hour ago.

Actually, I don't know for a fact that they were terrorists, but they defintely were ninja's.

On another note, I think the "Wanna Fanta" commercials are to the soft drink industry what Old Navy commercials are to the crappy clothing industry.

Gas prices continue to hit record levels. Good thing my time machine is powered by plutonium.

Terrell Owens left Eagles training camp today. WAAAAA! I only make 12 million dollars a year to play football! WAAAAA! I want more money! WAAAAAA! I want more respect! WAAAAA!

I feel for ya, big guy.

Okay, I gotta clean the ninja-blood of my shorts, more tommorrow.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Remember this poster? I think it was on the back of the box of all Transformer toys way back when. Well, it was on the back of the box of the medium and big ones at least, I don't remember what was on the back of the package for the small guys, like Bumblebee. Anyways, I can't explain how it happened, but a poster-size version of this picture has ended up in my apartment, and now I am carefully deliberating where to place it. Part of me wants it placed in the living room, but then I fear people will think I'm some sort of Transformer freak right when they come in. I prefer that they subtely come to that realization rather than me smashing them over the head with it. I could put it in the kitchen, but Transformers don't even eat food so that doesn't make sense. The bathroom would be simply offensive to the Transformer legacy, so that's out. That leaves only my bedroom, but I'm afraid I'll end up dreaming about the Decepticons all night if that's the last thing I see as I'm falling asleep.

This is gonna be a tough decision.

That reminds me that when I was a kid my parents wouldn't let me get the Megatron toy because he transformed into a gun. It was so strange because they gave me an AK-47 for my 12th birthday. It's those kind of mixed-messages that will really leave a kid conflicted about stuff.

NASA has an oribiter roaming Mars searchig for water. Why don't they just get Poland Springs like everyone else?

Great show last night at Comedy Company, with just myself, Bob Jeurgens and Mike Singer. We're truly the best three comedians nobody knows about. That's fun.

I'm not sure how Google places their ads on websites, but yesterday they were selling PSP software on the Daily Dave, the day before that they were selling Christian t-shirts, and today they're selling SpyWare Remover. What's the connection?

Going through the age-old bagel or eggs for breakfast debate. Eggs were up a few minutes ago, but bagel is making a last-second push.

Wayne Gretzky is going to coach the Phoenix Coyotes for the upcoming NHL season. Ha! Upcoming! NHL! Season! Hilarious!

Eggs win. Scrambled, with salt and pepper.

Monday, August 08, 2005


Via Instant Message, my friend Dan has requested a very funny posting today, because of my last posting, which he called, "Your most boring...ever." I'll try Dan.

So first off, lemme explain what caused me not to post on Thursday at 3 o'clock, as promised. I was taping the VH1 show, "Best Week Ever". The taping went really well, but started about an hour late, so I didn't get back here until about 4:30. When I got back, I was feeling creatively shot and I couldn't come up with much of anything. Then, for the rest of the day, I had this feeling that I'd somehow let down the readers here, but at the same time I kept thinking who am I letting down since the comments section is barely used. That, caused the crazy follow-up posting on Friday.

Best Week Ever aired Friday at 11 o'clock, and yours truly didn't make the cut. I was funny, funnier than pretty much everyone on there, but for whatever reason I didn't make it on. I've since heard from several sources that often people don't get on their first time, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't suck nonetheless.

On Saturday, feeling pretty depressed about BWE, but also wanting my most recent post to be anything beside what I wrote on Friday, I just posted some of the jokes that I used on Best Week Ever. While funny, they were completely out of context to what I like to do on the Daily Dave, and didn't have the heart I like to think exists here. So Dan was right, and the posting was probably my worst...ever.

Alright, well there will be plenty more chances to get on shows that I'm too funny for, so I'm off my soapbox now and back to myself...

Verizon just sent me a letter saying that for same price I am currently paying they can now offer me more daytime minutes if I come into the store. Seems too good to be true. I'm pretty sure it's one of those, "Come on in and we stick a micro-chip in your brain" deals.

Another fantastic Six Feet Under last night. It was making me think what I want to happen to me when I die. I think I'd like to be blasted into space. Not even attached to a rocket or anything, just my body shot-out of a giant cannon, like something Wile E. Coyote would do.

Tiff, I'm working on those underwear pictures you requested, but everytime I take them to the store to get devoloped the guy behind the counter claims, "They just dissapeared again." Weird, I know.

Flicking the channels as I write this and for some reason stopped on a WNBA repeat from last night. Good for them to keep trying even when nobody cares. That's what the dream is all about.
Have you seen pictures or video of Ricky Williams since his return to the Dolphins? I'm pretty sure the whole team will be smoking his beard after each loss.

Madden 2006 came out this week. I'm now officially four years off my Madden peak. Getting older ain't fun lemme tell ya. First your Madden skills go, and next, I assume, someone will have to change my diaper.

The top 3 phrases that people come to Rubinville are, "Horse Penis", "Horse Vagina" and "Darin Kagin".

Sorry, Darin.

Everytime I turn on Sportscenter and they are showing Nascar I feel like we're losing the War on Terror. Think about it.

Okay, that's it for today. Dan, I hope this one worked for ya, but it might take me another day or two to get my full flow going again. Damn you, VH1.

Saturday, August 06, 2005


And back to the funny...

This week marks the 60th anniversary of the USA dropping the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima. To commemorate the occasion, Iran announced it will continue it's nuclear program and bomb someone "as soon as humanely possible."

The new trend in Hollywood is wearing big sunglasses. Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan are all wearing. My sources say that the glasses were designed in Sweden and have a microchip built in to give whomever is wearing it some degree of talent.

Clearly the sunglasses don't work.

Speaking of talentless people, everyone seems to be upset that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey might be breaking up. I think it's because they couldn't combine there names to get a good nickname like TomKat or Brangelina. Nessica? That's no good. Jick? Sounds like a racist name for someone thats half -Jewish, half-Spanish.

Al Gore's new TV network, Current TV, went on the air this week. They call the studio "The Chemisphere". That's also what we called my friend Matt's basement when we made homeade crystal meth down there in the late 80's.

In Jimi Hendrix's new autobiography he says that in the 60's he got out of the army by pretending he was gay and saying he was addicted to masturbation. This is coming from one of the greatest guitarists of all-time. Please, if masturbating made you a better muscian I'd be the New York Philharmonic.

Besides that, there are no gay rock-stars. Gay people only exist on reality TV and on Showtime.

Battlestar Galactica is one of the big hits of the summer. This is just another step in nerds becoming mainstream. Battlestar Galactica nerds make Star Trek nerds look like Star Wars nerds, and Star Wars nerds look like Dungeons and Dragons nerds, and Dungeons and Dragons nerds look like Battle Star Galactic nerds.

Oh my God, the prophecy was was true!

Friday, August 05, 2005


So yesterday I fully intended to get back to my apartment around 3 o'clock and do my daily posting but I ended up getting sidetracked by a few things. I felt guilty all night, like somehow I'd let you down by telling you I was gonna post and then not doing it. Suddenly, I realized what a powerful outlet the Daily Dave has become for me. The world of stand-up is really a mess right now, and doing this journal in some ways has become more rewarding than that. So, at 4 in the morning I was sitting up thinking I had cheated whoever reads this because I didn't do what I said I was going to do.

Then I thought that's completely insane because as much as I've wanted to create some sort of dalogue with this thing, the comments section still doesn't get much action. So who is it that I'm feeling guilty for not posting for? I know I get a couple hundred hits a day, and when I check the WebStats I see people that some people even come back several times in a single day. Yet the comments section goes largely unused. Again, I thought, who am I doing this for?

The answer to that ultimately is "me". As a writer I'm doing this because part of me needs to create, and I just so happen to be doing this at a time when blogs exist. I don't know that simply keeping a journal in a notebook would be cutting it for me right now.

That brings me to you. I am really curious who is reading this. The numbers go up everyday and it's making me wonder who you are. I'm wondering about the people who just check in once, the people who check in everyday, and everyone in between. As a performer I need some of that gratification back. Just a little bit of something that lets me know that when I write this that it isn't just for me, cuz that just ain't enough of a reason to do it.

I'll explain over the weekend what caused me not to be able to post at 3 o'clock, and then what led to this whole waxing philosophic. In the meantime, if you could drop a note in the comments section, well, you'd make the day of some guy who is sitting at his computer wondering who you are.

Whoa, honesty ain't that hilarious.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Whoa, that's a giant clock.

I'll be posting today around 3 o'clock and I didn't want you to get worried, so here's a big clock for you to stare at until then. I know it isn't actually moving, but just pretend you're in high school again and that it's the end of the day, and you're waiting for the bell because a new Sega Genesis game is coming out. You're gonna get your bike and ride over to the mall with Brian and Jason. Yea, you're pretty damn cool.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I just took two cans of cat food, emptied them into a small dish, added a spoonful of pumpkin, squirted some sort of gel-like substance into it, and then mashed the hell out of the whole thing.

Lemme tell you, sooooooooooo tasty.

No, actually as many of you know, I really hate cats, and the only thing that surpasses my hatred of cats is my allergies to them. However, as I write this, I am at my grandmother's apartment helping her out because she threw out her back a few days ago. Basically, helping my grandmother means feeding the cat, cleaning the cat, and generally offering words of advice to the cat. Most importantly though, I just offer my ear when the cat needs someone to meow to.

At this point I'm not sure who is in charge here, my grandma, me, or the cat.

Actually, I am sure, and it ain't grandma or Dave.

My allergies are going bonkers right now. One more sneeze and I'll be in the Guiness Book of World Records.

For killing a cat the quickest.

Gotta get going now, grandma is calling. I probably didnt' break up the cat treats into small enough pieces. Why do they make those things so damn hard to break? They're just too small for my fingers. Damn you, cat-food industry! Damn you to hell!

I'll try to check in later, or if I'm too busy I'll have the cat write a little somethin-somethin.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


Here's the picture for the posting below. Once I told the computer I was gonna sell it for parts it suddenly knew how to post a picture. How typical.
Pictures don't seem to be loading at the moment, so we're gonna have to do this circa 2004.

Caught this week's Six Feet Under this morning. If you haven't seen it and plan on seeing it you might want to stop reading right now.

They killed off Nate, who I have several times written about being the best character on TV. It wasn't unexpected after he collapsed at the end of last week's episode, but still it was powerful. I love the show, so I'll trust that this will take it in a new, fresh direction, but that can't stop me from thinking about all the other characters on TV that should've been killed instead.

I don't want to be mean, so I won't list them all, but lets just say if there was a horrific car accident on the George Lopez Show, it might make for an interesting twist.

So Rafael Palmiero was suspended for steroids yesterday. Now as a comic, I am trained to make a joke about the fact that he is also the Viagra pitchman. But, since Leno and Letterman will have 20 people each working on those jokes I'll just let you write your own. Think something about a rock hard penis being used to hit homeruns.

Palmiero was one of the handful of baseball players who testified before Congress about the steroids scandal. He waived his finger at Congress as he told them he has never used steroids. Whoa, Congress being lied to, instead of doing the lying. Lyndon LaRouche was right!

I'm not sure what that meant either, just felt right.

George Lucas is in Asia right now working on a 3-D animated Clone Wars series. Yup, 3-D lightsabers. 3-D porn will obviously be next. And then after that, 3-D baseball starring Rafael Palmiero.

Argh, why can't I get that picture to load? I'm sure there is something I'm doing that is preventing it from happening, but I really have no idea. I'd call the people at Dell, but I have a Hewlett Packard.

I just showered. Yea, that's right, I just took a shower between that thing about the picture loading and right now. As I was typing I just started to feel dirty and I remembered that the best way to clean yourself is through a shower. So I made it happen. Impressive, I know.

Ya think anyone has ever done that in the history of blogging? I might be the first ever clean blogger.

Monday, August 01, 2005

CNN.com's lead stories today...

Bush Appoint's Bolton as U.N. Ambassador
Saudi Arabi's King Fhad Dies
Space Station Repairs Underway
Next Season's Simpsons guests are...

Who decides the order of these things? I mean, fine, maybe Bolton to the United Nations is number one for today, but I think we'd all agree that knowing that Dennis Rodman is a guest star on next season's Simpsons is way more important that King Fahd dying. Please, the guy was in a coma for the past 10 years. Guest stars only get announced one day a year.

Ironically, al-Jazzera.com led with the Simpsons story. Apparently, the Arab World loves Groundskeeper Willy.

I think my all-time two favorite Simpsons are the one where Homer eats the Guatemalan Insanity Pepper and the Halloween Episode where Lisa creates life in a petrie dish. Anyone with me on those two?

The ladies of The View are talking about poor Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, who claim not to like each other, yet will do another season of "Simple Life". Hmm, call me a cynic but maybe they are just making up the whole fued just for the free publicity? C'mon Starr Jones, call it like it is! Say allegedly if you have to! File a leagal brief! Eat a piece of cake! Just do something!

Current TV, Al Gore's new TV network is officially on the air today. Tune in at 3 p.m. to see Al arm wrestle John Kerry.

The people who brought us the Atkins Diet have declared bankruptcy. How funny would it be if they became homeless and had to eat only bread scraps from the dumpsters of bakeries?

So I'm back to city comedy after the big weekend on the road. The last two shows really were great, and despite being in the middle of nowhere the whole weekend was a lot of fun. Now back to the Comedy Company, with it's leaky ceiling, no air-conditioning and strange smell. Come on down and see a great show!