Wednesday, November 30, 2005

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Been a long day but I want to get something up so it's time for the Top Ten Google Search Phrases that bring people to The Daily Dave...

1. Dave Rubin
2. Kyra Phillips
3. David Rubin
4. Dan Abrams Toupee
5. Horse Vagina
6. Horse Penis
7. Joanna Kearns
8. Ikky Shuffle
9. Darin Kagin
10. Felecia Rashaad

First off, let me say that I'm fairly certain that those ten things have never been put in a list together. Secondly, what an honor it is for me, Dave Rubin, to finally make number 1 on my own top ten list. I've long trailed Kyra Phillips and Horse Vagina, but I've finally had my day. Interestingly Woody Paige, who made a huge jump last time I did a Top Ten dropped to 16th. What's up Woodrow?

In case you haven't figured it out, the man in the picture above is MSNBC's Dan Abrams. Apparently, I'm not the only one out there wondering what it is on his head. Unfortunately for him nobody seems to care what's in his head.

Take that cable news channel that nobody watches!

On a semi-sorta-kinda serious note, I want to thank all of you that keep coming back here to read this stuff. The hits have gone up every month this year with huge increases the last two months. I'm just trying to put funny/interesting stuff out there, and it's nice to see that it's spreading around.

Don't worry, that's it for the thank-you's. Except for a personal thank you to Starscream for never giving up his dream of being the leader of the Decepticons. You taught me never to give up my dreams either and I can never thank you enough for that. One day I know that I'll finally accomplish my dream of destroying the Autobots and ruling the world forever. It'll be in large part because of you, pal.

Hey, cut me some slask it's been months since a Transformers reference.

In other news, GWB gave a big speech about the war today. I'll tell ya, he's really getting better at this teleprompter thing. For a moment I thought he was reading off old fashioned cue-cards, that's how much he's improved.

CNN.com had a headline today that reads, "Will your BlackBerry be shut down?" I didn't even know I had a BlackBerry. I better make a call. Can I even make a call on a device I'm not sure I have? This is all very philosophic. I need answers ASAP. CNN.com, refresh your headlines for god's sake, I don't know what to do!

Monday, November 28, 2005

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We'll get to Circuiy City in a moment, here's just a couple other things first...

This morning on Sportscenter, Stuart Scott previewed the Nets-Lakers game by saying, "How things almost got mad ugly on the court Sunday night." Stuart, you are a main reason I have to keep the remote control in my hand when I watch ESPN these days.

The CNN crawler this morning said something about how a star of MTV's "Laguna Beach" called off his engagement. This is why the terrorists hate us, folks.

A headline on Reuters news service today reads, "Study - Longer needles needed for fatter buttocks." Well I'll be damned.

Okay, now to Circuit City. I went there on Friday with the idea of making a purchase. That's usually why I go to stores and it was no different on this day. In I went to look at the electronic device, (I'd tell you which one more specifically but I can't have you knowing too much about me), only to find it for 850 dollars more expensive than the exact same model I had just seen at PC Richard's. Being the keen shopper I am I went up to a salesman and asked him about the Circuit City policy of matching prices and then giving you 10 percent of the difference.

Before I continue, let me mention that I am using the word "salesman" in the loosest sense of the word. He was no more than 23 or 24, had his shirt untucked and had incredibly bad breath. He also had body language which seemed to say, "I don't work on commission so don't make this difficult for me, okay?" Anyway, I asked him if he would match the price and do the 10 percent and he said that I needed to show it to him in writing. I told him that I didn't have it in writing but if he would call the store I'm sure they could verify it. He then told me that he knew that PC Richard didn't have it in stock. I asked him to call anyway since I had just been there and knew that they did have it, and he finally agreed to do so. Knowing he wouldn't be able to make the final decision on this matter what I asked to speak to a manager. He rolled his eyes and then told me that the manager was on his lunch break and that I should not disturb him. Being the crazy mo-fo that I am, I chose to disturb.

He sent me to customer service to have the manager paged. I stood there for a few minutes while the girl behind the counter stared at me while rudely talking to someone on the phone. Finally, she asked me what I wanted and I told her I wanted the manager paged. She too rolled her eyes, as if I was asking to have a sit down with Tony Soprano, but then did page him. I waited there another 10 minutes or so and then he showed up, with the "salesman" right behind him.

He told me that they called over to PC Richard and that they didn't have it in stock. I told him that I knew they did but I would gladly buy it at Circuit City if he would just match the price and give me the 10 percent of the difference just as their ads claim. Instead he said that he would knock off 400 bucks of their price. I found that pretty interesting since a moment ago he had claimed PC Richard didn't even have it. He had major attitude the whole time and when I told him that was still about 450 dollars more expensive he told me to go buy it at PC Richard.

So anyway, I'm sitting here watching my new electronic device from PC Richard. Oh, I shouldn't have said "watching" there, damnit, now you know. The people at PC Richard seemed knowledgable and friendly AND had the better price by 850 bucks. The people at Circuit City were all about attitude and seemingly couldn't care less whether I purchased something their or not. The first guy's bad breath and the manager's indifference just added to the whole thing.

So, while I'm not gonna send a letter to Circuit City, I'll just hope that a couple of you don't shop there this season and instead go to PC Richard or anywhere else after hearing about my experience. Crazy Eddie is hiding somewhere in Europe on tax evasion charges, but I'm sure he has a website.

The whole thing rings with a little irony when you hear the Circuit City slogan, "Just what I needed." In this case it was actually the complete reverse.

I'll be back with more jokes from the headlines tommorrow. Unless the Circuit City people put a contract out on me, which I wouldn't put past them, except they really are indifferent about their business so I'm not too worried.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

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Pat Morita, better known as Mr. Miyagi, passed away this weekend. Karate Kid is one of the great movies of the 80's in part because of Miyagi's "Wax on, wax off" speech. Tell me you don't say that to yourself when you wax your '84 Camaro.

So long Mr. Miyagi. Daniel-san wasn't the only one you taught a thing or two too.

Just bought a fresh pineapple which I intend on eating right after this posting. Someone told me you can grill pineapple and serve is as a sidedish, does anyone know anything about that?

I had an incident at Circuit City on Friday that left my vowing to never go back there. Customer service is dying right in front of our eyes folks. I'll give a detailed description of the event tommorrow because I first need to rehash the whole thing in my brain before I write it out.

Thanksgiving was very pleasant. Family was well-behaved and in good-spirits. I know you shouldn't cover the turkey in a Prozac glaze, but you can't argue with the results.

Watched the movie "Flight of the Phoenix" yesterday. It's a very average "I don't want to get up from the couch on a Saturday" type of movie.

Hmm, I'd like to see that quote in a movie commercial instead of the standard bull that we are normally fed from critics and magazines and websites that we've never heard of. Not every movie is "Fascinating" and "Ground-Breaking." Some are just "Pandering" and "Helping You
Pass The Time Until You Die."

Circuit City story coming tommorrow. If you must buy something electronic before then I know this crazy guy named Eddie who will gladly slash prices for you...

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

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X-Box 360 is out as of today, which means I'm officially one generation behind the video game console market. I don't really feel like I'm from another generation but I know I am. Just yesterday I was about to sit on the couch and I pulled my pants up just a wee-bit from right above the knees. Once you do that you are officially no longer the current generation. That and having an old-video game system are pretty much the two big signs of aging.

Ted Koppel is leaving "Nightline" after 25 years of anchoring the program. Don't worry if you're a die-hard fan of Koppel, his toupee will continue to host the show until a suitable replacement has been found.

Yes, that was hacky, but I got to it before the late-night talk shows. Take that people that make way more money than I do!

On Foxnews.com they have a headline under "The O'Reilly Factor" that says, "Do we need to protect Chistmas?" Hmm. Good question. I'd say just put a force field around it and let see what happens.

My mom keeps calling me to tell me to get a flu shot. I suppose that's what you get when you admit to your mom that you sleep with chickens, ducks, and various other birds.

Getting ready for Thanksgiving. I've begun the medication and drinking, now I just need the Turkey and the other medications.

I'm considering an early posting tommorrow, like the good old days of just a few weeks ago. Yea, you see, in my generation we got up early and posted to our blogs, not like the kids these days with their all night partying and their myspace's and friendstereses.

Now you'll have to excuse me I'm gonna have my Metamucil and hit the sack.

Monday, November 21, 2005

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The world's largest aquarium opened today in Atlanta, Georgia. Wouldn't it be funny to have a movie where Jim Carrey inherits an aquarium and all sorts of crazy hijinks ensue?

Oh wait, that was the movie that Albert Brooks' character was writing in the movie "The Muse."

And that's the first time anyone has ever mentioned that movie in a blog. Though it is a fine movie, it isn't his best work. If you want to see a better Albert Brooks movie I'd recommend "Mother" or "Defending Your Life."

Feeling really inspired the last couple days but still unsure of how to focus the energy. Anyone have a Inspired Energy Focuser I can borrow?

Oprah is gonna do Letterman after years of him begging. Just goes to show that persistence works. Well, persistence and the need of the other person to promote their upcoming Broadway show.

I'm very half-assedly watching "Medium" on NBC in 3-D. Maybe it's cuz I don't have 3-D glasses, but this sucks.

Hmm, half-asses, 3-D glasses and sucking, that gives me an idea. I gotta call the people in research and development...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

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Soundwave just made a guest appearance on Family Guy. Within minutes I had received three text messages and one phone call.

The phone call was from Starscream who had coincidentally gotten locked out of his apartment and needed to pick up the set of keys he leaves here.

I'd write more but I have to get the Energon Cubes out of the oven before he gets here. Nobody likes burnt Energon...
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According to a new study in the New England Journal of Medicine, Viagra may be useful for serious lung disease in men. The study fails to mention that Viagra can cause serious lung damage to women.

Pretty sure that's my first ever Viagra joke here in The Daily Dave. And that includes the big Viagra joke-boom of 2000.

Saw the X-Box 360 in action yesterday at Best Buy. It looks like a lot of fun and yet all I left the store with was Norton Antivirus 2005. That says a lot about the state of my life.

Have you seen the commercials for the new Dennis Quade/Renee Russo movie where they have way more kids than they can handle? I can't wait to see that one.

Family Guy in 6 minutes. Must prepare plate of cookies. Goodbye.

Friday, November 18, 2005

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First off, thanks to everyone who came to the show at Stand Up NY last night. The show was completely sold-out and pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. It's also nice actually hearing your laughs instead of getting e-mails about them.

The highlight of the show was probably when I said to a white-haired woman sitting in the front row, "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Bea Arthur!" The crowd first laughed, then felt weird because she clearly was offended by the comment. Little does she know how often I find a way of writing about Bea here in The Daily Dave. You just can't pay a woman a compliment anymore, I guess.

That situation was coupled with the fact I had already gotten into it with a jack-ass in the front row who refused to face the stage. He also wouldn't remove his feet from the stage, which made for a very odd situation. The whole thing was real and funny and crazy, just the way I like it. In a moment of passion a man even threw a lemon at me, though he missed badly. I got all kinds of interesting compliments after the show, my favorite being from a girl who came up to me and said, "I'm so sorry about what happened, you were was hilarious!"

It'll never cease to amaze me how people think that anything a comedian does serves any other purpose than to be funny. I guess that's the smoke and mirrors part of the whole thing, and I probably shouldn't have just said it aloud. Forget I even mentioned it. Here, look into this light for a second while I put on my dark black sunglasses...

(FLASH!)

Today is the one year anniversary of the big NBA brawl. The NBA is commemorating the event at halftime of tonight's Pacers-Pistons game by having Ben Wallace and Ron Artest square-off in a steel cage match.

CNN.com has a headline that reads, "Did South Park go too far in mocking Tom Cruise?" I don't know what they did, but the anwer is a definitive "No."

Tuna or tuna for lunch today? Hmm, I'm thinking tuna.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

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As I mentioned here the other day, Regis is going to host a new version of "This is Your Life." Then today, the original host of the series, Ralph Edwards dropped dead. Coincidence? I think not.

Regis knew he could never get out of Ralph Edwards' shadow and hatched this plot many years ago. He waited until Ralph was 92 so that it would look like he died of old age. My source, you ask? The one and only Bob Woodward. He's got his finger in everything.

I was waiting to do the same to Regis so that I could take over one of his 15 shows, but it turns out that he's already 103 years old and I missed my chance 11 years ago. He's againg incredible well, how was I supposed to know he was that old?

Michael Jackson got caught walking into a woman's restroom in Bahrain earlier this week. He claimed that it was a simple mistake because he doesn't speak Arabic. It turns out that he thought the sign said, "Horrifically Misfigured Former Pop Stars Who Like to Lick Children's Heads."

Understandable mistake.

Lisa Loeb will be looking for a boyfriend in her new reality series on the E! Channel. I gotta shine my thick-rimmed glasses!

Something about Google is starting to seem evil to me in a Microsoft kinda way, anyone agree?

Gotta run, I just remembered that I don't even have thick-rimmed glasses in the first place. Without them I have no chance to get with Lisa, nor to get on VH1.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

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Earlier today, the Republican controlled Senate blocked the Democrats effort to force President Bush to outline a timetable for the withdrawl of Iraq. Whether you're for or against the war how can you argue that having a timetable is a bad idea? Are we really just winging this whole thing? The war is becoming like a friend from out of town who doesn't get off your couch. And of top of that, he is also stealing heating oil from your basement.

According to Channel 9 News in Florida, "Cool mom" Silvia Johnson threw parties and had sex with two of her teenage sons friends. Are the quotes really necessary there? We get it, she's cool. Really, really cool.

On Foxnews.com they call her "Sex mom". Either way it's win-win for the kids, I just find it interesting as an editorial sidenote.

Speaking of Foxnews, I fell asleep the other night while watching it. I had a nightmare that a gay couple had an abortion while burning the American flag.

Bill O'Rielly and Greta Van Susteren were the gay couple.

Yea, they are a man and a woman, it was a dream, I can't really explain it.

Nor can I explain how Bill O'Rielly was giving birth.

I had lunch at Ranch 1 today. Best Chicken Sandwich on Earth my ass.

I'm gonna end with that for now. For now on may you think of my ass when you think of Ranch 1.

Oh yea, don't forget the baked potato, they're delicious.

Monday, November 14, 2005

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And the new quarterback of the Jets is Al Gore!

No, he's not, but I finally was able to post the new podcast, so I figured I'd honor the guy who invented the internet. Here's to you, Al.

Check out the new podcast. It takes a minute or two to load, but so do most good sexual experiences...
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It gives a new meaning to a woman wearing a strap-on, doesn't it? Hey, if nothing else she now has a great video for internet dating since she is single again.

Jev Bush said he might run for president, just not in 2008. Can we make a lay barring more Bush in the White House? Didn't we leave England because it had a ruling family? If I have to get on a boat and look for the new world I'm not gonna be happy.

Actually, why the hell not, what would I be missing here?

Andrew Tavani got an interivew with Ralph Nader over the weekend. I'm interviewing cartoon characters and he's getting actual people, that's the difference between us. Check it out at www.andrewtavani.blogspot.com.

Okay, running out for a moment, but I will return later. I just wanted to get something up early today since I've been posting in the later afternoon recently. No thanks necessary, it is implied in our unspoken relationship.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

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Heading to a wedding today. My family will be there as well as many of my friends. World's are colliding!

Saw Derailed with Jennifer Anniston last night. Pretty good flick. The moron couple behind me brought their four year old son who kicked my seat constantly and didn't shut up the entire time. I got this close to derailing his graduation to kindergarten, but calmer heads prevailed.

Hmm, I wonder if anyone in my family is gonna ask when I'm getting married. Hmm, hmm...

Friday, November 11, 2005

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Arrested Development got cancelled today due to perpetually low ratings. I never watched it but one time somebody told me to check it out. Oh well.

The podcast is still lost in FTP purgatory. I swear we actually made a podcast, please, please, believe me.

President Bush once again today promised to "complete the mission" in Iraq. God bless that guy, he just doesn't give up.

Threw out a bunch of socks with holes in them today. For some reason I had a hard time actually getting rid of them. There's something about desecreating a holy site, err, I mean sock.

Regis Philbin will be hosting a new version of "This Is Your Life". That's good, he doesn't get enough airtime.

I'm still waiting for someone to purchase me the 500 dollar ticket to meet Bea Arthur. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Ferris Bueller?

Speaking of Ferris, I never understood why they thought that running Cameron's father's car in reverse would take miles off. How does that make any sense?

Okay, gotta go, my feet are freezing I'm out of socks...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

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Yea, this flyer is a little too small, but seeing as I still haven't been able to upload the last podcast I'll take what I can get at the moment.

I rarely, if ever, use The Daily Dave to promote anything, but next Thursday, November 17th, I'm doing a comedy show that will be worthy of having you come to. Yes, you, I'm talking directly to you.

The show will be with myself and four or five of my favorite comics that I've been working since the beginning. We're doing the gig as a little showcase to friends and family since there are so few shows that are worth telling people to actually come to. Here's the details...

Stand Up NY
7:00 pm
Thursday, November 17th
212.595.0850

Make sure you call for reservations for the 7 pm show.

I promise this'll be a good one. Drop me an e-mail and let me know you're coming and maybe I'll even say hello!

Gonna work on the podcast again, I'll check in with the funny later...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

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That's an Apple 2c, which was the first computer in the Rubin household. As I've spent the last four hours trying to upload the new podcast it dawned on me that I could've been using one of these and I would've had as much success.

For some reason I just can't get the file to upload to the Rubinville server. I'm currently working with the webmaster and hopefully it'll be up by the time you read this. There is also a chance that I'll give up and chuck my computer out the window. If you're on the Upper West Side around 3 a.m. tonight you might want to keep your head up in case of a flying laptop.

On another note, can someone please tell network executives that we don't want to visit websites to see deleted scenes from shows we just watched? Most likely the show isn't that good in the first place, and if these scene got deleted, well, do I even have to finish this sentence?

(If you'd like to see the unedited version of that paragraph tune-in to next week's episode.)

Okay, I'm gonna go stretch my arm before the big laptop toss.
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Just back from a trip to Radio Shack and the Apple Store. Chatted with old-school nerds at Radio Shack and new-school nerds at Apple. Guess where I fit in more...

Heading out right now to meet with Andrew Tavani to work on a new podcast. It's gonna have a new format, and a fresh, new style.

Yea, I said "fresh, new". They are good buzz-words when promoting things.

It should be up later this afternoon. Stay tuned...

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

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Bumped into Richard Jefferson while walking down 7th Avenue this afternoon. He was enjoying a Jamba Juice quite thoughroughly so we only spoke for about 15 seconds. I told him the Nets were robbed last night, and not surprisingly he agreed. Unlike several other athletes that I've met, he was friendly and happy to stop and chat. The guy is a class act and a great player.

I, on the other hand, am a partial-class act and a decent player. That difference is reflected in the disparity in our yearly incomes.

Bloomberg and Corzine are have both won their respective elections. That means that it's time for me to start working on a 2006 campaign. I wonder if Warren Beaty is ready to start the California recall process yet.

I clipped my nails this morning and then ended up having to lift a bunch of boxes throughout the day. Now all ten of my fingers have that sore feeling right beneath the nail. Is there any worse feeling than that?

Busted out an old pairs of jeans today that had mistakenly fallen out of the regular rotation. Now I'm up to a 3 pair rotation. Sometimes they get back-to-back usage, but I try not to promote that too much.

Alright that's for me, I've got a red-eye to Paris, someone's gotta stop this chaos...
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Damn butterfly ballot, I got a nasty papercut just before I accidentely voted for Hitler.

Yea, I just voted. If you're reading this and you didn't vote yet get out there and do it. It'll make you think you are part of the political process, although in truth all you are doing is opening and closing a heavy curtain.

I've been lifting a lot of crap today so I'll write more later, my fingers need some rest.

Monday, November 07, 2005

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Election day is tommorrow, folks. I know that most of you won't vote, I mean this is America, not Iraq, but still, I'd like to endorse a couple candidates...

Mike Bloomberg for Mayor of NYC. Yea, he's nerdy. Yea, he's rich. But the city is safe, clean and he even rides the subway sometimes. Anyone who can deal with the smell of the 59th and Lexington stop smell is worth voting for.

Jon Corzine for Governor of New Jersey. Yea, he's rich too, and he never shaved the beard like I recommended, but he did heed my call to put some positive ads out there. Also, I saw a picture of Doug Forrester standing next to President Bush, so we can only assume he is a villian.

For anyone who thinks that my endorsements were purchased by these billionaires I can only say that there is no proof of that. It's a complete coincidence that Bea Arthur has decided to do her show in my living room for me and a couple of my closest friends.

Somehow that seemed dirtier than it was intended.

Terrell Owens has finally been suspended by the Eagles for mouthing off too much. They really took way too long on this one. The only group more tolerant of a insubordinate like Owens are the Looney Tunes, who not once ever suspended Daffy Duck despite his constant undermining of everything Bugs Bunny did.

Yea, that Chuck Jones sure let the inmates run the asylum.

Do I mean Chuck Jones? He invented Bugs Bunny, right? And who is Friz Freiling? That name is popping into my head for some reason.

Wait, Chuck Jones invented the basketball sneaker, didn't he?

No, that's Chuck Taylor. And I'm not sure he invented them. Maybe I'm talking about Rip Taylor. Hmm, no, that's the confetti guy. Wait, did I mean Taylor Dane? No, I don't think so, she sang one good song in 1989. Maybe I was talking about a Great Dane. Yea, that sounds right.

This is what happens when I do a posting at night after eating ice cream.

Howard Stern got suspended for a day for promoting Sirius radio while he is still broadcasting from the planet Earth. I rarely am awake early enough to listen to Stern, but when I do he is usually doing really good stuff. Dare I say I'm going to buy a Sirius radio the day after he gets on there.

I don't want to buy it on the first day because I have a feeling that the government might somehow blow-up the satellite and then claim that it was an asteroid, but if that doesn't happen on the first day you can count me in.

I've been on quite a run with predications lately, so keep that one in mind. It came to me while drunk and playing Asteroids at the arcade.

That's it for now. Vote tommorrow. If you don't, we'll eventually become a dictatorship and then have to invade ourselves.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

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We've all been caught in this situation, right?

Actually, I'm posting that picture because I've been working on a new project and I keep saying, "We need to do something more Naked Gun style." Then, tonight on Family Guy they opened with a hilarious Naked Gun style opening. The whole episode was brilliant and it even included a cameo from Cobra Commander. To top it all off, there was a Playstation 2 commercial featuring the theme song to The Golden Girls.

Hmm, could the world be catching up with me? Suddenly, I am afraid. Very afraid.

Speaking of the Golden Girls, Bea Arthur is doing a one-night only performance of her show "Just Between Friends" on November 21st, just a few blocks away from my apartment. For 500 bucks you get to meet her after the show. Anyone wanna buy me a ticket?

Phil Collins says he is open to a Genesis reunion. Who would wany Genesis anymore? With the high-powered processers of X-Box 360 and PS3 coming out, I don't see a real market for a 16-bit system.

At a 42nd Street movie theatre this weekend parents and kids alike were shocked during "Chicken Little" when instead of seeing the movie, they saw a scene from a foreign film with a young boy hanging himself. Scary yes, but didn't the whole sky fall in Chicken Little? Umm, excuse me, but I think that's just a little bit worse.

Speaking of chicken, it's time for left-overs...

Friday, November 04, 2005

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Remember this lady who was always trying to sleep with Foghorn Leghorn? Nothing personal to her, but I made chicken for dinner tonight.

I make a really good chicken cutlet. Hmm, I wonder if Martha Stewart would be interested in cooking it with me sometime. If she isn't I will have no choice but to give the recipe to Slugworth.

One committment I'd like to make to you here at The Daily Dave that I will never write about Britney Spears' husband. I didn't even mention his name in that sentence to prove that very point.

Did I punctuate Spears' correctly there? I never know how to do that when the person ends there name with an "S". It's like when Homer says "The Flandereseses."

Does anyone know what team Latrell Sprewell is on? I'm curious, but I don't care enough to check NBA.com.

Porn is the new big thing for the video iPod. Unfortunately, the small screen size makes all porn look like midget-porn. Even worse than that is if you watch genuine midget porn on the video iPod it looks like Umpa-Loompa's getting it on.

Two "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" references in one post. Amazing!

Yes, I called it "Willy Wonka", not "Charlie". If you're curious why, go back to my posting a few months ago about Gene Wilder. If you're not interested, check it out anyway, it's always good to find new interests.

I'm sure Apple will find a way to capitalize on this whole porn thing, perhaps by coming out with a new iPod designed specifically for the midget porn afficionado.

Speaking of midget porn, I have to be somewhere in 15 minutes. Take care.
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The Summit of the Americas in Argentina is quickly turning into The Summit of Burning as Much as Stuff as Possible. Most of the anger is directed at President Bush because of America's foreign policy. When he heard about the rioting Bush announced that America will push back our timeline to attack Iran and Syria. So far, it hasn't quelled the violence.

I apologize for the random and late postings this past week. I've been busy and on top of that my FTP was all wacked out.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, FTP is mad wack.

Aaron Brown has gotten the boot from CNN. There was something about him that I actually like, which probably explains why they took him off the air.

Record numbers of hits have been registered each day here for the past 6 days. Looks like my comedy is spreading like a riot in Argentina...or Paris...or Baghdad. Pick a burning city, any burning city.

It's barely 5 in the afternoon and it's almost completely dark outside. Who sets up the daylight savings time schedule, vampires?

Okay, I'm starving but I promise to check in later today. The only thing that will stop me is a mad wack FTP or a nasty vampire bite.

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Here's the picture of the Senate building for yesterday's post. It's 7 am right now. Why am I awake?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

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Pics aren't loading at the moment. You know my feelings about that but I'm gonna try nonetheless...

Earlier today, the Senate announced that it passed a budget bill that cuts 36 billion dollars in spending. Two hours later they announced 56 billion dollars in new spending.

Does anyone believe anything that any politician says about anything, much less money? I really think they just make up ridiculous numbers for everything just to see how far they can go before we revolt. 36 billion cut...72 billion for the war...28 billion for hurricane reconstruction. Those money printing machines in Washington must be running out of toner.

Ironically, they cut 2 billion dollars in toner. Go figure.

The big pet this year, according to today's NY Post is the puggle, which is a cross between a beagle and a pug. Next year I'm guessing the hot pet will be a hamrot, which will be a cross between a hamster and a parrot. I predict that people will go so crazy trying to get hamrots that some people will just buy a rotting ham and tell people that they have an authentic one.

I just can't do this without the pic, I'm sorry. I'll try again at approximately 10 pm eastern standard time. Either that or 7 pm pacific time, whichever comes first.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

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It just took about 15 do-overs to get the picture above to load. I haven't called a "do-over" since 4th grade kickball when Jon kicked the red ball into the swings and claimed that it was a homerun. We all knew that a homerun was only if it went over the swings, not into the swings, but Jon remained obstinate. Ultimately, we called it a do-over and Jon instead kicked the ball over the fence into old-man McGilliguty's yard. It hit old-man McGilliguty's wife in the head while she was going down on old-man McGillicuty and she died of a severe throat puncture.

So that's why I haven't called a do-over in so long. It's also why I haven't played kickball in so long. I don't think it has anything to do with why I wasn't invited to old-man McGillicuty's daughters wedding, however. That was because of a stickball game gone awry in 6th grade.

Anyhoo, the picture above is "Apparition of Face and Fruit Dish on a Beach" by Salvadore Dali. I spent four years of college smoking pot while staring at that picture. Interestingly, that is the very same picture that old-man McGulliguty had in his basement. His wife had hung it there for him the day before his penis penetrated through the walls of her lungs.

Where am I going with all this, you ask?

The answer is that I had nothing specific to write about tonight so I thought I'd just post a picture that I like and then see what happens. Everything you've read so far is the result of that simple choice.

Ah, simple choices. Old-Man McGillicuty's wife was a woman of simple choices. As a matter of fact she had just decided to stay home and service her husband instead of going to exchange some shoes at Macy's when the kickball hit her in the head. Life is strange, isn't it?

In other news, Muslim youths are on their 7th day of rampaging through the Paris suburbs. That reminds me of the time when old-man McGillicuty took his wife to Paris and they made love in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

It turned out that they were in fact in Italy, not Paris, but old-man McGillicuty knew his wife would never know the difference. The woman had no sense of direction.

Okay, I seriously need to get some sleep.

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I was looking around the net when I came across this headline on Yahoo...

"Simpson sought therapy over marriage rumors"

I swear that my first though was Homer and Marge. 18 years of dysfunction had finally come to a head.

Thank god it was just the ficticious couple of Nick and Jessica Simpson.

I gotta run out, but I'll check in later. This CIA leak thing is killing me...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

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No, that's not a shot of last night's Lakers/Celtics game. It's a screen capture from NBA Live 95 on Sega Genesis. Sorry for pulling the old switcharoo on you.

The NBA season begins tonight and my prediction is that there will be 4 race riots, 3 rapes, 1 murder and a handful of guys who are suspended for wearing t-shirts on the team plane.

The t-shirt guys will deservedly get the longest suspensions.

As I'm sure you've noted, this is my second consecutive late posting. I'm sure you are wondering what's going on with me, but for national security reasons I cannot say.

Okay, okay, real quick, I'm involved in the CIA leak investigation. I once had lunch with Marla Maples, Scooter Libby and Tom Arnold. Oh no, I've said too much.

Speaking of CIA leak, screw Trent Lott for questioning whether Karl Rove should resign or not. I like my good guys good and my bad guys bad. I simply can't have crossover in this regard. That'd be like Soundwave suddenly saying he's gonna spin some tunes for the Autobots.

Australian authorities are looking into a specific terror threat for their country. Picking up on a tip from the New York Police Department, they will be randomly searching kangaroo pouches when they enter the subway.

Apple has sold a million videos for the video iPod in just twenty days. Conversely, they've sold only one video iPod made of real apples in the three months that they've been on the market.

Damn that Granny Smith iPod I bought. It was rotting before I got even half way through Leo Sayer's Greatest Hits.

Anyone else watching Boston Legal? I've caught a couple episodes that I'm enjoying. And it's not only because Betty White made a couple guest appearances.

However, lemme say that she's still got the magic.

Speaking of magic, think of a card, any card.

I'll tell you your card tommorrow.