Saturday, December 31, 2005


Well, this is my last post of 2005. And seeing as I have to get ready to party tonight, it's gonna be a short one. I just want to thank all of you for coming back here to read my ramblings time and again. Somehow after seven years of doing comedy, this has, in a certain way, become the most redeeming part. I see the numbers goes up literally week by week and am now averaging about 520 unique hits a day, which, I think, is pretty good.

So long 2005, and happy New Year to all of you. Get drunk tonight, it's on me...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


I've been planning on posting all morning but since I haven't been on IM for a week I'm getting slammed with a ton of messages today. I know I could just sign off, but frankly I like all the attention. I'm really weak when it comes to virtual attention.

So now that I've been to Texas I have to say that all the pictures that you see of GWB in a cowboy hat are a bit misleading. I saw about five people in cowboy hats, and two of them were working at the airport. After asking around it seems that the cowboy community in Texas is dwindiling in numbers, and most of them just wear the hats to trick us into thinking that they still are cowboys. I know, I know, just the thought of GWB tricking us into thinking something that isn't true is just unbearable. I'm truly sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings.

I didn't bump into any Bush family members but I was surprised to find that of the few people I talked politics with that most seemed very anti-Bush. I haven't seen that much anti-Bush sentiment since the 2005 Gay Pride Parade.

I hope you enjoyed the double-entrendre of the previous sentence, it was a pleasure writing it.

While I thought Texas was gonna be all cowboys and inbred hicks it really just seemed like a slightly bigger version of New Jersey. Malls where everywhere and there were so many food chains that I even saw an Applebee's inside of a Starbucks.

Yup, an Applebee's in a Starbucks. They aren't kidding when they say "everything is bigger in Texas."

Went to a fast food joint known as "Whattaburger" where a woman with no teeth gave me the biggest smile ever as she welcomed me to the fine establishment. Somehow a toothless smile can be very disarming. And a burger chewed with teeth can be quite delicious.

I was offered tickets to a Dallas Mavericks game but unfortunately because of my break-neck schedule I couldn't make it. Thanks again Mark Cuban, I owe you one.

From what I understand I didn't miss much here, and somehow they were even able to resolve the transit strike without me. I guess it just goes to show that sometimes you have to let go to really allow things to change.

Now you'll have to excuse me, I'm gonna go rassle me up some collared greens for dinner...YEE HAW!!

Got back to NYC late last night. I'll have a full report on Texas later this afternoon. I've gotta do a couple clerical things to do first like feeding the fish, hitting the gym, going to the bank and gettting my new cowboy hat fitted...

Thursday, December 22, 2005


Heading to Texas for a couple days. I might check in, I might not. It really depends on if they have computers down there.

Happy Holidays...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


No subway = Walking around
Winter = Cold weather
Cold Weather/Walking Around = Get Sick
Get Sick = Nyquil
Nyquil = Trippin' balls

Have a good night. I know I will.

Screw you Transit Workers Union head Roger Toussaint. I hope when they make the movie about all this that Laurence Fishburne plays you very poorly.

Very, very poorly.

Like Keanu Reeves poorly.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


The transit strike is on, and while I don't want to take sides, let me say that the transit workers and their union representatives can go fuck themselves.

The starting salary for a subway conductor is $52,000, while the starting salary for a police officer is under $30,000. I'd mention the starting salary for a comedian, but I don't want to upset you anymore than you already are.

Long story short, the strike was interesting, dare I say even a little fun in the morning, but as the day wore on it got more and more tedious and people got more and more frustrated. I haven't seen so many angry people stuck in traffic since the day before we bombed Baghdad.

In other news, I just got a pair of whatever you call those things that just cover your ears from the cold. I guess you call them earmuffs, I don't know why that didn't come to me just then. You see how this strike is affecting me? It's sick.

Think I'm gonna have some soup for dinner. Not with a sandwich, just soup alone. Soup and sandwich isn't really a meal, so said Banya in one of the best episodes of Seinfeld, and here I am having just soup. I guess Banya and I don't agree on this one. We do agree however on comedy about Ovaltine. It's gold Jerry, gold!

Alright, that's it for now, I really need to relax. Think I'll just flick the channels for a few and see what comes up. If I'm lucky I'll see another commercial for "Skating with Celebrities" on Fox. That should help me unwind.

Monday, December 19, 2005


Peyton Manning and the Colts lost for the first time all season yesterday. Interestingly, I also watched the movie, "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle" on Sunday, a movie in which the main character's name is Peyton. Then the Colts lost. Coincidence? I think not.

Bush gave another speech this morning. He's like a little 7th grader who doesn't do his homework all year and then brings it all in the last week of the semester. I can relate to that.

The light in my fridge broke this morning. Where do you get a replacement for a fridge light? If I lived next door to Fred Flintstone I'd just borrow a jar of firefly's. I guess I could just get firefly's on my own, but they aren't in season right now.

Iran's President banned wastern music throught the entire country. Finally, some good news out of the Mid-East.

They're once again talking about a transit strike set to kick-in later tonight. You know it's getting serious this time, even the rats in the subway are picketing.

Yes, if you're reading this Jay Leno, you can use that tonight.

I'll probably be going to a holiday party at one of NYC's many comedy clubs tonight. It's the way the clubs give back to us for stealing our souls and dignity. Warm beer and cold pizza go a long way for hungry comics.

Mmm, warm beer and cold pizza. It's like college, but with less cool people...

Sunday, December 18, 2005


LIVE from the Oval Office, it's George W. Bush!

It's pretty much the same old same old so far. Iraq this, freedom that, September the 11th, artificial timetables, troop reductions, etc., etc.

He just promised not to give up "The fight for freedom." I'm pretty sure he took that from the theme song to "GI Joe."

Whoa, it just ended, time for Family Guy...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

They're saying that there's gonna be a huge mass-transit strike here in NYC tommorrow. If it happens there will be mass chaos, utter confusion and sheer insanity throughout the boroughs. We've all been informed to have a contigency plan in case of the strike. My plan is to sit on my fire escape and randomly shoot people with a sawed-off shotgun.

So Andrew and I hit the Manhattan Mall, H&M, and Macy's today. Gifts were purchased, though I cannot give specifics as not to tip off any of the people who might be receiving them. Macy's and the mall make you go up and down escalators in hopes of finding what you want, though somehow it always ends up being on the floor you just left. (In comedian voice...What's the deal with that?)

I tried on an Adidas jacket in Macy's only to find out that it didn't have any pockets. Call me old-fashioned, but a jacket without pockets seems very impractical.

Speaking of being old, I played basketball again tonight, which means I played on back-to-back nights after not playing for about three months. It's times like this that I wish I was in the NBA so that I could ice my knees after the game while getting a BJ from a cheerleader.

Or even a mascot.

For the first time in awhile I didn't watch CNN for even one second today. I feel so alive.

You might've noticed we swapped a couple things in the left and right columns on the site today. I'm told by my web people that "Archives" on the right is big these days. Who am I to fight the trends of the internet?

Speaking of trends of the internet, I'm thinking about a 24 hour webcam in my apartment so you can watch all the highly hysterical things that go on here. The only thing stopping me is that then you'll all see the secret ingredient to my chicken cutlets. Well, the secret ingredient, and that I always cook in the nude.

Hangon a sec, there's a knock on the door...

Oh, the Phoenix Sun's Gorilla mascot just showed up with a bucket of ice. Looks like someone's gettin lucky tonight...

Heading out to the mall in a few minutes to do some holiday shopping. Andrew Tavani and I will be going together to purchase gifts for friends and family, as well as to discuss and note the strange thing known as the human condition. The comedian and the social satyrist, out there, amongst the people. If all goes well it will end with a great story involving a fight with a guy handing out samples in the food court.

Damn those handout guys, they never let you take more than one piece of chicken tempura...

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Had a basketball game tonight and ended up going drinking directly after. That's not something I do often, but it is something that's gonna cause me to write more tommorrow instead of tonight.

Yes, we won, 65-40. I hit four 3's and had a behind-the-back pass that would've made the Tazmanian Devil proud.

Time for Advil and water...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


If you click the "December 3, 2005" link in the podcast section you can listen in to the audio from that one-nighter I did in upstate New York about a week ago.

Just a few things to note before you listen...

The comedy club was in a giant sports complex between two ice skating rinks.

The comedian before me wore shorts with his ass showing.

The intro that the host brought me up to was perhaps the worst intro in the history of comedy.

The light on the stage was bright red and about 2 feet from my head.

The host then calls me another comedian's name at the end of the set.

Once you click it give it about a minute or two to load, good things come to those who wait...

Apparently, an intern turned receptionist at The Daily Show killed himself this weekend. As a former intern at The Daily Show I can't help but wonder what happened. People ask me about my internship there all the time and I tell them the truth, that I busted my ass for 6 months and left without a job, but it was good nonetheless because of the times I got to spend talking shop with Jon Stewart. Somehow, maybe not getting a job there was the best thing that ever happened to me. Or at least it might've bought me a couple extra years.

Had Boston Market for lunch today. I'd really be happy to be a Boston Market spokesman one day. I feel that you get a quality meal there for a fair price. There, I said it, before I've even been chosen to be their spokesman. Now when it happens you know I'm talking turkey. Or chicken. Or meatlof. Or sirloin.

Yea, they have sirloin, who knew?

Called my grandma today and I got her answering machine. For a second I actually thought she might be screening calls.

It's pretty cold out there today. How cold is it? It's so cold I got a memo from my balls to wear tighter underwear.

Okay, I'm gonna take a nap, this tight underwear is cutting off my circulation and I think it's effecting my stamina.

Was "effecting" or "affecting" grammatically correct there? I can't seem to figure it out. It's probably due to the poor circulation that is affecting my stamina.

Hey, I'm just covering all the bases.

Monday, December 12, 2005


Just watched President Bush's hour-long speech today while running on the elliptical machine. Maybe it was the running fast while going nowhere but I'm starting to like the guy again.

The best part of the speech was when he said there have been 30,000 Iraqi's killed, "more or less." What's the more or less spectrum on 30,000? I'm thinking it's about 5,000 less to 50,000 more.

Saw a commercial for "Cheaper by the Dozen 2" a few minutes ago. If the masses so love these movies with lots of kids driving two career-oriented parents crazy, why stop with twelve kids? Let's get it to twenty. Or forty. Actually, let's bump it up to a hundred and have the whole movie be the woman constantly spitting kids out of her tired vagina.

I'm sorry for the graphicness there, but I thought of a couple different endings and that was the one that seemed to fit best. Plus, Larry David and Jeff Green had a long conversation about a large vagina a couple weeks ago on Curb, so obviously I couldn't use that.

Anyone else not enjoying Marv Albert as the play-by-play guy for the Nets on the YES Network? And no, I'm not gonna make this a woman-biting-while-in-a-dress-joke here. He just sounds tired and bored. Hang in there Ian Eagle, your day is coming.

I just realized that I inherently made a Marv Albert woman-biting-while-in-a-dress-joke there. And to top it off I'm probably the only person who watches Net games. A waste at so many levels.

Got a new laptop battery sent to me by HP after just a few minutes on the phone telling them I didn't think that my computer should smell like popcorn after it's been on for over 15 minutes. Mad props to HP for quick, reliable and friendly service.

I was listening to Howard Stern the other morning and I'm actually considering getting Sirius Radio once he makes the switch. There's a rumor floating around that he's gonna try to have a million people have an orgasm all at the same time. Seeing as I have enough problems with anyone else involved in the process whatsoever, it seems like it'll be worth 10 bucks a month.

Been reading some interesting stuff about Richard Pryor over the last few days and it's got me on this kick thinking about some other groundbreaking comedians like Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks and Andy Kaufman. I genuinely wonder if any of them could have any success the way that comedy clubs are set up today. I think I know the answer, but I don't want to write it out because I'm afraid of what it'll mean for my future.

(I'd explain more about the club system but I don't want to start riots. That's not what The Daily Dave is about...Or is it?)

Whenever I go to the bank to make a deposit I always say to the teller, "Feel free to add a couple zero's to that." It never fails to get huge laughs, go ahead and try it for yourself.

Okay, I think that's it for now. I've enjoyed this today, but I must go live a life outside of my apartment. I'm thinking I'll go to the store downstairs to get a Mountain Dew and then come right back up here but maybe I'll be more adventurous when I get outside...

Sunday, December 11, 2005


So the Pope thinks that Christmas is getting a little too commercialized. I guess I won't be getting him "Santa Claus Junior" for Gameboy this year. Here is the official description of the game...

"Santa Claus Junior is a platform game for Gameboy Color. It features a little boy named Nick whose job it is to find all the presents Santa Claus lost when the evil witch caught him, so of course he must defeat the witch and free Santa Claus so that Christmas can commence as usual."

Hmm, maybe the Pope does have a point...A pointy hat, that is!

Saturday, December 10, 2005


I just read a moment ago that Richard Pryor died today.

Pryor is on every self-respecting comedian's list of influences for his fearless attitude, his uncompromising style, and his amazing ability to tell the truth. Those are all the things I try to do, aspire to do, and will continue to do.

Thanks for knocking down some walls for the rest of us, Richard...

Friday, December 09, 2005


Back-to-back days with a sports picture, could this signal my unretirement from semi-professional cricket?

The man above, who has strikingly similiar arm muscles to mine, is Scottie Pippen. He is best-known as Michael Jordan's sidekick during all the championship years, but in the Rubin family he is known as my brother's favorite player. For a good part of the mid-90's there was rarely a family meal that passed without some sort of debate as to whether Pippen or Clyde Drexler was a better player. Usually the meals ended with a plate being thrown at someone, though that really had more to do with the fact that my sister was in the plate-throwing club at school rather than the Pippen-Drexler debate.

Pippen's number is being retired tonight in Chicago and in honor of that I'd like to admit something to my brother. Pippen was better than Drexler. There, I said it.

For one month, February of 1994, while Clyde was on the injured list.

I can say that because my brother and his fiancee now are the proud owners of my grandparent's china, and I know he wouldn't dare throw a plate at me. You just can't break up a set like that. Also, for some reason when I go to my parents they make me eat off of paper plates, so it looks like I'm getting out of this one unscathed.

Congrats Scottie, and Jonathan.

Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of John Lennon's assasination. At all of four years old I don't rememember the day he was shot, but I usually walk past the Dakota a few times a week. There are always people outside there paying their respects or just sitting quietly in Strawberry Fields just across the street. Anyone who can get people in NYC to keep quiet for a few minutes is truly a transcedent person.

I don't really get what all the hoopla is over "Brokeback Moutain", otherwise known as "the gay cowboy movie." Who cares if a cowboy is gay? If I was a horse maybe I'd be concerned, but seeing as I'm not a horse, it doesn't really bother me.

I just realized that I probably doubled today's hits to The Daily Dave because I wrote "gay" and "horse" in the same paragraph. If that comes even close to what "horse vagina" has done for me I'll be able to sell stirrups on here soon.

Might go out to dinner tonight. No, not might, I'm gonna do it. But where? And with who? These questions will all be answered...

The first snow of the season hit NYC last night. The best part of the snow here, in my opinion, is watching people maneuver their way through the piles of snow that accumulate after the plows have hit the streets. You'll see men in business suits, old woman with canes, and everything in between trying to hike over 2 foot piles of snow. There will be the occasional fall, and when there is, you make sure the person didn't break anything and then you laugh to yourself. It's a New York City tradition.

I'm gonna go hike a couple snow mountains now on my way to getting some bread. My return will bring a lengthier post. That is, unless I fall and break something, which would be rather unfunnny albeit a wee-bit ironic...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


The Houston Astros didn't offer arbitration to Roger Clemens, which means that the best pitcher of this generation could retire any day now. A couple years back when I lived on the East Side, I used to see Roger now and then after he'd be working out with a couple other players. Though I never stopped him to say hi, I did notice that his neck was absolutely huge, even bigger than one of my thighs.

There will be many articles written about Clemens over the next couple days but that little tid-bit is an exclusive to The Daily Dave.

Rob Riener announced today that he won't run for Governor of California. Somewhere in heaven Archie Bunker just breathed a sigh of relief.

I have a strong feeling that Steven Speilberg is going to surprise everyone with his new film "Munich" and somehow get an alien involved in the plot. It's only based on a true-story, after all.

For some reason I don't really feel like mentioning anything about the guy that got shot by the Air Marshall today. I'll leave that up to Gary Marshall, Penny Marshall and the people over at Marshall University.

Hmm, I'm not particularly satisfied with this post and I am starting to think that it's too late for me to fix it. Kinda like when you're having sex and in the middle you realize it's just not gonna be one for your personal highlight reel so you just mail the rest in. Let's just say I'm walking to the post office right now...

Hmm...C'mon Dave, you can do it...

It was pretty cold out there today. How cold was it? Let's just say really, really cold.

Brilliant Dave, really.

Don't worry, big comeback tommorrow...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


About an hour ago I walked out of my apartment and bumped into the woman who lives down the hall. I often bump into her here and there and we have the smattering of nonsensical talk that people who don't really want to talk usually have. Generally when I bump into her she is standing in the hall smoking, which is a big no-no in according to building rules, but she does it nonetheless. I do know that she lives with her daughter and grand-daughter, and perhaps other people, so I can only assume she smokes in the hall because they don't want her to smoke in the apartment.

I don't really mind that she is smoking in the hall as much as that she does it there because she she doesn't want to disrespect her family by giving them cancer, so instead she disrespects the rest of the people living in the building.

And now to the funny part...

So we bumped into each other and as we usually do, we talked about the weather. "Sure is cold out there", she said. "I heard it's gonna snow later", I retorted. This went on for about 30 seconds when I noticed that there was smoke coming out of her jacket through her neckline. I then looked down and saw that it was also coming out of the right arm of her jacket. I couldn't see her hand there, which led me to believe that she suddenly didn't want me to see her smoking so she hid the cigarette in the arm of her jacket. Pretty clever old-broad, indeed.

Long story short (or is it too late for that?), I never mentioned that I thought she was on fire, and I think she thought she pulled a fast one on me. But I know what she's up to. For where there's smoke, there's an old smoking woman.

As I write this I just glanced at the TV only to see William Shatner in bed with James Spader. How jealous is Leonard Nemoy right now?

Oh, one other quick story. I went to pick up chinese food after the smoking incident and when I walked in a black man came in right behind me and the guy at the door said to him, "This way." He then brought him over to a table where another black man was sitting alone. I couldn't hear the exact conversation but it turned out that the guy at the door just assumed that second guy was there to sit with another black man. It got a little testy but ultimately the man sat at a table a few feet away.

When the guy who was doing the seating returned I gave him a quizical look about the situation. He looked at me and said, "Oh, I thought they were together. They are the same gender."

Ah, New York City, a true melting pot...

Monday, December 05, 2005


The picture above is of a Japanese Fighting Fish that I took off the internet. Unfortunately, in the time I had with my JFF, I never thought of taking a picture until it was too late. I've mentioned 'Old Bluey' here a couple times before because of all the late nights we'd spend together discussing the meaning of life. Well, mostly it was just me staring into his tank thinking about the meaning of life, but sometimes I felt as if he would swim up and down or left and right as if to signal to me if I was onto something or not. While I enjoy the fish I have today, none of them will ever be another Old Bluey.

(That may be because they are all orange in color, and it would be ridiculous to name an orange fish Old Bluey, but I like to think it's because Old Bluey was just one of a kind.)

Anyway, you'll notice that slightly below in the right column that I've put up a little swimming fish in honor of Old Bluey. It's just a little reminder to me of the one fish who I threw into the East River because a toilet bowl flushing wouldn't have done justice to his tremendous existence.

(A moment of silence, please...)

Okay, moving along, I've noticed lately that when people show me their myspace site that they often have listed as friends people who I know they are either not friends with, or in some cases can't even stand the site of. This makes me think that people are just pretending to be friends with people so that they can connect with the other person's friends, thus increasing their own friend list. Call me old fashioned, but I'll stick with my five friends, my basketball, my Playstation and my memories of a dead fish.

At his trial today, Sadaam Hussein said, "I am not afraid of execution." When reminded that he might be the one executed and not the one ordering the execution, he said, "Oh, well, I, uhh, well, I mean, I, uhh, so, uhh, anyone wanna go get a falafel?"

Has anyone else noticed that in the commercial for "The Producers" movie, that instead of saying Mel Brooks' name, the voice-over guy says, "From the creative genuis who brought you Young Frankenstien and Blazing Saddles?" I sense something is up with that, I just don't know what.

Howard Stern says that one of the segments on his new Sirius channel will be a version of "The View" with four crack-addicted prostitutes. How does that differ from the original?

Ah, I liked that one.

Microsoft announced plans today to get X-Box 360 released in Asia by early March, 2006. Umm, how about getting some to a couple stores in New York City first, Mr. Gates?

No, I won't be buying it, I just like to stick it to Bill Gates. Edgy, I know.

Entertainment Weekly has a segment offering Steven King's opinion on the best music of 2005. Could that possible be the same Steven King as I'm thinking? If so, I'm guessing that various remakes of "Monster Mash" are on there several times.

That reminds me I have to go hunt a vampire, see ya later.

Sunday, December 04, 2005


The Curb season 5 finale was pretty good tonight. In many ways the show has jumped the perenial shark, but it ended the season on a high note. Bea Arthur even made a cameo in heaven as Larry's mother. Two great comic talents like that haven't been on screen together since I did my walk-on during the last episode of "The Carol Burnett Show."

So the one-nighter on Saturday was great. The show was totally sold-out and the crowd was what we industry people call "hot." I was feelin' it up there the whole time and if you're nice I might just post the audio from the set sometime later this week. If you're not nice I'll probably post it anyway, but just think of it as a "Santa wants to know if you're naughty or nice" type of deal. We all know he does whatever he wants, so don't feel any pressure.

Oh yea, I was involved in a 16 person orgy after the show, but damnit, my camera phone wasn't working and you'll just have to take my word for it.

You'll also have to take my word that I'll have a solid Monday posting...

Saturday, December 03, 2005


I'm doing a "one-nighter" tonight, which, in comedian terms, is a Saturday night gig outside NYC. I typed "one-nighter" into Google Images, and this is the picture that came up, so I posted it for you to enjoy. Somehow, I doubt that my comedic adventure will be nearly as interesting.

Ahh, the one-nighter. Quick, drunken, and something you never want to think about after doing it.

And that's just the comedy one.

I'll see if I can take equally as interesting pictures with my camera phone. Wish me luck...

Friday, December 02, 2005


Oprah and Letterman finally buried the hatchet yesterday. I guess now all that is left is for me to bury the hatchet with Leno. Okay, okay, Jay, call me, I'll do the show. This tension between us is getting us nowhere.

Every month I get one or two e-mails from people who want to "make it" in comedy asking me for advice. For some reason this month I've gotten a slew of those e-mails. I'm starting to think it's my parents screwing with me.

I don't know that I can give anyone advice on how to "make it", whatever that means. I can give insight into how to be a real comedian, about how to be an artist, and about how to surround yourself with some like-minded people. As for making it, umm, I uhhh, well, umm, I'd recommend buying Regis' book.

Regis must have a book, right? The man has everything. He probably has an encyclopedia.

Watching Alan Alda with Tony Danza right now. He seems like a nice guy.

A new study says that 6-10 percent of internet users are "destructively addicted." If that's the case you can just consider me your crack dealer. Whatdya need?

The Obelisk, which is a tall thin building in Buenos Aires, Argentina, was covered in a giant condom yesterday as part of World AIDS Day. If I were Chile, I'd make sure not to drop the soap anytime soon.

I'm noticiting several websites and columns lately that write things quasi-anonymously by always saying "we" instead of "I". We'll never do that here. That's our promise to you.

Actually, I find that incredibly annoying and cheap because it means that the author is afraid to put him/herself out there. I'm out there. Probably too far out there. I'm so far out there that I'm actually here.

Think about that, it's very Einsteinish.

Speaking of Einstein, I've gotta go, in a parallel universe I'm getting rather hungry...