Thursday, March 31, 2005

Hey folks...

Sorry for the slow updating this week. I've been doing a gig for ESPN for a couple days and have had a couple things keeping me from my usual morning writing time. I promise a full updated Daily Dave tommorrow.

In the meantime do some work, for god's sake.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

The second Rubinville Podcast is up in the video section.


In the video section is the second Rubinville Podcast.

Yea, things are happening, people. Big things.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Someone downstairs is absolutely blasting music all morning, and right now its, "I'm so excited, I just can't hide it." It's been playin on repeat for about 20 minutes and I'm starting to lose my mind. I tred to close the windows but then I can't breathe. Argh, I don't know what to do. And now I know I'm starting to lose my mind because a minute ago I actually danced my way from the couch to the kitchen in order to get a bannana.

It's still playing right now...

"I want to please you, tease you, and if you move real slow....I'm so excited...I'm about to lose control and I think I like it!"

Holy shit people, I'm going crazy. This isn't how your day should start. Unless you live in Chelsea.

Rim shot, please!

I had an incident with a girl two days ago that was so unreal and surreal and utterly beyond imagination that it left me a wreck for the rest of the day. I can't talk about it just yet, but let me say this directly to her in case she is reading this....

You are lucky you sit behind bullet-proof glass.

I'll write out all of the details in a few weeks when this situatuation resolves itself.

Or I get a weapon more powerful than bullet-proof glass.

Richard Simmons was on the Tony Danza Show this morning. I've never seen one man (Danza) so afraid of a woman (Simmons) before.

Battling the orcs in Lord of the Rings on PS2 has moved to a fevered pitch. The game continues to be awesome and rather addicting. I'm told my next conquest should be Medal of Honor 2, since I like the 2 player co-op's. Anyone got another recommendation? I think a healthy debate is always in order before making an important purchase.

The feeding tube is still out of Terry Shiavo. Call me crazy but I think that if a person is in a constant vegetative state and is being kept alive artificially by machines and her husband has nothign to gain by her death, except peace of mind, then, well, we should let her die.

Why is it that the religious right, which is so obessed with heaven, is always trying to keep people out of it?

Maybe they just don't want certain people in there. Yea, that's it, Heaven is like the country club in Caddyshack. Some people just don't belong.

Monday, March 21, 2005

It's been a crazy few days, and not the least of which because my parents tried to have my feeding tube removed.

Mark McGuire was an absolute joke of a freakishly large steroid abuser during the congressional hearings. "I'm not here to talk about the past", he kept saying. Oh, really Mark, cuz I thought you were some sort of psychic and you were brought in to predict the future of drugs and sports.

You gotta give Rafiel Palmeiro credit for completely denying he ever used steroids. I don't know if he did or didn't but at least he picked a side. It would've been great had he somehow been able to change the topic from steroids to Viagra, which we all know he takes, cuz I'm sure that 9 out of 10 of those old congressman are on it too. A bunch of old combover politicians talking about their hardons with a baseball player. Sounds like a good reality TV show.

On a personal note I've had some strange ups and downs since my last posting. I'm seem to be having some major writers block, which I can't even compare to anything else, since, well, I'm having writers block. My sets this weekend we're pretty uneven, even from minute to minute. Generally, I've noticed that when I, or most good comics go through a strange phase, it leads to a really prolific phase, but it never makes being in the sucky part of it any easier.

I think I used too many comma's in that sentence. Remove a few an re-read, if necessary.

There is a company in Japan now selling a gum that they claim can increase the size of your breasts by 80 percent. Now, I'm fine with the size of my breasts, but I highly recommend you check it out.

I've been thinking lately a lot about how I've gone about doing comedy and the path I've chosen. I'm really proud of the way I've done this on my own terms, and by starting 2 clubs that have helped comics empower themselves and focus on getting stronger and funnier as comics.

However, while 90 percent of it is pride, there is this 10 percent that sometimes fears being too far out of the loop of the industry and the managers/agents etc.

Of course then I talk to people who are more in that loop and find out that they are 10 times more frustrated and often way more creatively stifled. So, I guess the point is, you do what you gotta do. And you keep doing it.

Yea, im talking in the third-person to inspire myself. I got that from Karl Malone, who had an ability to change from first-person to third-person to fourth-person to eighth-person in an interview until you didn't know who the hell he was talking about, or even what the hell he was talking about.

Ironcially, much like this whole entry.

Ok, Dave's gotta go do some stuff, but I sure have enjoyed writing this and he'll be sure to write more pretty soon.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

The roomate and I beat Baldur's Gate II a couple days ago. The game was highly repetitive and not that difficult, so unfortunately I cannot give it my recommendation. I know many of you come to Rubinville for video game recommendations and if I don't say it like it is than I'm no better than all those well-known video game reviewers who are compromised by industry connections.

I promise you that will never happen to me.

Oh yea, today's Rubinville is brought to you by EA Games. Challenge Everything.

Speaking of EA Games, we are now playing Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. So far its pretty cool but I am having a little trouble typing at the moment because of "gamer thumb".

Caught a few minutes of the congressional hearing on steroids this morning. I'll pass on my commentary until some of the big baseball players testify, but don't you think that somewhere, in some cave, probably somewhere near Tora Bora, that Osama bin Laden is watching this on satellite TV and thinking that America is unravelling all on it's own?

And now a Rubinville Trial Update...

Robert Blake is free. Scott Peterson is on death row. Michael Jackson is wearing pajamas. And I'm sitting on my couch.

It's St. Patricks Day today, which means all of my Irish friends are out drunk and it's not even lunch time. Actually, it's just like any other day.

That was so hack that I could barely write it.

And yet I did, what does that say?

Played some 3 on 3 hoops last night with a bunch of old friends from high school. Dan Magier, a fine point guard if I've ever seen one, turned his ankle pretty bad and is now day to day. But really, who isn't day to day? I'm hour to hour, at best.

Having a lot of moments of feeling completely inspired and then alternately depressed about how things are or are not shaking out. I wonder if it's that constant balancing act that keeps an artist, of any kind, on the top of their game.

Or maybe thats just whats keeps crazy people crazy.

If you fear that journalism in America has lost it's edge, I'd recommend checking out Andrew Tavani's blog at This is a man who makes my balancing act look like I'm in Circe de Soliel.

Alright, I'm heading to Central Park for some "thinking time".

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Faithful reader Tim Toohey has caused me to write the first ever Rubinville retraction. It appears, according to that I was wrong about Gremlins being the first ever movie rated PG-13. The answer is actually a two-parter. Originally, it was The Flamingo Kid, but because that movie was shelved for 5 weeks, the actualy first ever PG-13 movie to hit theatres was Red Dawn.

I'm not sure where I came up with that bit of trivia on the Gremlins, but I did eat after midnight last night, so maybe that has something to do with it.

I've got The View on in the background as I often do when I'm writing the Daily Dave. Today, the ladies have hit an all-time low, as they are showing commercials and then bringing out the actors in the commercials to discuss them. So basically, we're getting to see extra commercials and then hear actors pontificate about how important they are.

My roomate, who is home recovering from having his wisdowm teeth pulled, just turned to me and said, "This is the worst thing I've ever seen on television". Now, I know he is hopped up on Percadan but he couldn't be anymore correct. Good to see the painkillers haven't dulled his sense of TV crapola.

Come to think of it, that's a medication I would take. Something to allow me to watch this garbage and not want to kill people.

Actually, forget that, what would I be if I watched this stuff without hating it?

Hosting "Entertainment Tonight", thats what.

What a sweet gig, though I'd have get my hair frosted and my soul removed.

Whoa, this really set me off. I really need one of those percadans.

Argh, now they have a segment on germs in the bathroom. Some lady is babbling about propoer bathroom hygeine. In case you miss it, I'll sum it up for you...

Don't wash the toilet with your toothbrush! This changes everything!

I'm thinking of getting one of those crazy Brookstone 100 dollar pillows. This no APR credit card it gonna be the end of me, I know it.

Okay, gotta go brush the toilet. I mean teeth, my teeth.

Monday, March 14, 2005

We all know that pretty much every commercial these days is for some kind of prescription drug. Can't get a hardon? Don't like walking outside? Ever get depressed? Have stomach acid? The list goes on and on. However, I just saw a new one that I think trumps them all. It's for a drug called Restasis, which, according to the commercial, is for eyes that can't tear. Yea, a drug for eyes that can't tear. Is this a real problem? Do people really need a drug for this?

Call me old fashioned, but I say you try poking your eyes before getting on a drug.

Had my friend Chris' bachelor party this weekend. Great drunken time for sure. The highlight was probably when the strippers we're on top of the best man and a chant of "shit on his face" began. I don't know who started it, but it was highly infectious. Sadly, the chant wasn't that pursuasive and we didn't get to see a whore shit on a friends face. Oh well, life goes on.

Oh, two thanks necessary here. First off thanks to eveyone who sent me Star Wars links. Looks pretty damn cool, huh? As you probably know, it is gonna be the first of the 6 movies rated Pg-13 because of the dark angle of Anakin going to the dark side. Little known fact, Gremlins was the first ever movie rated PG-13.

And you thought Rubinville wasn't educational.

Second thanks to those of you who liked the podcast (and boo's to you who didn't). Expect a new podcast weekly. Which week I cannot say.

Jay Leno has been un-barred from telling Michael Jackson jokes. Now if we could only get a judge to bar him from telling hack jokes. It'd be the world's shortest monologue, that's for sure.

So apparently some kid who made it to the finals of American Idol has opted out because he doesn't want to be tied into their exclusive contract. Whoa, someone showing backbone and having a desire not to be owned by a corporation? I don't watch the show, but mad props to you American Idol kid.

My favorite CNN anchor Kira Phillips is looking quite good again these days due to her new-old haircut. I could've sworn I saw Miles O'Brien checking her out before a commercial break a few minutes ago.

Friday, March 11, 2005

The first official Podcast Live from Rubinville is now posted on the video page. I know that posting audio on a page that says "video" is quite confusing, and rather conflicting for those of you who are technologically literal, but I hope you can give me a little bit of a leash here until the day when we have a dedicated page just for audio.

In case you don't know, podcasting is the newest, hottest thing to hit the internet since Basically, it's a live internet broadcast that can be listened to anytime, by you the listener. Don't worry, for the ones I listen to I am the listener too, so this isn't some elitist thing.

Anyway, my first podcast is a six minute welcome to my world of podcasting, I'm hoping to have a new edition every week. And, if I can figure it out maybe I'll have special guests like Milton Berle, Sid Ceaser and Steve Allen.

Tell me that wouldn't be a showbiz coup!

Due to my unrelenting committment to comedy I did a show last night instead of staying home and watching the OC which premiered the Star Wars Episode III trailer during a commercial break. I know I could do some sort of internet search and probably find the thing, but if someone can e-mail me a link or the video itself it'd be much appreciated. And may the force be with you.

Speaking of Star Wars, a friend of mine, who is a couple years older than me, keeps telling me that once Episode III comes out that it will officially end my childhood. Then he always laughs one of those evil, Skeletor type laughs. Why is it that people older than you always want to take you down with them?

Michael Jackson showed up an hour late to court yesterday and to top it off he was wearing his pajamas. Unlike most children who have pajamas of famous cartoon characters, Michael has pajamas of cartoons of little children.

I saw Million Dollar Baby this week. I gotta say it was nothing more than an average movie. Did anyone else realize that Morgan Freeman played exactly the same character as in Shawshank Redemtion. There's just something about an old black man telling a story that really puts white people at ease.

Now you'll have to excuse me, Sidney Potier is on Bravo talking about his childhood.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

I've been thinking back fondly to my days as Assistant Manager at Electroncs Boutique lately. This soul-searching/reminiscing has led to this very important entry. Yea, that's right, I'm going to rank video game systems by how they have affected my life. Let the controversy begin...

1. Nintendo
The original 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System, also known in more nerdish circles as the NES. This system was my first video game system and had such a grip on me that it eventually led to the beginning of the end of me being able to play with GI Joe and Transformer toys. It came with Super Mario Bros., perhaps the best adventure game ever on a video game system. How they were able to package the system with a game about an italian plumber who ate mushrooms while chasing an overgrown turtle is still a mystery to me, but they somehow pulled it off.

Nintendo had many classic games including Contra, Mike Tyson's Punchout, Baseball Stars, Metroid and Legend of Zelda. My brother and I beat Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link faster than anyone we knew, we still believe we were the first people in America to accomplish the feat. (I'd say the world, but as we all know Japan gets their video game releases before we do.)

The Nintendo controller was a simple 2 button format, just the A and B buttons, and it worked pretty damn well. Punch/Kick, Swing/Throw, we could do it all with just two buttons. If we had only known what the future would hold.

2. Sega Genesis
Perhaps the most amazing accomplishment of the Sega Genesis was that it was able to dethrown Nintendo from their perch high atop the video game world. Like the name of the system, this feat in itself wa almost biblical. Genesis had better graphics, better sound, a controversial 3rd button and a sleek, black look. It came packaged with Altered Beast and it's first run of games included Ghouls and Ghosts, which I would argue is the most underrated video game of all time.

What pushed Genesis to the next level was probably it's lineup of great sports games. Electronic Arts, which later spun its sports division into EA Sports, came out with Lakers V. Celtics and Madden Football. Lakers V. Celtic eventually became what we know now as NBA Live, and Madden Football became what we now know as Madden Football. I spent so many hours in the basement with my brother and friends playing both those games that there were times we even forgot to have our after-school snack! I kid you not.

3. Sony Playstation
I remember the first time I saw Sony Playstion. I sophmore in college and this kid Chris, who i wasn't really friends with got the system. It was a transistion moment for me, because now that I didn't have the system that was most popular, it became the first time that I wasn't one of the best at all the games we played. I should note here, that at the same time I began smoking pot, so my eye hand coordination wasn't what is once was.

Basically all we played on Playstation were sports games, again mostly NBA Live and Madden Football. Hour after hour of stoned sports games. I'd write more about this time, but I don't really remember it.

4. Sony Playstation 2
My times with PS2, my current video game system, has been a bitter-sweet time for me. The skills when it comes to the sports games are mostly still there, but now my 14 year old cousin, who I once could whip in any game with my eyes closed, can now smack me around pretty good. My ability to play for hour after hour has also greatly diminished as my eyes start to burn and my fingers get stiff after a certain period of time. However, despite these unavoidable consequences of aging, I have begun a new journey into the many genre's of video games. As many of you know, I am now playing Baldurs Gate 2, after conquering the first, and before that beating X-Men Legends. These games are role-playing games, and not the type you play with your significant other. Well, unless you roleplay as a drawf and a wizard, but that's really your business.

Anyway, the PS2 has both opened and closed some video game doors for me. Well, mostly it has closed doors, but every now and then I do find the right magical key. I don't play for as long, or have the emotional stake that I once did, but now when I play it's just a way of escaping the day to day crazyness that life is.

Well, that, and also learning how to shoot and maim people, like in such games as Grand Theft Auto. Because, we all know, if Joe Lieberman is right, video games make people kill.

Now lemme get going, I have to sharpen my machette.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Here's a worldly event update...

Dan Rather is about to officially sign off from the CBS news desk. In an interview Donald Trump says he would have told Rather "You're fired" a long time ago. Fortunately, for Rather he isn't a contestant on a tired reality show, he's just the host of a made-up news show.

Syrian President Bashar Assad says his country will move it's troops mostly out of Lebannon. While some say this shows that his grip of power over Lebannon and even Syria is beginning to dissipate, it didn't appear to worry Assad who, after the announcement, went to one of his many palaces and made his many female servents fondle him.

Boy George is upset at Madonna because she is a practicer of Kaballah which considers homosexuality to be a sin. He says it is hypocrital of her because she enjoys such great support from the homosexual community and has even kissed Britney Spears. I don't understand what that has to do with Boy George, though. What right does he have to speak out on gay issues? It's not like he's gay or anything.

Sammy Sosa got ejected in his second pre-season game with the Baltimore Orioles for arguing balls and strikes. After being ejected he took his corked bat and his steroids and watched the game from the clubhouse where some of his many female servants fondled him.

The Michael Jackson trial continues much to the delight of all the major news channels. Now there is a rumor going around that Michael doesn't even exists and that he is just a creation of Fox and CNN to keep their ratings up. Others say he is just a scary figment of our imaginations, like the Boogeyman or LaToya Jackson.

Martha Stewart is free and is suddenly becoming a media darling by giving out fresh homeade bread iced tea to the many media member camped outside her home where she is under house arrest. Despite her new image, she still has to wear the device to ensure she doesn't leave the property. Basically, the way it works is the further she gets from her property the more that the device injects the 100 percent pure evil that was once in her back into her bloodstream.

In a related story, the Pope, who is currently in a hospital after having surgery, recently waved to his followers from the window. He then made the sign of the cross and dangled a baby out of the window.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

As if changing one's e-mail address and IM name aren't enough, there are more changes happening here at Rubinville. You may have noticed a new welcome sign on the home page along with a new text for our scrolling ticker. You might need to click refresh to get the page to come up with the new stuff if it doesn't show up right away.

Also, you can check out the new and improved The whole site is redesigned and ready to go. Many thanks to my trusty webmaster Steve Giordano, of the only rock band with a flute that I know of, Bluish. Check them out at

And as long as I'm giving out thanks, lemme thank Christie (don't know her last name) of She heard rumors about me being a big video game fan and was able to snag me a copy of Dead of Alive Ultimate on X-Box. Unfortunately, I've got Playstation 2, but thanks to the truly amazing and wonderful gift receipt I'll transform the game into something that plays on PS2. Speaking of transformers (amazing how I can turn anything into a discussion about Transformers, isn't it?), check out Christie's website for an ode to Optimus Prime who recently passed away from prostate cancer.

A final thanks to Bob Castrone for letting his girlfriend give me a videogame and not letting it affect our friendship. Now, if I sleep with here, we're still okay, right? Find out more about Bob at It's not as dirty as is sounds, I assure you.

So, for the first time, since 4th grade pee-wee league baseball, I won a sports championship. Yup, thats right, we won the finals of the Chelsea Piers league in a nail biter, 63-58. I chipped in only 4 points but two of them we're in the form of a big jumper with about two minutes remaining. We got a big trophy and got to take a poloroid picture. Winning the superbowl it ain't but it felt pretty damn good.

After the game, some of the guys wanted to go get drinks, which my roomate and I passed on. I've never really understood going right from running around for hours to getting drunk. I like going from running around to laying on the couch until I pass out. Call me old fashioned.

Oh, you know what, I'm feeling nice, here are a couple more thanks to random people...

My parents, for without the dysfunction of my family I could never be this funny.

Bob Jeurgens, who has taught a Jew to drink like he was Irish.

Clyde Drexler, who taught me to stick with it long enough to win my first quasi-adulthood championship

Mike Singer, who always reminds me never to write a new joke, no matter how funny I think it is.

The girl who works at the bodega downstairs who always gives me coffee even though I always tell her not to give me coffee the next day because I'm trying to cut down.

Meghan Hanley, who has taught a Jew to drink like he was Irish.

Bill Maher, for being someone who has made it, and still has intergrity.

Hot and Crusty, for making surprisngly good pizza in addition to great bagels.

Oh, and God, for all the good stuff that happens. I excuse you for the bad stuff.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

I'm watching the Real World right now, which, at the expense of being hacky, is nothing close to the real world. I can get over these people living in an apartment that's way too expensive, I can accept that they are all way too goodlooking, and I can appreciate their common desire to constantly be drunk. What I cannot accept however, is the fact that they are all constantly and unrelentingly talking about their feelings. Ugh, disgusting.

Changed the channel over to NBC which is showing it's new "smash hit" series "Committed". It sucks, and I am not putting quotes around the word sucks, because it really does.

How can NBC announce that all their series' are "smash hits" and "the one everyone is talking about", and then they all get cancelled a few weeks later? I think thats the same philosophy behind the guy with a small penis who drives a fancy car.

I, however, take the subway.

Another big snow storm in NYC yesterday. Didn't really effect me except that there were all the kids all over the streets because school was cancelled. Damn kids, running around, screaming about god knows what, with their dirty hands and their germs and their happiness. Freaking annoying.

Basketball finals tommorrow. This is the most meaningful game I've played in proably since high school. And in some respects the most meaningful thing I've been involved in, in any way, since college. Well, except for the birth's of my 5 children with 4 different women.

Ohhhh, Muppets Take Manhattan is on. Finally, something worth watching...