Thursday, December 23, 2004

Heading to the Dominican tommorrow for a week. If you need me, send a messenger pigeon. And if you are from the Tonight Show, PLEASE stop begging. I will do the show when i feel right. Enough already. It's getting pathetic.

Happy holidays to everyone. Including those celebrating Festivus ala Frank Costanza on Seinfeld.

Okay, gotta pack and water my Kwanza Tree.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Just saw a commercial on CNN where Wolf Blitzer was promoting his upcoming interview with the "always fascinating" Ted Turner. Then, Crossfire came back on and Paul Begala said, "I'm looking forward to that interview with Ted Turner". Hmm, I wonder if Wolf finds him Ted fascinating and Paul is looking forward to the interview because Ted just so happens to own CNN itself. Hmm, hmm.

Got the Simpsons Season 4 DVD the other day. I'd say seasons 4-6 were probably the best. Season 4 is highlighted by "Monorail" which was written by Conan O'Brien. Just a little factoid for ya.

There is something caught in between my back lower left molar and the tooth next to it. Argh.

What is that tooth called anyways? I dont think anyone not in the dental profession has any idea.

Continued my hot 3 point shooting in basketball last night. I'd go so far as to say there isn't a comic in the country who could beat me in a 3 point contest. Yea, that's right Judy Tenuta, I'm issuing a challenge.

I'm looking forward to the big Heat-Lakers, err, Shaq-Kobe game on Christmas day. My prediction is that Kobe is gonna have a monster game and the Lakers will win by 2, somewhere around 101-99.

Let's see what else is going on? It's been absolutely freezing here in NYC so I've spent a lot of time in my favorite pair of sweatpants. There really is nothing like a good pair of sweatpants. Keep this quiet, but sometimes I freeball in them.

Heading to the Domincan Republic on a family vacation next week. I would imagine that 7 days in a resort with my family will either leave me a drooling vegetable or the funniest man alive.

Hey, now that I think of it, that would be a pretty good hook, a drooling vegetable comedian. Ok, I'm on it.

Keep seeing the commercial for "I, Robot" on DVD. I didn't see it in the first place, but I'd bet it would've been a lot better with Harrison Ford instead of Will Smith.

And while I'm talking about Will Smith lemme say that I got jiggy wit it once and I ended up in traction for a week.

Ha, and the pundits said I couldn't work a jiggy reference into the Daily Dave.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Pedro Martinez is officially a New York Met. There are about 25 terrible ways this can end, but I'm going to guess sometime in August his arm will actually break off during a 7th inning fastball and it will go flying into the stands where it will hit the Queen of England.

And Enrico Pallazzo will sing the national anthem on that very same night.

Kobe Bryant has been doing the interview thing lately defending his comments about Shaq, Phil, Karl Malone, etc. The guys just sits there and answers question after question, maturealy, and pretty much as honestly as possible. I give him a lot of credit for that, actually. Too bad he mucked it up by raping that girl.

I was just watching 'The View' and they were doing a whole family makeover. One of the made-over sons came out and when Joy Behar and Blondie Hasselbeck (can't remember her first name) asked him what he thought of his new look, the guy said, "I look better than you two girls!"

Yea, live TV, its fantastic.

Playing X-Men on PS2 these days. It ain't no Contra on Nintendo circa 1989 but it is pretty good. I thought I would've been using Wolverine more often, but I tend to go with Iceman or even Cyclops. Yea, life is full of surprises.

Made some sort of beef teriyaki thing for dinner last night. I don't think I've cooked my own beef in years.

That last sentence sounded like a euphamism for something, I'm just not sure what.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

As some of you know, my first great comic influence is Bill Cosby. His "Himself" special on HBO is one of the first things I ever really laughed at,'The Cosby Show' was my favorite show for many years, and I even met Bill once and had a great interaction with him. That being said, the upcoming movie of 'Fat Albert' looks so painfully horrendous I can't quite figure out the right words to describe it.

Oh wait, I just did, "painfully horrendous".

Prove me wrong Bill, prove me wrong.

No show at Joe Franklin's tonight which has left me here, at my apartment, with nothing to do rather than flick the channels. I can either watch 'True Life' on MTV, a show about a crazy woman who is an Anna Nicole Smith impersonator, or I can watch 'The Anna Nicole Smith Show' on E!, a show about a crazy woman who is Anna Nicole Smith.

Actually, I'm watching the Rockets v. Spurs on TNT. Can someone explain to me why Jeff Van Gundy decided to get hair plugs and then stopped with like 6 of them?

Speaking of TNT, their new thing is showing the same movie three nights in a row. This Thursday through Saturday you can see the first installment of Lord Of the Rings all three nights. Nerds rejoice!

Speaking of nerds, lately I've been thinking back to my days as assistant manager of Electronics Boutique. From 1998-1999 I moved more Legend of Zelda's for N64 than anyone.

Andy Rooney is talking to Larry King on CNN right now. Think he'll ask him who will die first?

Sorry, that was mean an uncalled for.

Also uncalled for are Andy Rooney's eyebrows. Is he so old that nobody will even tell him they look like wings?

I've been working really hard on my one-man show lately. The guts of it are basically complete. Comic and bud Bob Jeurgens has signed on to direct it, I'm thinking it'll be ready sometime in March or April. MY goal over the next few months is to slowly work the bits and pieces into my stand up and see how the flesh themselves out. It'll be an interesting proposition, because not everything in the show is intended to be funny, and lemme tell you, every second I'm on stage as a comedian is pure, unadulterated hilarity.

Still hitting the gym pretty consistently. One thing I never do at the gym is look anyone directly in the eye. I'm not sure why, I feel like it will just get me in trouble somehow.

Speaking of the gym, how many days can I workout in the same shirt? Should I not even have to ask that question?

Ok, I won't even touch the underwear issue then.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Well this baseball steroid scandal continues to deepen. First Giambi, then Sheffield, now Bonds. Some people say this situation is just indicative to baseball and thus not a major problem but I have inside info about a certain comedian who is using steroids and thus can take the microphone out of the stand faster than any other comic. This consistently lets him get to the coveted first laugh faster than anyone else, and in unquestionably highly unethical. Who is this pill-popping comic? Stay tuned for more info.

You gotta love Bonds' statement that he didn't know what he was taking he just took it. I mean if someone walked up to me on the street and was like, "Hey dude, take swallow some of this, and rub some of this on yor knees, its good shit", would I do it? Well, yes, I would. But I'm not a professional baseball player, and I think they should have better sense than me.

Jon McEnroe's talk show on CNBC was cancelled today. That's so sad that a tennis player couldn't make it as a talk show host. Maybe they'll have to start giving talk shows to people who spend years and years in comedy clubs actually working through and perfecting their craft. That would be crazy I say, crazy.

I'm watching FoxNews right now (as you all know I am a right-wing zealot) and they are about to do a story that brings Chistian and Jewish traditions together in a segment they call Chismakkuh. Brilliant.

My roomate is gone on vacation for the week and it is truly unreal how quickly I can take a nice clean apartment and turn it into a dirty den of filth when I don't have to keep it clean for anyone else. I'm actually sitting in a strange combination of gatorade, potatoe chips and some sort of green goo.

Been back at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club while the Comedy Company is shut down till January. It's been interesting going back to my old haunt and feeling like the old, grizzled veteran to the newer, younger comics who are there now. I start most of my conversations with, "Back in my day, we didn't even have a stage, we just stood on our tippy toes..."

Got basketball tonight, I'm working on a new baseline-spin move. I'll let you know how it works out.

It's raining out and I can't find my umbrella. Why even wake up in the morning?

I think UN Secretary General Kofi Annan should step down. No, not because of the Oil For Food Scandal, I just don't like the name Kofi. Sounds shady.