Sunday, November 30, 2003

Well, I just watched "The Reagans" on Showtime. Now, before I get into it, I want to admit that I was flipping between that and the Nets-Kings, so I might've missed some important stuff.

The main point of the movie is that Ronald was a pushover and that Nancy ran the show. I'm not sure if that is true or not but I am a little concerned that the Conservatives in this country got CBS to boot the show over to Showtime in the first place. Somehow I don't think they'll have much of a problem in 10 years when they make "The Clintons" and the show Bill on the phone with Trent Lott while getting head from Monica.

Oh, but we all know that actually was true.

I retract the above paragraph entirely.

As I was watching some football today I noticed that the Bengals are in first place. Last time I heard about the Bengals it was about 1989 because of the Ikky Shuffle. Which, by the way, I invented, but I called it the Rubin Shuffle until they stole it. I haven't danced ever since. And the world breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Ever look through you cell phone and realize there are several people on there that you can't figure out who they are?

Is it possible that Osama bin Landen is working at the bagel place that I get my coffee in the morning?

And if so, is it wrong I still get my coffee there? I mean the coffee is really good.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

I'm watching "The National Dog Show" on the Bravo Channel. I never thought that there would be anything funnier about dog shows than the movie "Best in Show", yet the actual dog show itself is far funnier. The judge I'm watching right now seems to be wearing a slightly too-tight tuxedo so he is having trouble walking around. The play-by-play announcer just told us that we should root for the same dog we have at home, much like one would root for their alma-mater.

A bunch of people have asked me lately why I haven't been on Letterman yet. I'm not sure of the answer to that. Can someone make a call for me?

Here's a new Michael Jackson one for ya. This freak lives in Neverland. Why is it that rich people can name their estates? Michael Jackson living in Neverland is the equivalent of me getting rich one day and moving to Caste Greyskull.

I've offically stopped getting haircuts at Supercuts as of today. I now am part of the Jean Louis David family. Seems like a big step in life, doesn't it?

Bush showed up in Iraq the other day. I didn't know that sitting Presidents can do guest appearances in a war.

Just got some new basketball sneakers, Adidas. I'm not sure if they will make me jump higher, but since I've been wearing them I've had this strange desire to drink Sprite.

Speaking of Kobe, and endoresments he no longer has, you think he's gotta be the happiest person in the world since this Michael Jackson thing broke, right? He's gotta be sitting there going, "Shit man, keep molestiing those kids. This is great!"

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Since every news channel is America is on a non-stop Michael Jackson watch, I'll just throw in one more thing...

Who does this freak of nature take advice from? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, should've said to him, "Okay Micheal, now you are going in to take a mug shot because you are being accused of molesting a twelve year old boy. I think you should take it easy on the BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK! YOU FREAK!! And ease up on the EYELINER! YOU FREAK!! FREAK!! FREAK!! FREAK!!"

Good use of capitalization there for emphasis, huh?

And now that I've thought of it, there will be more MJ stuff to come, this one is just too easy.

Now, moving along, the 4 shows at Bananas this weekend were awesome. The shows were all sold-out and there were tons of drunken New Jersians, all having a great time. I forgot that in most parts of the world you can still smoke inside, unlike in NYC, and at one point I was on stage and because of the lights and the smoke I really couldn't see anyone in the crowd. All I could see was the thick bellowing smoke in front of me. Through it I could hear the laughter though, which was defintely a cool, almost surreal feeling.

In other news, try not to get drunk and fall into a camp fire. This is generally an unsaid rule of life, something you just kind of pick up, but apparently some people need to be told this. If you knew that already, ignore the previous sentence completely.

Just watched a new Simpsons, where they go to London. While the show has lost a step or two over the past few years it is still pretty good. It's like a blowjob in that way. Even when its not great, it's still pretty good.

Friday, November 21, 2003

If you're looking to see me perform this weekend, I'll be at Bananas Comedy Club in New Jersey. There are two shows tonight and two shows tommorrow, check out their website at I'll be performing with Cory Kahane and Rich Vos, both of who were in Last Comic Standing on NBC. Okay, time to be funny...

Thursday, November 20, 2003

What is with these Old Navy commercials? Does anyone understand whats going on in them? Why can't I get the songs out of my head? Can't Fran Drescher find anything else to do these days?

Speaking of Fran Drescher, I was never a fan of "The Nanny" though I've caught it a couple times on Lifetime. Yea, its television for women, but so what? Look, if liking the Golden Girls makes me any less of a man, well, then, I just don't know what to say. This whole conversation is making me upset, I'm gonna go eat some ice cream.

I'm all over the place here. Point is, I constantly see the actor who played the butler in "The Nanny" when I'm walking around the Upper West Side. Every now and again, we make this strange eye contact, like him recognizing that I'm someone who recognizes him. And then that makes me feel like I should say something to him, but I can never think what I should say. "Hey buddy, I don't know your name, but you were the butler in that show that I really never watched."

I'll try that next time.

In other news, Rubinville has gotten more hits this month than any other month in our history. Considering we've got almost 2 weeks left in the month this is very exciting. Yea, checking how many people hit this site excites me. You got a problem with that? If you do, come back to the site tommorrow and register a complaint. And then check back each day thereafter to see if your complaint has been taken into account. Thank you very much.

I'm watching an old episode of "The Cosby Show". It's too bad Rudy got so ugle in the later episodes.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Police are now at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Court TV is saying a 12 years old boy has made some allegations. I won't guess what happened, however, if this 12 year old kids parents let him stay at Michael Jackson's place alone, well, then they should be put in jail whether he did something or not.

My parents wouldn't even let me go to Neverland Ranch today if I wanted to.

I don't think I'm shrinking but I put on a pair of old jeans this morning and I had to roll em up at the bottom cuz they were too long. How could this be?

I watched a JFK assasination conspiracy show last night on the History Channel. Apparently, they don't only show "The Women that Hitler Loved". Who knew?

I totally believe that JFK was assasinated as part of a government conspiracy. If anyone from the government is reading this, I am a comedian, and that is a joke.

Or was it?

What is wrong with a world where the President of the United States goes to Britian and 100, 000 people protest? Where are all the people protesting the dictators in the Arab world who are fermenting all this hatred?

Whatdya think of the new look to the website? We've got some more changes coming. Sit tight kids.

Massachusetts did something that might pave the way for gay people to get married. I'm not sure what they did but I'm sure it was fabulous.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Saw the Matrix Revolutions yesterday. Now, I am am a college graduate. I've read some philosophy. I've smoked a lot of pot. And despite these qualifications, I don't know what the hell that movie was about. And what happened to that bus that couldn't go below 55 miles per hour?

If I learned anything from that movie is was that...uhh...err...umm...uhh...nothing, that's it, nothing. Actually, if anything, I feel slightly dumber.

So Iraq is getting messier every day. On one hand I say lets get the hell out of there before this whole situation gets worse. On the other hand, if we leave, then the Arab world will see us running when the going gets tough. Maybe we should get David Blaine to go over there and do some crazy stunt, and then when everyone is looking, we get the hell out of there.

Played basketball instead of comedy last night. I love this game. And I don't even get paid 8.7 million dollars a year to say that.

You ever stick a Q-Tip in your ear and then realize that it's a half hour later and you've been twirling that thing a little too deep for a little too long?

Ok, gotta go, this Q-Tip is bothering me.

Monday, November 10, 2003

I've noticed a lot of people carrying their dogs in their arms lately. Is there any way that the dog is enjoying this? I find this even more irritating than when people talk to their dogs as if they were people, but then when you look at them they don't even to see that there is something slightly wrong with what they are doing. However, these two pale in comparison to my number oen dog related pet peeve. That would be when you see two people walking their dogs in oppositve directions and when they cross each others' paths, the dogs try to stop and sniff each others butts'. Nine times out of ten, the people will let the dogs do this for no more than five seconds, and then they pull the leash a little harder than usual and drag the dog away.

This scenario makes me ponder our future as human beings. Let's just say that one day in the future alien beings come to Earth, and because they will be more advanced than we are since they got to us first, they are also more powerful and smarter than us. Then, let's say they decide to make us their pets and they put us on leashes and take us out for walks twice a day. If that happens, well then what right would we have to stop and sniff each others butts' if we don't even let our dogs do it now, before we have been colonized by a superior alien race?

Think about it.

So they're saying that Prince Charles had an affair with a male servant. I'd like to quote (to the best of my memory) Leslie Nielson in Naked Gun when I say, "We must respect out British friends, no matter how absurd it is that they have a King and a Queen".

Or in this case a Queen and a Queen.


Friday, November 07, 2003

Howard Stern was on Letterman last night. The guy was absolutely fantastic. It was more interesting than anything I've seen on TV in, well, a long freaking time. It was great watching Stern grill Dave about having a kid and throwing every question that Dave asked right back into his face. The two of them played it perfectly. Howard, the antogonist, and Dave, the patsy. Letterman is a true pro. He kept his sense of humor and his dignity the entire time, even though he was clearly losing control of his own show. I kept thinking what a train wreck this would be if Mr. Leno was in charge.

A bunch of people have e-mailed me saying they liked the posting about the Holy Roman Empire from a couple days ago. As I mentioned when I wrote it, I did that as a request, so if anyone has any other random topic or insane thought that want me to write about, e-mail me and consider it done. As long as it gets past the people at Standards and Practices, that is.

Anyone else find themselves getting less nuerotic about their own life as they watch any Woody Allen movie?

I'm gonna be posting some new video on the site soon. I think I'm gonna try to do one new video per week on some sort of rotating basis. I want to show what the random Monday or Wednesday night is like in a comedy club. Not just the showcase sets that somehow end up on television, but never actually happen in the clubs themselves. The first posting will be from last night, when I did 15 of the craziest minutes that I've ever been a part of. By the end I had two girls on stage giving me a 3 way kiss. Not bad, not bad at all. Video forthcoming.

I'll end here with a joke since there was nothing particularly hilarious about this posting ----

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

(That's all I've written so far, let me know if you have a punchline.)

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

It looks like CBS is about to can their Ronald Regan mini-series. Now I should preface anything I say here by mentioning that I'm sure I wouldn't have even watched this thing in the first place, but now that CBS might dump it, the whole things seems a little more interesting to me.

Basically, some Republican groups read the script and don't like how they portray Ronnie in the movie. This reminds me of a couple years ago when the good people at CBS wanted to make my life into a mini-series and then the Republicans pulled the same thing. I didn't even care that the mini-series made me look like nothing more than a womanizing, masogynistic, booze-hount. Actually, I relished in it. I mean any publicity is good publicity, right? Damn republicans.

In an unrelated event, ABC Family is now they're showing the episode of Growing Pains when Kirk Cameron's wife-to-be leaves him at the alter. And they say there is nothing good on television.

Let's see what else. My hair has never been longer and I think I'm starting to look a little insane but people keep telling me it looks good. Maybe insanity fits me.

Congress gave Bush the green light on the 87 Billion for the war. Does anyone else wonder where this money is coming from? What are we loosing if we are giving up an extra 87 billion? It doesn't even seem like a fathomable number, does it? 87 billion? What is that? Actually, it's 87.5 billion. That .5 is the key billion, though. Thats for all the Iraqi's to get shaving equipment to get rid of their Sadaam mustaches.

Ok, that's all folks.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

I rarely take requests on my journal here, but the President of my fan club in Ohio has specifically requested that I write about the Roman Empire in this entry.

(Before I continue I am currently seeking Presidents for my fan clubs in Alaska, Arizona, Alabama, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida Georgia, uhh, you get the point.)

And now a bit about The Holy Roman Empire...

The Roman Empire did a lot of stuff. Most of it was good if you were Roman, and bad if you weren't. The movie "Gladiator" was taken from live footage of stuff going on during that time. Romans liked to eat both in the morning and at night, as well as once in between. Contrary to what most people think, the Romans did not invent the Roman Candle, it was actually invented by a guy in the small city of Porgutamahunteramana, which was south of Rome, but, because Porgutamahunteramana doesn't easily slip off the tongue, the they chose to call it The Roman Candle instead.

Besides all that stuff, Rome was pretty boring. Well except for that period of time that Robin Hood starting stealing money from the rich and giving it to the poor. And also the time that Skeletor almost conquered Castle Greyskull. Those were both very important events in the history of Rome.

For more information about Rome you should get on a flight to Italy and ask to speak to the Pope. He is a young, energetic fellow and he is always looking for someone to talk to.