rubinville

President Bush is speaking at a school re-opening in Mississippi as i write this. He is so calm, cool, and collected as he speaks to five to nine year olds. He hasn't fudged any words, nor done that thing where he tightens his lips and moves them to the right. Looks like little Bushie is really growing into himself. All it took was being surrounded by people on his intellectual level.

If any of you are big animal freaks I'd recommend going to the Petland Discounts on 72nd and Columbus. They keep all the hamsters right under the air conditioning ducts which is causing around twenty hamsters to jam into a little wooden house that shouldn't fit more than four or five of them. When they come out to eat it's like a hamster clown car. I said something something to the hamster-guy about it but he seemed to think I was joking.

I'm thinking about building a giant Habitrail as an escape route for them but I'll need somebody to create a distraction at the cash register. Will you step up to the plate and help some freezing Hamsters? Will you? Will you?

I just realized that I started that hamster story by saying, "If any of you are big animal freaks." That might've been a bit harsh and callous, so let's go ahead and change that to "If any of you are pro-hamster."

Two people this week have mentioned to me something that I try not to think about but keeps coming back to haunt me. No, not the night I lost my virginity. Two simple words...

Tom Hanks.

Yup, Tom Hanks.

I'm going to give the brief version of this story because I need to save the long version for a real interview/my manifesto, but here we go...

One night a couple years ago Tom was on the Tonight Show to promote "Castaway." It was right before Chistmas and he was talking about all these toys, such as the Carebears and Power Rangers. I was noticing that some of the stuff he was saying was amazingly close to my material at the time, and he was even saying it pretty much how I was saying it. Then he went into this whole thing about the Tranformers, about how they transform from robots into cars. He ended by singing a version of the Transformers theme song in the voice of Frank Sinatra.

By this time I was freaking out, because the Transformer part was basically exactly what I was doing at the time, though slightly dumbed down. I did a bit about Soundwave transforming into a cassette player. I also did something about the theme song. As I sat there freaking out, I got a call from Andrew Tavani telling me to turn on the Tonight Show because Tom Hanks was using my material. While we were on the phone his girlfriend called him to say the same thing. It was pretty much as close to an out-of-body experience as you can have.

Eventually, the NY Post got wind of this and put a piece in "Page 6". The TV show "Inside Edition" came to the Comedy Cellar to interview me, but I really wouldn't say anything because I didn't want to make a big deal of it and my guess was that Tom didn't know it was stolen material in the first place. The segment never aired, I assume because I wouldn't give them anything juicy enough.

Dave, why would Tom Hanks steal your material, and how would he even get it in the first place? Good questions. As you probably know, when any actor goes on one of these shows all the questions/answers and jokes are pre-written. It was very clear to me that Tom was just doing material he had been given. So no, I don't think Tom had any idea what was going on. I think he paid some writer for some material and some writer gave him stolen stuff. It's not the first time it has happened, nor the last time it will happen, it just sucks when it happens to you.

I'm pretty sure I know who gave him the material, but that I won't say until there is more worth in telling this story.

Looking back, it's actually good that this happened, because it really helped shape how I've become a good comic. I stopped doing just material and really learned how to do crowdwork and be in-the-moment, two things that are lost in today's stand up scene. So, I guess shit happens, and you just gotta figure out how to do something good with it. Kind of like how Tina Turner ran Bartertown on pig shit in "Madmax and the Thunderdome."

Yup, just like that.