Heading to the Dominican tommorrow for a week. If you need me, send a messenger pigeon. And if you are from the Tonight Show, PLEASE stop begging. I will do the show when i feel right. Enough already. It's getting pathetic.

Happy holidays to everyone. Including those celebrating Festivus ala Frank Costanza on Seinfeld.

Okay, gotta pack and water my Kwanza Tree.

Just saw a commercial on CNN where Wolf Blitzer was promoting his upcoming interview with the "always fascinating" Ted Turner. Then, Crossfire came back on and Paul Begala said, "I'm looking forward to that interview with Ted Turner". Hmm, I wonder if Wolf finds him Ted fascinating and Paul is looking forward to the interview because Ted just so happens to own CNN itself. Hmm, hmm.

Got the Simpsons Season 4 DVD the other day. I'd say seasons 4-6 were probably the best. Season 4 is highlighted by "Monorail" which was written by Conan O'Brien. Just a little factoid for ya.

There is something caught in between my back lower left molar and the tooth next to it. Argh.

What is that tooth called anyways? I dont think anyone not in the dental profession has any idea.

Continued my hot 3 point shooting in basketball last night. I'd go so far as to say there isn't a comic in the country who could beat me in a 3 point contest. Yea, that's right Judy Tenuta, I'm issuing a challenge.

I'm looking forward to the big Heat-Lakers, err, Shaq-Kobe game on Christmas day. My prediction is that Kobe is gonna have a monster game and the Lakers will win by 2, somewhere around 101-99.

Let's see what else is going on? It's been absolutely freezing here in NYC so I've spent a lot of time in my favorite pair of sweatpants. There really is nothing like a good pair of sweatpants. Keep this quiet, but sometimes I freeball in them.

Heading to the Domincan Republic on a family vacation next week. I would imagine that 7 days in a resort with my family will either leave me a drooling vegetable or the funniest man alive.

Hey, now that I think of it, that would be a pretty good hook, a drooling vegetable comedian. Ok, I'm on it.

Keep seeing the commercial for "I, Robot" on DVD. I didn't see it in the first place, but I'd bet it would've been a lot better with Harrison Ford instead of Will Smith.

And while I'm talking about Will Smith lemme say that I got jiggy wit it once and I ended up in traction for a week.

Ha, and the pundits said I couldn't work a jiggy reference into the Daily Dave.

Pedro Martinez is officially a New York Met. There are about 25 terrible ways this can end, but I'm going to guess sometime in August his arm will actually break off during a 7th inning fastball and it will go flying into the stands where it will hit the Queen of England.

And Enrico Pallazzo will sing the national anthem on that very same night.

Kobe Bryant has been doing the interview thing lately defending his comments about Shaq, Phil, Karl Malone, etc. The guys just sits there and answers question after question, maturealy, and pretty much as honestly as possible. I give him a lot of credit for that, actually. Too bad he mucked it up by raping that girl.

I was just watching 'The View' and they were doing a whole family makeover. One of the made-over sons came out and when Joy Behar and Blondie Hasselbeck (can't remember her first name) asked him what he thought of his new look, the guy said, "I look better than you two girls!"

Yea, live TV, its fantastic.

Playing X-Men on PS2 these days. It ain't no Contra on Nintendo circa 1989 but it is pretty good. I thought I would've been using Wolverine more often, but I tend to go with Iceman or even Cyclops. Yea, life is full of surprises.

Made some sort of beef teriyaki thing for dinner last night. I don't think I've cooked my own beef in years.

That last sentence sounded like a euphamism for something, I'm just not sure what.

As some of you know, my first great comic influence is Bill Cosby. His "Himself" special on HBO is one of the first things I ever really laughed at,'The Cosby Show' was my favorite show for many years, and I even met Bill once and had a great interaction with him. That being said, the upcoming movie of 'Fat Albert' looks so painfully horrendous I can't quite figure out the right words to describe it.

Oh wait, I just did, "painfully horrendous".

Prove me wrong Bill, prove me wrong.

No show at Joe Franklin's tonight which has left me here, at my apartment, with nothing to do rather than flick the channels. I can either watch 'True Life' on MTV, a show about a crazy woman who is an Anna Nicole Smith impersonator, or I can watch 'The Anna Nicole Smith Show' on E!, a show about a crazy woman who is Anna Nicole Smith.

Actually, I'm watching the Rockets v. Spurs on TNT. Can someone explain to me why Jeff Van Gundy decided to get hair plugs and then stopped with like 6 of them?

Speaking of TNT, their new thing is showing the same movie three nights in a row. This Thursday through Saturday you can see the first installment of Lord Of the Rings all three nights. Nerds rejoice!

Speaking of nerds, lately I've been thinking back to my days as assistant manager of Electronics Boutique. From 1998-1999 I moved more Legend of Zelda's for N64 than anyone.

Andy Rooney is talking to Larry King on CNN right now. Think he'll ask him who will die first?

Sorry, that was mean an uncalled for.

Also uncalled for are Andy Rooney's eyebrows. Is he so old that nobody will even tell him they look like wings?

I've been working really hard on my one-man show lately. The guts of it are basically complete. Comic and bud Bob Jeurgens has signed on to direct it, I'm thinking it'll be ready sometime in March or April. MY goal over the next few months is to slowly work the bits and pieces into my stand up and see how the flesh themselves out. It'll be an interesting proposition, because not everything in the show is intended to be funny, and lemme tell you, every second I'm on stage as a comedian is pure, unadulterated hilarity.

Still hitting the gym pretty consistently. One thing I never do at the gym is look anyone directly in the eye. I'm not sure why, I feel like it will just get me in trouble somehow.

Speaking of the gym, how many days can I workout in the same shirt? Should I not even have to ask that question?

Ok, I won't even touch the underwear issue then.

Well this baseball steroid scandal continues to deepen. First Giambi, then Sheffield, now Bonds. Some people say this situation is just indicative to baseball and thus not a major problem but I have inside info about a certain comedian who is using steroids and thus can take the microphone out of the stand faster than any other comic. This consistently lets him get to the coveted first laugh faster than anyone else, and in unquestionably highly unethical. Who is this pill-popping comic? Stay tuned for more info.

You gotta love Bonds' statement that he didn't know what he was taking he just took it. I mean if someone walked up to me on the street and was like, "Hey dude, take swallow some of this, and rub some of this on yor knees, its good shit", would I do it? Well, yes, I would. But I'm not a professional baseball player, and I think they should have better sense than me.

Jon McEnroe's talk show on CNBC was cancelled today. That's so sad that a tennis player couldn't make it as a talk show host. Maybe they'll have to start giving talk shows to people who spend years and years in comedy clubs actually working through and perfecting their craft. That would be crazy I say, crazy.

I'm watching FoxNews right now (as you all know I am a right-wing zealot) and they are about to do a story that brings Chistian and Jewish traditions together in a segment they call Chismakkuh. Brilliant.

My roomate is gone on vacation for the week and it is truly unreal how quickly I can take a nice clean apartment and turn it into a dirty den of filth when I don't have to keep it clean for anyone else. I'm actually sitting in a strange combination of gatorade, potatoe chips and some sort of green goo.

Been back at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club while the Comedy Company is shut down till January. It's been interesting going back to my old haunt and feeling like the old, grizzled veteran to the newer, younger comics who are there now. I start most of my conversations with, "Back in my day, we didn't even have a stage, we just stood on our tippy toes..."

Got basketball tonight, I'm working on a new baseline-spin move. I'll let you know how it works out.

It's raining out and I can't find my umbrella. Why even wake up in the morning?

I think UN Secretary General Kofi Annan should step down. No, not because of the Oil For Food Scandal, I just don't like the name Kofi. Sounds shady.

Well, its the last day of November, and I just checked my little webstats thingy, and for the 7th consecutive month Rubinville has gone up in hits. So thanks to you, the fan who comes back to check my insane ramblings. And also thanks to me, who check this site about 400 times a day to make sure everything is under control. If it weren't for us, I could never get 406 hits each and everyday.

Did the Joey Reynold radio show last night, that 710 on your AM dial. Yea, thats right, AM still exists. It's always fun to do the show, Joey has a real way of letting new voices find themselves, something that is so lost in mainstream media.

Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge has resigned. The terrer threat level went from orange to yellow to green to blue to magent to pink to auburn and back to yellow upon confirmation of the resignation.

Not too much exciting stuff going on in the world of sports since the big NBA brawl. My roomate Mike is 7-3 in his Madden '02 season, though. Yea, you know you're getting old when you are three seasons behind in the Madden series.

The Mets are looking into signing Pedro Martinez. In response, the Yankees announced they will purchase the Mets.

Someone said to me that I should write more personal stuff on the Daily Dave. So that being said I want you all to know that right now, at this very second, I am wearing blue jeans and a green t-shirt.

Why is that that everytime I order Chicken with Broccoli from the local Chinese place, there is is always one piece of chicken in there that makes me never want to order Chinese food again?

Alright, time to go do some highly personal things...

Thanksgiving '04 has come and gone. The turkey was delicious, the stuffing was the way stuffing should be, and nobody woke me up during any of my 3 naps. You can't ask for much more than that.

Watched the Sienfeld Reunion like the rest of America. I thought that reunions somehow implied that the people would come together in some way, yet at no point did the entire cast ever appear together. In fact, only for a brief few scenes did even Jerry and Larry David sit together.

I can't wait to have the "Rubin" Reunion. No way in hell I'm gonna sit with those mooching, coat-tail riding bastards.

Saw Billy Crystal's one-man show, "700 Sunday's" on Broadway yesterday. The show was really amazing and I'd defintely recommend it to those who look for my recommendations on the NYC theatre-going experience. The show was deeply personal and extremely funny. Watching this guy, who is so clearly the master of his talents, do say exactly what he wanted to, in the forum that he wanted to do it, will inspire me to do the same thing.

I think there were several grammatical errors and misplaced comma's in the previous sentence but you get the point.

I'm listening to the new U2 CD right now. Literally every song sounds exactly the same and I can't decide if I like it or not. U2 is known to be pretty cutting-edge though, maybe this is just a new genre of music.

Oh wait, I had the CD on repeat. Son of a bitch.

The Ukrainian election is still undecided as protests are going on all over the country. I'm glad I mailed in my absentee ballot instead of showing up to the polls.

In perperation for Thanksgiving tommorrow, and thus spending 24 hours with my family, I have begun drinking already. Drinking will end sometime on Sunday.

Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Speaking of drinking, I just had some chocolate milk. Considering I had peanut butter and jelly for lunch I am beginning to wonder if I am regressing somehow. That, of course, would imply that i ever matured in the first place though, and the jury is out on that one.

Drew Henson might get his first start for the Cowboys this weekend. Good to see him doing something besides creating the Muppets.

Dan Rather is retiring. I'll miss that crazy Texan babbling on TV everynight. Now President Bush has to handle that all by himself.

CNN's Crossfire had guest host's today, and one of them, a woman who's name I don't remember, asked the question, "How can you tell the difference between a plastic explosive and a penis in a man's pants?"

Now there's a woman who needs to get out more often.

The Seinfeld DVD is now out with all of seasons 1-3. Pretty exciting stuff if you don't have a little something called television where you can see Seinfeld pretty much every hour on about 7 different channels.

30.6 million people are supposed to travel over this holiday weekend. That's an important bit of information don't you think?

Would it be pathetic to go see the Spongebob movie by myself tonight?

Hmm, maybe I can find someone else outside the theatre.

Ok folks, thats it for me, have a happy thanksgiving.

The NBA announced the suspencions for the criminals, err, players involved in the brawl in Detroit. Ron Artest is gone for the season, Stephen Jackson for 30 games and Jermaine O'neal for 25. NBA Commish David Stern looked like he aged about 15 years overnight while he was reading the verdict. Poor guy is wishing he had to deal with a Dennis Rodman crossdressing marraige to himself, I bet.

I think Artest's suspension is totally justified and legit. As for the other two, Jackson should also be gone for the season, he ran into the crowd indiscrimintely punching people. And Jermaine O'neal got about the right thing, though he should be thanking his Nike's that he slipped while punching that guy in the head otherwise that dude would probably be in a coma.

All in all, these poor pro atheletes who make millions of dollars to play a sport for a living acted like nothing more than a bunch of monkeys who got hoped on cocaine and then let out of their cages.

I just realized some people might be offended by that statement but I didn't mean it in any offensive way. I don't even know if a monkey's physiology would allow it to be affected by cocaine. It's just creative liscence.

Last thought on the brawl. As a stand up comic, I've seen people throw shit at comics, yell stuff about their mothers and everything in between. Finally, we all now have jutificated to jump into the crowd and start beating people. Thank you NBA.

In other news, I did a weekend up at Banana's Comedy Club in Poughkeepsie, New York. Shows were great and it was nice to get out of the city and see some of that green stuff, what the hell do they call it again? Oh, yea, grass.

Kirstie Alley now weighs 260 pounds and is "too fat for sex" according to Star Magazine. Those tabloids are really such nonsense. I had sex with Kirstie about a week ago and the sex was quite good. Well, except when she was on top, then it was just painful.

Okay, I need to go running I ate at Cracker Barrel yesterday and I accidentely drank a glass of gravy.

So for some reason Rubinville had more hits this past Friday than in any other single month. I'm not sure what caused this crazy amount of hits but I think it has something to do with me saying that CNN anchor Kira Phillips is hot in a recent Daily Dave posting. I could be wrong, but I just have a feeling.

Did 3 shows on Saturday night. Two of them were wildy entertaining and incredibly funny while the 3rd was just average. Unfortunately, the average one was third which leaves that average taste in my mouth. However, 3 gin and tonics later I had no taste in my mouth whatsoever.

Barry Bonds just won his 7th MVP award. Doesn't it bother anyone that he obviously takes or has taken steroids?

Apparently not.

Colin Powell resigned today which many are saying is bad because he was a rare voice of moderation in the Bush administration. I think its good though, cuz finally we can bomb Bermuda and Micronesia.

Yea, Micronesia is a country, look it up.

Star Jones got married this weekend. Now after months of seeing her lose weight for this occasion we can finally slowly watch her balloon back to her natural weight of 445 pounds.

Watched a little bit of an episode of "Who's the Boss?" last night. It made me think, who is a bigger slut, Mona or Blanche from the Golden Girls?

Happy birthday to comedian Mike Singer. He's not only one of the funniest guys I know but also the elder statesman at the Comedy Company. Rumor has it that he was Sid Ceasar's hero when Sid was a child.

Ellen still hasn't called me to be on her show. Keep e-mailing her folks, it'll happen.

All my fish are still alive from the last batch purchased a couple months ago. One seems to be losing his ability to swim horizontally though, that can't be a good thing.

I think I'm gonna wear a hat today. I do it about 5 days per year, every other year.

Arafat is finally dead. There are rumors that he actually died of AIDS which he got while having various homosexual affairs with his bodyguards. That is one secret sex tape I hope never makes it to the internet. Yasser ain't no Paris Hilton. There I said it.

Ok, time to put on my hat.

Only got a couple mintues cuz i have a bunch to do today but I wanted to throw a couple things out there today...

First off, just heard that Nelly (the rapper, for my white fans) has come out with a new energy drink called Pimpjuice. That's right, one word, Pimpjuice. The pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person.

I guess that means I'm a pimp. Aww yea.

Arafat is dead.

No, alive.

Dead.

Alive.

How does nobody know if the guy is dead or not? That's how you know how shady he is, or was. I read an article that said since he controls all the PLO's money they can no longey pay the suicide bombers OR the janitors. Makes you wonder if there are any suicided bombers who are also janitors. They'd be so screwed.

Star Jones is getting married this weekend. I haven't been so ambivalent about something since, well, ever.

A few people have asked me why I'm not on Ellen's show yet despite all the nice things I write about her on the Daily Dave. Answer is I'm not really sure, but I think it's cuz she knows I can't dance.

Wait, what kind of pimp can't dance? Lemme try right now. I need a beat.

"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes"

Aww ya, I got it now. I feel the rhythm.

Apparently, a number of John Kerry supporters in Florida are currently seeking 'trauma therapy' because of the results of the election. That's why this whole thing is screwed up. These poor people have to get analysis and the people of Mississippi can still go on having sex with their sisters completely unabbated.

Don't ask how I linked those two things. It's just a gift.

Hmm, what else? Oh ya, we're taking Fallujah as I write this. I hope they don't bomb the Fallujah Comedy Club, I have a gig there next weekend.

Ok, that's it for now, as always, if any of you want me to hook you up with tickets to Comedy Company let me know. And if you'd like to hook up with me, just send a pic, and we'll talk.

Election Day 2004 is here. I can't tell you how happy I am that this will all be over in only 3 short months once the recalls, recounts, and re-do's are done.

My prediction is Kerry by 4 or 5 percentage points. I think this high turnout thing will help him. That and the fact that Bush is a moron.

I've lately been changing my basketball game from a slasher to a mid-range jump shooter. It's just that at 28 I have to think about my future, and I won't be able to do all these high-flying moves to the hoop in my mid-30's.

Comedy continues to go well. I feel very connected, in-the-moment and positive while on stage. Now if I only felt half that good in real life.

Ellen Degeneres's new show is up 37 percent over this time last year. Ok, fine Ellen, I'll do your show, call me.

NBA season starts tonight. I'll predict 4 rapes, 2 murders and one cocain related heart attack during the season.

Oh, and the Spurs will win the championship.

I'd like to add CNN's Kira Phillips to my list of hot newscasters. That officially knocks Sam Donaldson off the list. Sorry Sammy.

In Nevada they now have an all eletronci voting system but it lets you see a paper trail of what you've done through a glass window. I think they should put something like that next to your bed during sex. A full run-down, stats, highlights, all that good stuff.

Ah, thats a good premise for a joke. Just try to steal it you NBC bastards.

Ok, happy election day people. And remember if your person doesnt win, just burn down the local Starbucks.

Election Day 2004 is here. I can't tell you how happy I am that this will all be over in only 3 short months once the recalls, recounts, and re-do's are done.

My prediction is Kerry by 4 or 5 percentage points. I think this high turnout thing will help him. That and the fact that Bush is a moron.

I've lately been changing my basketball game from a slasher to a mid-range jump shooter. It's just that at 28 I have to think about my future, and I won't be able to do all these high-flying moves to the hoop in my mid-30's.

Comedy continues to go well. I feel very connected, in-the-moment and positive while on stage. Now if I only felt half that good in real life.

Ellen Degeneres's new show is up 37 percent over this time last year. Ok, fine Ellen, I'll do your show, call me.

NBA season starts tonight. I'll predict 4 rapes, 2 murders and one cocain related heart attack during the season.

Oh, and the Spurs will win the championship.

I'd like to add CNN's Kira Phillips to my list of hot newscasters. That officially knocks Sam Donaldson off the list. Sorry Sammy.

In Nevada they now have an all eletronci voting system but it lets you see a paper trail of what you've done through a glass window. I think they should put something like that next to your bed during sex. A full run-down, stats, highlights, all that good stuff.

Ah, thats a good premise for a joke. Just try to steal it you NBC bastards.

Ok, happy election day people. And remember if your person doesnt win, just burn down the local Starbucks.

Here's a link to a little Comedy Central promo I shot for my comic bud Jeff Glasse...

http://www.jeffglasse.com/cc_demo.mov

You need quicktime to view it. Quicktime, sounds like my sexual stamina.

Ka-Ching....

Why is it that Shaquille O'neal gets start a new fitness regimine to get himself on shape and it gets him on the cover of every magazine in the country while I do the same thing and all it gets me is stares from some weird, old man on the elliptical machine?

Interesting weekend of shows. The highlight was that a group of college kids who were at the early show at the Comedy Company ended up going to the late show at Joe Franklin's. I just so happened to stop by JF's to do a spot and when I was on stage I realized it was them. Most comics probably wouldn't want people to see them do back-to-back spots because it's hard to be original and fresh with that quick of a turnaround, but I was able to weave that into some good comedy.

Well, it was either my comedic skills that made the second show funny or the fact that these guys live in a dorm called Morehead. Yea, that's right, Morehead. God, I wish I was back in college, I could go for Morehead.

Speaking of Morehead, I'm in a bit of a drought. Pray for me.

The college kids did inform me that 8-bit Nintendo is back. Thank god, I can't tell you how mangled my fingers are cuz of all the buttons on Playstation 2. Can anyone even tell me what the hell L1 is for?

Boston is now up 3-0 in the World Series. I guess the curse is coming to an end. Reminds me of the time that Dorothy's aunt put a curse on her and Sophia ended up having to kiss a fool to get the curse lifted. Originally she just wanted to kiss Rose, but Rose we find out that Rose doesn't qualify as a fool, she is a simpleton.

Yea, I watch Lifetime TV, you got a problem with that? Meridith Baxter Birney is a very pwerful actress.

Less that a week till the big election. I think if you are still on the fence at this point that it should be an electric fence, cuz you are an idiot and you deserve an electric shock up your asscrack.

Ashley Simpson lip-sync's on SNL and is now prooving that any publicity is good publicity. Ironic, considering I don't know anyone who has watched Saturday Night life in about 4 years.

Yasser Arafat's health is in critical condition. Best wishes to him for a long, painful death.

For some reason my posting to the Daily Dave from yesterday got posted 3 times. I guess my writing is just that powerful. Read the first one and then ignore the two beneath it. Just a lil service announcement...

In a moment of complete weakness I saw a little of the new, brilliant reality show, "The Biggest Loser", where fat people have to lose weight to win. I'm not sure what they win, but I'm guessing its not a Ham of the Month club membership.

The show was funny in that I couldn't believe how pathetic these fat people are. Seeing some woman go crazy because she thinks her blood sugar level was quite hilarious, I must admit. The two major highlights though, were at the end when one fat girl got voted off, and to signify so, they shut off the light on her personal refridgerator. That's right, they shut the light on her personal refridgerator. The other highlight was seeing the host, the once successful Caroline Rhea, as she had to tell these fat people the rules and regulations of the show. She not only is fatter than several of the contestants, but the seeing the sadness in her face is just priceless. I say that cuz I'm pretty sure that hosting a show for fat people to loose weight brings selling-out to a whole new level.

I assume the follow up show will be where we see skinny people gaining weight. And yes, I'd like to host it.

All my fish that I got last month are still alive. And they say God doesn't do miracles anymore.

Al Gore is heading to Florida to campaign for John Kerry. Is there any way that could be considered a good thing unless you work for the Republican National Convention?

Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian. There, I said it. Let the firestorm begin.

The Late Late Show (the one nobody watches after Letterman), has been looking for a new host since Craig Kilborne left. I AM AVAILABLE YOU NETWORK MORONS! TRY COMING OUT
TO A LIVE COMEDY SHOW IN NYC AND DISCOVERING SOME NEW TALENT.

Sorry for yelling.

The Yanks blew a 3-0 lead to the Red Sox in what some people are calling the greatest upset in the history of sports. I'd like to remind those people of the time that Ari, his brother Jimmy and their friend (I forget his name), beat me, my brother and Jon in a game of stickball in the back of Willits Elementary School in the fall of 1989.

Regarding my last Daily Dave about Jon Stewart on Crossfire, I sent a strongly worded e-mail to those morons at CNN. That'll show those right-wing liberal bastards.

Isreal killed Hamas number 2 man, Adnan al-Ghoul earlier today. I'm pretty sure if your last name is al-Ghoul you are automatically gonna be a bad dude.

Hopefully, many of you caught or have heard about Jon Stewart's appearance on CNN's Crossfire a few days ago. From beat one Jon relentlessly attacked the two host for their hack-quasi-debate format and how they are only hurting American politics not helping people make up their minds. Ticket Carlson, that small-minded twit who wears the bowtie, was particularly taken back by Jon's comments and the two of them went back and forth for the better part of 15 minutes.

I was an intern at the Daily Show during the winter of 1999 and got to talk to Jon a couple times. I also learned alot from him watching him do not only the show, but during warmup before the show. Once I asked him to give me some advice about doing stand up and he told me two words that I have used to fuel my fire ever since. I'm not gonna repeat them right now, cuz they are a little trick I use to inspire myself, but when I make it I'll pass em down to some young comic who asks. At one point Jon promised to watch a a tape of mine, but unfortunately my internship ended before we were able to sit down.

While I was a little bitter about not getting a job at the Daily Show after my internship, I left there with nothing but respect for Jon, and after watching him on Crossfire, my respect has doubled. He did something that so few comedians are willing to do ---- risk not being funny to actually try to say something. As I watched him slice into Carlson, I could see how difficult it was for Jon to be biting and on the attack, while at the same time not dumb down what he was saying just for the sake of the easy laugh. That point was highlighted when Carlson told John, "You're a comedian, be funny." And Jon said, "I'm not your monkey."

I'm gonna use this moment as something to fuel myself to say what I want to say more and not pull the punches just because the laugh is there. So thanks Jon, first for those two words of advice you gave me five years ago, and now for showing me you can have success and not compromise your beliefs at the same time.

Hopefully, many of you caught or have heard about Jon Stewart's appearance on CNN's Crossfire a few days ago. From beat one Jon relentlessly attacked the two host for their hack-quasi-debate format and how they are only hurting American politics not helping people make up their minds. Ticket Carlson, that small-minded twit who wears the bowtie, was particularly taken back by Jon's comments and the two of them went back and forth for the better part of 15 minutes.

I was an intern at the Daily Show during the winter of 1999 and got to talk to Jon a couple times. I also learned alot from him watching him do not only the show, but during warmup before the show. Once I asked him to give me some advice about doing stand up and he told me two words that I have used to fuel my fire ever since. I'm not gonna repeat them right now, cuz they are a little trick I use to inspire myself, but when I make it I'll pass em down to some young comic who asks. At one point Jon promised to watch a a tape of mine, but unfortunately my internship ended before we were able to sit down.

While I was a little bitter about not getting a job at the Daily Show after my internship, I left there with nothing but respect for Jon, and after watching him on Crossfire, my respect has doubled. He did something that so few comedians are willing to do ---- risk not being funny to actually try to say something. As I watched him slice into Carlson, I could see how difficult it was for Jon to be biting and on the attack, while at the same time not dumb down what he was saying just for the sake of the easy laugh. That point was highlighted when Carlson told John, "You're a comedian, be funny." And Jon said, "I'm not your monkey."

I'm gonna use this moment as something to fuel myself to say what I want to say more and not pull the punches just because the laugh is there. So thanks Jon, first for those two words of advice you gave me five years ago, and now for showing me you can have success and not compromise your beliefs at the same time.

Hopefully, man of you caught or have heard about Jon Stewart's appearance on CNN's Crossfire a few days ago. From beat one Jon relentlessly attacked the two host for their hack-quasi-debate format and how they are only hurting American politics not helping people make up their minds. Ticket Carlson, that small-minded twit who wears the bowtie, was particularly taken back by Jon's comments and the two of them went back and forth for the better part of 15 minutes.

I was an intern at the Daily Show during the winter of 1999 and got to talk to Jon a couple times. I also learned alot from him watching him do not only the show, but during warmup before the show. Once I asked him to give me some advice about doing stand up and he told me two words that I have used to fuel my fire ever since. I'm not gonna repeat them right now, cuz they are a little trick I use to inspire myself, but when I make it I'll pass em down to some young comic who asks. At one point Jon promised to watch a a tape of mine, but unfortunately my internship ended before we were able to sit down.

While I was a little bitter about not getting a job at the Daily Show after my internship, I left there with nothing but respect for Jon, and after watching him on Crossfire, my respect has doubled. He did something that so few comedians are willing to do ---- risk not being funny to actually try to say something. As I watched him slice into Carlson, I could see how difficult it was for Jon to be biting and on the attack, while at the same time not dumb down what he was saying just for the sake of the easy laugh. That point was highlighted when Carlson told John, "You're a comedian, be funny." And Jon said, "I'm not your monkey."

I'm gonna use this moment as something to fuel myself to say what I want to say more and not pull the punches just because the laugh is there. So thanks Jon, first for those two words of advice you gave me five years ago, and now for showing me you can have success and not compromise your beliefs at the same time.

So about a month ago I wrote something in the Daily Dave about the differences between midget and dwarfs (I'm sure an umpa lumpa reference was in there for comedic purposes), and it turns out that someone searched "differences between midgets and dwarfs" and got linked to Rubinville. You gotta love internet search engines.

Yea, thats right people, I can check what you are searching for when you end up here on Rubinville. So watch out. I can see you right now. Stop doing that. I said stop.

Okay, moving along from the crypic internet stalker stuff, I'd like to dedicate this entry to Rodney Dangerfield who hopefully is getting some respect with the man upstairs. Rodney did more for stand up comics (Jim Carrey, Andrew Dice Clay, Sam Kinison, just to name a few), than pretty much anyone else. Him dancing on the golf course to "Anyway You Want It" by Journey in Caddyshack is one of my favorite all-time movie scenes.

John Edwards said yesterday that when John Kerry is president, "people like Christopher Reeves will be able to get up and walk".

Maybe someone should tell Edwards that Reeves died the other day.

One more exicting debate coming up. And by exciting I mean dull, boring, uninspiring and insulting.

First ever Afghanistan election was yesterday. I know the US backed Hamid Karzi, but I voted for Hamid bin Karzel. I felt like his domestic policies were more suited to my needs. Who'd you vote for?

So about a month ago I wrote something in the Daily Dave about the differences between midget and dwarfs (I'm sure an umpa lumpa reference was in there for comedic purposes), and it turns out that someone searched "differences between midgets and dwarfs" and got linked to Rubinville. You gotta love internet search engines.

Yea, thats right people, I can check what you are searching for when you end up here on Rubinville. So watch out. I can see you right now. Stop doing that. I said stop.

Okay, moving along from the crypic internet stalker stuff, I'd like to dedicate this entry to Rodney Dangerfield who hopefully is getting some respect with the man upstairs. Rodney did more for stand up comics (Jim Carrey, Andrew Dice Clay, Sam Kinison, just to name a few), than pretty much anyone else. Him dancing on the golf course to "Anyway You Want It" by Journey in Caddyshack is one of my favorite all-time movie scenes.

John Edwards said yesterday that when John Kerry is president, "people like Christopher Reeves will be able to get up and walk".

Maybe someone should tell Edwards that Reeves died the other day.

One more exicting debate coming up. And by exciting I mean dull, boring, uninspiring and insulting.

First ever Afghanistan election was yesterday. I know the US backed Hamid Karzi, but I voted for Hamid bin Karzel. I felt like his domestic policies were more suited to my needs. Who'd you vote for?

Had one of our best weekends ever at the Comedy Company. Sometimes it's hard to step back and see what you are doing for what it really is, but I'm so convinced that myself and the comics that I work with are going to be the next big names in comedy, and we're pushing each other everynight to get there. Saturday in particular we all went up and just crushed one after another, nobody letting down the slack. That's what we all live for, to pick up the ball and run with it. The race is on, now we just need more people to know about the good work.

The highlight of the shows was when a girl came up to me after the early show and told me that she laughed so hard during my set that she actually peed in her pants. She had to wear her friends weater around her waist to not show the stain. Hopefully she'll wash it before returning it.

That's what comedy is all about, making people pee in their pants.

More debate action over the past week. Rumors are afloat that Bush is actually just recieting whatever someone is telling him via some sort of earpiece. Don't you think that the guy doing the recieting would be a little smarter if that was the case?

Yanks-Red Sox begins on Tuesday. I'm gonna go with the Yanks in 7 for 3 reasons:

1. Jeter will do something amazing.
2. Bernie will hit a big single late in a game
3. The Red Sox good luck midget really doesn't have any special powers.

Have you seen that midget that the Red Sox think is giving them good luck? Midgets don't give good luck guys. If they did I would be more successful. I keep a midget in a cage in the kitchen.

No dead fish since the new additions to the tank. I owe several people some money due to the bet I offered in my last blog.

Somehow we lost the remote control to the tv and I literally haven't changed the channel all day. Thank god it was on Fox with Sunday Football and not ESPN3 with Lesbian Badmiton.

Is that how you spell Badmiton?

There's something funny about Lesbian Badmiton, cuz isnt' the thing they hit called a shuttle cock? Get it? Lesbians? Shuttle cock? Does it get any better?

John Kerry pretty easily got the W in the first debate against W. I'm almost considering supporting Kerry now. Of course, I'm sure he'll do something to screw that up any day now. He does have a nice fake tan though, doesn't he?

How many times did Bush tell us that Poland is in our coalition? Is that even a good thing?

Also, did you notice that Bush kept drinking out of his glass even when there was no water in it? Yup, this is a bright guy.

Basbell playoffs start tommorrow. I'll go with the Yanks over the Twins and Angels over the Red Sox. I can't rememeber who got in from the National League, but I hope they enjoy their pitchers batting, thats always very exciting.

We're hosting some events for the NYC Underground Comedy Festival over at the Comedy Company this week. Seeing as our club actually is underground I would expect big things from this.

Janet Leigh, who played the woman who got killed in the show in the movie Psycho, died over the weekend.

So lemme get this straight, she didn't get killed in the shower? This changes everything.

This just in...Shaq and Kobe still don't get along.

Some guy at the gym keeps asking if he can spot me. I couldn't keep refusing so finally I let him this afternoon. I just don't understand how holding my balls will help me lift weights.

Got a jacket at the Gap last week for 50 bucks and then I went there today and it is only 25. I was gonna cause a big to-do but then I realized that the manager of the Gap probably has enough problems.

Carl Cameron of FoxNews made up a story that included quotes by John Kerry claiming he does his nails and is a metrosexual. I guess this means that by Fair and Balanced, Fox actually means, Fake and Madeup.

Restocked the aquarium over the weekend. I'll be taking bets via e-mail on the over-under of how long till the first death.

Haven't hit the Daily Dave in a lil while as I was home at the folks for a couple days and needed the mental preperation to do so for the few days before that. The highlight of the family-time was the big debate my entire family (cousins, aunts and uncles included) had about how it is chicken eggs get fertilized. Do they send in a Rooster to bang all the chickens? How do chickens have sex? My cousin claimed that the Rooster has some kind of spray that he spray on the eggs.

Long story short, Foghorn Leghorne was a lucky guy.

Another hurricane is smacking around Florida pretty good. Maybe these people shouldn't build their houses out of toothpicks.

So a day after I post the blog honoring Clyde Drexler, NBA.com has an article saying he is considering a comeback. Everyone comes back these days. Watch this...

I'd like to announce my retirement.

And now I'd like to announce my comeback.

See how easy that was?

William Shatner is on some new ABC Show "Boston Legal". Can anyone see him as anyone besides Captain Kirk? Hmm, that might be a good hook for the show, Captain Kirk becomes a lawyer in his golden years. First case, whether or not Spock's ears were real.

Football season is in full swing. I can't really get into it until baseball is over but let me make one prediction. I think that that dorky guy and that annoying guy on ESPN will be arguing over a lot of unimportant stuff over the next few months.

Normally, these journal entries are hilarious little tidbits about life and jokes about whatever is in the newspaper on any given day. Today, I want to use this entry to thank and honor my childhood here, Clyde Drexler, who is being inducted to the Basketball Hall of Fame tonight.

I became a basketball fan, ironically, not through playing basketball or even watching basketball, but by playing Sega Genesis. It was 1991 when I got the classic "Lakers v. Celtics" game and soon, me, my brother, and my friends we're all addicted to it. The game itself was a huge step up from Nintendo's "Double Dribble" in terms of graphics and sound, and it used real NBA teams and real NBA players. I don't really remember why I started using the Portland Trailblazers as my team, but I did, and soon I became familiar with all their players and knew more stats than I'd like to admit.

Clyde was the clear star of the team and his signature move was a one handed "glide" to the rim from the free throw line. Yea, Terry Porter could shoot the lights out from 3 point land, but nothing is better than the free throw line dunk. Soon after playing, my friends and I started to get into actually playing REAL basketball and watching it on TV. Something about Clyde's seemingly effortless moves to the hoop, and the way it looked like he was barely paying attention yet so in the game at the same time just awed me. That year the Trailblazers, led by Clyde, had the best record in the league but we're upset by Magic Johnson and the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals. That season was in between two seasons which the Blazers made the finals but lose both times.

Ultimately, Clyde got traded to his hometown of Houston where he finally won his championship and got the recognition he had deserved for so long. His play throughout the post season was inspired and the Rockets became the first 6 seed to ever win a NBA championship. The next few seasons the Rockets were among the Western Conference elite, but never made it back to the finals. Clyde however continued to play at the high level we had become accustomed to.

Watching Clyde play those last few years were when I really learned to appreciate all his skill and dedication. While he couldn't jump as high as he used to, he learned to become a better shooter, rebounder, passer and overall team player. He was known as a true gentleman on and off the court, something pretty rare for any athlete these days. When he retired he still was putting up All-Star quality numbers and defintely could've played productively for a few more season. However, he chose to go out with class and while still playing with the passion and fire that he had always had.

I learned a lot from watching Clyde all those years. Not only did I develop a finger roll second only to his (let a kid dream, ok?), but he helped teach me how to be a team player and how to consistentely pursue my goals. Many said Clyde was too old to win when he was traded to the Rockets, and he proved them wrong because he knew he had more to prove to himself. Clyde finally winning that champoinship after all those years helps me feed my dream of whatever the championship is for me as a comic. His smooth-style, his quiet-reserved attitude and his competitive spirit are all things I think that I have incorporated into my life and continue to work on everyday.

So, thanks Clyde, and goodluck on your next adventure.

My computer seems to be having major slow-down problems these days. Ironic, because I've recently deleted all the porn and you'd think that would speed the whole thing up. Come to think of it, I think they should add a "DELETE PORN" button to the next generation of Windows.

NASA's Genesis space apsule came crashing down to Earth today and probably lost all the information it collected. Reminds me of the time i was playing Sega Genesis with my brother and he threw the controller at my head, requiring 15 stiches, and three days off from school. Pretty sweet, huh?

So I keep e-mailing Ellen Degeneres, once a day, at her website, ellendegeneres.com. She claims to read all the e-mails but has yet to respond to any of mine. Feel free to e-mail her and tell her to respond to my e-mails.

The Yanks requested that the Devil Rays forfiet a game that was postponed because of Hurricane Frances. Yup, that's right, 180 million dollar payroll and they want one of the worst teams in baseball to forfiet. Pathetic.

Yea, no joke there, people. Some things should be joked about. I know when not to cross that line.

Speaking of that line, how about that Russian School Siege. Talk about starting the school year off with a bang.

Ok, ok, that was in poor taste. But I was just illustrating a point. I'm not sure what point exactly, but I think there was some point in there.

Oh, wait, I got joke for the Yankees forfiet situation. So the Yanks want the Devil Rays to forfiet the game which they refuse to do, but the Mets have announced that they forfieted the season about 2 months ago.

Ahhh, there we go. That's the good stuff.

The Republicans are gone and let me be the first to say that I'll really miss that group of highly repressed, controlling, fearful group of people.

Now that I think of it, the Republicans are a lot like my family.

I think for now on when Bush comes out instead of playing "Hail to the Chief", they should play the music that Darth Vader always came out to in Star Wars.

Anyhoo, we're back to normal shows at the Comedy Company. I'd say 3 of the 4 shows this weekend were great. I've talked about this before, but we really are doing something special almost everynight. When I'm part of those special shows I know I'm sitting there with the next Seinfeld, the next Letterman, then next Johnson.

Who's Johnson you ask? Good question. Well, not everyone makes it in comedy, and I'm sure there was a Johnson who didnt.

The Yankees are falling apart faster than the Kerry campaign.

I wish Bill Clinton a quick and speedy recovery from this bypass thingy. I'll also take the over and whether he'll get two or more nurse BJ's while in recovery.

Republican Convention, Day 2...

I dunno about GWB as a competent president, or even competent human being, but Laura Bush has really white, straight teeth. I waonder if she uses Crest White Stripes.

Can anyone explain to me the technology behind the telepromters that look like see-though glass to us, but show politicians scrolling words? Do they all have some sort of chip implanted in their retina's?

Arnold speech was very Arnoldish. How do you become a charicature of yourself like that? And what's up with him and this 'girle man' thing? I don't see what Richard Simmons has to do with the Republican platform.

Wolf Blitzer continues to be the most boring man on Cable News. Judy Woodruff is right behind him. Ironically, rumor has it he has done her from behind.

Were the Bush daughters drunk or stoned during that speech? I can't tell which, but I know it was one or the other.

In other news I bought new deoderant today. Switched to Gillette after being stricly Right Guard for about 2 years now. I don't know why I made the switch, it was just an impromtu thing. Yea, I'm crazy like that.

They Yankees lostr 22-0 to the Indians last night. The same way I offered my services to USA basketball, I'd now like to offer my services to the Yanks as a replacement starter. While I am a lefty, I throw righty. Think about it, Mr. Steinbrenner.

Been thinking of getting a new Playstation 2 game, anyone have any recommendations? I'm looking for something fairly mindless, lots of shooting and explosions. Like my real life.

The Republicans are here in full force. Yes, that happy bunch of open-minded, free-thinking peaceniks is here and the rest of us just have to deal with it. They've brought with them thousands of protesters who, normally are more my kind of people, but many of them need deoderant, and all of them need to shower.

The highlight of the convention last night was Rudy Guiliani's speech. He made some good points about not backing down to terror and how the US must lead the world in the fight for freedom. I just feel bad for the people sitting in the first few rows because his lisp seems rather pronounced and that means a lot of spit was flying.

The city is otherwise dead besides the Republicans and the protesters. The club was pretty emtpy last night and bars and restaurants everywhere were light as well. Once again Republicans screwing me over. First it was my mom not being able to have me aborted, then this.

That was disturbing.

And funny.

Or maybe disturbingly funny.

President Bush told Matt Lauer yesterday that we cannot win the war on terror. A few minutes later Los Angeles Clippers President Donald Sterling said that the Clippers cannont win, ever.

Just made some tuna for lunch. I've been on a turkey kick lately and felt the need to switch to tuna. Let's just hope i don't die of mercury poisoning.

Andrew Tavani and I have almost finished out next project and will be pitching it to several networks soon. If this show doesn't get picked up we will either begin another project or start filming a reality show about 2 comics who go around NYC trying to assassin network executives.

I've been thinking of wearing flip-flops on stage but I'm worried about a twisted ankle. And they say comedy is easy.

So Kerry either was a war hero or apparently murdered 100's of innocent Vietnamese, depending on who you listen to. Considering GWB was snorting coke and living of his dad at the time I don't really think he should be talking.

Tony Danza has a new talk show coming out. It's called, "Who's the talk show host most likely to be cancelled within 2 months?"

The Republicans will be here in NYC in the next few days. If I go on a shooting spree just to take out some Republicans is that considered terrorism? I'd do it to the democrats too, so it's not just about killing Republicans for me, if that's what you think.

The convention protesters wants to use the great lawn to stage a massive protest. That is where I do most of my writing, including these journal entries very often. Would it be wrong to shoot up a couple protesters? See, I'm equal oppurtunity. I just want some silence.

Don't worry I won't shoot anyone, I'm waiting for lasers to come out before I do something like that.

I just heard Governor Pataki say that "everyone should come to New York City now, I will be here, my wife Libby will be here, our children will be here." Wow, that does sound enticing.

I just had grilled cheese for breakfast. Can that be done?

Just got back from 5 days in Chicago. Wrigley Field was the main highlight, that place really is a throwback to another era in baseball. Unfortunately, the Cubs lost, and i think the guy next to me had a bit of a gas problem. That might have had something to do with the 6 Chicago-Style hot dogs he ate.

Flying on an airplane during turbulence is the only time I directly talk to God.

On Sunday night I caught Alien v. Predator. I can;t really tell you anything about the plot of the movie, but there were just enough explosions and green blood and sliced heads to make it worth while. Interestingly, AVP as it's known, was the number 1 movie of the weekend. That comes on the heels of Freddie v. Jason doing surprisingly well too. I wonder how many of these movies they can pit againt each other, like Forest Gump v. The Ladies of the Joy Luck Club, or Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man v. DeNiro in Awakenings.

USA lost to Puerto Rico in Olympic Hoops the other day. For the last time, I'm available guys. I'm more of a natural point guard than Iverson or Marbury.

Speaking of Marbury, he is by far the most over-rated player in NBA history.

Governor Jim McGreevey of New Jersey is gay. That probably explains why NJ has no sales tax on clothes.

State University of New York at Albany was just ranked the number 1 party school in the country. I went to the State University of New York at Binghamton, during which time my dorm room was ranked as #2 pot smoking room in the country.

They guys 2 doors over smoked A LOT of pot. They had a real problem.

American Idol is auditioning people in Washington, DC today. I'm glad I have spent 6 years reworking and retooling and redifining my craft while Simon Cowell can tell some semi-retarded person that he won't make it.

Back to comedy tonight after my 5 day break. I feel refreshed, reinvigorated and rejuvinated. Now if I only knew a good joke.

According to Drudgereport.com, John Kerry and wife Theresa got into a big fight last night in Flagstaff, Arizona, and ended up sleeping in different hotel rooms. My sources tell me that Theresa enjoyed not sleeping next to an "emotionless, cold, stiff" and instead cuddled up to a "warm, fluffly and cozy pillow" all night.

Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes was arrrested last night for supposedly lunging into two cops outside an east side restaurant here in Manhattan. Yea, its good to see with terrorists trying to blow the city to smitherines that cops are protecting us from those crazy 86 year old TV anchors. I have nightmares about them.

So Mary Kay LeTourneau is trying to get back with the boy who fathered her child when he was 12 years old. I really don't know why everyone is makking such a big deal about this whole situation. I mean back when I was a kid everyone slept with at least one teacher. Actually, I slept with 2 teachers, the school nurse, the librarian, the ice cream man and a priest.

The priest was the only really disturbing one...because I'm not even Catholic.

Thank you very much. I'll be here all week, don't forget to try the veal.

Some dude in San Fransisco faked his own beheading and posted it on the Kazaa file sharing sservice to show the media that they shouldn't just swallow all of the terrorists videos withouth checking the facts. Some people are saying that this kid just did us a great service, while others are saying he is just some wacko. One thing we can all agree on however, is that Kazaa has some pretty great porn.

I've become completely and wholly addicted to Jamba Juice. The Orange Dream Machine is like crack to me. Someone help me. Someone. Please. I need help.

Thousands of people continue to die of starvation or are being slaughtered in the Sudan. What has the world come to when Muslims are killing Muslims? It's like the Iran-Iraq war all over again. Hmm, I can't think of the funny part, maybe something about Sadaam having mustard gas?

CBS is getting good summer ratings for Charlie Sheen's "Two and a Half Men". I've never seen it, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it is no "My Two Dads".

Whatever happened to the guy who wasn't Paul Rieser anyways?

Come to think of it, what happened to Paul Rieser?

Great shows at Comedy Company all this past week, especially the weekend. Sometimes I think we'll really look back on these as the good old days so I gotta somehow appreciate them more. But then I think, you know what, when I have the mansion and the pool and the PS2 in my Hummer, those days will be pretty good too.

Sportscenter is going "Old School" this week and bringing back anchors from years past. I'd say my two favorite anchors would be Craig Kilborne and Charlie Steiner. I think Kilbourne was the one who really added comedy to the show, and Steiner would just burst into uncontrollable laughter while on-air which was always great to see. Imagine if Tom Brokaw ever did that, that would make news actually worth watching.

Spent yesterday with my family and got into a big debate over whether lesbians should be allowed to get married. Then the debate became about the differences between midgets and dwarfs. It ended with everyone agreeing that lesbian midgets should not be allowed to marry.

So the Dream Team is still struggling in these pre-Olympic warm-up games. I wish there was some way we could take that original Dream Team and have them play these guys. I think the orginals would win every game by about 20 points.

Speaking of the original Dream Team, I am thinking of going to the Basketball Hall of Fame the weekend of Septemeber 10th, to see my childhood hero, Clyde Drexler, inducted to the hall. I can't get anyone to come with me though. You wanna come?

Alan Keyes is now running for Sentor in Illinois. This guy is like the black Ralph Nader, he just doesn't know when to throw in the towel.

And no that note I'm going to buy a new towel. Really. I need a new towel. There was no implication in that. I just would like a new fluffy shower towel. That's it. Really.

Bill Clinton was on Letterman last night. Man, I really wish that guy was still President. There is something so calmly cool about him, like he knows something really important, and he just gives us enough information so we don't go crazy. That's in stark contrast to Mr. Bush who clearly knows nothing and keeps us all afraid all the time so we don't call him out on it.

The American basketball team got crushed by the Italians yesterday, marking the first time that an American team has lost in this competitions since pros have been used starting in 1992. Some people are saying the Americans are at a disadvange because of the zone defense played in Europe and that theEuropeans are better outside shooters. That may be true, but I think that this specific loss to the Italians might've had something to do with Tony Soprano brandishing his gun while sitting courtside.

Ellen Cleghorne, who was on Saturday Night Live when it was actually funny in the mid 90's, will be on both shows this Saturday at the Comedy Company.

Terror levels are up here in NYC. I don't know about you guys, but everytime they up the terror level I just walk around with one eyebrow a little higher than the other. That makes people think I'm crazy.

I'm not sure what that has to do with the terror level, but people don't ask me for directions when I do that.

Tucker Carlson, the right-wing, bow-tie wearing dork on CNN is a right-wing, bow-tie wearing dork.

Why do I keep getting random Instant Messages from girls who want to show me their webcams? It's so sad that teen girls are so lonley.

Went to my 10th High School Reunion on Friday night. That's right people, it was only 10 years ago that I was a pot-smoking, video-game playing, Sportscenter watching kid. Oh wait, that was yesterday, too. Anyhoo, it was a great time as I expected. Got to see lots of old random people and, more importantly, got to see how many of the guys I have more hair than.

The people it was best to see were moslty from Alice P. Willits Elementary School. I was a real stud back then and it was good to see all the people who remember me as said stud.

In career news, I taped VH1's "Awesomely Badder Girls" on Friday. I was quite hilarious if I do say so myself, and it airs sometime in September. Also, using the latest makeup techniques I looks hot as hell. I woulda even done myself.

I'm looking forward to the Republican Convention coming to town in a few weeks because it'll be fun to do some political material in that atmosphere. I will, of course, be wearing a bullet-proof vest on stage because as we all know, most Bush supporters are gun-toting lunatics.

Speaking of the convention, President Bush is going to outline his intelligence plan on Monday. The report is entitled "We Don't know Much."

El Duque is the best starting pitcher for the Yanks right now. What year is this?

I don't like M. Night Shyamalan. I don't know why, but I don't.

Correction to recent entry: Turns out that Steven Spielberg, not Robert Zemeckis will be doing the new Transformers movie. Steve, if you are reading this I wouldn't mind seeing some Transformers v. Velociraptor action.

Yea, I call him Steve.

Nicholas Cage married a 20 year old former waitress. Didn't he do a movie about that a few years ago?

The Democratic National Convention is now underway in Boston.  It marks the first time in almost 80 years that Red Sox fans will have anything to cheer about.

Did you see Kerry throw out the first pitch ay the Yanks-Red Sox game the other day?  He bounced it before home plate and then it went through the catchers legs.  The whole country is trying to hand this stiff the presidency and he just can't grab the hand off without fumbling.

Prosecutors are saying that Micheal Jackson imprisoned the family of the child he molested so that they would video tape themselves saying Michael didn't molest the boy.  Only MJ could be accused of kidnapping an entire family and I'd go, "Yup, sounds right."

The White House is projecting the budget will be 420 billion dollars in debt this year.   420.  That's right 420.  You could buy a lot of weed with that.

My mom called me the other day to tell me to talk more about the family in my act.  I just don't know that much about the mafia. 

There was a death in the fish tank yesterday.  I can't take much more of this.

Hmm, let's see what else?  Stand up twice a night everynight.  Writing a bunch of different stuff.  Trying to enjoy life.  And now to head out to hand out flyers in the rain.   Yea, life is pretty good.

 

The 9/11 Commission released their big report today.  Basically it says that the government didn't have enough imagination prior to 9/11 and that they recommend one new government agency to handle terrorism.

That's pretty imaginative right there, isn't it?  A government agency to deal with terrorism.  These guys are good.  I feel safe.

Just went to Starbucks to do some writing.  It's been a couple months since I've been there.  They now have see through cabinets containing different coffee beans with explanations on how some beans are different than others.  I wish they had that for regular beans, instead we just get a song about how much they make you fart.

I'm hearing rumors that Robert Zemeckis is going to be directing the live action Transformers movie.  I'm a big fan of many of his movies, but I'm just saying right now that if Forrest Gump makes an appearance it better be so that Megatron can blow his head off.

"Life is like a box of choc....KABlAAM!!!"

Kablaam, how's that for an explosion?  Not bad, right?

Let's see what else is going on?  Yesterday I was deep in thought and instead of swiping my metro card through the turnstile I just walked right into it.  I've just been really preoccupied with cell phone plans lately.  Nobody can explain to me what roaming is exactly.  And why am I doing it in Midtown?

 

 

I think Donald Rumsfeld might be a close relative of Skeletor, they have very similiar facial structure.

So back to Bill Maher on The Tonight Show last night.  He really is a good example of a comic who isn't compromising what he believes just for the sake of success.  That was in stark contract to the NBC Suck-Face he was sitting across from, Jay Leno, who has about as much credibility as a Dorito.  Or is it a Tostito?  Well, either way.

I've really been working on trying to become more singular about my social and political views on stage, and seeing Bill Maher do just that will push me even moreso to do it for myself.  So, with that in mind, I think that John Kerry has great hair. 

Damn, this is gonna be tough.

Former Defense Secretary Sandy Berger is being investigated for taking some secret files about 9/11 from a secure room.  I'm not sure if he did anything wrong, but isn't Sandy Burger the type of hamburger you get in an Iraqi desert?

Damn, this is gonna be  real tough.

A new poll of Canadian teenagers says that 40 percent of them think that the US is a force for evil.  In contrast, a new poll of American teenagers says that 40 percent of them think that Canada doesn't really exist.

Maybe I'll get into prop comedy.  More tommorrow.

 

 

 

Got home early tonight and I flicked on the Tonight Show which I am watching right now.  Bill Maher is truly one of the best voices in this country today.  Too bad he is sitting across from Jay Leno.

More tommorrow.

 

I've been thinking lately about some contemporaries of mine who are having some real tangible success while I'm still doing the club thing everynight, trying to refine my act and delve deeper and deeper into my own self and see what comes out. On one hand I want that immediate gratification (although after 6 years it wouldn't be that immediate), but at the same time I know that you can't fake all the work that it takes to be a really great comic and not just a game show host or some talking head. That's why I'm so proud of what we've created first at Joe Franklin's and now at The Comedy Company. We're really building great comics, if they truly want to be great. And I know I do, so I guess the rest is up to something much bigger than me.

In summation, John McEnroe's new talk show sucks, and hopefully will be cancelled by the time I click "Submit" on this blogger entry.

The Republicans last their bid to get an Amendment on Same-Sex Marraiges. Since when we we ADD laws to LIMIT people's rights? Who cares if two gay people want to get married, that means they want equal right's, not extra ones. If they wanted to marry another guy and something else, say a chair or a lizard, well that would be extra, but just one dude, who cares?

Good use of capitalization in the above paragraph, right?

Shaq has officially been traded to Miami. I'm going to predict that he's gonna have a monster year and that the Heat will win the East. Yup, I make the crazy predictions.

I've gotten a couple people e-mailing me about the political material in the new video on the site here. It's nice to hear, but with Bush as president this shit really writes itself.

New video being uploaded to the site as I write this. It's funny, cuz no matter how good a set is, I always know I can do better, so it's hard for me to enjoy it after the fact. In that respect, doing stand up is like chasing the holy grail. I'm trying to attain this thing that I'm not sure what it is really, and I don't even know what I'll do with it when I find it.

Maybe I'll put in a call to Indiana Jones and ask him about that.

Isabel Sanford, Weezie, from "The Jeffersons" died today. Let's just hope she's moving on up.

KA-CHING!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week, don't forget to try the veal, its delicious.

Jeff Zucker, the genious in charge of entertainment over at NBC says that Fox has gone too far with their reality TV programming. He says that Fox is just ripping off NBC reality show ideas. Now, I don't watch any of those garbage shows on either network but I do know that if Jeff Zucker would get off his lazy ass and see what is going on in comedy clubs all over the country he probably wouldn't care what Fox is doing in the first place. How do network executives become charicatures of themselves so easily?

Got some new fish yesterday, marking the 5th full-restocking of the tank. I have high hopes for this bunch, especially the black telescope who looks like his eye is about to explode. I think he'll have just enough of a chip on his shoulder to accomplish some truly great things.

Anyone wanna join me in writing in "Bill Cliton" for President in November?

Keep seeing the same commercial for Will Smith's new movie. "I, Robot". Looks pretty decent but if Jazzy Jeff is in there I'm going to kill someone.

So some special panel says that the government probably assesed the whole weapons of mass destruction thing wrongly. Good to see that we can still get news unrelated to John Kerry and John Edwards' hair.

Got some new video coming up in the next few days. X-Rated, of course.

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up at the end of the month. A couple of my old buddies have chosen not to go, but I checked the records and I am now 12-15 percent cooler than I was in high school so I defintely plan on making it.

The reunion is somehow connected with classmates.com and there is a section for you to post little notes with your RSVP to the reunion. One person, who's name need not be mentioned wrote this..."the majority of the Syosset High School people are assholes."

Sounds like that guy has his life on track, huh?

Drinking coffee as I write this after about a week off from the oh-so powerful caffiene. I feel high as a kite right now.

Though I haven't seen it yet, I've heard that Alf has a new talk show on Nick-at-Nite. I'm glad I've spent 6 years slowly refining and working my craft so that a ficticious alien from the 80's, who already had a sitcom, can now get a talk show. I'm so tempted to move to another planet and do that same shit.

Haven't dont much posting lately, mostly because while things are going well, and im feeling quite funny, I haven't had any specific inspiration to write much. But, I know that the fans demand more, so I will write more, starting today, no matter how uninspired, uncomedic and unworthy of reading. That it my commitment to you. No thanks necessary.

Saw Spiderman 2 this weekend. It made me think that we should just send Spiderman into Iraq instead of troops. I have sent a strongly worded letter to President Bush about just that.

Coach K from Duke is apparently not taking the Lakers up on their 40 million dollar deal and will instead remain head coach of the university. I don't understand why a grown man wouldn't want to babysit a bunch of overpaid, whiny, socially irresponible people. I do it every Monday through Saturday, 2 shows a night.

There is a dead mouse in my kitchen. I can smell it, I know it's there and yet writing this and watching the Yankees-Tigers is taking precedent. What does that say about me?

So apparently they didn't decapitate the latest marine. So, since they are playing more fair, I won't decapitate this cab driver I took hostage yesterday just yet.

The Mets swept the Yanks this past weekend. Good for both Met fans.

Okay that ends my comeback to consitent blog updating. God bless America.

Saw Michael Moore's new movie, Fahrenheit 9/11 yesterday. Before I get into the arguements about the Moore's methods of movie-making I have to say that I really respect Michael Moore and what he is trying to do. The left in America has been pretty much silenced because we are at war and those who do speak up just whine (no offense, Janine Gorafolo).

Basically, Moore claims that the Bush family is so entrehnched in defense spending and big oil companies, they they and the Saudi's, who own 7 percent of America, are profitting hugely from our war machine. He links all kinds of people back and forth from the Bush family to the Saudi's and even to the bin Laden family itself. What I really appreciated was the message that this whole thing isn't about some evil plot to run the world, but it is nothing more than all about money and making those who have the money get more money.

On top of that stuff he manages to show what a basically incompentent fool GWB is, although to be fair, Moore doesn't need much editing for that. The highlight of the movie is probably when Moore carefully examines the 7 mintues that elapses from when Bush heard about the World Trade Center until he actually got up from reading a children's book with some 2nd graders. It was incredible watching Bush just sit there, looking dumbfounded, seemingly waiting for someone to come into the room and tell him what to do.

I've been trying to reevaluate where I sit on the war in Iraq and who I'll vote for in the next election. Even if this movie was left-wing propoganda then the same arguement would lead me to believe that Fox News is right wing propoganda. And that leaves me, like most people, right smack in the middle. So, I guess I'll have to work a little harder to figure out what I really think, and what I really believe, and who I can really support.

Oh, and I'll work on getting funnier, too.

Well, finally all this Reagan stuff has passed over. Last week was just a giant80's reunion, wasn't it? George Bush Sr., Magaret Thatcher, I'm pretty sure I saw Mr. Drummond sitting in the pews.

The one guy I felt bad for during the whole funeral was Gorbachev. I mean there he is sitting there while everyone gets up and talks about how Reagan stood up to evil and faced it down, an obvious reference to the USSR and the Cold War. At one point Gobachev elbowed the guy next to him and whispered, "Do you think they're talking about me?"

So last night I'm walking down the street and I see a green minivan with a ton of smoke coming out of it, but no fire. I get a little closer to look and the windows are tinted but it looks like a guy is inside. The smoke smelled kinda funky so I walked away. Then, because Bush keeps telling us to be vigilant, I decided to call 911 and tell them about the smoking truck with the tinted windows.

There were no major explosions last night so I guess that makes me a real American Hero.

John Kerry still hasn't picked a running-mate but whoever he chooses is basically a lame duck becaue he obviously wanted John McCain. That's why even I didn't accept his offer either.

I'm watching 2001: A Space Odyssey, right now. Truly an incredible movie especially when you consider it came out in 1969. It's almost 30 years later and we still don't have true artificial intelligence. Well, except for John Kerry. He's a robot right?

The news has been dominated by the death of Ronald Reagan for the past couple days. I've decided that my favorite news anchor on cable news is Darrin Kagin on CNN. She's smart and hot. In no particular order, of course. Wolf Blitzer comes in a distant second. He's pandering and ugly.

Larry Bird thinks the NBA needs more white players. Maybe someone should remind him that black people are better at basketball.

White people like sports, we're just not very good at them.

Disney stopped Mirimax from distibuting Michael Moore's new documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11" so it got picked up by Lion's Gate Films instead. Apparently the Disney higher-ups didn't want to release a movie against the war and bashing GWB. Who woulda thought that Mickey Mouse was pro-war? Maybe we should've known when Disney renamed "It's a Small World After All" to "It's an American Colony and We Love Oil".

I beat Megatron in the Transformers Game on PS2 and thought I conquered the whole game only to find out now I have to go defend Cybertron against Unicron. First thought I need to collect at least 30 Minicons and I only have 24. A days work is never done.

Kick-ass shows continue to go on over at the Comedy Company. Don't believe me? C'mon down. And I don't like that attitude.

The part of stand up that anyone other that a comic cannot, or should not ever understand is how the highs and lows of it happen on a nightly basis. This past Friday I had 3 uninspired, very average sets. Then on Saturday I had 2 fully inspired, great sets. My mood followed the sets accordingly. That's something I'm working on, not letting the lows be too low, or the highs be too high. Fortunately there are many more highs, but it's something I'm working on either way.

And now some humor...

John Kerry announced yesterday that he is "very concerned" about a nuclear bomb going off somewhere in the United States. I don't know about a nuclear bomb, but I'm "very concerned" that John Kerry and George Bush are our only choices for President.

Pistons v. Lakers in the NBA Finals. I feel like it's 1989 all over again. Let's see, where was in in 1989? I was 13. Just got Sega Genesis. Spent a lot of time in my room with the door closed. A fine year, I say, a fine year.

I lost my one good pair of shorts. I don't know how I lost them seeing as I only take them off in my room. I wish I took them off other places, but I don't.

I'm still looking for a producer for my one-man show. I've actually have had two offers from people who read the Daily Dave, but one of them wanted to meet in a dark alley to discuss and the other wanted to know what size bra I wear.

32C, just for the record.

My fish tank has been completely decimated by that bastard craw-fish I put in there. He systematically nipped off all the goldfish, one catfish and a pleco. I tried to remove him myself but he snipped his claws at me and then spelled out, "Don't mess with me funnyboy" in the gravel.

My mom keeps telling me to be more like Billy Crystal and less like Lenny Bruce. Only problem is I just don't care about the pre-1985 Yankees that much.

Well, intelligence reports are now saying that al-queda is planning an attack this summer. Of course intelligence also said that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. It's almost like President Bush and intelligence shouldn't be said in the same sentence.

I don't want to just Bush bash on this thing, because there is no way in hell I'll vote for John Kerry. He reminds me of Ben Stein playing the boring teacher in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". "Bueller? Bueller?

I'm now battling Cyclonus in Tranformers on PS2. He's pretty powerful and I've already injured both thumbs trying to beat him. Anyone have any tips?

More great shows this week at the Comedy Company. We're really pushing each other to get better every night. People are picking up on the interactive style of comedy that we're bringing to the table. Now we just have to figure out the next step, whatever that is.

Did you see that block Tayshaun Prince had on Reggie Miller the other day? It's always sad seeing an old player unable to do things like he once could. Much like watching Rodney Dangerfield on The Tonight Show last week.

That was uncalled for, I apologize.

He couldn't remember any "I get no respect" jokes. Just sad.

I'm working on my one-man show but I really need a director. You interested?

John Kerry has flip-flopped once again, this time on his abortion stance. I find Kerry so pandering that I might just have to vote for the retarded man in the White House to remain President for another four years. Not that I have anything against retarded people.

The Nets lost game 7 to the Pistons last night thus ruining my prediction for the NBA Finals. I guess I'll have to turn to the WNBA now.

Ha.

More torture photos being released today according the the Washington Post. You can view all the pictures online at www.hotiraqisoldiersbeingtortured.com, or their sister site, www.americansoldiersgonewild.com

I put a craw fish in my fish tank and he has systematically eaten or mauled vietually every other fish in the tank. I hate him and yet I don't want to break his claws off, as the guy at Petland told me to do. Maybe I'll just eat him. Anyone know a good way to cook craw fish?

Watching Caddyshack 2 right now. Chevy Chase used to be so good. If they really didn't want kids to to drugs they'd show his early career vs. his career now to show what cocain can do to people.

McDonald's launched their Adult Happy Meals today. I don't know who will be buying these things but I don't know one adult who can eat McDonald's and then not end up feeling sick within 2 hours. Also, when they use the word "adult" it makes me think of an adult shop where they sell porn. So unless they are giving away porno movies or small dildo's in the happy meal, I think they should change the name.

I bought the Transformers game on PS2 and it is just confirming that I am now 16 anymore. I can't figure out the damn buttons and everytime I go to transform I end up jumping and everytime i go to jump I end up transforming. This is a real problem.

Chris Rock has dropped by the Comedy Company twice so far. He hasn't performed yet but I'm thinking it'll happen soon so I'll keep ya posted. The shows we've been having, particualrly on the weekends have really been awesome. The comics are focused and pushing themselves and our styles are blending into a great 2 hour show.

That was a public service announcement from the people at the Comedy Co. The thoughts and ideas in that reflection do not necessarily represent the thoughts of the people over here at Rubinville.

The Dick Van Dyke Show Reunion is on this week. Isn't it funny that there was a show with the words dick and dyke in the title?

John Kerry warned his rivals not to attack his wife Teresa Heinz. He said he would stop the supply of ketchup and related condiments to anyone's hometown who says a bad word about her.

Some Nuns in Boston are now under investigation for molesting a bunch of kids over the course of 30 years. That's just great now the Nuns too. Does anyone working for God not molest children? Makes you think God is just a figment of everyone's imagination that religion capitalized on to control and repress our thoughts so that otherwise good people would start doing insanely evil things.

I'm making a temporary switch from iced tea to lemonade for the next few days.

Well folks, after about 2 years I've finally put up some new video on the site. It's just a little 6 minute clip, but quite hilarious if I do say so myself. I taped it with my handheld camera so the video is a little off, but I'm working on getting up some other new video soon. No need to thank me, it's all for you, the fans.

So Major League Baseball is going to put the Spiderman 2 logo on bases of games during a weekend in June. Now there is this out cry against baseball selling-out. Between that and the steroids thing baseball could be in real trouble. Let's just hope Barry Bonds doesn't get bitten by a radioactive spider, then all hell could break loose.

There hasn't been a death in my aquarium in over 5 days. That's a 6 month high.

Okay, nice day out, gotta take my 1:12 pm stroll.

And now, after a slow month of entries, the Daily Dave is back by semi-popular demand.

The big news this week is that some of our soldiers tortured Iraqi prisoners. There are even pictures of Iraqi's having electrodes attached to their genitals with paper bags over their heads. I don't know what is torture about that, it sounds more like a Saturday night in the East Village.

In other news NYC taxi fares have just had a 26 percent hike. Drivers claimed they need the money because of their high cell phone bills.

The Transformers game on Playstation 2 comes out next week. Nothing funny about that, just important information.

If you haven't checked out the shows at the Comedy Co. yet, come on down and get your laugh on. The shows, especially on the weekends, have been totally kick ass, and the quality of comedy and overall atmosphere is really great.

That was very corny.

NBC's hit show "Friends" ends this week. The geniouses at NBC are spinning off the show into "Joey" much like "Frasier" was spun off "Cheers". I'm sorry I put so many words in quotes in that sentence.

The Yankees have no swept 2 series' in a row after losing all those games to the Red Sox. That affects me in no way whatsoever.

Why is it major news when 2 panda's mate? I never get on CNN for mating with a panda.

Wait, that came out wrong.

Well, The Comedy Company is out in full force. We sold out our first 4 shows last weekend, and the comics were quite hilarious if I do say so myself. The weekday shows were lighter in terms of crowd, but as people see what type of quality shows we're putting on I'm sure they'll be packing the seats. I think the idea of putting on only 4 or 5 really quliaty comics instead of the 10-14 average ones as most clubs do, will really help the turn around of comedy that we're currently part of.

And now onto the funny....

I made the mistake of shaking the hand of a homeless man who plays the drums outside the new club. Now, everytime I see him he expects a handshake. So, for like 5 consecutive days I've shook the hand of a homeless man. I'm pretty sure that would qualify me for the Guiness Book of World Records.

They just pumped 28 golf balls from the stomach of a dog in England. I can't believe Britiain lets dogs play golf.

Louisiana is considering banning low cut jeans. I'd like to propose banning Lousianian's from New York.

Nothing too interesting so far in the NBA playoffs. I'm still sticking to my Nets will win the east prediction that I made before the season. Tarun, I'll take that 20 bucks in cash or check.

Hey everyone, sorry about the week long layoff here, but I've been mad busy preparing for the opening of The Comedy Company. Yea, that's right, I said mad busy.

So here is the official info...

COMEDY COMPANY GRAND OPENING WEEKEND
Friday/Saturday April 16th/17th
8:30 and 11pm Shows
Call 212.592.0341 for reservations or e-mail comedycompanynyc@yahoo.com
www.comedycompanynyc.com

After opening weekend, we'll have shows Mon-Sat at 8:30 with 11pm late shows on the weekends.

I'll write some funny stuff tommorrow. I've been inhaling so much paint lately I don't know which way is up.

That has nothing to do with the opening of the room, I just inhale paint.

Joke. Kids, don't inhale paint.

Inahle paint thinner, much more powerful.

Don't you hate it when people tell you their dreams?

Well, here's what I can remember of one of mine from last night.

I was at the doctor's office and he told me I needed glasses even though he didn't do any examination. Next thing I know I am sitting in english class in high school and I feel very smart because I have glasses. Then class ends and when there is nobody left in the room I go into the teachers draw and choose a donut from the many that are in there. I leave the classroom and I'm walking down the hall when I look into the gym and see Phil Jackson coaching 2 kids, probably like 10 years old, in basketball. I go into the gym and there is a big basketball game about to be played and I'm supposed to pick teams but I can only remember one kids name. The game starts but I have to go put down my glasses and my notebook. When I take off my glasses I realize that one eye frame is much bigger than the other. I go to play and it turns out I joined the wrong game. I put the glasses back on and realize that my vision is only blurred when I'm wearing them.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Condoleeza Rice spoke to the 9/11 commission today and claimed there was no "sliver bullet". That's nice, but I thought we were after al Queda, not Dracula. And if we are after Dracula, why not line the borders with garlic?

I'm juicing 100 percent pure grapfruit juice these days. Good stuff.

This is a paraphrase of something that Andrew Tavani wrote me about yesterday. Seinfeld went on the Daily Show to promote his new American Express commercials with Superman. Is that the first time in TV history that a guest was brought on specifically to discuss a commercial? Is Jerry's creative vault so devoid of anything that he can only come up with 20 second commercials? And what happened to Superman that he can't get better work?

The Simpsons have finally announced that they will come out with a movie sometime after the series is over. While I am excited abotu that, I just hope that it is better than the made-for-tv movie of "Growing Pains", in which Maggie Seaver runs for office. That sucked bigtime. And I don't think Boner was even in it.

A shark killed a 57 year old surfer yesterday. Why is that news? If a shark killed a mountaineer, now that would be news.

I've been a lil slower than usual updating Daily Dave lately, so I'm gonna try to make up for it now even though I'm not having any particularly funny thoughts at the moment. Maybe I'll just try typing whatever I'm thinking, I think they call it free association writing or something like that, here we go...

Okay, so I'm writing right now with no real direction or sense of anything. Let's see what's a good thing to talk about without having any point? Hmm, how about religion? Ehh, that's boring. Politics? Boring. The origins of the tophat? That does seem a little interesting to me, but I really don't know anything about it. Hmm, how in the world did the origins of the tophat even pop into my head at that moment? The brain is truly an amazing thing. I wish I had one.

Alright, enough of that. It was getting scary.

I think the main reason that I love stand up is that it consistently pushes and challenges me like nothing else could. I've been feeling really free on stage lately, and letting my mind wander all over the place. Then I sparse in some dick jokes and a set is born.

Great Sopranos this past Sunday. You gotta love Tony setting up Robert Loggia like that. It gave me some ideas to deal with some problems I've been having lately.

I just got a haircut and the girl didn't use scissors, just the clippers. I think that was a first for me. Yea, I'm really pushing my emotional limits these days.

Rocky 4 was on before. I really think that had something to do with the fall of communism. It's just sad that it cost Carl Weathers his life.

Come to think of it are Carl Weathers and Billy Dee Williams the same person?

I met some circus folk at the show the other night. Looks like I might be going back stage at Ringling Bros. at Madison Square Garden tommorrow. Hopefully I won't get into any fights with clowns who think they're funnier than me.

Jay Leno just resigned with NBC to host the Tonight Show through 2009. I'd tell you how many horrific hack jokes that would add up to over the years, but I'm not a rocket scientist.

Melon gatorade is delicious.

The Comedy Company is looking good for our April 16th opening. It is my master plan to both revolutionize the way stand up comedy is done, and turn the entire industry upside down at the same time. Shouldn't be too hard.

Viacam announced that it is going to start a gay TV channel. I guess that channel would then only have sex with the upcoming Showtime gay channel. Or Bravo, which is obviously bi-curious.

So Condoleeza Rice is gonna testify before the 9/11 commission. What would stop her from lying about issues that might get her in trouble? Swearing on the bible? Ha, now thats funny.

A girl won the Powerade slam dunk contest in Illinois. Good for her. That changes my whole theory on not letting women vote.

Lemme get this straight. The intelligence community basically made up this weapons of mass destruction thing, thus us going to war, and now the 9/11 commission is saying all our intelligence was screwed up before then too. Shouldn't someone be fired? I don't really care who, just someone. Fire SOMEONE...ANYONE. Fire a Secretary, a janitor, the lady who waters the plants, just fire someone. Please.

So I'm waiting for the subway yesterday and there is a homeless guy singing, hoping to get some change. He was a pretty bad singer, but damn, he was puttin all his soul into it, so I went into my pocket trying to find some change. As I approached him to put the change in the bag, I was consumed by a horrific stench that was emmitting from him. I backed up, and he looked at me curiously, because clearly I had been moving in to give him some change. I thought about the situation and then decided that even holding my breathe wouldnt be good enough because the stench might burn my eyes. My only option was to get close enough to the bag to toss the change in.

Now, due to a finger injusry sustained playing basketball a few weeks ago, when I lobbed the change towards the bag, some of the coins veered offf to the right a bit. They hit the floor, scattered and I began to walk away. Suddenly, the man yelled out "You cracka-ass muthafucka! You don't wanna come close to me or what, muthafucka!"

I wonder who he was talking to.

In other news, gasoline is at an all-time high. Good thing I stopped drinking it.

Dateline NBC is going to do a 2 hour program on the life of Donald Trump. If I didn't know better, I'd think that NBC News is blatantly cross-promoting to hype something for NBC Entertainment. But I'm sure NBC wouldn't do something like that.

Baseball season is about to begin. I'm predicting the Yankees will trade for the entire Red Sox organization by mid-June.