New York Times reporter Judith Miller has been freed from prison after 12 weeks. I wonder why she's stuck with the name Judith all these years instead of switching to Judy.

Leo Sternbach, who invented valium has died at the age of 97. I'm so upset. I think I need some weed.

That whole Elian Gonzalez fiasco is back in the news because it all went down five years ago. I said it then and I'll say it now, if a little Mexican boy wants to go to Puerto Rico, I say let him go.

Anyone else really impressed about Seth McFarlane being able to do two incredibly funny shows at once? Family Guy and American Dad somehow are both original and edgy, without diluting the other one. This guy has no business being in the business of TV.

Speaking of TV, I'm watching a show on G4, the network all about video games, about the creation of the Madden Football series. John Madden has an absolutely huge head. I mean something isn't right, I think he's got a football somewhere in his cranium.

It's actually chilly out today. I think I'm gonna have to wear underwear, damnit.

I have a huge bucket of change that I'd like to turn into cash but I don't feel like carrying a giant pretzel bucket full of change about 10 blocks to the bank. I might have to do this by pockets full of change over the course of many weeks. Yea, that sounds sensible.

Tony Danza said this morning that his new untucked look came directly down from Disney CEO Michael Eisner. I'm not sure if he was kidding or not, but even the concept itself is just scary.

Eisner let's me do whatever I want, as long as I select the shirt from what the Disney people send to me.

Okay, that's all folks!

If Eisner knew I ended the Daily Dave with that he'd be so pissed, please keep it between us. Thanks.

This is the controller for Nintendo's next-generation system, the Revolution. I have a bad feeling that I'm going to end up hanging myself by that cord after about 20 hours of being unable to get Mario to jump over a green pipe with a man-eating plant in it.

Damn human progress.

The catch-22 of of being a stand up comedian while also doing a journal is how the approval I get from each is so different. In stand up, I get immediate gratification, right there on the spot. When things are going well, there is an amazing, sudden and constant rush, better than anything else I've ever experienced. In a journal, or whatever this is, I just put something out there, feel okay about it, and then maybe get a couple comments on it. Yet, because I'm so trained to want that approval, the comments become irrationally important to me. So I've gotta get over the need for approval. That means no more free Starbucks Gift Cards for you guys. Sorry, it's just better for my mental health this way.

I mention this because 262 unique users came to The Daily Dave yesterday, and only three commented. But, as the tag line up above says, "I write it, you read it." So I'm going to just focus on that for now on.

New York Magazine has listed their "Top 10 Funniest People You've Never Heard Of". I've been doing stand up for 7 years and I've only heard of three of them, and actually met only two of them. I really think they might've made up the other people.

My top ten you've never heard of include, in no order: Bob Jeurgens, Meghan Hanley, Mike Singer, Brian Baumley, EDP, Don Weir and Erik Braunstien. We're creating an underground network of super-funny people that will operate below the mainstream radar until our collective sense of humor is ready to rise above the muck . Is there really any other way to do it?

John Roberts is being confirmed as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court as I write this. C-Span's rating just doubled to 12 people.

A bunch of flight attendants are upset over the way they are portrayed in the movie "Flightplan." In a related story, various alien groups are upset about the way they've always been portrayed in movies, with "Cocoon" being the only exception.

Anyone else noticed how Sportscenter has basically morphed into an unwatchable mess of talking-heads who scream about points they don't even believe? It's like sitting at the Thanksgiving table with my family.

Ah, I liked that one.

Tom Delay got busted for doing something shady that nobody really cares about. I'd write more about it but that would lessen the value of the previous sentence.

My computer smells a little like popcorn if I leave it on for too long.

I'm gonna go butter the keyboard, see ya later...

NASA astronomers have discovered a "big baby" galaxy using two of NASA's most powerful telescopes. In case you didn't know, there are literally billions and billions of galaxies in the universe and each one has counteless amounts of planets, some very much like Earth. Thus, we are not the only intelligent civilization out there. As a matter of fact, we're one of the only unintelligent ones out there.

That's a sort of call back to something I wrote yesterday. It marks the first time I've ever called something back from a previous post. Just when you thought you'd seen it all.

Martha Stewart is wearing a red wig today and has an entire crowd of natural redheads. Has there been anything creepier, ever, in the history of the world?

The number of millionaires in the United States has hit an all-time high with over 700,000 of those prick bastards.

If you wanna see an painfully horrific TV show I'd recommend "Too Late with Adam Corrola." I mention this only because he is one of those guys that despite the amount of untapped, talented people that are out there, keeps getting more and more chances and drops the ball every single time.

I've got good hands, I could do such magic with the ball. I'd be like a one man Globetrotters.

Sudden drop in the comments section after we finally got to a whopping average of five per posting. I should be offering more prizes. Umm, okay, the next ten people to comment get a free Starbucks gift card.

The card won't have any money on it, but nobody else will know that which means you'll be able to show it off to your friends and be like, "Look, I have a $5,000 Starbucks gift card, how cool am I?"

Whoa! If I click an ad on the Drudge Report I'll win a free iPod Nano! There can't be a catch to that!

People are talking about "Caveman-like" conditions in Texas. Does that include wisecracking teradactyles that wash the dishes?

Yesterday on Dr. Phil they were talking about "The Choking Game" where kids choke each other to get high. Hmm, I wonder if that works if you do it to yourself...

It's too nice to be inside today, so instead of a well thought-out post, it's time for the Top Ten Google Search Phrases that people use to come here to the Daily Dave...

1. Horse Vagina
2. Daryn Kagan
3. Dave Rubin
4. Kyra Phillips
5. Female Horse Vagina
6. Hot Newscasters
7. David Rubin
8. Felecia Rashaad
9. Shepard Smith Toupee
10. Deap Throat

Quite the list, huh? Once again, horse vagina dominates but it's good to see Kyra And Daryn moving up the ladder. I have no recollection of what I wrote about Felecia Rashaad, but I'm guessing it had something to do with how pissed Ahmad Rashaad must've been when Bill Cosby selected Felcia to be his wife again on his sitcom after The Cosby Show.

Note the use of italics. I will no longer reference it.

I also don't remember writing anything specific about Shepard Smith having a toupee, but if he does, it's a lot less obvious than Dan Abrams' one.

It's hard to write something in plural that ends with the letter "S". Like when Homer Simpson tries to say, "The Flandereseses."

The Supreme Court is going to hear Anna Nicole Smith's case involving the estate of that old lunatic that she married so she could get his 500 million bucks. That really seems to be a case worthy of the highest court in the land. Maybe the Supreme Court should also handle the case I have pending against my friend Jason from 7th grade. He tricked me into giving him Sonic the Hedgehog on Sega Genesis for what he claimed was a porn tape, but it turned out to be his Bar Mitzvah video. You don't get over that kind of stuff.

Alright, Central Park calls. Or is that the chinese delivery guy? Lemme check...

Hot damn, the pic loaded. Now let's see if I can get through this post without it wandering off into the vast, unchartered waters of cyberspace.

Rumors continue to swirl that Warren Beaty is going to run against Arnold for governor of California. I'm pretty sure that's a sign of the apocolypse, but I'll double check that.

If they do run against each other it just signals the slippery slope that is celebrities becoming politicians. I predict that "Drake and Josh" from Nickelodeon will be president sometime in the 2020's.

Yup, that's right, they'll be the first ever presidential team. Raven Simone will be their Secretary of Defense.

Could Wolf Blitzer speak with less emotion in his voice? And speaking of Wolf, I think him and Jack Cafferty are up to something strange in that Situation Room.

Adam Vinatiari's last second field goal helped the Patrios beat the Steelers last night. You can copy and paste that sentence into the Daily Dave after they play in the AFC Championship in a couple months.

Is it the AFC Championship or the NFC Championship? I can't remember and dont' feel like checking ESPN.com.

Shouldn't Intelligence Design really be called Unintelligent Design?

I think I'm gonna start using italics more.

The Cobra Commander interview has been cleaned up and retouched, so if you want to listen again, or check it out for the first time, click on Podcast 5, to the left. Thanks to Brian Baumley of the infamous BrianBaumley.com for the editing skills.

I keep seeing bits and pieces of I, Robot and yet never catch enough to really understand it. It's basically Independence Day crossed with Fresh Prince of Bel Air, right?

Nice use of italics, right?

Apparently, we've lost some Dolphins in the Gulf of Mexico that had poison tipped darts on their heads to stop terrorists from infiltrating America from the sea. Let's just pray we don't lose the llama's with the poison spit who guard our border with Canada.

Believe it or not, the Dolphin thing is true. The llama thing is just half-true, they're actually emu's but most people think emu's are llamma's anyway, so I just went with that.

Comedy. It's all in the most relevant names of animals.

First, I couldn't get the picture to load and then my entire post from this morning just vanished into thin air. I'm seriously pissed right now and I don't want you to have to read me when I'm pissed so I'm going to go running and then I'll re-write what I wrote.

Damn you Al Gore for inventing the internet!

Tyra Banks proved, on-air, that her breasts are real. That being said, I should come clean about something...

My testicles are made of silly putty.

Moving along, I'm watching President Bush on CNN talk about some political mumbo jumbo. His forehead is getting so wrinkled it's ridiculous. I wonder if it's form the pressure of being the president or just his constant sate of confusion.

Cheney is standing behind Bush. I think he is missing a muscle in his neck because his head is always slightly down and to the right. Ironcially, that's the same position as his political vision.

The FBI revealed top-secret info on celebrities they had back in the 60's. In one report they claimed that John Lennon was too stoned to be a threat to the country. That's so weird, I did some of my best work for the Communists when I was in college.

The Yankees finally have made it all the way to first place. Aaron Small, the journey-man pitcher, is now 9-0. Boy, Small sure is coming up big.

HA! Get it? Small coming up BIG? I'm the first person ever to think of that!

The Mayor of Galveston, Lyda Ann Thomas, looks a lot like former Texas Governor, Ann Richards, just without all the makeup.

Couldn't sleep last night so I was watching TV at around 2 a.m. Caught a repeat of the Tonight Show and by Leno's second monologue joke I was out cold.

Forget Ambien, try Leno.*

*Side effects include stomach ache, nausea, headache and vomiting.**

**This is the second posting in a row I used an asterisk.

In what will surely be the first of many big interviews, I was able to talk to the father of modern terrorism, Cobra Commander, on the phone yesterday. The four-minute interview, which is his first in over 10 years, offers great insight into both the man himself, as well as the future of the Cobra organization. Click on "Podcast 5" on the left to listen in.*

*Listener discretion is advised.

Hurricane Rita is on the way. Judging by this picture it seems to have some sort of electro-mangentic field around it, which I assume means that it will take over all machines and turn them against us. Please folks, for your own sake unplug all microwaves and vibrators.

Obviously, that's only applicable if you have an old-school, plug-in vibrator.

Now there's a sentence that's never been said before.

Speaking of electronic equipment turning on us, my wireless internet has gone down and now I'm wired like some sucker in 2002. Normally I write this while taking a dump, but today I'm sitting on the couch because the wire won't make it to the bathroom.

Is that true? Does he really write this while on the toilet? If so, where does he put the laptop while wiping?

Some questions are better left unanswered.

Something ain't right today, I'm writing about is vibrators and taking a dump.

Okay, let's clean this up. Oh, I got a new cell phone today, the Motorola Black Razr.

(Insert "Back in Black" by AC/DC here.)

I got quite a deal on the phone so if you need one just ask me. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a girl who knows a guy who knows a midget who knows a fairy who knows a sorcerer who knows a cyclops who knows a guy who gets phones for wholesale.

Jennifer Aniston told Oprah that she's ready to date again. I'd have a one night stand with her, but I honestly don't know if I could date an actress. They're so needy.

Dave, you're a comedian and you're gonna call actresses needy, isn't that hypocritical? Actually no, no it's not. Comedians are wanty, not needy. There's a difference.

I was going to post a picture of the Emmy here, but after "Lost" beat "Six Feet Under" for best drama, I don't think that even a picture of it deserves to make it to The Daily Dave.

Don't worry that's it for Emmy talk. Just insert your own Star Jones joke.

The number of hits here continue to go up, so I was wondering if you could tell one other person about this site today. Then more people will check in and soon enough I'll run the world. Once I run the world, I'll have everyone who has told someone about the site moved to a secret tropical island where they will be treated like God's. That's a promise.

Anyone know how to get a show on satellite radio? I don't actually need my own satellite, do I?

Everytime I see the older Bush and Clinton together it reminds me of that great Halloween episode of The Simpsons when Kang and Kronos become imposters of Clinton and Dole. Kang says the classic line of the show when approached by a Democratic aid wondering why Clinton and Dole are holding hands in public...

"If you can think of a better way to exchange long protein strands, I'd like to hear it!"

Yes, I know that's Dole and Clinton, not Bush and Clinton, but it just reminds me of that. Watcha gonna do about it?

Okay, that's it for now. This wasn't a particularly inspired posting, but I watched the Emmy's last night which is the great inspiration suck-off.

And no, I'm not talking about the good kind of suck-off.

It was with great joy and happiness that when i woke up this morning that I came across "GI Joe: Sigma 6" on Fox 5. I saw the title of the show as it was on a commercial and I anxiously awaited what I would see.

Then it happened once again.

Japanimation.

They did it with at least two remakes of the Transformers, and now they have done it with GI Joe. Yes, maybe Saturday morning cartoons aren't geared for 29 year old's, but is there anyone out there that appreciates American cartoons becoming Japanified? I don't think so. And let me say this isn't anti-Japan in any way. I love Japan. They've brought us Nintendo, Playstation and ninja's. I just can't stand the way they animate their cartoons.

The quick chops, the dialogue that doesn't correspond to the mouths of who's speaking, the slow walking, ugh, it just makes it all unwatachable. It's too late to stop it now, though. We had a chance years ago when Pokemon was huge, but now a monster has been unleashed, and the Ritalin-raised kids clearly are seeing something the rest of us are not.

Alas, I watched, despite the confusion and the epileptic fit that I kept jumping in and out of. The story had something to do with an evil computer virus and a robotic dog. Beyond that, I don't know what the hell was going on. Cobra Commander was much bigger and angrier in this version, as oppossed to the bitter, gay queen he was in the original.

Maybe I'll watch it again if I so happen to come across it, but it's more likely that I'll watch the GI Joe Movie whenever I'm having a craving for America's daring, highly-trained special mission force.

Yea, the spores of Cobra-La turned Cobra Commander into a talking snake in the movie, but it made a whole hell-of-a-lot more sense than anything I saw today.

I mention this now because I'm headed to an engagement party this afternoon and I'm pretty sure I'd get kicked out of I brought any of this up.

Well, unless it was the engagement party of Destro and the Baroness, but this one is for Mike and Sara, and I don't think they have anything directly to do with Cobra.

Here's a list of washed-up celebrities who will be starring in reality shows this fall...

Mr. T, Gene Simmons, Tommy Lee, Fred Willard, Todd Bridges, Danny Bonaduce, Christ Knight, John O'Hurley, Kelly Monaco, Farrah Fawcett, William Shatner, Barry Williams, Adam West, Dave Coulier, tom Arnold, Bruce Jenner, Deborah Gibson and Kathy Griffin.

There are probably many more, but my ability to research for this list is making my blood pressure go dangerously high.

I'd like to note that I'll cut Fred Willard some slack because he has been in many very funny movies such as Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show and A Mighty Wind. This is obviously a case where his manager made him sign something without reading it first.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I was always a fan of Hollywood Squares and fully enjoyed seeing washed-up celebrties attempt to read pre-written jokes. However, seeing these people coming back time after time while at the same time knowing how many talented newcomers can't even get started is beginning to drive me crazy.

Okay, you're right, it drove me crazy a long time ago. Touche.

Once again I propose to the father of reality TV, Mark Burnett, to do a reality show where comedians have to hunt down network executives and bring back their decapitated heads. Whoever gets the most heads by the time the mid-season replacements start, wins 1 million dollars.

I'd have a slight advantage on the show because I already have three head's of network execs on my mantle, but they look so good there that I'd promise not to use them for the show.

Okay, gotta go shine the heads.

You probably have seen this already, but if not, it is an actual note, written by President Bush telling Condoleezza Rice that he has to go to the bathroom. Upon closer inspection it seems more like he is asking her if he can go. And if you read it closer it appears as if he is asking her if he really has to go in the first place.

I can take a fraudulent election. I can accept a made-up war. I can deal with natural-disaster mismanagement. But one thing I can't deal with is the leader of the free-world not being completely sure if he has to go to the bathroom and then having to pass a note to someone to ask if he can go at all.

This is so obviously indicative of how this administration works that it reeks of whatever it is he was going to do in the bathroom. "I think I may need a bathroom break" is something that a child in potty training should say to his mother, not something the President should say to the Secretary of State.

Now you'll have to excuse me, I think I kind of, sort of, maybe, might have to pee.

Apologies for the late posting. I was doing something involving some stuff and various things. Yes, in that order.

While doing the stuff and things I got yelled at by a crazy woman for something that had nothing to do with me. The details are long and unimportant, but I learned that it's a great feeling when there is stupid crap going on around you and you simply don't care about it. She was in my face yelling, spitting and swinging her arms and I just kept looking at her, not saying a word, until she tuckered herself out. Incidentally, that's also my secret way of dealing with hecklers.

So you may recognized the picture above as some of the villians from the Legion of Doom, who were the arch-enemies of the Superfriends. I used that picture because the UN World Summit is coming to NYC this week and I think that the Legion of Doom is now running the show over at the United Nations. Basically, the UN is now run by the Arab countries who keep everyone hostage with oil, surpress their own people and then blame us for their problems. That's the same way Lex Luthor would manipulate the other members of the Legion of Doom to do his bidding, instead of really dealing internally with his unbalanced cadre of misfits.

Is any of this making sense? Maybe Country/Character Legend will help out...

America = Superman
England = Batman
France = Aquaman
Canada = Robin
Iran = Lex Luthor
Syria = Captain Cold
Saudi Arabia = Sinestro
Egypt = Solomon Grundy

When you read about the happenings at the UN this week just think of the countries as those characters and I promise that international relations will make a lot more sense to you.

Well, either that or the world of DC Comics will make much less sense.

Maybe I should've made France the Green Lantern instead of Aquaman.

No, the Green Lantern is more Ireland. He was a drunk, you know.

Went to see "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" on Friday night. Decent movie, though most of it played out in a courtroom so it could've just as easily been called "Law and Order: Demonic Freaks Unit". Then on Saturday night I caught the original Exorcist on Cinemax which is unquestionably far, far better. Emily Rose never even spit green stuff. An exorcism without green stuff is like a jar at the barber without the blue stuff.

Damn, that was a heck of a stetch, but I think we got there.

I just read that Steve Martin is making "Cheaper by the Dozen 2."

Holy motherfucking fucking shit fuck what in the fuck shit motherfucker shit fuck shit.

Okay, I'm better now.

Well not really, but I gotta keep going.

Mark Messier, hockey legend, is retiring. Nobody cares when hockey is being played, why would we care when people retire from it?

Quick reminder to click the ads to the right. X-Men Legends 2 is coming out on PS2 next week and your clicks can help me save the world.

The other night while watching the Mets-Cardinals with my roomate I admitted something that I've never told another person. I don't really know what "pitching from the stretch" means. He laughed, paused, and then admitted he didn't know either.

Then we both cried. It was beautiful, really.

I'm a little late on the post, but let's just blame it on FEMA Director Michael Brown.

The answer to the two Disney Afternoon shows that I know the theme songs to are Ducktales and Gummybears. Tailspin was a good guess Sherman, but so, so wrong.

Have a good weekend everyone.

President Bush today announced Karen Hughes as the Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs. Basically, she has to go all over the world and explain to other people why America acts the way it does. Instead of giving big speeches trying to explain our foriegn policy I think she should just focus on specific keywords...

"Freedom, oil, Saddam Hussein, oil, al-Queda, 9-11, oil, Halliburton, evil-doers, oil, oil, oil, 9-11, oil, freedom, oil, these folks, oil, 9-11."

Then she should just throw a smoke bomb and disappear.

Just saw a commercial for Anthony Weiner, who is hoping to be the Democratic candidate to lose to Mayor Bloomberg. The commercial ended with his logo, which has his name, "Weiner", above the word "Mayor." Then the "N" in Weiner flashes at the same time as the "Y" in Mayor, thus showing us he's running in New York. That's one clever weiner.

A few weeks ago I mentioned the rather large necklace that CNN anchor Daryn Kagin was wearing. Since then she has only worn thin, barely visable necklaces. It took me 29 years, but I've finally affected something.

Haven't been on stage in awhile now, but starting to really feel the juices flow. As a matter of fact, there's some juice trickling down my leg right now. I should probably see a doctor about that.

Kanye West, who said that, "President Bush doesn't like black people", was loudly booed during the NFL Kickoff Show last night. Interestingly, the Rolling Stones, who also have had some choice words for the President were not booed. That signals one of two things, either the NFL has some racist fans, or the fans know that the Rolling Stones are too old be able to hear the differences between cheers and boos.

Barbara Walters is going to learn how to dance on the View today. That's fun.

I'll put up the answer to yesterday's Disney Afternoon triva question later today, let's say around 4 pm eastern time. That gives you all a couple hours to think and ponder and pray.

As the picture says, the '05 NFL season begins tonight with the Raiders at the Patriots. I played Madden Football with my 12 year old cousin with these same teams last night and if our outcome is prophetic, the Patriots will win 72-3.

No, I wasn't the Patriots. My fingers just aren't as fast as they used to be.

So I said I'd be back yesterday and then I didn't end up coming back. That's like writing a sentence without...

Worked for Martha Stewart again today. That woman can do more with colored paper than even Mrs. Anderson, my elementary school art teacher. I don't say that lightly, believe you me.

One of the lead stories on CNN.com is, "Hunter S. Thompson note reveals despair." Whoa, a guy who blew his brains out was in despair, I find that hard to believe.

iPod Nano came out today which is super-thin and is meant to replace the iPod Mini. Anyone else think that Apple should let you trade in your old iPod for a new once since they come out with a fancier model every three months?

Maybe I should get an iPod before I start the campaigning for that.

Screw that, me and my Dell Mini are good to go. Lonely, but good to go.

Where the hell am I going to find 1,000 songs anyway? I know about 10 songs off hand, and two of them are theme songs from The Disney Afternoon.

Some sort of prize for the first person to guess which two shows I'm talking about.*

*Prize will be in the form of the personal worth you'll get knowing that you guessed my two favorite Disney Afternoon shows.

Hit the gym. Did some writing. Now I'm gonna stroll through the Upper West Side.

Wait, Dave, you write other things than the Daily Dave? How much more can there be?

Oh, there's much, much more.

I'll be back in an hour after I find it.

Nothing quite like the beaches of Hawaii.

Except the beaches of Long Island, which is where I was yesterday. Spent the whole day chilling out, relaxing, and getting ready for the first day of school.

When I showed up as PS 120 this morning they told me that my parents never even signed me up, so now I'm back to my regular life. Going back to school would've been a true learning experience. Just ask Thornton Melon.

So you may have noticed that my "controversial" posting from last week has been removed. I wrote that posting on day two of Katrina, before the devastation and human loss was really known to us. So, at the time, what I was writing seemed worth talking about. However, in light of the utter chaos and overall disaster since then, I felt that keeping the post up doesn't do justice to the people who lost their lives. However, I do want to thank all the people who put comments up about what I wrote, you all made very good points, and maybe I'll re-post the piece in the future when it seems more appropriate.

Anyone else think that Bush had Rehnquist killed to get some of the the heat off him for the slow support time in the Gulf Coast? Timing is everything.

Holy Jesus, Tony Danza has the whole cast of "Who's the Boss" on right now! Dreams do come true!

Just switched from sugar in my coffee to Equal. I'm hearing good things about Splenda though, so we'll see how it all shakes out.

Jerry Rice retired yesterday, holding 38 NFL records. I hold one NFL record, which is that I'm the only 29 year-old New Yorker to never go to an NFL game.

Barry Bonds might return today. He is a cheater at our National Pastime.

Judith Light has yet to mention anything about her skin problems while on the set of "Who's the Boss". Tony clearly isn't asking deep enough questions.

Contrary to popular belief, the silhouette in the NBA logo is actually me, not Jerry West.

I'm going to be playing basketball today for the first time since my Urban Pro team won the championship back in June. I wonder how the long layoff will affect my game. Will the skills still be there? Will the 3 point shot still have the beautiful arc? Will the finger-roll be as fingery?

All questions will be answered, today, 1 pm eastern time, 4 pm pacific.

If you can't make it to the game it will be replayed on ESPN2 all-weekend.