I don't do this often (or ever), but I'd like to dedicate this post to my friend Ari, who helped out an old friend last night.

Ari, who is a doctor, got a call from me at about 1 a.m. desperately seeking his council. See, after a night of drinking I had heartburn that felt like a ball of fire was gonna burst through my chest. Well, that, or that an alien was about to make a guest appearance through my rib-cage. Even though he was on his nightly rounds, he took my call, asked me a couple questions, and told me what to buy at the drugstore. A bottle of Pepto Bismol and a couple Prilosec's later, the fire had been quelched into a small, controlled flame.

It made me think how nice it would be to have a skill that someone would need to call on at anytime. Yea, making people laugh is nice, but I don't think anyone has ever called a comedian at 1 in the morning in need of hearing an emergency joke. It'd be nice to be able to help someone like that. Maybe I should see if I can get an internship at that hospital that Patch Adams founded. What's it called, The Ha-Ha Institute? No, that's not it, I think that's a comedy club in Witchita, Kansas.

Anyway, thanks pal. Now if you could just give me some advice about my abnormally large penis...

I'm going to hunt down the NBC peacock and eat it for Thanksgiving dinner this year.

(I just deleted a four paragraph essay on why Last Comic Standing is horrific television but I'll leave you with the last line...)

And yes, I know that you don't eat peacock on Thanksgiving, but that's just how unrealistic this show is.

Life is an interesting thing.

I'm sad to report that Mrs. Pennyfeather passed away over the holiday weekend. Fittingly, she died on Memorial Day itself after living a life that was dedicated to fighting for the rights of goldfish all over the world. She passed before her time, and she will be missed.

The same day that Mrs. Pennyfeather died, the pigeon that was hatched and has since been living on my air-conditioner, flew away. For weeks I've been watching it grow and then suddenly without even saying goodbye, he fled from the comfortable confines of my A/C unit. It's really his loss though because I was gonna serve him Mrs. Pennyfeather with a side of couscous as a goodbye meal.

Come to think of it I don't know if pigeons even like couscous, so maybe the whole thing was in poor taste anyway.

The weekend was otherwise very good. Lotsa sun in Central park, some good comedy and a couple alcoholic beverages. Today, I'm back to my normal routine of darkness, poor comedy and non-alcoholic beer.

I just read that DC Comics is bringing back Batwoman for the first time since 1979. She'll make her return as a "lipstick lesbian." You know, it's nice of them to throw the community a bone, but frankly I think that crime-fighting lesbians have gone far too long without a proper role-model.

Time to go, but something hilarious happened to me at the Cingular store the other day and I think it's worthy of an audioblog. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't forget...

Believe it or not, that's Sideshow Bob, err, Kelsey Grammer, as Beast in X-Men III. I won't give away any plot-points here, but not to worry, Niles got killed in the first scene.

Overall, the movie was pretty solid. The story about the evils of government versus a select few good guys is something that always gets to me, and if they had been wire-taping the X-Men's phone lines the movie would've been basically a work of non-fiction. All the action sequences were special-effectalicious and there were even several mutant deaths, which was an unexpected and pleasantly dark surprise.

After the movie I began to think about what my mutant power would be if I had one, and I came to the conclusion that I'd like to be able to make people laugh until their head's explode. One time a woman did explode when I was on stage during a road gig, but I later found out that it was because she drank coke and ate Pop Rocks during my set.

In medical news, Mrs. Pennyfeather, my new goldfish, seems to be a little wobbly on her fins (that's fish medical-talk), so I've quarantined her in a small bowl and fresh water. Now all we can do is pray.

That's it for me, have a good three-day weekend you crazy party people...

Going to see X-Men III tonight at midnight. It's the third midnight showing of a movie that I'll have seen in my life, the other two being Star Wars Episodes II and III. Seeing as I'll turn 30 next month this is most likely the last time I'll be able to see a movie at midnight without being publicly ridiculed, so I plan making the most of it. While I doubt this will be as intense as the seeing the light-saber wielding fanatics at the Star Wars premieres, I'm at least hoping for a Nightcrawler look-a-like.

It should be noted that I never collected X-Men comic books during my two-year comic book run. I went strictly with Spider-Man, Bat-Man and GI Joe. I know many of you will find it hard to believe that The Transformers didn't make the cut, and I really don't remember the back-story on that. It couldn't have been a just a simple oversight, there had to have been a reason, I just don't remember. Lemme think about that and get back to you.

Alright, I gotta go, it takes almost two hours to get into my Colossus outfit...

Went into my dentist's office today and had a rather surreal moment. There, hanging with various other celebrities and personalities was a picture of yours truly. Yea, I had brought it in myself, it's not like he got it on Ebay, but it's still something. Not only was I on the wall, but I had prime spacing, right at eye level. I'd tell you some of the other famous names on the wall but I don't know if there is some kind of confidentiality thing I'd be breaking if I did that.

Anyway, it's the first time that I've had my picture hung anywhere besides a comedy club in the middle of nowhere, so it was kinda nice. Now I have to work on getting a picture hung up at the bodega downstairs or even my parents house.

Let's see what else? I just read that Taylor Hicks won American Idol. I suppose that's nice and all, but I didn't see his picture hanging up in my dentist's office. Score one for the comedian.

Tony Danza's last show is on Friday. I only catch a minute or two of the show once or twice a week but there is something about the guy that I really like. It's just sad that an 80's icon like Tony can't cut it in the daytime TV ratings. I mean, if someone like him can't hack it, how is Jeremy Miller gonna do it?

Think...

Think...

Think...

Okay, Okay, I won't make you Google it, Jeremey was Ben Seaver in Growing Pains.

Come to think of it, I didn't see his picture on my dentist's wall either. I really don't give myself enough credit...

Well, I've never been so offended.

I'm gonna be rampaging through various European cities with a bunch of friends to show my anger, anyone wanna come with?

Did some landscaping in Jersey this weekend. There's really nothing that'll make you feel like you're in Goodfella's more than digging a ditch in the Jersey suburbs. By the time we dug up the third body we just stopped removing them.

You might've noticed my lack of post yesterday. That was an intential non-post due to the fact that it's almost the summer, and during the summer I won't be posting every 7th Monday starting yesterday. That's unless I lose count, which will undoubtably happen by the end of the week.

From CNN.com's top stories today, "Dog fed beer, doughnuts too fat to walk." Good work Anderson Cooper.

Anyone planning on seeing Al Gore's movie about global warming? When ask if he'll see it President Bush said, "Doubt it." Ironically, that was the same answer he gave when asked if abortion will still be legal by the time his term is over.

I could've went several ways with that, but I haven't had a good anti-abortion joke in awhile.

Saw Finding Nemo for the first time over the weekend. Great flick. And to think it's based on a true story. Simply amazing.

That's it for now, I think I'll check in with an Audioblog from Central Park later this afternoon. Sit tight, my people...

This is the 10 minute trailer to The Anti Show, which I co-created all the way back in year 2000. We taped the show secretly at NBC studios in New York City and aired it on the Manhattan Neighborhood Network for over a year. All seven episodes were shot in front of a live studio audience and looking back it was realy an amazing time in my life/career. Our motto was to make good comedy while never spending more than 80 bucks on an episode, something we very proudly accomplished.

We did many things on the Anti Show that were ahead of their time, things that I now see on TV everyday. That fact once led my friend Mike to tell me, "Dave, you're so ahead of the time that you're actually behind it."

Anyway, if you have a blog or website please feel free to share this video and maybe I can somehow end up behind the back the curve, which, if I know anything about logic, would put me firmly ahead of of it.

It was that very kind of revolutionary thinking that we put into each and every episode. Enjoy...

Randomly got a new goldfish today. Well, I guess not really randomly, I mean I did go into the store and purchase it, it's not like I found it in my coffee, but it was an impromptu purchase. There's nothing like a goldfish addition to liven up a day.

Interestingly, when I wrote that sentence, I originally wrote "addiction" instead of "addition." Hmm, I wonder if that was some kind of Freudian Slip. Am I addicted to golfish? Would that even be a real problem? Ehh, it could be so much worse.

Since you're dying to know, I'll tell you that I named the fish "Mrs. Pennyfeather." Anyone know where I got that?

No, I don't know that Mrs. Pennyfeather is even a female, but I don't even know that my other fish, Fritz, is a actually a male, so it only seemed fair to screw up both of them.

I guess they can switch names if they so choose, but that's a personal choice for a fish to make in the privacy of their own bowl. That bowl, by the way, is filled with 100% pure Poland Spring water. I don't screw around when it comes to oxygenating my pets.

Okay, gotta go, Mrs. Pennyfeather just made us some tea...

Enjoy this picture of Cliff Robinson, shown here not smoking weed. This will be the last mention he gets here on The Daily Dave.

Following Cliff's suspension by the NBA last week, the Nets abruptly lost three games in a row and got booted from the NBA playoffs last night. I watched probably 70 of the Nets games this season and really believed that the team could make a run for the championship. While I can't say for sure that Cliff being there would've guaranteed that the Nets would've advanced further, his absence was a huge hole for the team.

I know that athletes shouldn't be role models, and that we all do stupid stuff, but this one hurt me personally. The guy, who I wrote about just a month ago, screwed his team, the fans and himself. To me though, he was the last remaining athlete from my childhood, who then in my adulthood became the guy who got suspended for drug use during the playoff run of my favorite team. There's some irony in there somewhere.

The point here is, of course, that you shouldn't do drugs if your job drug tests and other people depend on you.

However, if you are a comedian, and only your goldfish depend on you, well, do what ya gotta do...

Saw this linked over at joegrossberg.com. It's the closing six minutes of the finale of Six Feet Under. Absolutely GREAT television. And you know I don't use caps unless it's really to drive home a point.

Gonna hit the gym and then I'll be back with a full post. I tried to go to the gym yesterday and there was a bomb scare so I left. You know al-Queda is really getting desperate if they've been reduced to trying to keep me away from the treadmill...

Oh, how I love that confused, quirky, little man.

I actually didn't see GWB's big immigration speech last night, so I won't comment on the specifics, but I did notice something interesting before the speech. While flipping through the cable guide, I noticed that all the channels carrying the speech said, "Presidential Address" as the title, and as the description only, "President George W. Bush."

That's in stark contrast to normal show descriptions, where they say for example, "Will and Grace: Jack uses Grace to defeat a rival for a spot in a gay men's chorus." Or, "American Idol: Three finalists perform three songs." Or even, "Spongebob Squarepants: Krabs v. Plankton; Lost Matress."

It was all making me think why didn't the networks have the balls to give a little description of George's speech? God knows they have enough writers doing nothing. So, in the interest of the common good, I offer up a few descriptions that could've been used for Bush's speech last night...

"George W. Bush tries to read off of the teleprompter without screwing up."

"President Bush discusses immigration in hopes we'll forget about the war."

"GWB sits in oval office pretending to work."

"Son-of-ex-President, soon to be ex-President."

"And you thought Clinton was bad."

"George v. Common Sense."

"The world's highest functioning retard."

Yes, I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. Now you'll have to excuse me, I'm gonna try to find the speech online somewhere. I'm truly a glutton for incompetency...

Was struggling all day to come up with something good to write and then I just read that NBC announced it's fall lineup. Most of it sounds like crap, but at least "Joey" officially got cancelled, so there is a silver lining.

NBC is actually doing two different shows about the backstage happenings of comedy shows. Please feel free to quote me when I say that one will suck and the other will blow. Both in the bad way, of course.

Actually, one of them it written by Aaron Sorkin, who once got arrested for trying to bring mushrooms on a plane, so I'll give that one a small chance of being decent on account of psychedelics.

Big Bush speech tonight. Everyone is saying he's going to secure the borders. I wonder if we can get him and Cheney on the other side of the border before the troop deployment.

(That joke will be on Leno tonight in some more hacky form.)

Okay, that's it for today, I'm off to a "Joey Got Cancelled" party...

Cliff Robinson, about whom I recently devoted a whole post singing his praises, has just been suspended by the NBA for violating the league drug policy. I knew that I shouldn't have mailed him that congratulatory joint...

While I've long-feared the new Nintendo Wii controller, this video might just cause me to buy my first Nintendo system since 1986. Click play and start stretching your wrists...

(You might need to download ActiveX to view.)

In the list of CNN.com's lead stories today, it asks, "Has Ashley Simpson has a nose job?"

Let me speak for all of America when I say, "Go fuck yourself CNN."

Audioblog later...

This is Neo, otherwise known as Mr. Anderson, when he isn't busy doing things that none of us really understand but that look very cool.

So yesterday, I was at the Post Office waiting in line to mail a package. I was about 10th in line, and the line itself was moving very slowly because there were only two windows open. After a few minutes one of the ticket windows abruptly closed and the grumblings quickly began. The woman behind me muttered to herself about the ridiculousness of having one line open, but clearly she wanted other people to hear her. A few more minutes went by and a couple other people started chiming in as well.

Eventually, some poor guy came out of the back to tell us all to be patient. The woman immediately asked for the name of the station manager and announced to the rest of us that we should seek him out to complain. The postal worked said that the manager's name is Mr. Anderson, but that he was on a break. She said, "How fitting", and continued to badger the poor guy about a situation that he probably had nothing to do with.

I don't know if that woman stayed around to talk to Mr. Anderson, but if she did, I hope that he kicked her in the face in slow-motion several times over. While she probably was right that they should've had more people a the windows, they didn't, and I don't think the point in life is to be harrassing everyone just because of stupid scheduling. Some people just want to complain, but I guess I'm past that point. At least in post office related issues.

So anyway, here's to you Mr. Anderson, you incompetent, slacking, inept, son-of-a-bitch, you...

I really don't feel like writing anything today, but remind me to tell you the story of Mr. Anderson tommorrow.

(Ya, I know that isn't Mr. Anderson, it's just the guy who said "Mr Andersonnnn", but considering I don't feel like writing anything now, you'll have to cut me some slack...)

This picture was taken of Larry David during the Laker's game 6 loss to the Sun's the other night. His enthusiasm for the game looks totally curbed, doesn't it?

Wow, that was really brilliant, Dave, really.

Does anyone know if there's gonna be another season of Curb? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a dream sequence involving his mother, who, as I'm sure you know is played by the incomprable Bea Arthur.

A boy can dream, can't he?

David Blaine is gonna try to hold breath tonight for 9 minutes after being in that little sphere for about a week. I'm gonna say that he's not only not gonna make it, but also will be left permanently incapacited somehow after the stunt. I'd wish him luck, but I'm pretty sure someone wished Houdini luck before his last stunt, and that didn't pan out quite as well as he would've liked.

Now wish me luck, I'm about to cook some dinner...

Barry Bonds is now one homerun away from catching Babe Ruth for second place all-time on the homerun list. While Sportscenter spent it's first 7 minutes today discussing how great he is, let me remind you he is a juiced-up, steroid-using, cheater. It seems to me that no record would be great enough that I'd do something that would shrink my testicles, but maybe I just don't care about records enough.

Or maybe I just hold my testicles in too-high regard.

I don't have too much more at the moment so I'm gonna go running and then I'll check back in. In the meantime, try not to do anything that'll shrink your testicles...

David Blaine, pictured here in a block of ice, is spending seven days underwater in a sphere at Lincoln Center. I'm gonna take a walk over there and see what's up. Expect a full audioblog of the events in about an hour.

Not to worry, audioblogging won't take away from my regular posting, it's just a shiny, new addition...

My first ever audioblog is posted below. Oh, how far we have come since the two paper cups and string way of communicating...

Snapped this picture with my CAMERA PHONE at the Nets game last night. Yea, that's right, I have a camera phone. Who says success is elusive?

Went with my brother and some work clients who hooked him up with the tickets. The seats were better than the picture shows and the beer flowed freely. Of course, it flowed in plastic bottles that had their caps removed before they were handed to us, because apparently if they were to give us glass bottles with caps we would all throw them at the players. Actually, the whole thing just made me want to throw my plastic bottle on the court. If you treat men like animals, we'll act like animals.

I spent a decent portion of the game trying to figure out if the man in front of me was wearing a toupee or not. If he was wearing one, it was a damn good one. I thought about grabbing it and throwing it on the court, but calmer heads (no pun intended) prevailed.

Geena Davis' Commander and Chief just got yanked by ABC for the rest of the season. Hmm, a show about a President getting yanked because of low ratings. Does art imitate life or is it the other way around?

From what I've seen of the show, it's pretty good. I guess that's why they're cancelling it. My insiders tell me that ABC will be replacing it with "Celebrities Sleeping with Fat People." Needless to say, my audition for that did not go well at all.

Think I might try an audio blog later. Get your computer speakers ready...

Those of you who read yesterday's post might've noticed that I wrote that I "did something for money on Sunday morning..."

I didn't mention what I did because as a comedian and Mayor of Rubinville, I like to promote the idea that I don't have to do any work on the side to pay my bills. However, while I'd like to believe that to be true, it isn't. So, a couple days a week I do various odd-jobs and gigs. While I haven't been reduced to elephant dung picker-upper just yet, it's always on the table.

Perhaps I'll tell you more specifically about some of the things I do sometime in the future. Or maybe I should just save them for stories to tell Jay Leno.

I don't have to like the guy to do his show.

My brother just called to tell me he got us Net's tickets for tonight's pivotal Game 5. Good thing I played ball this weekend in case they need an emergency sub.

Got a call from someone yesterday who left a message saying, "Maybe we don't need the immigrants. Call me back." I haven't called back yet, but I'm pretty sure Hitler made a similar call in Berlin, circa 1939.

Okay, I've gotta do a couple errands and return that call...

Paris Hilton is a profoundly talentless, boring, self-absorbed, myopic pinhead.

I'm watching Paris on Ellen now, where she just announced that her new catch-phrase is, "That's sexy." I really thought she'd run out of ingenious catch-phrases after, "That's hot", but she just keeps bringing brilliance to the masses. Paris, who was born into more money that me and you will ever have, and who is famous simply for being famous, typifies everything wrong with entertainment today. Mark my words, once I'm finished exterminating all the evil oil-executives I'm coming for her.

My apologies for starting Monday off on a tirade like that. It's just that Paris Hilton is a profoundly talentless, boring, self-abosorbed, myopic pinhead.

So I've been doing a little research that might possible lead to ads being put back up on The Daily Dave. You may remember that I removed them awhile back because they took up an awful lot of space relative to the small amount of money that they brought in. Thing is though, that people keep telling me that I shouldn't care about space and should just care about making money off this. I'm nothing if not a staunch Capitalist.

Really the best way to make money, I think, would be to receive anonymous donations via PayPal, but that doesn't seem to be working, so I might have to make a move.

Hmm, that is, unless I can get the Hilton family to fund my comic exploits. I should draft up a nice e-mail.

In what-I-did-over-the-weekend-news, I had a great gig on Friday, spent Saturday in Central Park, did something for money on Sunday morning, and played basketball Sunday afternoon. It was my first hoop-action of the season and I didn't play particularly well, but most importantly I didn't get injured.

Yea, that's what it comes down to when you're almost 30, just not getting injured. Now excuse me, I have to drink my morning Metamucil...