The new Transformers trailer is up over at Yahoo! Movies. Dare I say that I'm slightly impressed...

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/transformers.html

Pardon me while I defend the ladies of The View, but listen to Donald Trump bash Rosie during an interview this morning. Him calling someone ugly is, well, nice hair Donald...

Anyone see it yet? For some reason, I feel the need to go check it out.

I went to the Nets/Cavs game last night and in a strange twist, a fight broke out in the stands and not on the court. Though I wasn't personally involved some of my Coke did get spilled. I'll be sending David Stern a harsh e-mail shortly.

More in a bit. Apparently, I struggle to post during the holidays. I think it has something to do with too much Hannukah-nog...

The only thing as ridiculous as the NYC holiday spirit (see post below), is the constant spin, one way or another, of the media. Check out Joy Behar's comment yesterday on The View, then I'll explain...



Clearly, the point that Joy meant to make was that it would be okay to put someone controversial as person of the year, and was not making a direct link between Rumsfeld and Hitler. This becomes even more obvious if know her sense of humor and you get the context in which she said the comment. I mention this whole thing because of two headines that I caught yesterday...

Drudge Report: "Joy Behard Compares Rumsfeld to Hitler"

FoxNews.com: "Joy's View? Rumsfeld like Hitler"

Ah,, there's nothing like a little truthiness in the news...

Was just at The Gap (impressive, I know), and I heard one woman say to another...

"Should I get him a sweater?"

The other woman responded...

"Who cares, he's an asshole."

Ah, there's nothing quite like the holiday spirit...

Been juggling a bunch of things this week. I'd apologize for not posting, but I've been told by several people not to apologize on your own blog. Of course, none of those people actually have their own blog, so let's just say I'm kinda sorry...

I've always said that playing with a synthetic ball is like...

(Eh, don't have anything good to finish that one off, anyone wanna help?)

That's right, finally, David Stern has announced that the NBA will go back to the regular leather ball instead of the new, synthetic one. Though I never actually played with the new one, it clearly didn't bounce the same, and the players were having a tough time adjusting to it. This is only the second time in the history of civilization that a new technology fails, with Beta losing out to VHS being the other. I guess it was a nice try, but that's how the ball bounces. Or, how the ball bounces oddly.

Nothing too crazy this weekend this weekend. I spent most of it preparing for a 40 minute set that I'm doing tommorrow. Back in the day, I did 30-40 minute sets pretty frequently, but the last year or so I've been doing mostly 10 minute ones, which has me a little concerned. Fortunately for me, I'm a highly trained professional. Yes, thank god for these eight years of completely unnoticed, unbekownst training.

Video Podcast tommorrow. Try to control yourself until then...

This oppresive cold is really affecting my posting abilities, but I wanted to give you something before the weekend so enjoy this picture of me drinking Starbucks as seen if you were The Predator...

Just when I bust out the blogging of the future, Blogger won't post pictures once again today. I guess I may have no choice but to upgrade from my Apple 2C computer. It'd just be a damn shame to lose all the good work I've done on Print Shop.

George and Tony sat down at the White House today to discuss what to do in Iraq. My sources tell me that they just sat in a dark room and cried together.

I got a few interesting e-mails about the video podcast. Generally, people seem to like the idea, though I have to really have to figure out where I'm looking when I'm doing it. Emma has told me she'd like to be a bigger part of the whole thing so we're gonna work on a little something.

More once I get this thing working...

Video Podcasting is the future...

Blogger is being a bitch today (as you can see, I'm clearly losing my patience), but I should have something all-new and kick-ass later this evening...

I don't have much today, perhaps due to the cold weather. It's a little known fact that severe cold is bad for comedy. The same goes for extreme heat. Comedy is a dish best served slightly chilled.

Speaking of cold, David Letterman, who keeps his studio notoriously cold, has just re-signed with CBS until 2010. I guess that makes 2011 my year. You guys gonna stick with me for five more of "the lean years?"

I promise better posts than this one if you do...

I think we've all had enough of shirtless Dave so let's move along and enjoy this clip of Hans Moleman getting hit in the groin with a football...



Homer is right, it works at so many levels...

I'm bringin' sexy back...

(More later, for now just enjoy the view.)

Blogger is going nuts today. Hang tight...

Well, well, well...

Yesterday was the most hits ever at Rubinville, which is quite ironic because on Monday I said that I would show a shirtless picture of myself if I got five requests to do so. Only three such requests came through (from my three favorite ladies, btw), yet more people than ever swung by yesterday to look around.

Well, well, well, well, well...

Well, we didn't get quite enough votes to see me shirtless so instead here's a picture of the lagoon behind my grandma's condo. Sexy, ain't it?

Just saw the new Christopher Guest movie, For Your Consideration. While it wasn't my favorite of his flicks, it was a really good send-up of the nonsense that is Hollywood. Thank god I'm not in the business.

I'm having some lower back pain today. Anyone got a non-drug related recommendation?

Okay, I'm done for today. Upsetting, I know...

Dave on the beach. Try it, you'll like it.

(If there are enough requests I might go as far as to post a shirtless picture. If you haven't seen one before, there is nothing quite like a shirtless comedian.)

So Florida was a great trip. I went with my buddy Jon, who has been my best friend since 5 years old. His son just turned 6, which was quite a trip for my mom, because she remembers Jon and I playing Star Wars together at that age.

We were on Sanibel Island, which is a little island off the west coast of Florida that is fairly remote and has only one traffic light. It's a lot like Fox's Temptation Island, just with more old people. Basically, all we did was chill at the beach and pool all day. That, and eat, drink and eat and drink. FYI, Grouper is my new fish of choice, blackened in particular, though you can go ahead and have it any way you like.

Naturally, we talked about all kinds of stuff, and as Jon said, we solved the world's problems many times over. I'll be writing an essay on the solution in the coming months, title TBA.

If you can think of a better title than TBA, I'm open to suggestions.

And now to Cosmo Kramer. The short of it is that it's hard to say exactly what went down that night without seeing the heckling that was going on before his outburst. However, you can see him go down that slippery slope that comics too often fall into where funny and edgy is overshadowed by dark and racist. Ironically, a black comic could literally, and I mean literally, say anything about white people and it'd be fine, but I don't feel like opening that can of worms at the moment. Clearly, Michael Richards has some major issues, and racism doesn't just appear out of nowhere, but more than anything else I can't figure out how someone just loses it like that. Especially if that someone who has millions of dollars in the bank. If anything, I should be te one having meltdowns everynight, not Kramer.

Speaking of meltdowns, I gotta prepare for my gig tonight...

Ya, you've all seen it a thousand times, but it is obviously deserving of a looksie and discussion now that I'm back...



Thoughts on this, plus a Florida recap in a bit. Now admit it, you missed me...

In a sudden, unexpected move, I'm going to Florida in a few hours. I'll be gone until next Wednesday and can't promise a post from down there, but hey, you never know. Good luck without me...

The murderer pictured above is coming out with a new book titled, "If I Did It."

Seems like the editor should've pushed for him to drop the "If" part.

(Interesting sidenote, I had sex for the first time during OJ's car chase. True story.)

Here's the guy I'll be voting for in 2008. Well, that is unless I decide to run myself, but at the moment I'm leaning against it for various personal reasons.

So, this post marks my 600th here at The Daily Dave. It has been quite a ride hasn't it? We've come all the way from a time when I couldn't even post pictures and had a ton of spelling errors to a time when I can sometimes post pictures and only have occcasional spelling errors. I can only imagine where will be 600 post from now. If my plan goes accordingly, I'll have someone else doing all my writing by then and I'll be living in a space capsel hurling towards Vega at the speed of light.

A bunch of Iraqi terrorists/freedom fighters/guerillas/gorillas/monkeys/whatever we refer to them as now kidnapped and then released a whole group of people today. That's good/bad/confusing/confounding/redundant to hear, ain't it?

I just read that Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight smacked one of his players the other day. I haven't seen the video yet, but isn't that why they hired him in the first place? It was either to smack players or to throw chairs at officials, I forget which one.

Kinda in the mood for some cookies, see ya later...

Okay, just one more Borat related post.

I don't want to give anything away so I won't get into specifics, but the movie managed to be utterly hilarious while at the same time being edgy and uncompromising. So much of the watered-down crap we get on TV and the at the movies is so completely the opposite of that and somehow that fact made everything even funnier. For me, it not only was enjoyable, but also inspiring because it reminded me that there's room for some good stuff in the ocean of crapola that we're out to sea in.

Blah, blah, Dave, we've heard it all before.

Yes, you have, though I'd appreciate a little more patience from you, thank you very much. My point here, and there is one, is that I have a lot of things, both written and performed that I don't bring here to Rubinville. There are a couple reasons for this, the first being that so much stuff is stolen from the internet.

There, I said it, things are actually stolen from the internet. Hard to believe, I know.

Secondly, despite the well-placed PayPal button and the DaveStore, I do this for free. I literally haven't made a cent from this in almost 4 years and 598 postings. (I did make a couple bucks from Google AdSense awhile back, but took down the ads before I had made enough to cash in.) So, while there is nobody putting a gun to my head right now, it seems a little crazy for me to put my best material or jokes or thoughts up on the web for nothing.

This all got me thinking about something. I love stand-up and I love writing this and I love working on projects that combine those loves, but I want you to know that there's more coming. I'll be doing my one-man show for the first time in December. I've written a book that eventually will get published once I can figure out the ending. And, perhaps most ambitiously, I am building a spaceship out of used Nintendo systems.

Now, if I could just make a dime off of any of this...

Funniest movie I've ever seen.

Are we agreed?

Just read that Jack Palance passed away today. The only things I remember him from were City Slickers (Billy Crystal's best flick) and from his pushups at the 1991 Oscars. Despite my limited knowledge of his work, he struck me as one cool, old dude. So long cowboy.

(I just realized that you could argue that When Harry Met Sally was Billy Crystal's best movie, but this isn't really about Billy, it's about Curly and the legend of his gold...)

I've been watching Borat on The Tonight Show for the past 10 minutes or so and I just want to reiterate what a genious Sascha Baron Cohen is. I haven't seen the movie yet, but he is so utterly and completely upstaging Leno that it is simply priceless. Borat is relevant, funny and edgy, and Jay, is, well, not.

NBC, I'm still waiting for the call...

I know that George has already selected someone as the new Secretary of Defense, but I'd still like to nominate General Grievous for the position. If you thought Rumsfeld was scary (and not just because he looks like Skeletor), Grievous will make you poop in your shoes. Not only does he have 4 mechanical arms and a really mean looking face, but he was also trained in the Jedi arts by Count Dooku himself. And, until the battle on Upatau, the guy led one heck of a Droid Army. You can still reconsider, George.

So the Dems are in the House, which I'm sure will also be the title of a movie staring either Steve Martin or Robin Williams within the next few months. We'll see if anything changes, though it should be kept in mind that these are politicians, not people who are really good at changing anything. I'll give the Dems a few weeks to get their shiznit together before I start attacking, so enjoy it while you can Nancy Pelosi and Co.

Michael Jackson has just announced that he'll be performing Thriller in a comeback show in London at the World Music Awards. Of course, this time around he'll be playing one of the zombies.

(Ya, that'll be on Leno and/or Letterman tonight, but just remember where you heard it first.)

Oh, one more thing for now. I just stopped by H&H Bagels because it is raining and I didn't want to walk over to Hot 'N Crusty despite their crustier, fluffier bagels. I was shocked and appauled to see that H&H is now charging $1.10 for a single bagel. If the Democrats really want a place to start change, I'd recommend the corner of 80th and Broadway...

Another pic as promised...

That's right, I voted for John Spencer instead of Hillary Clinton. I'm pretty sure that John Spencer is the actor from West Wing who died about a year ago, but I still felt he was the way to go.

By the way, is it even legal to take a camera into a voting booth? I felt so naughty while taking the pictures.

For the purposes of full-disclosure, I voted Democratic all the way except for Hillary. I just don't like a carpet-bagger. Speaking of which, I've even heard rumors that she's a carpet-muncher.

More important that all this nonsense is that I just heard Brittney Spears is getting divorced from that talentless moron. Well, I'll be damned, I didn't even know she was married to Carson Daly...

I swear my arm really isn't that hairy and that my hand isn't really that white. Nonetheless, that is me pulling the lever just minutes ago. Let's all be mature and not imply anything sexual about lever pulling.

More coming soon. Let's all be mature and not imply anything sexual about coming soon...

As a precursor to the type of emotion that no politician will publicly show tonight after losing, enjoy this video of Faith Hill at the Country Music Awards last night. She's all class...



So, here we are, election day. I'm hearing that the new electronic voting machines are already screwing up in various places and that several machines have actually revolted and are taking hostages. After I post this I'm going to head over to my polling station and see what's what. I'll try to take a picture with my camera phone once I'm in the booth, though if the machine is angry it might be tough to do.

Okay, I've got my bottle of water (the natural enemy of democracy), and I've got my phone, so it's time to be part of the process. I'll return with a full report...

Once again having a problem with pictures, so instead of the picture I intended enjoy this 12 kilobyte bowtie.

So, my bro's wedding was this weekend. It was really a great time, perhaps the best time that my family has ever had together, and while that may have been because of the top-shelf open-bar, I think it's still worth noting.

Beth and Jonathan both performed at the highest possible levels that a bride and groom can be expected. There was a rumor that my brother even got into "the zone" while dancing at one point, but i can't confirm that first-hand.

Before I get to my speech, I'll tell you about the biggest laugh I got the whole night, which came while walking down the aisle. As you know, normally walking down the aisle is a calm, beautiful, peaceful moment. When I do it, however, shinanigans are sure to ensue. What happened, and I did NOT plan it, was as I walked down the aisle I realized that I was going kind of fast so I slowed down. Apparently, I slowed down in some sort of comical fashion because suddenly 300 people were laughing. Feeling the crowd wanting more I began to wave and give the thumbs-up and victory sign. By the time I made it to the end of my walk I thought I was going to get a standing ovation. It never came but the whole thing certainly set a fun tone throughout the ceremony.

I guess it's my life's curse, I just can't help but be funny. If I get clearance from the newlyweds I'll post the video up here as soon as I can.

The speech went well too, though if you ever give a best-man speech in your life I'd recommend not saying the word "penis." Sure, it'll get you a good laugh, but is your mother hiding her head in her soup something you want to deal with at a public funcion?

Now that it's over I suppose my family will go back to talking about things that we talked about before the engagement, though frankly I can't remember what they were. As for me, I'm available to walk down isles or give penis-free speeches whenever you need me...

I'm sure you've seen this before, but it bares watching one more time before you see it a hundred more times before the election.

John Kerry, the extraordinarily boring, uncharismatic, Frankenstien-like loser, has created a firestorm of controversy with this one joke. Clearly, his attack was meant to hit Bush, and not the troops, but if you don't know how to deliver a joke, well then just don't try it. (That goes for you too, Carlos Mencia.)

As the pundits go back and forth yammering about how this will help the Republicans, I think that it's just more fodder for CNN and Foxnews to try to get ratings. Nobody cared what John Kerry said two years ago, and nobody cares now. Go away John, go far, far away. Go back to the labratory where they assembled you from old, dead politicians.

I've got a big weekend ahead of me as my younger brother is getting married. I'll be delivering the best man speech and though I've done thousands of comedy shows, somehow this seems like more pressure than any of them. You think I can bring another comic to warm-up the crowd? He could do some light crowd-work, just to get 'em loose before I bust out the controversial stuff.

As I'm writing this I just saw an awful commercial for Ned Lamont where a bunch of old people are bad-mouthing Joe Lieberman while playing cards. Old people don't talk politics while playing cards, they talk about their medications and the early-bird special. Considering we all know that Joe Lieberman has always voted against the early-bird Ned should be attacking that, not Joe's stance on Iraq.

Got it Ned?

Okily dokily...

The look on Dave's face sums up my feelings about a picture finally appearing here. Nonetheless, it's here and I'll consider it a small miracle.

I had a dream last night that I was booked on Dave's show and he kept bringing out crappy act after crappy act in front of me. I can't remember any of the performers specifically, and I don't even remember if they were comedians, but I remember cringing as he kept introducing one after the other to the audience. In a cruel twist of deeply-disturbing psycological sarcasm, the show ends right before Dave is about to announce my name. The industry even screws me in my dreams.

What could all subconscious drivel actually mean? I offer some options...

1. I fear success.

2. I fear not having success

3. My imaginary manager is an idiot and should've booked me on a show with less guests.

4. I'm not ready to hit the big-time.

5. The big-time doesn't even exist, it's just a figment of my imagination.

6. Dave knows I'm his eventual successor and doesn't want to let America see me just yet.

Those are the options I've come up with, though I'm sure I'm leaving out several good, perhaps more relevant ones. Any dream analysts reading today???

Damn you Bill Gates...

I downloaded the newest Internet Explorer, version 2.0495.4881.43, and now not only can't I get pictures to post, but I'm getting popups for Adultfriendfinder.net everytime I visit a new website.

I'll post whenever the problems resolves itself. In the meantime, I have a few new friends I need to get to know...

BOO!

Did I scare ya?

Yea, I'm quite the haunter.

Halloween is just hours away and I am preparing accordingly by getting ready to gawk at the freaks parading the streets. This is in no way different than my normal day of gawking at the freaking parading the streets, though on this one day I'm allowed to point and comment without the threat of being assaulted. It's what Halloween is all about.

I'm guessing that the big cryptic costume of the year will be Steve Irwin complete with sting-ray barb potruding from his chest. I'll count how many of those I see, and I'll make note of anything even more tasteless.

I brought Emma (my dog) over to a friends apartment today and literally within 15 seconds of being there she peed on the carpet. Febreeze really is a great, great product.

Did I really need to put "my dog" in parenthesis in that sentence? As if you'd think I had a friend Emma who pees on carpets. I apologize for thinking so little of you.

I'm watching a Six Feet Under repeat on the Bravo network. Commercials can somehow make brilliant things seem less brilliant.

The election continues to creep up on us like a meaningless event that will change the country in no significant way. I just can't decide whether to hack into an electronic voting machine to fix the election or to just pour water on the screen and fry the freaking thing. I'm leaning towards pouring the water, if for no other reason than to prove my theory that water is the natural enemy of democracy.

All this writing has gotten me parched. You'll have to excuse me, I need a glass of communism...

I haven't been kind to the morons over at NBC over the years, but today I'd like to offer them some accolades. My people are telling me that Studio 60 will be cancelled any day now, and for that, I humbly thank the braintrust over at the Peacock network.

Now go ahead and cancel 30 Rock and I'll be willing to talk to you guys again.

So NBC, do we have deal or no deal?

Caught Madonna chatting it up with Oprah about her adopted baby yesterday. I don't care enough about the whole thing to make any specific comment about it, but I do think Madonna made once crucial error. There are so many children right here in America that need adoption, why go all the way to Africa? Let's not forget the children right here at home. And that is precisely why I offer myself to Madonna...

Adopt me, Madonna. Please. I'll move to London. I'll develop a fake British accent. I'll study Kabbalah. I'll even learn to do that hand thing that you do in "Hung Up."

(I only know about the hand thing because the video is always playing at the gym, not for any other reason that someone would know something like that.)

The big mid-term elections are coming up in less than two weeks. I'm voting facsist all the way. That's the direction it's all going anyway, so why not be ahead of the curve?

That reminds me of a joke I used to do about how voting machines don't actually register your vote, instead all that happens when you pull the lever is that it opens the curtain to make you feel good about yourself. I guess I can't do that bit anymore thanks to the new electronic voting machines. As if it isn't bad enough that they're all going to be hacked into allowing for massive voting fraud, now they're also ruining my old jokes. Progress is a real bitch.

Just saw a commercial for the $5.95 soup, salad and breadsticks lunch at the Olive Garden. Is there any chance that deal applies in NYC? I'd guess it's closer to $59.95 here.

No new info on the Transformers Movie, though I did register with Michael Bay's website as to be able to post on his message boards. Strangely, they haven't authorized me to post yet. Suppressing dissent, Michael? It didn't work for Megatron and it won't work for you.

Feel free to dissent yourself into oblivion here at Rubinville, the facists haven't taken over here...yet...

Watch me bring this one around...

I mentioned awhile back how over the past year or so that the bagels at H&H (a NYC institution) have consistently gotten worse, while the prices have consistently gotten higher. At the same time, Hot 'N Crusty, just a few blocks away, always makes a great bagel and are only 75 cents compared to to a full dollar at H&H.

Dave, why are you explaining the bagel-economics of the Upper West Side?

Well, good man, I'm doing so because as of today Hot 'N Crusty raised their CPB (cost per bagel) to 80 cents. You might think that this would haven angered me, but nope, they make a good product at a fair price, and I'm happy to pay the extra nickel. It just goes to show that people don't mind paying a little more when you are offering a good product at a fair price. Of course if they go to 85 cents I'll picket that place til the cows come home.

And now to Cosmo Kramer...

I was watching Seinfeld last night and it was an episode that I had completely forgotten about, the one where Kramer gets a job at H&H Bagels because they finally raise the pay to a level he's willing to work at. Of course, the pay they are offering is only minimum wage, but Kramer takes the job anyway. It's one of those episodes that they don't show that often in reruns though considering the bagel pricing wars these days it is still very relevant.

It makes me wonder if Kramer ever even tried to get a job at Hot 'N Crusty. I bet they pay more despite their cheaper, yet fairly priced bagels.

Alright, now let's get away from bagels for a bit and list all of the cheating baseball players currently in the World Series...

Kenny Rogers.

Whoa, I didn't intentionally do it, but to bring all this around, I'm reminded of another episode of Seinfeld when Kramer and Jerry switch apartments because of the bright red light emminating from the Kenny Rogers Roasters downstairs. If they had only known Kenny Rogers was a cheater, I bet the whole episode would've been different.

Yea, that's what I bet. You could say I'm quite the gambler. Much like one Kenny Rogers.

Holy shmoly, I brought it around again! Butter me up, cuz I'm on a roll! Much like the delicious rolls at Kenny Rogers Roasters!

(Ya, lil too much coffee this morning...)

Here's the first four minutes of Borat's new movie. Hey, if you don't have anything funny to say just find something on YouTube...

I may or may not have used this image before. If I have, take it up with the legal department...

NBC announced today that it will cutting about 600-800 jobs due to poor performance of the television division. Let me be the first (or zillionth) to say how utterly absurd this is. Yes, you could probably fire 50-60 percent of the people in the TV biz and things wouldn't operate any slower. Actually, in many cases, things would operate a lot better. The problem here though is that the people about to get fired were only doing, or not doing, exactly what they were told to by their higher-ups. Thus, the guy who needs to get canned, who's salary probably isn't far off than most of those people's combined, is Jeff Zucker, the head of entertainment.

Dave, what kind of lame-brain comic would go on record calling for the firing of a major television powerhouse? And, come to think of it, didn't you call for his firing over a year ago?

The answers to those rather insightful questions are that I am just lame-brained enough to do it, and yes, I already did it over a year ago when NBC was in slightly less of a mess than it is in now.

This all reminds me of a time a few months back when I was standing next to Jeff Zucker at an undisclosed location and was tempted to introduce myself. I never made my move, partly because I didn't have anything nice to say, though moreso because he had a lot of neck hair and some of it was coming out of the collar of his shirt. It was a very disturbing sight, one which begs for another question to be answered...

If you can't control the hair coming out of your shirt, how can you control an entire prime-time lineup?

Tonight Show here I come...

It's time for a little urban renewal in Rubinville...

You'll notice that we've put up a Commerce section over in the right hand column. In it you'll be able to either donate some money to Rubinville via Paypal, or you can purchase items from Amazon through the Dave Store. I've chosen to go with this route rather than ads directly on the site because I find they take up too much space and often offer little return. After 575 posts I'm obviously not doing this for money, but a little extra something, you know, to fix the roads and keep the lights on, certainly would be appreciated.

That's all for money-talk, it always gets awkward, doesn't it?

In other news, there was some screaming in the hallway yesterday and it turned out to be an old man yelling at the super because our heat hasn't been turned on yet. They were yellign in Spanish so I can't give much mroe detail than that, but at one point the old man grabbed a giant knife and started waving it at the super. The super then ran upstairs and grabbed a smaller knife and started waving it at the old man. Long story short, the cops showed up and calmer heads prevailed. It's nice to know that I have two potential murderers living in my building so in case another murderer breaks in I'll know who to call.

Saw the movie "The Departed" last night. Without giving anything away, it was a great flick with a totally surprising ending. Scorsese still knows how to make a solid movie, though I'd continue to rank Goodfellas as his best flick.

A good friend asked me yesterday if this whole Transformers dialogue thing really pissed me off as much as I made it seem on Monday. My answer went something like this...

"Look, I mean I could be pissed about the war in Iraq or being broke or not having a good manager, but instead of focusing on those, I just get pissed about things related to the Transformers Movie. Everyone deals with shit differently." He paused for a second and then said, "True."

The truth will set you free, folks...

Cyberton weeps today...

I'm going to try to take a humorous tone to this entry, as I like to do here on The Daily Dave, but Michael Bay and the rest of the ding-dongs in charge of the Transformers Movie are systematically destroying this thing each and every day. First, the released picture of Megatron looks nothing like Megatron. Second, we find out that Soundwave isn't even in the movie. And then, in a move that just reaks of desperation, they do a contest to have the fans write a line of dialogue for Optimus Prime. Despite my annoyance at this cheap ploy, I did write a line, which in case you forgot was...

"The difference between Autobots and Decepticons is that Autobots try to protect life while Decepticons try to rule it."

I went over to www.transformersmovie.com today and noticed that the voting has begun. The powers that be selected 100 finalists and the voting is in full swing. Surprise, surprise, my line isn't on there. I guess that's because there are some brilliant lines like these...

"Autbots transform, let's roll."

"Megatron must be stopped, no matter the cost."

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

"I must break you."

"It's clobbering time!"

"I'll be back."

"Do a barrell roll!"

"Never!!!!!!"

Oh, where do I start with this list? The first line was said in virtually every episode of the Transformers cartoon. The second line too, was taken directly from the original Transformers Movie from 1984. The third one is just idiotic. The fourth one was said by Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. The fifth one is the catch-phase of "The Thing" from Fantastic Four. The sixth is Arnold Schwarzenegger's most famous line. The seventh, I have no idea what it means. And the eighth, well, I'll give the guy credit for wisely using six exclamation points. Oh ya, there also was one other that caught my eye...

"The difference between the Decepticons and the Autobots is that we will repair the damage, they will leave the Earth in ruin."

That one, ironically, is also by someone named David, and while it isn't as catchy as mine, and he sort of says it backwards, he had the right idea.

I'm really not sure why I felt the need to write all this out, but I guess it just would've been nice to get my line in the top 100, or at least have been beaten by some clever or remotely original ideas.

Yea, I suppose that I'm a bit of a dreamer. Of course, Optimus Prime was a dreamer too, and he ended up having hack dialogue written for him in a movie that doesn't even have Soundwave in it.

Where is the justice???

Jason Vorhees, in honor of Friday the 13th.

I was thinking that this is a rare Friday the 13th in the month of October, which is clearly the most ghoulish and creepy month of the year. As you know, one thing that I'm not great with is numbers and I was trying to figure out how often it is that Friday the 13th lands in October. I've come up with several options, maybe you can help me out...

1. Once every 52 years because there is 52 weeks in a year.
2. Once every 13 years because it is on the 13th day of the month.
3. Once every 39 years because 52 minus 13 is 39.

I supposed that "year" could be swapped with "month" in any of those choices, but either way I still have no idea. You know Einstien couldn't tie his own shoes, so don't judge me, genious is a strange thing.

Big win by the Mets last night on the shoulders of Tom Glavine's seven shut-out innings. I've always liked old athletes who still bring it. That probably means I'll get my first HBO special when I'm 82, but that's better than never.

I didn't catch any of Diane Sawyer's interview with Mel Gibson, but I have read some of the transcript and I think that it is fair to say that he still is an alcoholic, opportunistic, narcissistic, racist, bunghole.

Yea, I said bunghole. Have a nice weekend...

Pictures are back in the house. And on the computer.

Yes, you're correct, that's me and comedy legend Jackie Mason. (FYI, we're both colorized much better in real-life.) We met up yesterday for a couple hours to talk about the biz, get to know one another, and do whatever else it is that comedians do during the day. Jackie, who has done about 400 Broadway shows and starred in one of my favorite movies, Caddyshack 2, was more than happy to talk to a young nobody and I was more than happy to babble endlessly, which he called me out on more than once.

Hopefully, we'll work together sometime soon, though if nothing else I think that this picture will get me a little credit with my family. Ya, I'm the point where I need photographic evidence to prove myself. That's normal.

You might be wondering where the original Caddyshack falls on my favorite movie list if Caddyshack 2 is up there. I'd say they are right next to each other, and it really only depends on my mood which one is before the other. It's much like whether I like a lot of mayo or a little mayo in my tuna on any given day. It's all about the mood.

Speaking of moods, I need to go buy some mayo...

I haven't forgotten about you kids, I just can't get pix to post and you know my policy on pic-less postings.

Technology has done nothing but frustrate and infuriate me. Blogging would've been a lot easier in the caveman days.

If only I had a time-machine to go back to the caveman days so that I wouldn't have to deal with technology. It'd all be so much easier that way...

You're looking at the cover-art for the Transformers Movie 20th Anniversary DVD that is coming out on November 4th. As I keep reading more and more about the upcoming live action movie I can't help but think that this movie from 1986 will be the best showing that the Autobots and Decepticons will ever have on the big screen. In a seemingly sure sign that the movie will dissapoint, the producers are doing a contest to have a fan write a single line of dialogue for Optimus Prime. That's pretty much the sure sign that Hollywood has officially given up when they are ask fans to write the lines for them. Why not have us do the special effects ourselves too? Nonetheless, as I'm tired of trying to fix Hollywood, I did submit a line...

"The difference between Autobots and Decepticons is that Autobots try to protect life while Decepticons try to rule it."

Pretty good, right? It's true to Optimus Prime while even saying a little something about the eternal battle that the Transformers are all about. Fans will be voting for the best submissions in a few weeks and I'll be sure to keep you posted.

As long as I'm doing some Transformers catching-up, I found out something very interesting at Wikopedia the other day. It turns out that the guy who did the voice of Starscream, Chris Latta, was a one-time stand up comic. Not only that, but he also did the voice of Moe the bartender in the first season of The Simpsons. I'd mention that he also was the voice of Cobra Commander in the GI Joe cartoon, but everyone knows that and I don't want to insult your intelligence.

If only Hollywood was as non-insulting as me. If only...

I had a thought...

So I did a catering gig last night and on my way home a little voice inside my head said that I should stop by the local comedy club a few blocks away from my apartment. I won't mention the name of the club, though you can probably figure it without much effort if you put some contextual clues together. Anyway, as I was approaching the club, I saw a guy slouched over the stairs of the building next-door while smoking a cigarette. The guy turned out to be a relatively famous comedian who I've talked to once or twice before for about ten seconds. We traded little pleasantries and then he went inside to perform. I couldn't help but think how depressed he seemed, despite the fact that as I mentioned, he's a relatively famous comic.

I bring this up because earlier in the day I had taken the train to Greenwich from Grand Central Station. Grand Central, like Penn Station, is filled with business people, each one usually looking more depressed than the one standing right next to them. Everytime I go to either station I am reminded of how badly I don't want to be one of these people, and then last night, I was reminded that I also don't want to be a comic slouched of some stairs smoking a cigarette before my next set.

I don't mean to pass judgement on the business people or the comic, but seeing each of them waiting, the business guys for the train, the comic for his set, made me realize even more how I shouldn't be waiting for anything. I should be doing something.

So, that's settles it. I'm going to become a business man with a sense of urgency. Now I just have to figure out what kind of business. Hmm. I'm thinking something with Pogs. Kids still like Pogs, right? Yes, that's it, I'll become a Pog salesman. How many cases can I put you down for?

As many of you know, my taping of VH1's Best Week Ever never actually aired, but it's nice to see that the people over there haven't totally forgotten about good old boy Dave Rubin. Someone just linked me to this...

http://www.bestweekever.tv/tag/Dave+Rubin

Somehow I think that Steve Guttenberg and I haven't crossed paths for the last time...

First Pedro is out, now El Duque is gone. I haven't pitched in almost three seasons, but when Willie Randolph calls you in a bind, you do what you gotta do. That being said, I'm heading out to Shea Stadium where I'll be the starting pitcher against the Dodgers tonight. Don't even bother watching the game or reading the boxscore, I'll just let you know how it went tommorrow.

Maybe I'll audioblog from the dugout...

If I was dead could I possibly know that the Yankees won tonight?

I think not...

Yes, I'm alive and well. Just needed a couple days. Thanks for all the e-mails making sure I was okay.

Actually, I only got one e-mail, and it asked quite simply, "Are you dead?" If writing this isn't proof of life, I don't know what is.

One thing that's nice to see is that comedy goes on even when I am off. Sacha Baron Cohen, better known as Kazakh reporter Borat has been doing some amazing things lately. He has been parading around Washington trying to invite President Bush to the premiere of his upcoming movie. This of course resulted in the Secret Service having him removed from the gates of the White House. Those Secret Service guys just have no sense of humor. That's in stark contast to war-monger Donald Rumseld, who I'm told is quite hilarious.

Even better than that event, the Kazakh government actually is working on a PR campaign to show people that their country isn't filled with all the cartoonish stereotypes that Borat projects. Basically, it's a comedian versus a country, and only one side is getting the joke. Good stuff.

I think that's all I got for now. This wasn't much of a post, and if anything it just promoted someone else's comedy, but I'm nothing if not a giver. Give, give, give, give, give...

I lost one of my credit cards today. No, it's not an American Express Gold Card, but I guess once you lose a card it doesn't matter what kind it is.

Now the question is whether my debt also disappear along with the card. That can't possibly be how it works, right?

Please, please, pretty please...

It would've been better if Bill had just punched him, but it's still worth a watch...

The kids are telling me that this is the hot new drink in NYC and LA. It leads me to once again ask the question, "But what about the kids in Sheboygan, Wisconsin?"

Mel Brooks has just announced a cartoon version of Spaceballs, to hit TV screens in 2007.

"I think your Schwartz is as big as mine."

Brilliant.

Did the Joey Reynolds Show last night and said a couple funny things, if I do say so myself. I probably should've promoted that beforehand, right?

More in a bit, I know I said that yesterday, but this time I really, really mean it...

I thought Ahmadinejad was gonna steal the show at United Nations, but today Hugo Chavez called GWB, "the devil." Hate to tell you this Hugo, but the devil looks like the guy above, not like George.

As you can see, it's been a busy day of diplomacy here at Rubinville, more later...

Some bad stuff is gonna go down in this building today.

In case you don't recognize it, that's the Unitied Nations building, which is about a ten minute cab drive from my apartment. Later today, at the General Assembly, Iranian Wackjob, I mean President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, will be giving a big speech. I think I spelt his name wrong there, but frankly the guy isn't worth me looking it up.

In a time when the US is roundly attacked for anything we do, or don't do, you gotta give us some credit that we allow for this morally compromised, unethical, flat-out evil organization to operate on our soil.

Oh, wait, I meant that in reverse. Why is it that we allow for this corrupt organization to sit on our soil? Having the United Nations in NYC, especially when it's being addressed by a nut like Ahmadinejad is the equivalent of the Justice League of America letting the Legion of Doom come to Metropolis and then have Lex Luthor give the keynote speech.

That's one of the better analogies I've ever made. Somewhere in the archives from about a year ago I listed the Justice League equivalent of the member states of the UN. The United States is Superman, England is Batman, etc. Everything being equal though, I prefer Marvel Comics, and in that world we would be Spiderman.

As Uncle Ben said, "With great power comes great responsibility." We could use a does of advice like that sometimes.

(No, not Uncle Ben the rice-guy. Uncle Ben, Peter Parkers dead-uncle.)

As long as I'm discussing America, you gotta love this new Free Speech segment on The Katie Couric Variety Hour, or whatever it's called. Basically, they are supposed to let people discuss anything they want, hence the title Free Speech. Bill Maher was gonna do it but for some crazy reason he was annoyed that CBS executives gave him a list of approved topics to choose from for the segment titled FREE SPEECH. Good stuff, CBS, good stuff.

I should be on that Free Speech segment to talk about all this. Anyone know how to get in touch with Katie?

Have you ever seen so much star power in one picture?

Yes, that's yours truly, along with the one and only Steve Guttenberg. The picture was taken at the Greenwich, CT, train station at 12:30 am, Saturday morning. We chatted it up about Police Academy, Cocoon and everything in between. (As if you can fit anything in between those two classics.) I recommended that they combine Police Academy and Cocoon into one revolutionary sequel and he said he would think about it. More importantly though, he told me that Policy Academy 2007 is in the works and that, "All your questions will be answered."

When we got on the train the real fun began, so much so that it's worthy of an audioblog. Hang tight...

Not much going on in my brain at the moment. Maybe if I focus on this picture of the brain something will pop, let's see...

Nothing yet...

Nothing...

Nope, still nothing...

Nadda...

Oh, here's something...

No, was a false alarm...

Hmm...

C'mon Dave...

Ummmmmmmmm, hmmmmmmmm, there's gotta be soemthing this brain...

Wow, this is disturbing...

I think it's cuz I had a rough show last night...

Wait, that's something, talk about that...

Good thinking...

Well do it then...

Okay, here we go...

So, ya, I had a rough show last night. It was my first rough one after a nice run that I've been on lately. I don't like to make excuses (though I will), but I got a really poor intro and then the mic-stand broke literally the moment I touched it. Normally I weave that into something really funny, but for some reason I stood there holding the mic-stand in one hand and the mic in the other, it felt more like a weapon than a comedic prop. The set finished up better than it started but it was nothing to write home about. Fortunately, as the tech savvy person I am, I generally e-mail home instead of writing.

The point of all this is, that the beauty of comedy is everytime you think you've got it, you suddenly lose it, only to get it back again. I supposed it's like the Honky Tonk Man's quest for the WWF Intercontinental belt in that way.

I saw an old friend the other day who told me that he thinks "industry people" are becoming aware of Rubinville. As I say to everyone who talks about the industry, "What industry? The steel industry?"

Anyway, if you're reading this and you're from the industry, I can melt metal and make it into a horseshoe like nobody's business.

Well, maybe the horse's business, but nobody else's.

Did I use the apostrophe correctly in "else's" there. I'm not sure and it's making my brain hurt to think about. I feel an ache in my basal ganglia as I write this.

Okay, gotta prepare for my show tonight. Tonight's theme, "Not cracking under the pressure of a busted mic-stand..."

Mel Gibson isn't quite out of the woods just yet. Check out this clip of Dennis Leary up in the booth at a recent Red Sox game. Quite hilarious...

There's nothing like revenge killings when it comes to nature. In a strange turn of events, there has been a sudden rash in sting-ray murders in Australia. People are saying that it's locals taking out their anger on the sting-ray that killed Steve Irwin last week. By that logic I should be chopping down trees because of the time I fell out of the tree in the front of our house back in 1986. If only I could find my good axe.

I didn't catch George's big speech last night but I'm guessing that is was mostly same-old, same old. Fight them there before they get us here. If only I could find my good axe.

Have you heard about this teacher in Washington who won't shave his beard until we catch Osama? He's gonna really need some help trimming that thing by the time that happens. I sure hope I'll have found my good axe by then.

Oh, I should also mention that Golden Axe was one of my favorite games on Sega Genesis.

(Strange post, indeed...)

Amazing it was already five years ago. I'll be back tommorrow with the usual hilarity...

Damn, I'm good.

Only two days after writing about how Barbara seems "slow, out-of-touch and unamused," the ladies of The View spent several minutes discussing how Barbara should smile more. The way I see it, either I called her out on this, or someone else saw the same very obvious thing that I did. Either way, it was cringingly hilarious seeing her stretch to smile every three seconds during the show. And that's it for todays re-View.

The most noteworthy thing going on in the world today is that Tony Blair announced he's going to resign in a year. First Spain, then Italy, and now England have all voted out Bush's buddies. Osama is gotta be smiling in his cave somewhere with all this good news. I hope that at least it's really cold in there or that there's rats or something. Otherwise this war on terror thing is really going as poorly as those damn liberal freaks say it is.

Anyone else not give a flying you-know-what about the ABC September 11th movie? Democrats are in an uproar about it, but if you really watch network dramas for your factual news then you are an idiot. Come to think of it, if you watch network news for your news you also are an idiot.

Fortunately, I know you aren't an idiot, because you get your news here at Rubinville which is the most non-idiotic place in the galaxy.

I like that. It's officially our new slogan...

Rubinville: The Most Non-Idiotic Place in the Galaxy