I'd like to take this time to announce that I'm am absolutely, positively, completely, whole-heartedly, over-the-top in love with Katie Holmes. Over the next few weeks I plan on going from talk show to talk show to announce my love and it will culminate on an appearance on Oprah where I will prance around the stage and throw my fists in the air as if I am a complete lunatic.

Oh wait, that's not me, that's Tom Cruise. And he isn't actually in love he is just promoting War of the Worlds, while Katie promotes Batman. I get so confused sometimes.

President Bush announced today that the US will give the Palestinians 50 million dollars in direct aid. The Palestinians in turn promiosed not to begin suicide bombings until the check clears.

If one more person sends me an e-mail about how to get a free iPod I'm going to shoot someone.

If you want me to have an iPod so badly, just buy me one.

My basketball team is going into the final week of the season with first place already locked up, so we'll probably rest our starters and let the bench guys get some valuable minutes before the playoffs begin in two weeks. The only problem with that is that we only have 6 players, which means that the one bench guy better be trying pretty damn hard.

We're doing a showcase at Comedy Company on Tuesday, May 31st, to showoff some of the hard work and hilarity that we've all been working on this whole time. If you wanna come by and laugh drop me an e-mail. Or send a carrier pigeon, whatever is easier.

For all my insomniac fans...

You can catch me on the radio tonight live on WOR 710 am on the Joey Reynolds Show. You can also listen online at http://www.wor710.com/listen.shtml. I'll be on from 2 am until whenever they kick me out. Usually that's right after I get bleeped the second time.

In other news, I am now dating Katie Holmes and I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, in LOVE. I'm so in love that I'm going to go on Oprah and humiliat emyself by jumping around and pounding my fist like a 15 year old.

Oh wait, that's not me, that's Tom Cruise. And he's not actually in love, he's just promoting War of the Worlds. Sorry, I get confused sometimes.

A short time ago, in a galaxy close, close to here...

War! A ruthless dictator, SADAAM HUSSEIN has been overthrown. The President GEORGE BUSH, despite being confused, continues to lead the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. The country finds itself at crossroads as it tries to figure out it's destiny as either of promotor of democracy or an evil dictatorship. One comedian, DAVE RUBIN, toils away night after night trying to find the truth and use his sense of humor to crack-up the masses...

Okay, folks, I'm running out of time before I can talk about Star Wars anymore so cut me a lil slack.

I saw the movie again with my roomate and another friend. Surprisingly, my roomate, who is more of a sports guy than a fantasy/sci-fi guy actually loved it. He's been humming the Star Wars theme song non-stop and his inner nerd has never been stronger.

Getting away from Star Wars for a moment, I'm watching The View, and Star Jones is LIP SYNCING the song "I Will Always Love You". This is truly a television low. A host of a show, is lip syncing a song instead of a guest lip syncing. Truly terrible, this is.

Okay, that's it for Yoda-speak.

My basketball team is now 6-1 and in first place going into the last week of the regular season. We played perhaps our best game of the season last night and even though I only had 9 points, I had a big hustle play at the end to save a ball from going of bounds. I haven't hustled like that since I was dealing heroine in the late 80's.

Jay Leno is testifying in the Michael Jackson case today. I'd be okay if they put Leno in jail for bad comedy and then just threw the MJ case out the window.

Comedy Central has announced a new game show with Jeopardy wiz-kid Ken Jennings. Excuse me for a moment while I go murder a random person.

Oh, letter to Ellen from today...

Ellen,
I need a new pair of jeans but I'm not sure what brand to go with, any thoughts?

Dave

Alright, I think that's it for today, I've gotta get out there and do important things.

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT EPISODE III SPOILER INFO...

After waiting on line outside for an hour, and then about another hour standing on line inside, and then finally 2 more hours sitting in the seat waiting, I watched Episode III last night at 12:01 am.

Actually, it was a bit after that because they now show us commercials before previews and then previews and previews and previews and previews. The low light of the preview's was that somehow "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" got shown twice, back to back. You can imagine the chrous of boo's when the second one started. Jedi and Droid heckled the screen in unison.

As for the movie, it was pretty great. Since I'm not an official movie critic, I think the phrase "pretty great" sums it up and I won't write some wordy Yoda-speak sentence like everyone else is doing.

However, I will do an impression of Yoday having sex...

"Going to come, I am!"

Moving right along, I think George Lucas should really feel good about how he was able to tie everything together in this movie. The Jedi being slaughtered was probably the biggest highlight, but the fact that you can see so many lightsaber battles over and over without them getting boring might be the most amazing feat of the series.

My friend Brian brought up a good point that perhaps another way that Anakin would fall into poor graces with the Jedi Council (and thus turn to the Dark Side), would be if they had found out he was married to Padme, and then forced him to choose between being a Jedi or being with the woman he loved.

Not sure if anyone else brought that twist up, but it's more impressive when I tell you that Brian is an actuary, which is a profession specifically known for their lack of imagination.

The overall graphic nature of the fighting; Count Dooku being beheaded, Mace Windu sucked out the window, and Anakin losing both his legs, all added to the overall feeling of doom that this movie was all about. Despite some corny dialogue from Padme and Anakin, overall the movie felt fresh and crisp and the last hour was as intense and action-packed as anything I can think of.

Good work George Lukas. Now please start working on Episodes 7-9. If you don't, I'm gonna have to make up some stuff, and it's probably gonna include Chewbacca being shaved. I don't think anyone wants to see that.

At 12:01 am tonight yours truly will be turning to the Dark Side at the premiere of Revenge of the Sith. I'm actually considering getting some sort of costume and going as "Darth Comicus".

Sportscenter did a piece where they sent anchor Kenny Mayne to a Star Wars convention to make fun of all the fans. Let me say this - Fantasy nerds, be it Star Wars, Star Trek or Dungeons and Dragons - Are simply better people, and dare I say less nerdy. than sports nerds. Sports nerds know only about sports and nothing else. They can rifle off baseball stats like a droid, but they can't play sports, and usually have trouble getting up off the couch without assistance. Fantasy nerds have come together after being ridiculed by cool people for years, and thus there is a real sense of community.

On an unrelated note, several people have come to Rubinville after searching the words "cats anus" on Google. I guess my grandma isn't the only person out there with cat anus issues.

Okay, that's it for this entry because I've got a lot to do today in preperation for the premiere tonight. Actually, I'm meeting Count Dooku and Darth Tyranus for lunch in a few minutes.

Yes, that's obviously a joke. We all know Count Dooku and Darth Tyranus are the same person!!

I can't get anything by you people. Good work.

Hoooo purrrr, hoooo purrrr, hoooo purrr, hooooo purrrr, hooooo purrrr....

No, that isn't the sound of a slutty cat, it's Darth Vader breathing, the only way I could figure out how to type it.

Yup, Star Wars comes out this week and I'm anxiously awaiting the midnight premiere. I've actually stopped playing the videogame because I don't want to ruin the movie. These are the type of decisions you make in life that define you as a human being. Or a droid.

So apparently Dave Chappelle has gone nuts and is in a mental institution in South Africa. It just goes to show that the pressures of comedy can crack anyone. Actually, I went crazy about 2 months ago, but I can't afford the flight to South Africa, so I'm just pretending to be sane until JetBlue adds a South Africa line.

"Everybody Loves Raymond" officially ends tonight which leaves a hole in CBS's lineup. Rumor has it that they will fill a spot with a reality show called, "Nobody Watches Sitcoms".

I accidently just flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet this morning. Keep that quiet or there might be riots in Patterson, New Jersey.

Great shows over at Comedy Company this weekend. I did about almost an hour on Saturday night, which 40 were very good, 5 confusing, 10 troubling, and 5 me just sitting on stage crying.

Just found out that today is Bea Arthur's 83rd birthday...

Happy Birthday, Bea. Hopefully Shady Pines isn't in your future anytime soon.

Sorry for the lack of posting the last few days, I've been really feeling it on stage lately and sometimes when that happens the need to write becomes less important. However, since I know how important these updates are to the millions looking to avoid work, here I am, back, and ready to rock.

Speaking of ready to rock, the Rolling Stones are going on tour again which means by law I have to make a joke about how old they look. So, here we go...

The Rolling Stones are going back on tour to the delight of many of their fans. Unfortunatley, none of the fans who saw the original tour are still around because it was just after the earth cooled.

(Yea, that wasn't particularly good, but I just woke up, and I only even told that joke because of contractual purposes, not the constant desire to be funny that I normally live with.)

I just realized that my opening statement on this Daily Dave somehow implies that when I write a lot on here that somehow I'm not feeling funny, which isn't the case. Basically, it's just been really nice out the pat few days so I've been outside instead of hiding in my cave writing and memorizing ESPN.com.

Ellen letter of the day...

Ellen,
You showing your prom picture just reminded me of my prom. At mine, I was about to have sex for the first time but then the OJ Simpson car chase happened and it blew the whole thing. Sucks, right?

Dave

That's is pretty much a true story, by the way. I think it all truthfullness, that we were going to have sex but I somehow screwed it up and then blamed OJ. It was also game 6 of the Knicks-Rockets NBA Finals. Remember Olajuwon's finger just nipping that 3 point shot by John Starks?

Macaulay Culkin has testified that Michael Jackson didn't molest him. You know you're a child molester when they have to bring in one kid just to say he DIDN'T get molested. Actually, rumor has it that Michael tried to molest Macaulay on many occasions but Macaulay always had an elaborate series of traps set-up and Michael would get a bowling ball dropped on his head or slip on a bunch of marbles.

Fighting Count Dooku in Episode III on PS2 right now. I haven't been able to beat him, but I always crack a smile in the middle because "dooku" sounds so much like "dooki".

We'll start with the Ellen letter of the day...

Ellen,

I've noticed you're big on making people's dreams come true. Well, last night I had a dream that I was swimming in chocolate and started drowning until Batman arrived and saved me. Can you make that happen for me in real life?

Dave

Ellen has yet to respond but I'm sensing a chink in her armor and I think the response is comig soon.

Wanna give a big thanks to Christie of www.allthingschristie.com for getting me the Star Wars Episode III Video Game on PS2. Actually, she got me "Dead or Alive" for X-Box, but I exchanged it for Star Wars. Last night I destroyed more droids than even that time I was in middle-school and the building got overrun by evil robots. I, of course, saved the day, though I let all the math teachers get slaughtered.

There is a new trend going around with people marrying themselves. Yup, thats right, people actually having some sort of ceremony to announce to everyone that they love themself and that being single is as dignified as being in a relationship. Now, as a single person, I kind of like the idea because I could use some of the gifts, but what kind of liberal-crapola is this? Marrying yourself? You know what, if you're that lonely, stop crying, take your paxil , and get outside and make a friend. Oh, and e-mail me, I'm so lonely.

That was a joke. I instant message with various friends and fans thoughout the day, thank you very much.

Arianna Huffington has teamed with AOL and launched her own blog which will publish the blogs of other celebrities. Great, more self-absorbed, myiopic crap from celbebrities who already have a platform to have people hear their narcassistic view of the world. That's exactly what we need.

"But Dave, you are a blogger, how can you say such a thing?"

Good point. However, I'm not a celebrity (believe it or not), so this is my only way to vent otherwise I'd start mailing bombs around the country.

That was a also a joke. I don't want the FBI all over me now. As you know the FBI is always checking Rubinville to find out the goings-on in the world.

For the first time in the history of whatever it is I do here, I've written a guest column on someone else's blog. Check it out at www.andrewtavani.blogspot.com.

I assume I'll be asked to write for various other high-profile websites now, so hopefully that won't affect my Daily Dave duties.

Here's my letter to Ellen for today...

Ellen,
I scored 22 points last night and my team is now 4-0 in our basketball league. That's not a question, just thought you'd like to know.

Dave

Mother's Day on Sunday. I was going to get my mom a pass to a day spa, but then yesterday I got a call and apparently she's been kidnapped by a group of international ninja's so I'll have to spend the weekend trying to save her. The same thing happened three years ago, so it's not a big deal really. However, I am looking for a sidekick for the adventure, so if you're interested just e-mail me.

New York City is expected to have a 3.2 billion dollar surplus this year. Clearly, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg shouldn't be a politician. He's fixed the budget, crime is down, the city is cleaner, and quality of life is rising. As a comic this really pisses me off. There's nothing funny when things are going well. Damn you Bloomberg!

Starbucks just pulled the latest Bruce Springsteen CD out of it's stores because the lyrics are "too racy." Instead they are going with a Marilyn Manson compilation.

NBC announced 6 reality shows for this coming summer. They are, in no particular order...

The Biggest Loser - See a fat loser become a slightly less fat loser.
Average Joe 4 - See an average loser belittled by hot, attention-starved women.
I Want to Be a Hilton - Paris' mother is the host, and I assume she sucks off the contestants.
The Law Firm - Watch real lawyers bicker. Yay!
Meet Mister Mom - Over-worked mothers are sent on vacation and Dad runs the house. Scary.
Tommy Lee Goes to College - Another washed up muscian with a show. Hallelujah!

Yea, folks, TV is making a comeback. Sadly it's a comeback to 2004.

Here's my e-mail of the day to Ellen...

Ellen,

I see you had Betty White on the show today. I didn't see it but I was wondering if you asked her if she moved back to St. Olaf or stayed in Miami after the Golden Girls ended.

Dave

The Yanks continue to suck and now have benched my all-time favorite baseball player, Bernie Williams. I thought about calling WFAN radio today, but then I realized I just don't care that much.

American Idol contestant Corey Clark claims he had an affair with Paula Abdul. As long as people are coming clean about this type of stuff I want to admit to an affair I had. It was 1984, I was eight years old, and I had an affair with vice-presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro.

Whoa, it feels good to finally say that.

Ahhhhh, Monday morning.

Just had a full staff meeting with all the workers here at Rubinville, they're all clamoring for health insurance and a 401k plan, but to me, just getting to work in entertainment should be enough. So, they will continue to get nothing and like it.

Here's today's email that just sent Ellen Degeneres...

Ellen,
Do you think that drinking Orange Juice with extra vitamins in it, like Tropicana's Immunity Defense Orange Juice is really worth it?
Thanks.

Dave

So the missing bride was found, not dead, or even kidnapped or harmed in any way, she just got cold feet and ran away. That's just wonderful, we're all very happy, so can someone please tell CNN and Foxnews and the rest of them that this story is no longer news! Nothing happened!!She's okay!!! She took a bus ride to Vegas!!!! If I took a bus ride to Vegas I don't think it'd be on the front page of cnn.com!!!! Stop the madness!!!!!

(Note the extra exclamation point added in per sentence in that paragraph, I don't know if that's ever been done before.)

It would still be a story if she were decapitated or kidnapped and thrown in the bottom of a well in a transexual's house were he made her put lotion on because he was eventually going to skin her to make a woman costume. That, and that alone would be news. Where is Clarice Starling when you need her?

Looking into buying midnight tickets for Star Wars Episode III. I've gone to midnight showings of the other two so this seems like the right thing to do. I just hope I can get my Bobba Fett costume dry cleaned in time.