I'm bringin' sexy back...

(More later, for now just enjoy the view.)

Blogger is going nuts today. Hang tight...

Well, well, well...

Yesterday was the most hits ever at Rubinville, which is quite ironic because on Monday I said that I would show a shirtless picture of myself if I got five requests to do so. Only three such requests came through (from my three favorite ladies, btw), yet more people than ever swung by yesterday to look around.

Well, well, well, well, well...

Well, we didn't get quite enough votes to see me shirtless so instead here's a picture of the lagoon behind my grandma's condo. Sexy, ain't it?

Just saw the new Christopher Guest movie, For Your Consideration. While it wasn't my favorite of his flicks, it was a really good send-up of the nonsense that is Hollywood. Thank god I'm not in the business.

I'm having some lower back pain today. Anyone got a non-drug related recommendation?

Okay, I'm done for today. Upsetting, I know...

Dave on the beach. Try it, you'll like it.

(If there are enough requests I might go as far as to post a shirtless picture. If you haven't seen one before, there is nothing quite like a shirtless comedian.)

So Florida was a great trip. I went with my buddy Jon, who has been my best friend since 5 years old. His son just turned 6, which was quite a trip for my mom, because she remembers Jon and I playing Star Wars together at that age.

We were on Sanibel Island, which is a little island off the west coast of Florida that is fairly remote and has only one traffic light. It's a lot like Fox's Temptation Island, just with more old people. Basically, all we did was chill at the beach and pool all day. That, and eat, drink and eat and drink. FYI, Grouper is my new fish of choice, blackened in particular, though you can go ahead and have it any way you like.

Naturally, we talked about all kinds of stuff, and as Jon said, we solved the world's problems many times over. I'll be writing an essay on the solution in the coming months, title TBA.

If you can think of a better title than TBA, I'm open to suggestions.

And now to Cosmo Kramer. The short of it is that it's hard to say exactly what went down that night without seeing the heckling that was going on before his outburst. However, you can see him go down that slippery slope that comics too often fall into where funny and edgy is overshadowed by dark and racist. Ironically, a black comic could literally, and I mean literally, say anything about white people and it'd be fine, but I don't feel like opening that can of worms at the moment. Clearly, Michael Richards has some major issues, and racism doesn't just appear out of nowhere, but more than anything else I can't figure out how someone just loses it like that. Especially if that someone who has millions of dollars in the bank. If anything, I should be te one having meltdowns everynight, not Kramer.

Speaking of meltdowns, I gotta prepare for my gig tonight...

Ya, you've all seen it a thousand times, but it is obviously deserving of a looksie and discussion now that I'm back...



Thoughts on this, plus a Florida recap in a bit. Now admit it, you missed me...

In a sudden, unexpected move, I'm going to Florida in a few hours. I'll be gone until next Wednesday and can't promise a post from down there, but hey, you never know. Good luck without me...

The murderer pictured above is coming out with a new book titled, "If I Did It."

Seems like the editor should've pushed for him to drop the "If" part.

(Interesting sidenote, I had sex for the first time during OJ's car chase. True story.)

Here's the guy I'll be voting for in 2008. Well, that is unless I decide to run myself, but at the moment I'm leaning against it for various personal reasons.

So, this post marks my 600th here at The Daily Dave. It has been quite a ride hasn't it? We've come all the way from a time when I couldn't even post pictures and had a ton of spelling errors to a time when I can sometimes post pictures and only have occcasional spelling errors. I can only imagine where will be 600 post from now. If my plan goes accordingly, I'll have someone else doing all my writing by then and I'll be living in a space capsel hurling towards Vega at the speed of light.

A bunch of Iraqi terrorists/freedom fighters/guerillas/gorillas/monkeys/whatever we refer to them as now kidnapped and then released a whole group of people today. That's good/bad/confusing/confounding/redundant to hear, ain't it?

I just read that Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight smacked one of his players the other day. I haven't seen the video yet, but isn't that why they hired him in the first place? It was either to smack players or to throw chairs at officials, I forget which one.

Kinda in the mood for some cookies, see ya later...

Okay, just one more Borat related post.

I don't want to give anything away so I won't get into specifics, but the movie managed to be utterly hilarious while at the same time being edgy and uncompromising. So much of the watered-down crap we get on TV and the at the movies is so completely the opposite of that and somehow that fact made everything even funnier. For me, it not only was enjoyable, but also inspiring because it reminded me that there's room for some good stuff in the ocean of crapola that we're out to sea in.

Blah, blah, Dave, we've heard it all before.

Yes, you have, though I'd appreciate a little more patience from you, thank you very much. My point here, and there is one, is that I have a lot of things, both written and performed that I don't bring here to Rubinville. There are a couple reasons for this, the first being that so much stuff is stolen from the internet.

There, I said it, things are actually stolen from the internet. Hard to believe, I know.

Secondly, despite the well-placed PayPal button and the DaveStore, I do this for free. I literally haven't made a cent from this in almost 4 years and 598 postings. (I did make a couple bucks from Google AdSense awhile back, but took down the ads before I had made enough to cash in.) So, while there is nobody putting a gun to my head right now, it seems a little crazy for me to put my best material or jokes or thoughts up on the web for nothing.

This all got me thinking about something. I love stand-up and I love writing this and I love working on projects that combine those loves, but I want you to know that there's more coming. I'll be doing my one-man show for the first time in December. I've written a book that eventually will get published once I can figure out the ending. And, perhaps most ambitiously, I am building a spaceship out of used Nintendo systems.

Now, if I could just make a dime off of any of this...

Funniest movie I've ever seen.

Are we agreed?

Just read that Jack Palance passed away today. The only things I remember him from were City Slickers (Billy Crystal's best flick) and from his pushups at the 1991 Oscars. Despite my limited knowledge of his work, he struck me as one cool, old dude. So long cowboy.

(I just realized that you could argue that When Harry Met Sally was Billy Crystal's best movie, but this isn't really about Billy, it's about Curly and the legend of his gold...)

I've been watching Borat on The Tonight Show for the past 10 minutes or so and I just want to reiterate what a genious Sascha Baron Cohen is. I haven't seen the movie yet, but he is so utterly and completely upstaging Leno that it is simply priceless. Borat is relevant, funny and edgy, and Jay, is, well, not.

NBC, I'm still waiting for the call...

I know that George has already selected someone as the new Secretary of Defense, but I'd still like to nominate General Grievous for the position. If you thought Rumsfeld was scary (and not just because he looks like Skeletor), Grievous will make you poop in your shoes. Not only does he have 4 mechanical arms and a really mean looking face, but he was also trained in the Jedi arts by Count Dooku himself. And, until the battle on Upatau, the guy led one heck of a Droid Army. You can still reconsider, George.

So the Dems are in the House, which I'm sure will also be the title of a movie staring either Steve Martin or Robin Williams within the next few months. We'll see if anything changes, though it should be kept in mind that these are politicians, not people who are really good at changing anything. I'll give the Dems a few weeks to get their shiznit together before I start attacking, so enjoy it while you can Nancy Pelosi and Co.

Michael Jackson has just announced that he'll be performing Thriller in a comeback show in London at the World Music Awards. Of course, this time around he'll be playing one of the zombies.

(Ya, that'll be on Leno and/or Letterman tonight, but just remember where you heard it first.)

Oh, one more thing for now. I just stopped by H&H Bagels because it is raining and I didn't want to walk over to Hot 'N Crusty despite their crustier, fluffier bagels. I was shocked and appauled to see that H&H is now charging $1.10 for a single bagel. If the Democrats really want a place to start change, I'd recommend the corner of 80th and Broadway...

Another pic as promised...

That's right, I voted for John Spencer instead of Hillary Clinton. I'm pretty sure that John Spencer is the actor from West Wing who died about a year ago, but I still felt he was the way to go.

By the way, is it even legal to take a camera into a voting booth? I felt so naughty while taking the pictures.

For the purposes of full-disclosure, I voted Democratic all the way except for Hillary. I just don't like a carpet-bagger. Speaking of which, I've even heard rumors that she's a carpet-muncher.

More important that all this nonsense is that I just heard Brittney Spears is getting divorced from that talentless moron. Well, I'll be damned, I didn't even know she was married to Carson Daly...

I swear my arm really isn't that hairy and that my hand isn't really that white. Nonetheless, that is me pulling the lever just minutes ago. Let's all be mature and not imply anything sexual about lever pulling.

More coming soon. Let's all be mature and not imply anything sexual about coming soon...

As a precursor to the type of emotion that no politician will publicly show tonight after losing, enjoy this video of Faith Hill at the Country Music Awards last night. She's all class...



So, here we are, election day. I'm hearing that the new electronic voting machines are already screwing up in various places and that several machines have actually revolted and are taking hostages. After I post this I'm going to head over to my polling station and see what's what. I'll try to take a picture with my camera phone once I'm in the booth, though if the machine is angry it might be tough to do.

Okay, I've got my bottle of water (the natural enemy of democracy), and I've got my phone, so it's time to be part of the process. I'll return with a full report...

Once again having a problem with pictures, so instead of the picture I intended enjoy this 12 kilobyte bowtie.

So, my bro's wedding was this weekend. It was really a great time, perhaps the best time that my family has ever had together, and while that may have been because of the top-shelf open-bar, I think it's still worth noting.

Beth and Jonathan both performed at the highest possible levels that a bride and groom can be expected. There was a rumor that my brother even got into "the zone" while dancing at one point, but i can't confirm that first-hand.

Before I get to my speech, I'll tell you about the biggest laugh I got the whole night, which came while walking down the aisle. As you know, normally walking down the aisle is a calm, beautiful, peaceful moment. When I do it, however, shinanigans are sure to ensue. What happened, and I did NOT plan it, was as I walked down the aisle I realized that I was going kind of fast so I slowed down. Apparently, I slowed down in some sort of comical fashion because suddenly 300 people were laughing. Feeling the crowd wanting more I began to wave and give the thumbs-up and victory sign. By the time I made it to the end of my walk I thought I was going to get a standing ovation. It never came but the whole thing certainly set a fun tone throughout the ceremony.

I guess it's my life's curse, I just can't help but be funny. If I get clearance from the newlyweds I'll post the video up here as soon as I can.

The speech went well too, though if you ever give a best-man speech in your life I'd recommend not saying the word "penis." Sure, it'll get you a good laugh, but is your mother hiding her head in her soup something you want to deal with at a public funcion?

Now that it's over I suppose my family will go back to talking about things that we talked about before the engagement, though frankly I can't remember what they were. As for me, I'm available to walk down isles or give penis-free speeches whenever you need me...

I'm sure you've seen this before, but it bares watching one more time before you see it a hundred more times before the election.

John Kerry, the extraordinarily boring, uncharismatic, Frankenstien-like loser, has created a firestorm of controversy with this one joke. Clearly, his attack was meant to hit Bush, and not the troops, but if you don't know how to deliver a joke, well then just don't try it. (That goes for you too, Carlos Mencia.)

As the pundits go back and forth yammering about how this will help the Republicans, I think that it's just more fodder for CNN and Foxnews to try to get ratings. Nobody cared what John Kerry said two years ago, and nobody cares now. Go away John, go far, far away. Go back to the labratory where they assembled you from old, dead politicians.

I've got a big weekend ahead of me as my younger brother is getting married. I'll be delivering the best man speech and though I've done thousands of comedy shows, somehow this seems like more pressure than any of them. You think I can bring another comic to warm-up the crowd? He could do some light crowd-work, just to get 'em loose before I bust out the controversial stuff.

As I'm writing this I just saw an awful commercial for Ned Lamont where a bunch of old people are bad-mouthing Joe Lieberman while playing cards. Old people don't talk politics while playing cards, they talk about their medications and the early-bird special. Considering we all know that Joe Lieberman has always voted against the early-bird Ned should be attacking that, not Joe's stance on Iraq.

Got it Ned?

Okily dokily...

The look on Dave's face sums up my feelings about a picture finally appearing here. Nonetheless, it's here and I'll consider it a small miracle.

I had a dream last night that I was booked on Dave's show and he kept bringing out crappy act after crappy act in front of me. I can't remember any of the performers specifically, and I don't even remember if they were comedians, but I remember cringing as he kept introducing one after the other to the audience. In a cruel twist of deeply-disturbing psycological sarcasm, the show ends right before Dave is about to announce my name. The industry even screws me in my dreams.

What could all subconscious drivel actually mean? I offer some options...

1. I fear success.

2. I fear not having success

3. My imaginary manager is an idiot and should've booked me on a show with less guests.

4. I'm not ready to hit the big-time.

5. The big-time doesn't even exist, it's just a figment of my imagination.

6. Dave knows I'm his eventual successor and doesn't want to let America see me just yet.

Those are the options I've come up with, though I'm sure I'm leaving out several good, perhaps more relevant ones. Any dream analysts reading today???

Damn you Bill Gates...

I downloaded the newest Internet Explorer, version 2.0495.4881.43, and now not only can't I get pictures to post, but I'm getting popups for Adultfriendfinder.net everytime I visit a new website.

I'll post whenever the problems resolves itself. In the meantime, I have a few new friends I need to get to know...