BOO!

Did I scare ya?

Yea, I'm quite the haunter.

Halloween is just hours away and I am preparing accordingly by getting ready to gawk at the freaks parading the streets. This is in no way different than my normal day of gawking at the freaking parading the streets, though on this one day I'm allowed to point and comment without the threat of being assaulted. It's what Halloween is all about.

I'm guessing that the big cryptic costume of the year will be Steve Irwin complete with sting-ray barb potruding from his chest. I'll count how many of those I see, and I'll make note of anything even more tasteless.

I brought Emma (my dog) over to a friends apartment today and literally within 15 seconds of being there she peed on the carpet. Febreeze really is a great, great product.

Did I really need to put "my dog" in parenthesis in that sentence? As if you'd think I had a friend Emma who pees on carpets. I apologize for thinking so little of you.

I'm watching a Six Feet Under repeat on the Bravo network. Commercials can somehow make brilliant things seem less brilliant.

The election continues to creep up on us like a meaningless event that will change the country in no significant way. I just can't decide whether to hack into an electronic voting machine to fix the election or to just pour water on the screen and fry the freaking thing. I'm leaning towards pouring the water, if for no other reason than to prove my theory that water is the natural enemy of democracy.

All this writing has gotten me parched. You'll have to excuse me, I need a glass of communism...

I haven't been kind to the morons over at NBC over the years, but today I'd like to offer them some accolades. My people are telling me that Studio 60 will be cancelled any day now, and for that, I humbly thank the braintrust over at the Peacock network.

Now go ahead and cancel 30 Rock and I'll be willing to talk to you guys again.

So NBC, do we have deal or no deal?

Caught Madonna chatting it up with Oprah about her adopted baby yesterday. I don't care enough about the whole thing to make any specific comment about it, but I do think Madonna made once crucial error. There are so many children right here in America that need adoption, why go all the way to Africa? Let's not forget the children right here at home. And that is precisely why I offer myself to Madonna...

Adopt me, Madonna. Please. I'll move to London. I'll develop a fake British accent. I'll study Kabbalah. I'll even learn to do that hand thing that you do in "Hung Up."

(I only know about the hand thing because the video is always playing at the gym, not for any other reason that someone would know something like that.)

The big mid-term elections are coming up in less than two weeks. I'm voting facsist all the way. That's the direction it's all going anyway, so why not be ahead of the curve?

That reminds me of a joke I used to do about how voting machines don't actually register your vote, instead all that happens when you pull the lever is that it opens the curtain to make you feel good about yourself. I guess I can't do that bit anymore thanks to the new electronic voting machines. As if it isn't bad enough that they're all going to be hacked into allowing for massive voting fraud, now they're also ruining my old jokes. Progress is a real bitch.

Just saw a commercial for the $5.95 soup, salad and breadsticks lunch at the Olive Garden. Is there any chance that deal applies in NYC? I'd guess it's closer to $59.95 here.

No new info on the Transformers Movie, though I did register with Michael Bay's website as to be able to post on his message boards. Strangely, they haven't authorized me to post yet. Suppressing dissent, Michael? It didn't work for Megatron and it won't work for you.

Feel free to dissent yourself into oblivion here at Rubinville, the facists haven't taken over here...yet...

Watch me bring this one around...

I mentioned awhile back how over the past year or so that the bagels at H&H (a NYC institution) have consistently gotten worse, while the prices have consistently gotten higher. At the same time, Hot 'N Crusty, just a few blocks away, always makes a great bagel and are only 75 cents compared to to a full dollar at H&H.

Dave, why are you explaining the bagel-economics of the Upper West Side?

Well, good man, I'm doing so because as of today Hot 'N Crusty raised their CPB (cost per bagel) to 80 cents. You might think that this would haven angered me, but nope, they make a good product at a fair price, and I'm happy to pay the extra nickel. It just goes to show that people don't mind paying a little more when you are offering a good product at a fair price. Of course if they go to 85 cents I'll picket that place til the cows come home.

And now to Cosmo Kramer...

I was watching Seinfeld last night and it was an episode that I had completely forgotten about, the one where Kramer gets a job at H&H Bagels because they finally raise the pay to a level he's willing to work at. Of course, the pay they are offering is only minimum wage, but Kramer takes the job anyway. It's one of those episodes that they don't show that often in reruns though considering the bagel pricing wars these days it is still very relevant.

It makes me wonder if Kramer ever even tried to get a job at Hot 'N Crusty. I bet they pay more despite their cheaper, yet fairly priced bagels.

Alright, now let's get away from bagels for a bit and list all of the cheating baseball players currently in the World Series...

Kenny Rogers.

Whoa, I didn't intentionally do it, but to bring all this around, I'm reminded of another episode of Seinfeld when Kramer and Jerry switch apartments because of the bright red light emminating from the Kenny Rogers Roasters downstairs. If they had only known Kenny Rogers was a cheater, I bet the whole episode would've been different.

Yea, that's what I bet. You could say I'm quite the gambler. Much like one Kenny Rogers.

Holy shmoly, I brought it around again! Butter me up, cuz I'm on a roll! Much like the delicious rolls at Kenny Rogers Roasters!

(Ya, lil too much coffee this morning...)

Here's the first four minutes of Borat's new movie. Hey, if you don't have anything funny to say just find something on YouTube...

I may or may not have used this image before. If I have, take it up with the legal department...

NBC announced today that it will cutting about 600-800 jobs due to poor performance of the television division. Let me be the first (or zillionth) to say how utterly absurd this is. Yes, you could probably fire 50-60 percent of the people in the TV biz and things wouldn't operate any slower. Actually, in many cases, things would operate a lot better. The problem here though is that the people about to get fired were only doing, or not doing, exactly what they were told to by their higher-ups. Thus, the guy who needs to get canned, who's salary probably isn't far off than most of those people's combined, is Jeff Zucker, the head of entertainment.

Dave, what kind of lame-brain comic would go on record calling for the firing of a major television powerhouse? And, come to think of it, didn't you call for his firing over a year ago?

The answers to those rather insightful questions are that I am just lame-brained enough to do it, and yes, I already did it over a year ago when NBC was in slightly less of a mess than it is in now.

This all reminds me of a time a few months back when I was standing next to Jeff Zucker at an undisclosed location and was tempted to introduce myself. I never made my move, partly because I didn't have anything nice to say, though moreso because he had a lot of neck hair and some of it was coming out of the collar of his shirt. It was a very disturbing sight, one which begs for another question to be answered...

If you can't control the hair coming out of your shirt, how can you control an entire prime-time lineup?

Tonight Show here I come...

It's time for a little urban renewal in Rubinville...

You'll notice that we've put up a Commerce section over in the right hand column. In it you'll be able to either donate some money to Rubinville via Paypal, or you can purchase items from Amazon through the Dave Store. I've chosen to go with this route rather than ads directly on the site because I find they take up too much space and often offer little return. After 575 posts I'm obviously not doing this for money, but a little extra something, you know, to fix the roads and keep the lights on, certainly would be appreciated.

That's all for money-talk, it always gets awkward, doesn't it?

In other news, there was some screaming in the hallway yesterday and it turned out to be an old man yelling at the super because our heat hasn't been turned on yet. They were yellign in Spanish so I can't give much mroe detail than that, but at one point the old man grabbed a giant knife and started waving it at the super. The super then ran upstairs and grabbed a smaller knife and started waving it at the old man. Long story short, the cops showed up and calmer heads prevailed. It's nice to know that I have two potential murderers living in my building so in case another murderer breaks in I'll know who to call.

Saw the movie "The Departed" last night. Without giving anything away, it was a great flick with a totally surprising ending. Scorsese still knows how to make a solid movie, though I'd continue to rank Goodfellas as his best flick.

A good friend asked me yesterday if this whole Transformers dialogue thing really pissed me off as much as I made it seem on Monday. My answer went something like this...

"Look, I mean I could be pissed about the war in Iraq or being broke or not having a good manager, but instead of focusing on those, I just get pissed about things related to the Transformers Movie. Everyone deals with shit differently." He paused for a second and then said, "True."

The truth will set you free, folks...

Cyberton weeps today...

I'm going to try to take a humorous tone to this entry, as I like to do here on The Daily Dave, but Michael Bay and the rest of the ding-dongs in charge of the Transformers Movie are systematically destroying this thing each and every day. First, the released picture of Megatron looks nothing like Megatron. Second, we find out that Soundwave isn't even in the movie. And then, in a move that just reaks of desperation, they do a contest to have the fans write a line of dialogue for Optimus Prime. Despite my annoyance at this cheap ploy, I did write a line, which in case you forgot was...

"The difference between Autobots and Decepticons is that Autobots try to protect life while Decepticons try to rule it."

I went over to www.transformersmovie.com today and noticed that the voting has begun. The powers that be selected 100 finalists and the voting is in full swing. Surprise, surprise, my line isn't on there. I guess that's because there are some brilliant lines like these...

"Autbots transform, let's roll."

"Megatron must be stopped, no matter the cost."

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

"I must break you."

"It's clobbering time!"

"I'll be back."

"Do a barrell roll!"

"Never!!!!!!"

Oh, where do I start with this list? The first line was said in virtually every episode of the Transformers cartoon. The second line too, was taken directly from the original Transformers Movie from 1984. The third one is just idiotic. The fourth one was said by Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. The fifth one is the catch-phase of "The Thing" from Fantastic Four. The sixth is Arnold Schwarzenegger's most famous line. The seventh, I have no idea what it means. And the eighth, well, I'll give the guy credit for wisely using six exclamation points. Oh ya, there also was one other that caught my eye...

"The difference between the Decepticons and the Autobots is that we will repair the damage, they will leave the Earth in ruin."

That one, ironically, is also by someone named David, and while it isn't as catchy as mine, and he sort of says it backwards, he had the right idea.

I'm really not sure why I felt the need to write all this out, but I guess it just would've been nice to get my line in the top 100, or at least have been beaten by some clever or remotely original ideas.

Yea, I suppose that I'm a bit of a dreamer. Of course, Optimus Prime was a dreamer too, and he ended up having hack dialogue written for him in a movie that doesn't even have Soundwave in it.

Where is the justice???

Jason Vorhees, in honor of Friday the 13th.

I was thinking that this is a rare Friday the 13th in the month of October, which is clearly the most ghoulish and creepy month of the year. As you know, one thing that I'm not great with is numbers and I was trying to figure out how often it is that Friday the 13th lands in October. I've come up with several options, maybe you can help me out...

1. Once every 52 years because there is 52 weeks in a year.
2. Once every 13 years because it is on the 13th day of the month.
3. Once every 39 years because 52 minus 13 is 39.

I supposed that "year" could be swapped with "month" in any of those choices, but either way I still have no idea. You know Einstien couldn't tie his own shoes, so don't judge me, genious is a strange thing.

Big win by the Mets last night on the shoulders of Tom Glavine's seven shut-out innings. I've always liked old athletes who still bring it. That probably means I'll get my first HBO special when I'm 82, but that's better than never.

I didn't catch any of Diane Sawyer's interview with Mel Gibson, but I have read some of the transcript and I think that it is fair to say that he still is an alcoholic, opportunistic, narcissistic, racist, bunghole.

Yea, I said bunghole. Have a nice weekend...

Pictures are back in the house. And on the computer.

Yes, you're correct, that's me and comedy legend Jackie Mason. (FYI, we're both colorized much better in real-life.) We met up yesterday for a couple hours to talk about the biz, get to know one another, and do whatever else it is that comedians do during the day. Jackie, who has done about 400 Broadway shows and starred in one of my favorite movies, Caddyshack 2, was more than happy to talk to a young nobody and I was more than happy to babble endlessly, which he called me out on more than once.

Hopefully, we'll work together sometime soon, though if nothing else I think that this picture will get me a little credit with my family. Ya, I'm the point where I need photographic evidence to prove myself. That's normal.

You might be wondering where the original Caddyshack falls on my favorite movie list if Caddyshack 2 is up there. I'd say they are right next to each other, and it really only depends on my mood which one is before the other. It's much like whether I like a lot of mayo or a little mayo in my tuna on any given day. It's all about the mood.

Speaking of moods, I need to go buy some mayo...

I haven't forgotten about you kids, I just can't get pix to post and you know my policy on pic-less postings.

Technology has done nothing but frustrate and infuriate me. Blogging would've been a lot easier in the caveman days.

If only I had a time-machine to go back to the caveman days so that I wouldn't have to deal with technology. It'd all be so much easier that way...

You're looking at the cover-art for the Transformers Movie 20th Anniversary DVD that is coming out on November 4th. As I keep reading more and more about the upcoming live action movie I can't help but think that this movie from 1986 will be the best showing that the Autobots and Decepticons will ever have on the big screen. In a seemingly sure sign that the movie will dissapoint, the producers are doing a contest to have a fan write a single line of dialogue for Optimus Prime. That's pretty much the sure sign that Hollywood has officially given up when they are ask fans to write the lines for them. Why not have us do the special effects ourselves too? Nonetheless, as I'm tired of trying to fix Hollywood, I did submit a line...

"The difference between Autobots and Decepticons is that Autobots try to protect life while Decepticons try to rule it."

Pretty good, right? It's true to Optimus Prime while even saying a little something about the eternal battle that the Transformers are all about. Fans will be voting for the best submissions in a few weeks and I'll be sure to keep you posted.

As long as I'm doing some Transformers catching-up, I found out something very interesting at Wikopedia the other day. It turns out that the guy who did the voice of Starscream, Chris Latta, was a one-time stand up comic. Not only that, but he also did the voice of Moe the bartender in the first season of The Simpsons. I'd mention that he also was the voice of Cobra Commander in the GI Joe cartoon, but everyone knows that and I don't want to insult your intelligence.

If only Hollywood was as non-insulting as me. If only...

I had a thought...

So I did a catering gig last night and on my way home a little voice inside my head said that I should stop by the local comedy club a few blocks away from my apartment. I won't mention the name of the club, though you can probably figure it without much effort if you put some contextual clues together. Anyway, as I was approaching the club, I saw a guy slouched over the stairs of the building next-door while smoking a cigarette. The guy turned out to be a relatively famous comedian who I've talked to once or twice before for about ten seconds. We traded little pleasantries and then he went inside to perform. I couldn't help but think how depressed he seemed, despite the fact that as I mentioned, he's a relatively famous comic.

I bring this up because earlier in the day I had taken the train to Greenwich from Grand Central Station. Grand Central, like Penn Station, is filled with business people, each one usually looking more depressed than the one standing right next to them. Everytime I go to either station I am reminded of how badly I don't want to be one of these people, and then last night, I was reminded that I also don't want to be a comic slouched of some stairs smoking a cigarette before my next set.

I don't mean to pass judgement on the business people or the comic, but seeing each of them waiting, the business guys for the train, the comic for his set, made me realize even more how I shouldn't be waiting for anything. I should be doing something.

So, that's settles it. I'm going to become a business man with a sense of urgency. Now I just have to figure out what kind of business. Hmm. I'm thinking something with Pogs. Kids still like Pogs, right? Yes, that's it, I'll become a Pog salesman. How many cases can I put you down for?

As many of you know, my taping of VH1's Best Week Ever never actually aired, but it's nice to see that the people over there haven't totally forgotten about good old boy Dave Rubin. Someone just linked me to this...

http://www.bestweekever.tv/tag/Dave+Rubin

Somehow I think that Steve Guttenberg and I haven't crossed paths for the last time...

First Pedro is out, now El Duque is gone. I haven't pitched in almost three seasons, but when Willie Randolph calls you in a bind, you do what you gotta do. That being said, I'm heading out to Shea Stadium where I'll be the starting pitcher against the Dodgers tonight. Don't even bother watching the game or reading the boxscore, I'll just let you know how it went tommorrow.

Maybe I'll audioblog from the dugout...

If I was dead could I possibly know that the Yankees won tonight?

I think not...