I don't do this often (or ever), but I'd like to dedicate this post to my friend Ari, who helped out an old friend last night.

Ari, who is a doctor, got a call from me at about 1 a.m. desperately seeking his council. See, after a night of drinking I had heartburn that felt like a ball of fire was gonna burst through my chest. Well, that, or that an alien was about to make a guest appearance through my rib-cage. Even though he was on his nightly rounds, he took my call, asked me a couple questions, and told me what to buy at the drugstore. A bottle of Pepto Bismol and a couple Prilosec's later, the fire had been quelched into a small, controlled flame.

It made me think how nice it would be to have a skill that someone would need to call on at anytime. Yea, making people laugh is nice, but I don't think anyone has ever called a comedian at 1 in the morning in need of hearing an emergency joke. It'd be nice to be able to help someone like that. Maybe I should see if I can get an internship at that hospital that Patch Adams founded. What's it called, The Ha-Ha Institute? No, that's not it, I think that's a comedy club in Witchita, Kansas.

Anyway, thanks pal. Now if you could just give me some advice about my abnormally large penis...