I don't do this often (or ever), but I'd like to dedicate this post to my friend Ari, who helped out an old friend last night.

Ari, who is a doctor, got a call from me at about 1 a.m. desperately seeking his council. See, after a night of drinking I had heartburn that felt like a ball of fire was gonna burst through my chest. Well, that, or that an alien was about to make a guest appearance through my rib-cage. Even though he was on his nightly rounds, he took my call, asked me a couple questions, and told me what to buy at the drugstore. A bottle of Pepto Bismol and a couple Prilosec's later, the fire had been quelched into a small, controlled flame.

It made me think how nice it would be to have a skill that someone would need to call on at anytime. Yea, making people laugh is nice, but I don't think anyone has ever called a comedian at 1 in the morning in need of hearing an emergency joke. It'd be nice to be able to help someone like that. Maybe I should see if I can get an internship at that hospital that Patch Adams founded. What's it called, The Ha-Ha Institute? No, that's not it, I think that's a comedy club in Witchita, Kansas.

Anyway, thanks pal. Now if you could just give me some advice about my abnormally large penis...

I'm going to hunt down the NBC peacock and eat it for Thanksgiving dinner this year.

(I just deleted a four paragraph essay on why Last Comic Standing is horrific television but I'll leave you with the last line...)

And yes, I know that you don't eat peacock on Thanksgiving, but that's just how unrealistic this show is.

Life is an interesting thing.

I'm sad to report that Mrs. Pennyfeather passed away over the holiday weekend. Fittingly, she died on Memorial Day itself after living a life that was dedicated to fighting for the rights of goldfish all over the world. She passed before her time, and she will be missed.

The same day that Mrs. Pennyfeather died, the pigeon that was hatched and has since been living on my air-conditioner, flew away. For weeks I've been watching it grow and then suddenly without even saying goodbye, he fled from the comfortable confines of my A/C unit. It's really his loss though because I was gonna serve him Mrs. Pennyfeather with a side of couscous as a goodbye meal.

Come to think of it I don't know if pigeons even like couscous, so maybe the whole thing was in poor taste anyway.

The weekend was otherwise very good. Lotsa sun in Central park, some good comedy and a couple alcoholic beverages. Today, I'm back to my normal routine of darkness, poor comedy and non-alcoholic beer.

I just read that DC Comics is bringing back Batwoman for the first time since 1979. She'll make her return as a "lipstick lesbian." You know, it's nice of them to throw the community a bone, but frankly I think that crime-fighting lesbians have gone far too long without a proper role-model.

Time to go, but something hilarious happened to me at the Cingular store the other day and I think it's worthy of an audioblog. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't forget...

Believe it or not, that's Sideshow Bob, err, Kelsey Grammer, as Beast in X-Men III. I won't give away any plot-points here, but not to worry, Niles got killed in the first scene.

Overall, the movie was pretty solid. The story about the evils of government versus a select few good guys is something that always gets to me, and if they had been wire-taping the X-Men's phone lines the movie would've been basically a work of non-fiction. All the action sequences were special-effectalicious and there were even several mutant deaths, which was an unexpected and pleasantly dark surprise.

After the movie I began to think about what my mutant power would be if I had one, and I came to the conclusion that I'd like to be able to make people laugh until their head's explode. One time a woman did explode when I was on stage during a road gig, but I later found out that it was because she drank coke and ate Pop Rocks during my set.

In medical news, Mrs. Pennyfeather, my new goldfish, seems to be a little wobbly on her fins (that's fish medical-talk), so I've quarantined her in a small bowl and fresh water. Now all we can do is pray.

That's it for me, have a good three-day weekend you crazy party people...

Going to see X-Men III tonight at midnight. It's the third midnight showing of a movie that I'll have seen in my life, the other two being Star Wars Episodes II and III. Seeing as I'll turn 30 next month this is most likely the last time I'll be able to see a movie at midnight without being publicly ridiculed, so I plan making the most of it. While I doubt this will be as intense as the seeing the light-saber wielding fanatics at the Star Wars premieres, I'm at least hoping for a Nightcrawler look-a-like.

It should be noted that I never collected X-Men comic books during my two-year comic book run. I went strictly with Spider-Man, Bat-Man and GI Joe. I know many of you will find it hard to believe that The Transformers didn't make the cut, and I really don't remember the back-story on that. It couldn't have been a just a simple oversight, there had to have been a reason, I just don't remember. Lemme think about that and get back to you.

Alright, I gotta go, it takes almost two hours to get into my Colossus outfit...

Went into my dentist's office today and had a rather surreal moment. There, hanging with various other celebrities and personalities was a picture of yours truly. Yea, I had brought it in myself, it's not like he got it on Ebay, but it's still something. Not only was I on the wall, but I had prime spacing, right at eye level. I'd tell you some of the other famous names on the wall but I don't know if there is some kind of confidentiality thing I'd be breaking if I did that.

Anyway, it's the first time that I've had my picture hung anywhere besides a comedy club in the middle of nowhere, so it was kinda nice. Now I have to work on getting a picture hung up at the bodega downstairs or even my parents house.

Let's see what else? I just read that Taylor Hicks won American Idol. I suppose that's nice and all, but I didn't see his picture hanging up in my dentist's office. Score one for the comedian.

Tony Danza's last show is on Friday. I only catch a minute or two of the show once or twice a week but there is something about the guy that I really like. It's just sad that an 80's icon like Tony can't cut it in the daytime TV ratings. I mean, if someone like him can't hack it, how is Jeremy Miller gonna do it?

Think...

Think...

Think...

Okay, Okay, I won't make you Google it, Jeremey was Ben Seaver in Growing Pains.

Come to think of it, I didn't see his picture on my dentist's wall either. I really don't give myself enough credit...

Well, I've never been so offended.

I'm gonna be rampaging through various European cities with a bunch of friends to show my anger, anyone wanna come with?

Did some landscaping in Jersey this weekend. There's really nothing that'll make you feel like you're in Goodfella's more than digging a ditch in the Jersey suburbs. By the time we dug up the third body we just stopped removing them.

You might've noticed my lack of post yesterday. That was an intential non-post due to the fact that it's almost the summer, and during the summer I won't be posting every 7th Monday starting yesterday. That's unless I lose count, which will undoubtably happen by the end of the week.

From CNN.com's top stories today, "Dog fed beer, doughnuts too fat to walk." Good work Anderson Cooper.

Anyone planning on seeing Al Gore's movie about global warming? When ask if he'll see it President Bush said, "Doubt it." Ironically, that was the same answer he gave when asked if abortion will still be legal by the time his term is over.

I could've went several ways with that, but I haven't had a good anti-abortion joke in awhile.

Saw Finding Nemo for the first time over the weekend. Great flick. And to think it's based on a true story. Simply amazing.

That's it for now, I think I'll check in with an Audioblog from Central Park later this afternoon. Sit tight, my people...