In an ironic twist, The Daily Dave had it's most hits ever yesterday, on a rare weekday that I was unable to post. While I'm sure that there is some profound meaning to that, it made me want to thank some of the people who keep me wanting to write this. These are people who consistently, or pretty consistently, comment on my crazyness, and thus, give me a little more fuel to keep posting. Most of them I have never met, and some of them maybe not even exist. However, all of them are the characters in my own personal Springfield, and when I hit it big one day, I'll be sure to send them each a five dollar check.

So, they are, in no particular order...

Cinders, yb, Sherman, the Real Sherman, Lyndon, Brooke, Ed D, Andrew, Ari, Anonymous Angry Guy, Jen and Skeltor.

Yes, Anonymous Angry Guy only posted one thing, and it was rather hostile, but it taught me that my words alone can effect insane people, which is pretty cool. Skeletor also only posted once as well, but considering his busy schedule I thought a shout-out is appropriate.

Anyway, if I forgot anyone I apologize, but feel free to vent your hostility in the comments section. And to the people I listed, thanks for pushing me to keep doing this, because after the nuclear war of 2015, this'll be the only thing for the remaining mutants to remember me by.

Seriously though, thanks.

"So what's the deal with those metal wheels that they put in our cages? Am I right? Is this thing on? Please tip your waitress and don't forget there is a two sunflower seed minimum."

Okay, now onto the only gerbil story ever told not involving Richard Gere...

Chippy, who was my first pet, was purchased when I was in first grade, all the way back in 1982. (No, that's not him pictured above, Chippy had major stage-fright.) Chippy was a great gerbil and against my mom's wishes I would often take him out of his cage and let him run around my room. If it was warm enough outside I'd put him in one of those plastic spheres and let him run around on freshly-cut grass. I even took him into class for show-and-tell.

About four years after I got Chippy, my brother got two gerbils which we kept in a cage right next to Chippy's. You can't mix gerbils from other families, so often Chippy and the other two would often just glare at each other from the corner of their cages. Then, without warning, one day one of my brother's gerbils had six babies. We all considered that rather odd since we thought they were both males, which also led my dad to having a very awkward conversation with my brother and I. Anyway, soon there were eight full grown gerbils in one cage, and Chippy in the other.

At that point in his life Chippy was no longer a youngster, and had put on a bit of weight. In contrast, the other gerbils were all young and viril. One day, I came home from school and could hear high-pitched squeeking coming from my room. I went in and glanced in horror at Chippy's cage to see blood all over it. Somehow three of the younger gerbils had made it into Chippy's cage and were basically eating him alive.

I pounced on them to help my old friend. By the time I threw them all into their cage, Chippy was badly beaten. His left eye was bloodied and he had bite marks all over his body. I tried to clean him off with some water, but it hurt him too much to stay still.

Chippy died a few months later which was probably best because he was never the same after that day. We buried him in the backyard on a somber, rainy day. I cried like a six year old that day. Sure, I was ten at the time, but that's just how much Chippy meant to me.

You may be wondering how the gerbils got into Chippy's cage on that fateful day. It turned out that for some reason, the psychotic cleaning-lady that came to our house once a week decided to mix-and-match the gerbils. I don't know why she did it, but that crazy bitch killed my gerbil. We never brought her back to clean, which was fine with my mom. I know that because whenever she would tell this story to her friends she would end it by saying, "She never cleaned the toilets, anyway."

So, now you know the story of how Chippy died, and an how a poor immigrant woman lost her job. Chippy, tonight I am going to make my sheets and blankets into a big nest, just like you used sleep in. I know that's not different than I would normally do, but tonight it's for you, pal. You are missed.

The audition that I can't really tell you about went pretty damn good today. Everytime I'm at an audition I think of the movie "A Chorus Line", and envision Michael Douglas yelling at me while I have to sing and dance to my life story. Fortunately, he wasn't there today.

Anyway, I felt like I really rocked it, so we'll see.

Okay, that's it for industry words like "audition" and "sing" and "fortunately."

There's a Total Solar Esclipse happening tommorrow, I say forget what the scientists say and go out and stare for awhile, just to see what happens.

Actually, I remember being in third grade and my teacher telling us about how we'd be blinded if we looked at an esclipse and my first thought was fearing that my gerbil Chippy might look at it and loose his vision. In retrospect, my fears made no sense because Chippy was an indoor gerbil.

Little did I know that Chippy would die a much more horrific death barely a year later. That's not a joke, but frankly, I don't know if I can tell the full story just yet. There's a moratorium of 25 years on gerbil death's, right?

Ah, screw it, I'll tell the whole story tommorrow...

I just watched the Nets crush the Phoenix Suns 110-72. I've been telling people in my circles all season long that the Nets will win the East, and tonight was another push in that direction. Yes, I travel exclusively incircles due to an accident I had in elementary school which rendered me incable of making left turns.

I mention the Nets' win because Cliff Robinson, the oldest player in the league, in his 17th season, hit a couple shots as he always does. Cliff was originally drafted by the Portland Trailblazers in 1989 and quickly became one of my favorite players. Now, 17 years later, he remains the last link to the professional sports of my childhood. When I watch Cliff play it takes me back to 1990, sitting with my brother watching the Blazers play the Pistons in the NBA Finals. Or back to 1991, playing Lakers v. Celtics on Sega Genesis and having my brother choke me with the controller wire if I started beating him by too much. Yea, those were the good old days. Anyway, the point is, that when Cliff retires, most likely in a year or two, basketball will never be the same for me.

So, on a night when the Nets win by 38, and Cliff plays well, I gotta give the old man a shout-out.

I had a great weekend which included being invited to two dinner parties, hangin with my brother and sister-in-law-to-be at a bar, and meeting my sister for lunch at Whole Foods. Yea, we ate at Whole Foods, whatcha gonna do about it? She had pizza and I had sushi. Good for us.

Okay, that's it for now cuz I have a big audition tommorrow and I should probably be reviewing some materials. I'd tell you what the audition was for but that would probably jinx it. Come to think of it, just telling you that I had an audition at all probably jinxed it already.

That's just great. Now I'll probably break my leg tomorrow. And not in the good way...

I'm sure you've seen the commercials for Larry the Cable Guy's new movie, "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector."

I don't know much about the guy but I'm pretty sure his first movie should've been, "Larry the Cable Guy: The Cable Guy."

Okay, I've gotta get going. We're finishing up the post-production of my new movie, "Dave The Video Game Salesman: Taxidermist."

The comments section got quite fiery for my last post, so I think it'd be a good idea to settle things down with the always calm, cool-headed and motherly Claire Huxtable. Why Claire, you ask? Well, she came in at number four in this installment of the Top Ten Search Phrases people use to come to The Daily Dave. Here's the full list...

1. Kira Phillips
2. Kyra Phillips
3. Dave Rubin
4. Claire Huxtable
5. Cobra Commander Interview
6. Dave Rubin
7. Horse Vagina
8. Daryn Kagin
9. Ahmad Rashaad
10. Hot Newscasters

My first thought on this list is wondering whether the people that searched for "Clair Huxtable" were actually meaning to search for "Phylicia Rashaad" and just couldn't remember her real name. Interestingly, her ex-husband Ahmad Rashaad, also made it on the list. Too bad those two kids couldn't have worked things out.

For a second there you thought that Claire and Heathcliff Huxtable got divorced didn't you? Don't worry, I almost confused myself into thinking it too.

Kira/Kyra Phillips continues to stay atop of this highly competitive group. If you haven't seen her yet, she's CNN's daytime anchor, and dare I say, she's the female Anderson Cooper. People always love comparisons like that. Kira Phillips is the female Anderson Cooper...Larry Bird is the white Magic Johnson... Dave Rubin is the funny Jay Leno.

It was nice to see the Cobra Commander Interview crack the top ten. I'm not sure if people were searching specifically for my interview with him, though it's the only one I know of, and certainly is the first one. If you haven't listened to it yet, that's too bad because it seems to have dissapeared off the site. I should talk to someone about that.

In NYC news, the city officially unvieled public toilets today. 25 cents will buy you 15 minutes in there, which makes it by far the best bargain in New York. At minute 12 there is some sort of warning that your time is almost up, and at 15 minutes the doors will just pop open. I have a feeling there will be several scandals involving these toilets, with at least two of them involving Paris Hilton blowing someone for cocaine when the doors open up.

No, I don't have any insider info that Paris does coke, but I can just tell that these bathroom are gonna make people do crazy things.

Yes, I could've come up with someone more interesting than Paris for that, but she hasn't been in the news in the last two days and I'm starting to freak.

Okay, that's it for now, just remember to clean your horse vagina before you go to bed.

That came out wrong. To clarify, I mean that only if you have a female horse that needs it's vagina cleaned. Not simply if you are a woman with a large vagina. If that's the case, what you do with it is your business...

I forgot to tell you the good deed that I did the other day while I was in Jersey. While watching TV with my buddy Jon, I noticed that his HDTV really looked like crap. Subtely, I checked out the wires (as to not offend his TV-hookup sensibilities), and noticed that he had his HD cable box hooked to the TV with basic Red-White-Yellow wires. Oh, the horror!

I emphatically told him that he hasn't been watching HDTV for the year that he's had the TV and that he should switch to component cables. He grabbed some out of the closet - everyone has extra componoent cables these days - and we hooked them up. Next thing you know we were watching Spanglish in HD. The picture immediately went from crap to sharp, crisp and colorful. And as if that wasn't a great enough miracle, the movie was surprisingly good. For a moment, I even forgot that Adam Sandler was the same guy that was in "Billy Madison."

If that somehow came out as if I didn't like Billy Madison, I didn't mean it that way. I'd put Billy Madison as my number one Sandler movie, actually. Shampoo is better...No, conditioner is better...

Have any of you paid attention to some of the comments that Charlie Sheen made about a 9/11 conspiracy? Call me crazy, but I think he might be onto something. If you haven't read his comments, check them out here...

http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/march2006/200306charliesheen.htm

No, I will not be watching "Two and a Half Men" just because of this. But I might watch "Hot Shots!" next time it's on HBO2.

Speaking of Charlie Sheen, he's in the upcoming "Scary Movie 4", which also stars Leslie Nielson in what looks like a hilarious spoof of Mr. Bush reading to the kids during the 9/11 attacks. You can check that out online if you visit the Scary Movie website, but I'm not gonna link you to that because I can't be doing all the work here, that's just not fair.

Now get to work.

Really, I mean that. You are at work right now and I'm sure there's something you should be doing. Or at least pretending to do...

For those of you who didn't catch me on the Joey Reynolds Show last night, (or more specifically, those of you who don't suffer from severely crippling insomnia), I was a guest along with a Nobel Prize nominated economist who has made hundreds of millions of dollars in the stock market. That left us roughly hundreds of millions of dollars away from each other in the personal finance department.

I haven't been so close to someone with that much money since The Disney Afternoon.

Yes, that's right, I used to watch The Disney Afternoon with the Prince of Monaco.

Moving along, Mr. Bush has been giving lots of speeches telling us how great things are in Iraq. As I've noted before I'm torn between my mistrust of the government versus my mistrust of the media. You'd think two such strong mistrusts would equal one solid trust, but somehow it doesn't work out that way.

Speaking of mistrust, The Daily Dave has had hits from HBO, NBC, Fox, and two huge advertising agencies in the last few days. Yet despite this fact, I still have no deal. What's the deal with that? Or I should say what's that no deal with that?

I did a little face-time at some hipster comedy show last night. From what I observed, hipsters are just pot-heads that pretend to shop at cool places but really just get all their stuff at Urban Outfitters.

There's something I really don't like about the hipster crowd, which is rather ironic because I'm so pro-nerd.

Come to think of it, if I ever run for some kind of office, that's gonna be part the platform I run on. Dave Rubin: Anti-Hipster and Pro-Nerd. Then, once I'm elected, I'll use my power to send the hipsters to France where they belong.

Vote Rubin in 2008 and say au revoir to those dirty hipsters...