Just saw a commercial for "8 Simple Rules" on ABC. It said there is a secret so shocking that "it will upset even special guest Nicole Ritchie!"

(Insert coked-up whore joke here)

Gary Sheffield of the Yanks smacked a fan in Boston yesterday after the fan wacked him across the head while he was trying to play a ball against the right-field wall. Note where I chose to place the words "smacked" and "wack" in that sentence. Sometimes words make all the difference.

Adam Sandler's "Wedding Singer" is going to be on Broadway in 2006. I would've preferred "Billy Madison", which I saw over 300 times while stoned during my sophmore year of college.

A high-school senior in Orlando Florida bit off a classmates ear during a fight yesterday. Originally charges were filed but they were later dropped when it turned out the were in their 3rd period "How to be more like Mike Tyson" class.

How many quotes will I use in this entry? Defintely some sort of record today.

Finished up another week as a stand in for ESPN's Stump the Schwab. Television is really a great industry, basically you just stand around listening to music and then "take 5" every 10 minutes. I think you guys should start taking 5 at your jobs.

"Johnson, where is the T-500 report that you were supposed to have finished for today's meeting?"

"Umm, I uhhh, well, uhhh, hey, let's take 5!"

"Good idea Johnson"

It says something about how out of the working world I am that when I come up with a working-man bit, I can only think of the name Johnson. And on top of that the only report I could think of was the T-500, which I'm pretty sure was an older model of the Terminator.

Eating Frosted Flakes while I write this. That's what we call multi-tasking.

The weather in NYC has been absolutely beautiful the past few days. It will never cease to amaze me how people are just so much happier and pleasant when the sun is shining. I didn't consider killing anyone at any point yesterday. That's in stark contrast to the winter when I consider killing about 10 people a day and usually actually make good on it two or three times a week.

Shout out to those crazy kids from Ramses High School (I think thats what they said), who were at the 8:30 show on Saturday. A special shout out to the asian girl up front who wouldn't even let me get a joke out before she told me that she loves oragami and calculus.

Apparently Tiger Woods did some really amazing comeback yesterday at the Masters. Did you know you get a green jacket for winning the Masters? Where do you even wear a green jacket? Now he has four of them, I mean this guy must been some crazy closet space.

Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano got hit in the head by a line drive in the third inning of yesterday's game. Reminded me of the time I got a hit, once, in little league.

Yea, back then I wasn't the highly-tuned athelete that you all know me to be now. Speaking of which, my new hoops team is 1-0 with our second game this Thursday. Tickets are 37.50 for courtside, 22.50 for the mezzanine, and 14.75 for upper-tier.

Maury Povich is on ESPN's Cold Pizza right now. He's wearing so much makeup that he is starting to look like Connie Chung.

Doesn't Connie Chung sounds like a type of infectious disease?

"Dude, that's a pretty bad cough you got there"

"Yea, I've got a bad case of Connie Chung."

It's 62 degrees according to NY1 News. That's right around my jacket cutoff temperature. I'm hoping that by the time I finish typing this that we'll hit 65 and I can have a jacket-less day.

I just realized that the second jacket comment I've made in this entry. Maybe I'm really having jacket-envy of Tiger.

Just had the TV on mute in the background and I glanced up and saw a woman in a bikini with completely off-color, orange skin. Turned out to be a commercial for Hollywood Tans. Thank god, I thought I sat on the tint button on the remote control.

I received an e-mail from someone who visited Rubinville for the first time. After saying "the site is much fancier than I expected", the person went on to ask a few important questions about what we do here at Rubinville. So, instead of just writing back specifically to this person, I thought I'd open this whole thing up for all of you good people...

Question 1: What's the forecast for Rubinville this year?

The Rubinville forecast for this time of year is very similiar to the forecast for Saturn's largest moon, Europa.

Question 2: What is the main export? I assume funny.

Actually, funny is not the main export of Rubinville, contrary to popular belief. The main export is long winded, usually pointless sentences that often go nowhere and have little to do with anything relevant or important to the world in which we live.

Question 3: Are there any natural wonders in Rubinville?

There are two natural wonders, only one of which I can write about here because this is a family website. The one I can write about is the the Rubinville Dyke which is the only man-made dyke made out of 100 percent out of old jokes.

Question 4: All roads in Rubinville lead to...(fill in the blank)

Existential Bliss.

Those were the 4 questions I deemed most important. Betcha didn't know you could even make a dyke out of old jokes, did you?

In non-Rubinville news, Britney Spears is getting a reality show on UPN. Britney is very talented and needs more TV exposure. The previous sensence is a PUN.

I think its a pun, at least. And if it isn't a pun then you know what I was going for, so just pretend.

That's what Rubinville is all about. Me not knowing exactly what I'm writing, and you finishing up the job.

Which reminds me about the time I went to the ________ and slipped on a small _____. When I regained consciousness there was a _______ on my ________. It sure felt ______ and _______.

Ok, that's it for today. I'm gonna go _______. I haven't since yesterday.

As promised, here is the way-overdue update...

I've been doing a day gig for ESPN for a few days, as a stand-in for a gameshow called, "Stump the Schwab". Basically, they take sports geeks from all over the world and they have to beat Howie Schwab, a man who knows more about sports than Steven Hawking knows about eletric wheelchairs.

Or astro-physics, for that matter.

I didn't have to do much besides stand/sit whereever they wanted me to, and occasioanlly read some stuff of a cue card. Actually, the whole thing was inspiring to be back in a studio, with the cameras on, and the craft service table full of food. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love gummy bears.

Conservative columnist/politician Pat Robertson got doused with salad dressing at a speaking event in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Isn't Kalamazoo a funny name?

Ted Kopell is officially leaving Nightline which means that ABC will be looking for and 11:30 host of some sort of talk show. Rumor has it that Ellen Degeneres is in the front running, but I'd like to start a rumor that I'm in a close second for the gig. Run with that rumor, folks. Run, run, run.

Speaking of rumors, I think Dick Vitale is a cocaine addict. But only during the Final Four.

Got a wedding tonight out in Long Island. I've decided not to stay at the hotel near the reception and instead drive back into the city. Yea, that's right, a wedding without drinking. A questionable decision, at best.

Ok, I must shower and shave, I look like Tom Hanks in "Castaway" and I just got into an aruement about the right to die with a volleyball.

Hey folks...

Sorry for the slow updating this week. I've been doing a gig for ESPN for a couple days and have had a couple things keeping me from my usual morning writing time. I promise a full updated Daily Dave tommorrow.

In the meantime do some work, for god's sake.

The second Rubinville Podcast is up in the video section.

AND...

In the video section is the second Rubinville Podcast.

Yea, things are happening, people. Big things.

Someone downstairs is absolutely blasting music all morning, and right now its, "I'm so excited, I just can't hide it." It's been playin on repeat for about 20 minutes and I'm starting to lose my mind. I tred to close the windows but then I can't breathe. Argh, I don't know what to do. And now I know I'm starting to lose my mind because a minute ago I actually danced my way from the couch to the kitchen in order to get a bannana.

It's still playing right now...

"I want to please you, tease you, and if you move real slow....I'm so excited...I'm about to lose control and I think I like it!"

Holy shit people, I'm going crazy. This isn't how your day should start. Unless you live in Chelsea.

Rim shot, please!

I had an incident with a girl two days ago that was so unreal and surreal and utterly beyond imagination that it left me a wreck for the rest of the day. I can't talk about it just yet, but let me say this directly to her in case she is reading this....

You are lucky you sit behind bullet-proof glass.

I'll write out all of the details in a few weeks when this situatuation resolves itself.

Or I get a weapon more powerful than bullet-proof glass.

Richard Simmons was on the Tony Danza Show this morning. I've never seen one man (Danza) so afraid of a woman (Simmons) before.

Battling the orcs in Lord of the Rings on PS2 has moved to a fevered pitch. The game continues to be awesome and rather addicting. I'm told my next conquest should be Medal of Honor 2, since I like the 2 player co-op's. Anyone got another recommendation? I think a healthy debate is always in order before making an important purchase.

The feeding tube is still out of Terry Shiavo. Call me crazy but I think that if a person is in a constant vegetative state and is being kept alive artificially by machines and her husband has nothign to gain by her death, except peace of mind, then, well, we should let her die.

Why is it that the religious right, which is so obessed with heaven, is always trying to keep people out of it?

Maybe they just don't want certain people in there. Yea, that's it, Heaven is like the country club in Caddyshack. Some people just don't belong.

It's been a crazy few days, and not the least of which because my parents tried to have my feeding tube removed.

Mark McGuire was an absolute joke of a freakishly large steroid abuser during the congressional hearings. "I'm not here to talk about the past", he kept saying. Oh, really Mark, cuz I thought you were some sort of psychic and you were brought in to predict the future of drugs and sports.

You gotta give Rafiel Palmeiro credit for completely denying he ever used steroids. I don't know if he did or didn't but at least he picked a side. It would've been great had he somehow been able to change the topic from steroids to Viagra, which we all know he takes, cuz I'm sure that 9 out of 10 of those old congressman are on it too. A bunch of old combover politicians talking about their hardons with a baseball player. Sounds like a good reality TV show.

On a personal note I've had some strange ups and downs since my last posting. I'm seem to be having some major writers block, which I can't even compare to anything else, since, well, I'm having writers block. My sets this weekend we're pretty uneven, even from minute to minute. Generally, I've noticed that when I, or most good comics go through a strange phase, it leads to a really prolific phase, but it never makes being in the sucky part of it any easier.

I think I used too many comma's in that sentence. Remove a few an re-read, if necessary.

There is a company in Japan now selling a gum that they claim can increase the size of your breasts by 80 percent. Now, I'm fine with the size of my breasts, but I highly recommend you check it out.

I've been thinking lately a lot about how I've gone about doing comedy and the path I've chosen. I'm really proud of the way I've done this on my own terms, and by starting 2 clubs that have helped comics empower themselves and focus on getting stronger and funnier as comics.

However, while 90 percent of it is pride, there is this 10 percent that sometimes fears being too far out of the loop of the industry and the managers/agents etc.

Of course then I talk to people who are more in that loop and find out that they are 10 times more frustrated and often way more creatively stifled. So, I guess the point is, you do what you gotta do. And you keep doing it.

Yea, im talking in the third-person to inspire myself. I got that from Karl Malone, who had an ability to change from first-person to third-person to fourth-person to eighth-person in an interview until you didn't know who the hell he was talking about, or even what the hell he was talking about.

Ironcially, much like this whole entry.

Ok, Dave's gotta go do some stuff, but I sure have enjoyed writing this and he'll be sure to write more pretty soon.