Well folks, after about 2 years I've finally put up some new video on the site. It's just a little 6 minute clip, but quite hilarious if I do say so myself. I taped it with my handheld camera so the video is a little off, but I'm working on getting up some other new video soon. No need to thank me, it's all for you, the fans.

So Major League Baseball is going to put the Spiderman 2 logo on bases of games during a weekend in June. Now there is this out cry against baseball selling-out. Between that and the steroids thing baseball could be in real trouble. Let's just hope Barry Bonds doesn't get bitten by a radioactive spider, then all hell could break loose.

There hasn't been a death in my aquarium in over 5 days. That's a 6 month high.

Okay, nice day out, gotta take my 1:12 pm stroll.

And now, after a slow month of entries, the Daily Dave is back by semi-popular demand.

The big news this week is that some of our soldiers tortured Iraqi prisoners. There are even pictures of Iraqi's having electrodes attached to their genitals with paper bags over their heads. I don't know what is torture about that, it sounds more like a Saturday night in the East Village.

In other news NYC taxi fares have just had a 26 percent hike. Drivers claimed they need the money because of their high cell phone bills.

The Transformers game on Playstation 2 comes out next week. Nothing funny about that, just important information.

If you haven't checked out the shows at the Comedy Co. yet, come on down and get your laugh on. The shows, especially on the weekends, have been totally kick ass, and the quality of comedy and overall atmosphere is really great.

That was very corny.

NBC's hit show "Friends" ends this week. The geniouses at NBC are spinning off the show into "Joey" much like "Frasier" was spun off "Cheers". I'm sorry I put so many words in quotes in that sentence.

The Yankees have no swept 2 series' in a row after losing all those games to the Red Sox. That affects me in no way whatsoever.

Why is it major news when 2 panda's mate? I never get on CNN for mating with a panda.

Wait, that came out wrong.

Well, The Comedy Company is out in full force. We sold out our first 4 shows last weekend, and the comics were quite hilarious if I do say so myself. The weekday shows were lighter in terms of crowd, but as people see what type of quality shows we're putting on I'm sure they'll be packing the seats. I think the idea of putting on only 4 or 5 really quliaty comics instead of the 10-14 average ones as most clubs do, will really help the turn around of comedy that we're currently part of.

And now onto the funny....

I made the mistake of shaking the hand of a homeless man who plays the drums outside the new club. Now, everytime I see him he expects a handshake. So, for like 5 consecutive days I've shook the hand of a homeless man. I'm pretty sure that would qualify me for the Guiness Book of World Records.

They just pumped 28 golf balls from the stomach of a dog in England. I can't believe Britiain lets dogs play golf.

Louisiana is considering banning low cut jeans. I'd like to propose banning Lousianian's from New York.

Nothing too interesting so far in the NBA playoffs. I'm still sticking to my Nets will win the east prediction that I made before the season. Tarun, I'll take that 20 bucks in cash or check.

Hey everyone, sorry about the week long layoff here, but I've been mad busy preparing for the opening of The Comedy Company. Yea, that's right, I said mad busy.

So here is the official info...

COMEDY COMPANY GRAND OPENING WEEKEND
Friday/Saturday April 16th/17th
8:30 and 11pm Shows
Call 212.592.0341 for reservations or e-mail comedycompanynyc@yahoo.com
www.comedycompanynyc.com

After opening weekend, we'll have shows Mon-Sat at 8:30 with 11pm late shows on the weekends.

I'll write some funny stuff tommorrow. I've been inhaling so much paint lately I don't know which way is up.

That has nothing to do with the opening of the room, I just inhale paint.

Joke. Kids, don't inhale paint.

Inahle paint thinner, much more powerful.

Don't you hate it when people tell you their dreams?

Well, here's what I can remember of one of mine from last night.

I was at the doctor's office and he told me I needed glasses even though he didn't do any examination. Next thing I know I am sitting in english class in high school and I feel very smart because I have glasses. Then class ends and when there is nobody left in the room I go into the teachers draw and choose a donut from the many that are in there. I leave the classroom and I'm walking down the hall when I look into the gym and see Phil Jackson coaching 2 kids, probably like 10 years old, in basketball. I go into the gym and there is a big basketball game about to be played and I'm supposed to pick teams but I can only remember one kids name. The game starts but I have to go put down my glasses and my notebook. When I take off my glasses I realize that one eye frame is much bigger than the other. I go to play and it turns out I joined the wrong game. I put the glasses back on and realize that my vision is only blurred when I'm wearing them.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Condoleeza Rice spoke to the 9/11 commission today and claimed there was no "sliver bullet". That's nice, but I thought we were after al Queda, not Dracula. And if we are after Dracula, why not line the borders with garlic?

I'm juicing 100 percent pure grapfruit juice these days. Good stuff.

This is a paraphrase of something that Andrew Tavani wrote me about yesterday. Seinfeld went on the Daily Show to promote his new American Express commercials with Superman. Is that the first time in TV history that a guest was brought on specifically to discuss a commercial? Is Jerry's creative vault so devoid of anything that he can only come up with 20 second commercials? And what happened to Superman that he can't get better work?

The Simpsons have finally announced that they will come out with a movie sometime after the series is over. While I am excited abotu that, I just hope that it is better than the made-for-tv movie of "Growing Pains", in which Maggie Seaver runs for office. That sucked bigtime. And I don't think Boner was even in it.

A shark killed a 57 year old surfer yesterday. Why is that news? If a shark killed a mountaineer, now that would be news.

I've been a lil slower than usual updating Daily Dave lately, so I'm gonna try to make up for it now even though I'm not having any particularly funny thoughts at the moment. Maybe I'll just try typing whatever I'm thinking, I think they call it free association writing or something like that, here we go...

Okay, so I'm writing right now with no real direction or sense of anything. Let's see what's a good thing to talk about without having any point? Hmm, how about religion? Ehh, that's boring. Politics? Boring. The origins of the tophat? That does seem a little interesting to me, but I really don't know anything about it. Hmm, how in the world did the origins of the tophat even pop into my head at that moment? The brain is truly an amazing thing. I wish I had one.

Alright, enough of that. It was getting scary.

I think the main reason that I love stand up is that it consistently pushes and challenges me like nothing else could. I've been feeling really free on stage lately, and letting my mind wander all over the place. Then I sparse in some dick jokes and a set is born.

Great Sopranos this past Sunday. You gotta love Tony setting up Robert Loggia like that. It gave me some ideas to deal with some problems I've been having lately.

I just got a haircut and the girl didn't use scissors, just the clippers. I think that was a first for me. Yea, I'm really pushing my emotional limits these days.

Rocky 4 was on before. I really think that had something to do with the fall of communism. It's just sad that it cost Carl Weathers his life.

Come to think of it are Carl Weathers and Billy Dee Williams the same person?

I met some circus folk at the show the other night. Looks like I might be going back stage at Ringling Bros. at Madison Square Garden tommorrow. Hopefully I won't get into any fights with clowns who think they're funnier than me.

Jay Leno just resigned with NBC to host the Tonight Show through 2009. I'd tell you how many horrific hack jokes that would add up to over the years, but I'm not a rocket scientist.

Melon gatorade is delicious.

The Comedy Company is looking good for our April 16th opening. It is my master plan to both revolutionize the way stand up comedy is done, and turn the entire industry upside down at the same time. Shouldn't be too hard.

Viacam announced that it is going to start a gay TV channel. I guess that channel would then only have sex with the upcoming Showtime gay channel. Or Bravo, which is obviously bi-curious.

So Condoleeza Rice is gonna testify before the 9/11 commission. What would stop her from lying about issues that might get her in trouble? Swearing on the bible? Ha, now thats funny.

A girl won the Powerade slam dunk contest in Illinois. Good for her. That changes my whole theory on not letting women vote.

Lemme get this straight. The intelligence community basically made up this weapons of mass destruction thing, thus us going to war, and now the 9/11 commission is saying all our intelligence was screwed up before then too. Shouldn't someone be fired? I don't really care who, just someone. Fire SOMEONE...ANYONE. Fire a Secretary, a janitor, the lady who waters the plants, just fire someone. Please.

So I'm waiting for the subway yesterday and there is a homeless guy singing, hoping to get some change. He was a pretty bad singer, but damn, he was puttin all his soul into it, so I went into my pocket trying to find some change. As I approached him to put the change in the bag, I was consumed by a horrific stench that was emmitting from him. I backed up, and he looked at me curiously, because clearly I had been moving in to give him some change. I thought about the situation and then decided that even holding my breathe wouldnt be good enough because the stench might burn my eyes. My only option was to get close enough to the bag to toss the change in.

Now, due to a finger injusry sustained playing basketball a few weeks ago, when I lobbed the change towards the bag, some of the coins veered offf to the right a bit. They hit the floor, scattered and I began to walk away. Suddenly, the man yelled out "You cracka-ass muthafucka! You don't wanna come close to me or what, muthafucka!"

I wonder who he was talking to.

In other news, gasoline is at an all-time high. Good thing I stopped drinking it.

Dateline NBC is going to do a 2 hour program on the life of Donald Trump. If I didn't know better, I'd think that NBC News is blatantly cross-promoting to hype something for NBC Entertainment. But I'm sure NBC wouldn't do something like that.

Baseball season is about to begin. I'm predicting the Yankees will trade for the entire Red Sox organization by mid-June.